my long term partner doesnt want a baby..

[sarah77x]

ive been with my partner for nearly 7years, im 25 his 47 big age gap but he doesnt look his age. things were going great. he new i wanted a baby for ages. but recently his been trying to get in contact with his daughter from a past relationship, he hasnt seen her since she was 2, shes now 14. contact isnt going well. ive told him i wanted a future with him and wanted to start a family, he keeps saying im selfish. he doesnt want another baby at all. i love him to bits but i dont know what to do i cant see myself without him, but i want my own little family but i feel i will never have that with him. am i being selfish or is it him?

[lavenderhoney]

Oh god, get away from this man. Do you have any family who would put you up at a moments notice? Or friends? Get your stuff and push off. Serously.

And don't have a baby with him. He won't be any good. You can do so much better. Read the baby threads, see how men - good men- behave. There is a lovely man, your age or thereabouts, wanting the same as you and who doesn't treat you like shit and you will have a lovely life with. Don't fuck up.

There is no discussion to be had. Why is he trying to get in contact now? It all sounds a bit weird to me- and you are believing his flannel. It's nothing to do with you, you're not married to him ( thank god) and you can push off and meet people your age. He's old enough to be your father. No wonder he doesn't like you going out.

[AskBasil]

You are absolutely not a mug.

You are a very young woman who was an even younger woman (just out of childhood) when her life got de-railed by an exploitative old man who snapped her up.

It sounds to me like you didn't have any decent guidance or anyone looking out for you.

But now you're older, you're beginning to realise that this relationship isn't ideal and you're very lucky - you have no ties to this man, you can walk out and never see him again. He can't control you via children you have with him, because thankfully he stopped you having them. You can move on, clean break and get on with the rest of your life.

Don't blame yourself for having been young and inexperienced. Most of us are lucky enough not to meet an old git like this, some of us are brought up to have defences if we do meet someone like this and then some of us are unlucky. You were just unlucky, not a mug.

The one bit of luck - a big bit - that you've had, is that he stopped you having children. So he's given you your freedom. Think of it that way. You can leave and have a normal, happy life and the children you want when you and the man you are with are at the lifestage where you want them. It's all good. Seriously.

[Findtheoldme]

Maybe he is the one "up to something".

You are not selfish to want a child. That is perfectly normal.

He isn't wrong not to want another child. Probably best given how he is.

If you stay then you are a fool and while you don't deserve anyone treating you badly, if you stay you know how this will be so you will have yourself to blame as well as him.

Do your future self and hopefully child a favour and live a bit without this controlling prat.

[Twinklestein]

He's old. And he's awful. I remember exactly what kind of 39 year olds sniff round 18 year old girls.

The line about his kid is bullshit, even if the mother made things difficult, he could have seen his child if he'd wanted to.

I guess now she's a teenager, she's more appealing to him as it's clearly his thing.

Just get rid and start a new life, find out who you are without this loser, and find a guy your own age.

[DistanceCall]

If it's any comfort, when I was 25 I fell seriously in love with a man who was a twat. I stayed with him for 5 years, even though he treated me like dirt and I never had one single orgasm with him because he was not interested in pleasuring me because that was me being "a clown".

It happens. You learn and live. And find a much, much better man who actually cares for you and loves you.

[magoria]

Time to move on.

It may be he wakes up and realises he wants a child with you.

Hopefully due to the control etc you will have realised you don't want him.

[schlong]

So a 40 yo was pestering an 18 yo girl to have a baby and now said girl decides she's ready he refuses? A total twat just for that let alone all the other shit you've had to put up with. Do not waste anymore of your time on this man. Consider it a lucky escape. Do you get on with your parents? Could you go back to stay with them?

[horsewalksintoabar]

You're not a mug! We're a bit hard hearted because believe me, we've been there! You're at the cusp of womanhood. I found 25 a life changing age, I really did. It's the beginning of big decisions. You begin to really look at your life path ahead and who you're with is a huge factor. Your husband needs to be a guy who is on your team, rooting for you. This is more than just a 'when should we start trying for a baby?' disagreement which requires some talking. You're with an aging, crusty control freak who will turn into a pathetic saddo who can't live without you, blah, blah, the moment you really do leave. Don't buy into it! I've seen your story played out with 3 of my friends. "What you want might make you cry. What you need might pass you by if you don't catch it." I lived by those words during a similar break up at 26.

[ImperialBlether]

Think practically. You've got a job, so that's great. Are you on a fixed tenancy? Do you have a friend you could go to stay with for a month until you get yourself sorted?

What about your family? I wonder whether you've had a good example of how couples should be from your parents.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Take him at his word and leave.

He was interested in you when you were 18 because you were young and malleable, easy to control. I am so sorry but use this as your own wake up call to give yourself a better life.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book and do the Freedom Programme; it will give you tools so as to not make the same relationship errors.

