partner/carer

[depechegal]

I really wish I knew where to start. I'm a carer for my partner of a year or so. We don't live together. I live with dd2 whose 17.

He had a troubled childhood (children's homes, raped, prison) which he never had counselling for.

Most of the time we get on great but he does have a jealous and controlling streak.

Thing is he refuses to engage with d2. He has never come to my house for a cup of tea. D2 met him a while back and she likes him tbh. I've asked many times for him to come to dinner, birthday parties, everything is refused to the point where I've given up asking.

So when I go to care for him at the weekends, d2 then runs riot. Friends here, complaints from neighbours, huge mess in flat which I'm expected to clean up. He's never bothered to meet d1 or my gs1+2.

Which leads me to the bugbear...he never touches me except to instigate sex. Never holds my hand or hugs me except when he's pissed. He always pulls away from me. Sex is always plain. Every single time.

He says he loves me and cares about me but he refuses to show any affection and doesn't engage with my family. He has no hobbies either.

His d2 has recently come into his life after 19 years. Was the gd1s birthday last month so we went to play happy families and I met all his ex step kids and the alcoholic ex.

I know it sounds petty but resentment is building up that he can go running for everyone yet doesn't come to mine. And I can't even get a bloody hug out of him. Feel like a caretaker rather than a fiancee

OP, first of all re the job situation: is there any chance you could speak with your boss, explain the situation (that this man is abusive and controlling and you're trying to get away from him) and ask to come in and have a chat? (Unless you are on a zero-hour contract, your sacking has most probably contravened the law anyway but if you work for a small company that may not carry much weight.) At least explain to your boss that you did NOT ask this man to call or make threats to your employer.

Secondly, I'm hearing from the things you say that you know this man is abusive, but you sound unsure of how to make the break. Do you feel obligated to keep fulfilling his needs at expense of your own?

No chance of that pocketsaviour, it was a zero hrs contract but beside the point. I enjoyed the job. I'd only been there 6 months!
He hated me finishing late (rural, no transport) so when I mentioned I got a lift home from the boss, he just casually said 'bet you had a shag in the woods on the way'. Hmm. Not funny

He's mentioned today that he's booked a short holiday to Norfolk next month for us. Right on top of when d2 starts college. And no, he never booked for d2 to come either.

So yeah, I'm pretty vexed today. D2 doesn't know about the holiday yet, I'm sure she'll feel pissed off too

He is very controlling, isn't he? What do you want to do about the holiday - will you tell him that the date doesn't suit you?

depechegal so what's going to change? You seem to have a pretty good understanding of this man, you know you are is carer and that's pretty much it with the odd shag thrown in, and you know he doesn't care about your dd2.

So, what's stopping you breaking up with him and being there on weekends with your dd?

If I ask him to arrange another date for the holiday, I know what he'll say. That I'm ungrateful and still 'putting her first' meaning d2.
Just stuck in the middle of it all

Like the last time we went on holiday and d2 never came then either and she managed to get herself locked out of the house. Then he got ratarsed and called me a slut

Said I'm tight with money...then I buy him a present and then he's not a charity case.

Always holding it as a stick to beat me with because I'm a recovering alcoholic. Tells me to get help cos I've been on a binge, then I go and get help, moans about my 'junkie meds' and hates me going to AA cos I'm out doing something without him. Right now I'm finding it really hard to stay sober. I've been drinking behind his back at home. If I reached out to him and asked for support as I have done in the past...I'm just weak willed, no gumption. Mid row on phone once, he told me to go drown in the off licence

When he accuses you of putting your daughter first, say yes I am and I always will.

Honestly I am quite shocked at this set-up. It sounds like the lure of the carer's allowance (paltry though it is) is keeping you with him. Also you sound very vulnerable eg your alcoholism and he is playing on that.

I don't know how you can be with him in any capacity, carer, partner, friend or anything tbh.

OP this is awful. He sounds so, so horrible to you.

Do you have a sponsor at AA? Can you get to a meeting today?

I think long term you would really benefit from doing the Freedom Programme. As it sounds like you have a pattern of abusive relationships.

this really struck me:
If I ask him to arrange another date for the holiday, I know what he'll say. That I'm ungrateful and still 'putting her first' meaning d2.
Of course you put your child before your boyfriend! Dear god! This makes it so obvious what a shit parent he must have been to his own kids

No sponsor at AA. Never got to give it a proper chance before he started complaining but I did enjoy it and got strength from it.
Found a step meeting close to where he lives. 'bet you're going there to pull' so that idea went to the water.
Shit parent? He walked out on both his kids when they were very young. His d2 recently traced him. She's very bitter that she didn't grow up up without a father and quite rightly so. She's entitled to feel that way and she told him so. He called her a cunt to her face. I was totally at that. He is totally oblivious to how she feels and doesn't want to listen.

Dear god :( :(

I really encourage you to go to a meeting. Leave your phone at home, and if he asks where you were, tell him it's none of his bloody business.

He is not the boss of you.

What is stopping you from finishing with him?

Op, I suspect part of you feels sorry for him because of his disabilities and you're afraid he won't cope without you. You don't like him, you don't respect him so that's the only reason I can think of that you've stuck it out this long.

I have fibromyalgia, I also have chronic bronchitis. Even at my lowest ebb I could never imagine treating someone the way he has treated you. And given how fibro wears you out to the point that small tasks are exceedingly difficult, I couldn't imagine a fibro sufferer finding the energy to send 40 what's app messages and five missed calls. I can barely muster the energy to reply to messages I've been sent. If he does have fibro and it's not just a handy diagnosis he found online to use as glue to bind you to him, then he is wasting his energy on trying to keep you constantly at his beck and call and that's not good for either of you.

How does he handle his illnesses? Does he go swimming to help with the muscle pain? Is he on prescribed meds? Does he have any walking aids, cold compresses, memory foam cushions? Is he waiting on any replacement surgeries? Or does he just sit around complaining that he's in pain?

If I left him, I'd have no money whatsoever, now that the jobs gone too. He put paid to that.
I don't get any money for d2 as she doesn't work nor in college. Not until mid September at the very least

OK, so is money the only barrier that you can see to leaving?

I believe he has deliberately got you into a vulnerable position with money by sabotaging your job, knowing this will make you dependent on the carers allowance you get.

Will you be able to claim JSA now? What do you think are your chances of being able to get work again soon?

Prescribed meds. He is a walking med counter. Dosed up to the eyeballs all day every day. Tramadol at night. Co dydramol in the day, plus Arcoxia. Steroid dependant and inhalers for the asthma, plus carbocisteine for the Bronchiecstasis., he hasn't done that either.
I've often suggested to him about going swimming. I have mild asthma. we've never done it yet it would benefit us greatly. He doesn't exercise much except walking to the bookies or going to the doctors.
I bought him a tens machine to help with the pain, he never used it. Doctor referred him to a pain management clinic, he refused. Doctor recommended him to go on Methotrexate. He hasn't.
I've suggested a lot of things ie yoga. Nothings changed.

I won't be able to claim JSA yet as I got sacked. I came away from JSA as I was working but not enough and they were still pressuring me to do work placements. Anxiety in that place is very high. Threats of sanctions etc. Horrible place

I know, my son's on JSA and it's grim. Do you think once your JSA comes through you would feel in a position to finish things with him?

Carer's allowance is so pathetic I'm sure you could pick something up to replace it eg bar work? If that's the only thing that's stopping you giving up this awful relationship.

now I'm back on benefits again

Assuming your rent/council tax is being paid and excluding the £62 carer's allowance you are claiming for him, how much do you get to live on per week or month and what have you done/are doing to find another job?

I get £57 a week income support with carers allowance. I still look for work though it's in back of my mind whether he'll pull a stroke like this again

why are you with him when you KNOW he's treating you and your dd very badly and doesn't love you?????

you CAN survive without him and get another job. Plus your dd is old enough to get at least a part time for the holidays and weekends when she starts college/uni.

I won't be able to claim JSA yet as I got sacked who told you this? you CAN claim jsa if you get sacked - it's only if you intentionally walk out of your job that you don't qualify.

If he doesn't know who you're working for he won't be able to "pull another stroke like this", will he?

Am I right in assuming you're getting £57 income support plus £62 carer's allowance per week?

Are you actively looking for work as in replying to ads, filling out application forms, etc, and enquiring in cafes/pubs/restaurants as to whether they need staff?

As you don't live with him and it appears you only stay overnight at his place on weekends, why would he know what you're doing on weeknight evenings and how would he know if you go to AA meetings?

You bought him a TENS machine and he won't use it?

OP, I'm not convinced his fibro is genuine. It's an easy enough condition to fake, it doesn't show up on any scans. If he's not listening to his doctors and making changes to benefit himself it means he's happy with how things are right now, and I can't imagine that someone who has pain so severe that he needs a carer would refuse help to reduce that pain.

Also, mentioning the bookies is a big red flag. Where does he get the money to gamble?

Prison is an education in more ways than one, