Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

my long term partner doesnt want a baby..

56 replies

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 15:28

ive been with my partner for nearly 7years, im 25 his 47 big age gap but he doesnt look his age. things were going great. he new i wanted a baby for ages. but recently his been trying to get in contact with his daughter from a past relationship, he hasnt seen her since she was 2, shes now 14. contact isnt going well. ive told him i wanted a future with him and wanted to start a family, he keeps saying im selfish. he doesnt want another baby at all. i love him to bits but i dont know what to do i cant see myself without him, but i want my own little family but i feel i will never have that with him. am i being selfish or is it him?

OP posts:

Report

qazxc · 14/08/2015 16:01

All the more reason to get out now, you don't want to spend another 7 yrs on something that is doomed to fail.

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 16:02

We are engaged too,and live together, sometimes I feel I'm just his housekeeper, we both go to work but I seem to do everything around the house. Just depressing me now. Maybe I should call it to an end, I'm sure I'll get over him and be a lot happier with someone who appreciates me. Thanks for the advice guys means a lot. Haven't really got close people I can't talk to about this.

OP posts:

StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast · 14/08/2015 16:03

He sounds awful in a bunch of different ways, to be quite honest, and he may be doing you the biggest favour ever by sticking to his guns here.

Without being patronising, you are very young, and there is a better man than this out there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 16:04

If you do want a family it will not be with this person. Do not sink any more time into this or trap yourself in the "sunken costs fallacy", this relationship is over because fundamentally you are not compatible and perhaps never have been either.

startagainonmonday · 14/08/2015 16:05

Whether or not he's paid child support "doesn't involve you"? That'll be a no then.

And why on earth was he trying to persuade the 18year old you to have a baby with him?

Sorry I know it will hurt but you need to get rid

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 16:06

Oh god. He sounds terrible. Cut your losses, find a man who makes you happy, have children. Stop being this man's housekeeper and live your life.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 16:07

You will get over him and you WILL be a lot happier with someone who appreciates you! You are right!

My daughter's your age, OP - I would hate to think of her working hard and doing all the housework for a guy twice her age who thought she was selfish for wanting a child. I'd hate to think of her being with someone who was a crap father, too.

startagainonmonday · 14/08/2015 16:07

He sounds worse with each post. I'd bet my bottom dollar he's a controlling type.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 16:07

You feel like a housekeeper because you are really this to him; someone to look after him.

How long have you been engaged for?.

BTW did this man meet you when you were in a bad place emotionally?. You were 18 at the time and had no real life experience behind you, do not waste any more years on him now.

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 16:09

He is a bit controlling I never go out with my friends. Cos he thinks I'll be up to something I'm the same with him but I think that's due to him.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 16:09

By the way, when you leave him, he may agree to "give" you a child in order to keep you with him.

Really, really bad idea. You really don't want to have children with this man. He's not a good father or a good man.

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 16:11

We've been engaged for 3years now. No I was ok at 18, just doing normal things an 18years old do. Just I thought it be a bit of fun not a serious relationship

OP posts:

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 16:12

I've told him I'm gonna leave but he just says leave then, we had problems before and I've said I was gonna leave never have. He probably thinks I won't this time

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 14/08/2015 16:13

Well, do. Pick up your stuff and leave. And please don't believe him when he comes telling you that things will be different.

AskBasil · 14/08/2015 16:13

So you had just come out of childhood when he met you and he was an old gimmer who had abandoned a child already?

He saw you coming Sarah. A young girl, no experience of life, unaware of all the lies twats like this tell credulous young women who believe them.

He's leeched off your energy and youth like a fucking old vampire for seven years. You're twenty five, a mere babe, young enough to still have a good few years of fun if you want it with plenty of time for babies once you've found someone who will treat his babies - and their mother - right.

Can I please urge you to go to counselling to try and avoid being moved in on by some other horrible predator?