And what AskBasil and DistanceCall wrote earlier.

[sleepyhead]

He doesn't want a child at his age, and that's ok.

So, the choice you have is to continue a relationship with him or to cut your losses and open yourself to a possible future relationship with someone who does want children.

The good news is that you are still young in fertility terms so have plenty of time to enjoy your new single adult life and meet a partner who has the same dreams and goals as you. In 10 years time, not so much.

This relationship doesn't seem to be working for you so cut loose. It's all you've known your whole adult life and there's so much more out there.

[sarah77x]

I know, I'm a just a mug putting up with his crap... Just gonna stand up for myself and walk away.

[horsewalksintoabar]

7 years with this long in the tooth geezer? Oh sweetheart....go. You're 25. Do it!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

sarah,

re your comment:-
"He is a bit controlling I never go out with my friends. Cos he thinks I'll be up to something I'm the same with him but I think that's due to him".

A bit controlling you write, take out the words "a bit" and you have him in a nutshell.

He is controlling (you do realise that controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse) and you are also insecure primarily because of him; this is no basis whatsoever for a relationship.

I think you were targeted by this person OP and were very young when you got together; he saw something in you he could exploit.

He has got you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making; time to break free of this person before he robs you of any more years of your life.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and consider Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well. Such men can take a long time to recover from.

[AskBasil]

Oh and he's isolated you from your friends.

Surprise surprise.

He says you'll be "up to something". How fucking insulting, how dare he imply that you would behave inappropriately. Can you see how disrespectful that is? Can you see that this is not an equal, loving relationship, which is the minimum you deserve?

[horsewalksintoabar]

OP!! It IS his fault he didn't see his daughter! The courts here promote contact. All he ever had to do was go to court, get a contact order and get to see his daughter. It's emotional and relationships with exes can be crazy, but believe me, as a mother who denied access, I know these things. I have a nearly 14 year old who's been seeing dad since age 3 because the court ordered this. Don't buy into his sob story...please, please. "Been there, done that" applies to dads who did more than the up all night with new born antics. If I sound bitter OP it's because my first husband just ditched our kid when he'd had enough of nappies and the rest. Having babies is tough. Raising babies to be stand up men and women requires your ALL as a parent. My ex has spent his years in relationships with very young women like yourself. He always gets young girlfriends and then two years into the relationship when the girl becomes a woman and starts wanting a family and a complete life together, boom! Curtain call. My ex has a sob story and a half as to why he ditched his son which doesn't resemble mine. Just be careful. You may not know your partner as well as you think.

[AskBasil]

So you had just come out of childhood when he met you and he was an old gimmer who had abandoned a child already?

He saw you coming Sarah. A young girl, no experience of life, unaware of all the lies twats like this tell credulous young women who believe them.

He's leeched off your energy and youth like a fucking old vampire for seven years. You're twenty five, a mere babe, young enough to still have a good few years of fun if you want it with plenty of time for babies once you've found someone who will treat his babies - and their mother - right.

Can I please urge you to go to counselling to try and avoid being moved in on by some other horrible predator?

You're not selfish, he is - he hijacked your youth and is vetoing your fertility. He should fuck off and you should spend some time alone so that as a young adult, you know what you want from life and men and be in a position to make a better choice of man to live with and to plan to have children with in future.

[DistanceCall]

Well, do. Pick up your stuff and leave. And please don't believe him when he comes telling you that things will be different.

[sarah77x]

I've told him I'm gonna leave but he just says leave then, we had problems before and I've said I was gonna leave never have. He probably thinks I won't this time

[sarah77x]

We've been engaged for 3years now. No I was ok at 18, just doing normal things an 18years old do. Just I thought it be a bit of fun not a serious relationship

[DistanceCall]

By the way, when you leave him, he may agree to "give" you a child in order to keep you with him.

Really, really bad idea. You really don't want to have children with this man. He's not a good father or a good man.

[sarah77x]

He is a bit controlling I never go out with my friends. Cos he thinks I'll be up to something I'm the same with him but I think that's due to him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You feel like a housekeeper because you are really this to him; someone to look after him.

How long have you been engaged for?.

BTW did this man meet you when you were in a bad place emotionally?. You were 18 at the time and had no real life experience behind you, do not waste any more years on him now.

[startagainonmonday]

He sounds worse with each post. I'd bet my bottom dollar he's a controlling type.

[ImperialBlether]

You will get over him and you WILL be a lot happier with someone who appreciates you! You are right!

My daughter's your age, OP - I would hate to think of her working hard and doing all the housework for a guy twice her age who thought she was selfish for wanting a child. I'd hate to think of her being with someone who was a crap father, too.