partner/carer

[depechegal]

I really wish I knew where to start. I'm a carer for my partner of a year or so. We don't live together. I live with dd2 whose 17.

He had a troubled childhood (children's homes, raped, prison) which he never had counselling for.

Most of the time we get on great but he does have a jealous and controlling streak.

Thing is he refuses to engage with d2. He has never come to my house for a cup of tea. D2 met him a while back and she likes him tbh. I've asked many times for him to come to dinner, birthday parties, everything is refused to the point where I've given up asking.

So when I go to care for him at the weekends, d2 then runs riot. Friends here, complaints from neighbours, huge mess in flat which I'm expected to clean up. He's never bothered to meet d1 or my gs1+2.

Which leads me to the bugbear...he never touches me except to instigate sex. Never holds my hand or hugs me except when he's pissed. He always pulls away from me. Sex is always plain. Every single time.

He says he loves me and cares about me but he refuses to show any affection and doesn't engage with my family. He has no hobbies either.

His d2 has recently come into his life after 19 years. Was the gd1s birthday last month so we went to play happy families and I met all his ex step kids and the alcoholic ex.

I know it sounds petty but resentment is building up that he can go running for everyone yet doesn't come to mine. And I can't even get a bloody hug out of him. Feel like a caretaker rather than a fiancee

OMG, nothing is worth fighting for here!!! Yes you should put your kids first. Dump this horiible man

I can honestly say he's never hit me. He said that when he left d2s mum, she used to hit him. I don't know if that's just transference as its always someone else's fault isn't it?!

He's now ignoring me cos I didn't ring him when I said.
ERM my d1 found out today the gs1 has chronic lung disease. We've been on phone for hr and half. He said 'oh I live with that every day'. Never asked how d1 was or if gs1 is OK. Just turn it around to suit yourself.

Was really hoping to get outside tonight for the Perseids. D2 and me avid stargazers. He showed no interest and cloud will stop play

Besides, I've already spoke to him 7 times on the phone today. Plus WhatsApp.

Excessive non?

Yes, it is excessive.

Turn your phone off and go watch the Perseids - the cloud is breaking up in places but, even if the sky is not clear where you are, you and your dd will benefit from spending time together in the great outdoors or in the cosy indoors without being interrupted by calls from an ex-con who's nowt but a conniving con-man and a controlling twunt.

How is he your 'partner' ?

He's just a using parasite with a codeine addiction.

Sorry to hear about your GS. Your "partner"'s response to this is typically selfish.

It sounds like the scales are really falling from your eyes.

latest message from him (cos I didn't call)

'going to bed. you're very strange. 5 hrs ago you said you was having dinner and you was going to ring me. lucky it wasn't important cos I got no credit. so I'm fucked'

what the hell is that supposed to mean?

I'm trying to rekindle a 2yr hiatus between me and d1. petty row. missed my grandkids but we're getting back on track. kid is in bits about the baby re cld so hr and half phone call seems fair and just.
doesn't matter that I told him this and he turned it around again.
when I do bloody call him, he moans about the lack of signal on my end. yip I'm London rural and I love it

he's quite able to WhatsApp and would let me know if its important. he has a landline and a care alarm. plus his brother to call on if needed.
when I needed him after blood test to which I passed out, hit my head and pissed myself and I rang him for help.
oh you'll be OK. go home and have a nap

just fucking attention all the time. demanding like a toddler. I appreciate he's I'll, I know things change day to day. some days like this I just want some bloody space

This man is sick but not in the sense that you appear to believe, OP.

As scarlet has said, he's just a parasite with an addiction to codeine that can be easily remedied.

The fact is he's NOT a toddler and can be safely left out of sight and out of mind to his own devices while you give your attention to those who need and deserve it, namely your dds and dgcs.

If you did but know it, you've got the whip hand here. Tell him you won't be going on holiday with him and don't stay overnight at his place again as there's no reason why you should do so and every reason for you to be at home to put an end to dd2 partying and disturbing the neighbours.

FGS end it. It's bewildering why you don't. We get he's a shit, you know he's shit, what's the issue? Bye bye, have a nice life, had enough of the way you are. Block all forms of contact, simple.
Get JSA, the main reasons to qualify are being sacked or made redundant. Seems you are putting up your own barriers to improve your life. Seek help for that, counselling and back to AA support. You hold the key and the power to change life for the better. You always did, your life is in your hands, not his

Feel like shit today. Anxious and sicky. Wondering whether my PTSD is rearing its ugly head again.
On a positive, I ordered Lundy Bancroft's book.

Why are you feeling 'anxious and sicky' today?

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD and if so, what meds/treatment have you received?

How is your dd1 bearing up and how is your dgs? Have you seen them or do you have plans to see them in the near future?

Woke up early and phone was ringing. Barrage of crap as soon as my eyes were open. That I'm lazy, useless and crap, and don't give a toss. All because I didn't return the 8th call yesterday.

Suffer badly with anxiety. PTSD was diagnosed when I left previous abuse in 2002. I took Citalopram for a while, then turned to booze to numb things, hence how the problem came about in the first place. I'm trying so hard to be sober but I really hate how I feel right now. I haven't been to see the gp yet. Wary and hesitant iyswim.
Just so numb

I've ignored him since.

Saw d1 earlier. She's stressed. gs1 has cld due to being prem. gs2 was born with a hole in the heart. Her dp walked out on her 6 weeks ago so yeah.

And all he wants to talk about is his visit to the docs, that I should've gone with him (I didn't know tbh) and making a meal about 3 dissolvable stitches he's had...

sighs

If your partner knew about you being anxious and shy and quiet, esp out in public, then says to you that you're very hard to introduce, what would you make of that? Especially when they're ranting at you?

it's made me feel even more self conscious. No ones ever said that to me before.
I'm self conscious as it is. Especially with all the boil scars I have too.

Life is very hard at the moment clearly. Do you have a third person you could talk to ( a friend or family menber) to share this burden.

No, not in RL.
Which is a damn shame

If your partner knew about you being anxious and shy and quiet, esp out in public, then says to you that you're very hard to introduce, what would you make of that?

I'd say "Yes, and...?"

Your DD1 clearly has a massive amount to cope with right now, but it's great that you're back in contact.

Do your DDs know about your drinking and trying to get sober?

I really hope you can get to a meeting. Just being around other non-judgmental people who know how you feel would be a tremendous help, I think.

This man is pure poison. Please stop allowing him to further poison your life, which sounds hard enough as it is, and concentrate your energies on finding work and on your own family.

I can imagine that with all you've faced/are facing, it seems like a positive thing in your life to have some kind of a "partner", maybe getting caught up in this relationship is a distraction from a lot of painful stuff you just can't face dealing with all the time.

But in the long run, he's only making your life a hundred times more difficult and painful, giving you even more issues you will then need to distract yourself from.

He really is poison. Read the Lundy Bancroft book, call women's aid, see if there's any way you can access any counselling or support just for you - whatever you do, get away from him. Don't allow him to poison your life any more and give yourself the best chance of creating a decent life for yourself.

Could you get a new number for your phone or block his calls. I think not listening to the barrage of his crap would help. Stop claiming carers allowance from the date you last saw him. Tell the benefits people that. Start looking for another job. Any hours would do but i suggest starting by working each day but not long hours. Keeping yourself busy will fill your time and stop you thinking of this tosspot.

You've done brilliantly with resisting drinking. Your daughters need you now. Spend the time caring for them. Cut all contact with this awful awful man.

You write very well, by the way, you are worth so much more than this tosser.

Something he said this weekend really has my radars up now.

My father spoke to dp over the weekend and offered to send money down for our train fare etc for the Norfolk hol. My father also lives in Norfolk and planning on seeing him for a few days. Of course dp is trying to commendeer the whole thing, my dad is ill. Blood clots in legs and recurring skin cancer. Process of divorcing my mum. hes just split with his 3yr gf he doted on. Dp gave him his address for the money to be sent instead of mine.
I overheard dp on phone to his mate early Sunday morning...'oh I'm gonna put it all on a horse when it arrives'.

Please tell me he is joking. That'll be a deal breaker for me. Stealing off an ill pensioner. He Spunked his SILs money once. £200 on a horse. Went on hol with ex gf and gambled all the spending money in one day and asking his brother for a loan?

And dp took me out on the piss Saturday all day.

Of course he's not joking. Whatever money your df sends him will be spent by him in the pub or in the bookies.

Why would you believe anything else of man who so obviously doesn't give a shit about you or your family?

Why haven't you got on to your df to tell him to send the money to you?
Who is planning on seeing your df for a few days during the proposed holiday to Norfolk? If you seriously believe that you will be allowed to spend any more than it takes for the ex-con to see if he can milk your df for more cash, you are deluded.

As soon as he's fed up with doing his Mr Charming act he'll start banging on about how his imaginery ailments are far more serious and painful than whatever medical conditions your df has, and you'll be required to forego any further time with your df in order to dance attendance on the controlling twunt.

As for him taking you out on the piss all day on Saturday, why did you go along with him? Is getting sozzled part of your role as his 'official carer? If so, the amount of time you spent in pubs at the weekend should be deducted from the minimum 35 hours per week you are required to spend 'caring' for him.

Please stop calling this alcoholic parasitic ex-con your 'dp'. You don't live with him and the only way he can be said to be 'dear' is the price your loved ones are paying because he makes sure that you are unable to spend any time on them without him kicking off. In truth he's not fit to be a partner to any woman, or man for that matter.

You have been given excellent advice on this thread; when are you going to act on it?

why are you carrying on with this farce?
why aren't you breaking up with him?
why aren't you taking any responsibility for making your life better?

How are things today OP? Have you spoken to your dad about the money?

Spoke to dad. It's too late. He's already posted the money. He's old school and sends cash ffs. If he bets it all, then that's it. It'll be over.

The reason why I've not done anything yet is because I'm bloody scared. To admit I've fucked up again. I love him deeply. I've been single 10 yrs. His gf died 5yrs ago. I know we live apart but our lives are still embroiled. We're engaged.
I'm also wary about changing benefits again. Last time was a delay of 4 weeks. D2 was stealing food and I went to a food bank literally starving. Partner knows nothing of this. If he was more involved in my life, I'd be more forthcoming.

Sorry. I've had to log in via fb. I'm depechegal. My old man name was the above. I took a hiatus for a while