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Original poster

partner/carer

84 replies

depechegal · 11/08/2015 16:35

I really wish I knew where to start. I'm a carer for my partner of a year or so. We don't live together. I live with dd2 whose 17.

He had a troubled childhood (children's homes, raped, prison) which he never had counselling for.

Most of the time we get on great but he does have a jealous and controlling streak.

Thing is he refuses to engage with d2. He has never come to my house for a cup of tea. D2 met him a while back and she likes him tbh. I've asked many times for him to come to dinner, birthday parties, everything is refused to the point where I've given up asking.

So when I go to care for him at the weekends, d2 then runs riot. Friends here, complaints from neighbours, huge mess in flat which I'm expected to clean up. He's never bothered to meet d1 or my gs1+2.

Which leads me to the bugbear...he never touches me except to instigate sex. Never holds my hand or hugs me except when he's pissed. He always pulls away from me. Sex is always plain. Every single time.

He says he loves me and cares about me but he refuses to show any affection and doesn't engage with my family. He has no hobbies either.

His d2 has recently come into his life after 19 years. Was the gd1s birthday last month so we went to play happy families and I met all his ex step kids and the alcoholic ex.

I know it sounds petty but resentment is building up that he can go running for everyone yet doesn't come to mine. And I can't even get a bloody hug out of him. Feel like a caretaker rather than a fiancee

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 11/08/2015 16:46

In saying that you're his 'carer', are you saying that you're claiming carer's allowance for looking after him?

If he can manage perfectly well during the week why do you "go to care for him at the weekends" and why spend the night, or nights, with him knowing that your 17 year old is running wild at home?

Other than what you might be claiming to provide sexual services 'care' for him, I can't see what in it for you.

deste · 11/08/2015 16:53

I don't think you sound petty, in fact I really can't see what he is bringing to your life. It doesn't in anyway sound like a relationship at all let alone any love being shown to you. From what I see, he is using you as a housekeeper and I think you need to be at home with your daughter. She probably feels the same.

reasonstobecheerful123 · 11/08/2015 17:11

How old is he and what was he in prison for?

Original poster
depechegal · 11/08/2015 17:13

Yes I do claim carers allowance.

I liked him for a very long time. Fantastic sense of humour and always life and soul of the party. As long as its on his terms.
Whatever I think or feel, he always has a bloody opinion on it. Never seems to listen.
Whenever I have issues at home, he always appears to instigate a bloody argument. And he gets cross. Very quickly. He's never there for me or d2 if we needed him
A lot of the time he blames it on the pain he's in, but I'm not so sure anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
depechegal · 11/08/2015 17:15

He's 56 and was in prison for ABH and wrecking his works factory a number of years back

OP posts:
deste · 11/08/2015 17:29

Just let him go, it's really not worth it. When he wrecked his workplace was that because he lost his temper?

Original poster
depechegal · 11/08/2015 17:32

Partly yes, and took a dislike to someone

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 11/08/2015 17:33

Why does he need a carer? What disability prevents this violent ex-con life and soul of the party from working for his living?

Which came first? Your 'relationship' with him or the c£62 per week you're getting as his 'carer'?

Is there any reason why you only attend to his needs at weekends and why you have to stay the night when you do so?

Jan45 · 11/08/2015 17:37

Why are you putting him in front of your daughter, she's 17, and you are leaving her alone to have all night parties, is that right?

He doesn't even like her, does he actually like you are you just convenient?

You've said it yourself, he's not there for you, I don't know why you are carrying on in a half hearted relationship, such a waste of time.

Smorgasboard · 11/08/2015 17:42

Why sign up to being someone's carer as soon as you meet them. All the problems he displays were there before you met him, they will continue on throughout his life most likely. So, what can we say other than give it up? Unless spending the rest of your life together, complaining and putting up with it all is going to mKe you happy. Geez, how did you even get to a year? He won't change. Is he really the best you can do?
Nothing is better than him, find some other way to make money and give your DD2 some supervision before you have no flat to come back to.

Original poster
depechegal · 11/08/2015 17:42

He has severe asthma, fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis
The relationship came first. I stayed at weekends cos of d2 being at college during the week last year. But d2 is now a NEET.
Of course if he has a bad day with his illnesses, I'll go round and do shopping and any housework that's needed. I became official carer about 3 months ago

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 11/08/2015 17:57

Sounds like he's claiming every benefit going and he's quids in compared to those non-disabled OAPs with clean records who only have the state pension to rely on. He's made a mockery of crime not paying, hasn't he?

Whose bright idea was it to add you to the taxpayer's bill for this former guest of Her Maj?

Smorgasboard · 11/08/2015 18:07

Does he smoke? Late onset asthma is the new PC description these days. Somehow, I don't think people are going to quite have the empathy for him that you have.
Sounds like you could do with putting your energy into sorting out your DD's problems rather than his. She is the future and being a NEET is not a badge of honour.

Original poster
depechegal · 11/08/2015 18:11

Hes had asthma since the age of 3 or 4 and steroid dependant, which has caused the bone weakness. No he doesn't smoke. Been in ICU twice with pneumonia

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/08/2015 18:15

What is a NEET?

pocketsaviour · 11/08/2015 18:18

OP, he's taking the piss. You might be getting carers allowance out of it but does it really make up for your DD2 running riot when at this time in her life she really needs you to keep her on the straight and narrow?

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant from what you've said. Has a charming and nice facade, but as soon as he thinks he's sucked you in, the nasty side comes out. Doesn't touch you except when he wants sex? LOSER. (Him, not you!)

pocketsaviour · 11/08/2015 18:21

Jan: Not in education, employment or training. Usually used for 16-21 yr olds.

Original poster
depechegal · 12/08/2015 01:29

I don't want empathy. I get none of that from him either. He never asks if I'm alright or if I've had a good day. just wants to know where I am, what I'm up to and what I'm doing. he can call many times a day.
took d2 over forest for picnic for walk last week and came home to almost 40 what's apps and 5 missed calls. he hates d2s boyfriend cos he hung up on him once. everything just seems to be a damn threat. I can't fart without him knowing, even in my own home

I've been abused before. this is what kills me :(
I know its happening again. he wants to get married.
I've been homeless. got new flat now. settled. he won't even come here for dinner

he's itching for another row cos d2 dare spoke her mind on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
depechegal · 12/08/2015 01:37

I don't want empathy. I get none of that from him either. He never asks if I'm alright or if I've had a good day. just wants to know where I am, what I'm up to and what I'm doing. he can call many times a day.
took d2 over forest for picnic for walk last week and came home to almost 40 what's apps and 5 missed calls. he hates d2s boyfriend cos he hung up on him once. everything just seems to be a damn threat. I can't fart without him knowing, even in my own home

I've been abused before. this is what kills me :(
I know its happening again. he wants to get married.
I've been homeless. got new flat now. settled. he won't even come here for dinner

he's itching for another row cos d2 dare spoke her mind on Monday. he gave me a choice to give up my job go do the caring but then rang my boss and had a row with him re a payslip and ive been sacked. now I'm back on benefits again
his dead ex gf lost her job also due to his rows with her boss. I hate him calling me by her name. his front room is smothered in pics of her

OP posts:
deste · 12/08/2015 10:38

What do you want us to say. He will only get worse, he wants a skiffy and you are playing the part perfectly. He wants you there to wait on him hand and foot. Stop this nonsense now, change your phone number, get another job and restart your life again because the one you have is not making you or your daughter happy.
Once he has you in his clutches he won't let you contact your daughter, is that what you want.

gamerchick · 12/08/2015 10:41

None of this is worth 62 quid a week.

Dump his arse and be a mother to your child who obviously needs you.

ElizabethSpenser · 12/08/2015 11:02

Hi Depeche. You sound sad and more than a little exasperated with your DP.
From what you have written here, he sounds selfish, controlling and a simmering angry man. Maybe it's because of his health or maybe it's his unresolved issues from childhood. It doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to be a loving kind nor gentle man.
In your position I would ask myself exactly how much does he make my world a better place? It sounds not at all.

PurpleWithRed · 12/08/2015 11:08

Well done for posting - you are beginning to see that you are worth much more than this. You could dump him and carry on as his carer, or dump him and resign and get yourself a proper job as a carer. He is not worthy of you.

Nonnainglese · 12/08/2015 11:17

You're a drudge and his skivvy, he's using you left, right and centre!
He's also a first class manipulator and as for him itching for a row and hating your daughter-that's only because she distracts your attention away from him.

He's also GOT YOU SACKED, that's abuse!

With his history (charming man or not) I'd run a bloody mile. Get out while you can.

HPsauciness · 12/08/2015 11:27

Let's take the fact that he's a horrible person who doesn't really care for you or show affection or in any way is a nice normal partner out of the equation.

Your dd2 should be your absolute priority in life. At 17, she needs guidance and your physical presence in the house on weekends to keep her on the straight and narrow.

You should tell this man that you can no longer be his carer, and find another way to earn £62 a week, so that you can be around on weekends for your dd2.

If you don't, then you may end up with a daughter whose life has gone very wrong indeed for a lack of parental input.

You can't be a parent to her and a carer to him, as he won't come to you or have anything to do with her.

Please choose her and not him, you are making another huge mistake with this man, and I think deep down you know this which is why you are posting.