You're not selfish, he is - he hijacked your youth and is vetoing your fertility. He should fuck off and you should spend some time alone so that as a young adult, you know what you want from life and men and be in a position to make a better choice of man to live with and to plan to have children with in future.

horsewalksintoabar · 14/08/2015 16:13

OP!! It IS his fault he didn't see his daughter! The courts here promote contact. All he ever had to do was go to court, get a contact order and get to see his daughter. It's emotional and relationships with exes can be crazy, but believe me, as a mother who denied access, I know these things. I have a nearly 14 year old who's been seeing dad since age 3 because the court ordered this. Don't buy into his sob story...please, please. "Been there, done that" applies to dads who did more than the up all night with new born antics. If I sound bitter OP it's because my first husband just ditched our kid when he'd had enough of nappies and the rest. Having babies is tough. Raising babies to be stand up men and women requires your ALL as a parent. My ex has spent his years in relationships with very young women like yourself. He always gets young girlfriends and then two years into the relationship when the girl becomes a woman and starts wanting a family and a complete life together, boom! Curtain call. My ex has a sob story and a half as to why he ditched his son which doesn't resemble mine. Just be careful. You may not know your partner as well as you think.

AskBasil · 14/08/2015 16:15

Oh and he's isolated you from your friends.

Surprise surprise.

He says you'll be "up to something". How fucking insulting, how dare he imply that you would behave inappropriately. Can you see how disrespectful that is? Can you see that this is not an equal, loving relationship, which is the minimum you deserve?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 16:16

sarah,

re your comment:-
"He is a bit controlling I never go out with my friends. Cos he thinks I'll be up to something I'm the same with him but I think that's due to him".

A bit controlling you write, take out the words "a bit" and you have him in a nutshell.

He is controlling (you do realise that controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse) and you are also insecure primarily because of him; this is no basis whatsoever for a relationship.

I think you were targeted by this person OP and were very young when you got together; he saw something in you he could exploit.

He has got you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making; time to break free of this person before he robs you of any more years of your life.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and consider Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well. Such men can take a long time to recover from.

horsewalksintoabar · 14/08/2015 16:16

7 years with this long in the tooth geezer? Oh sweetheart....go. You're 25. Do it!

sarah77x · 14/08/2015 16:17

I know, I'm a just a mug putting up with his crap... Just gonna stand up for myself and walk away.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2015 16:20

Take him at his word and leave.

He was interested in you when you were 18 because you were young and malleable, easy to control. I am so sorry but use this as your own wake up call to give yourself a better life.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book and do the Freedom Programme; it will give you tools so as to not make the same relationship errors.

And what AskBasil and DistanceCall wrote earlier.

sleepyhead · 14/08/2015 16:20

He doesn't want a child at his age, and that's ok.

So, the choice you have is to continue a relationship with him or to cut your losses and open yourself to a possible future relationship with someone who does want children.

The good news is that you are still young in fertility terms so have plenty of time to enjoy your new single adult life and meet a partner who has the same dreams and goals as you. In 10 years time, not so much.

This relationship doesn't seem to be working for you so cut loose. It's all you've known your whole adult life and there's so much more out there.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 16:21

Think practically. You've got a job, so that's great. Are you on a fixed tenancy? Do you have a friend you could go to stay with for a month until you get yourself sorted?

What about your family? I wonder whether you've had a good example of how couples should be from your parents.

horsewalksintoabar · 14/08/2015 16:31

You're not a mug! We're a bit hard hearted because believe me, we've been there! You're at the cusp of womanhood. I found 25 a life changing age, I really did. It's the beginning of big decisions. You begin to really look at your life path ahead and who you're with is a huge factor. Your husband needs to be a guy who is on your team, rooting for you. This is more than just a 'when should we start trying for a baby?' disagreement which requires some talking. You're with an aging, crusty control freak who will turn into a pathetic saddo who can't live without you, blah, blah, the moment you really do leave. Don't buy into it! I've seen your story played out with 3 of my friends. "What you want might make you cry. What you need might pass you by if you don't catch it." I lived by those words during a similar break up at 26.

schlong · 14/08/2015 16:32

So a 40 yo was pestering an 18 yo girl to have a baby and now said girl decides she's ready he refuses? A total twat just for that let alone all the other shit you've had to put up with. Do not waste anymore of your time on this man. Consider it a lucky escape. Do you get on with your parents? Could you go back to stay with them?

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.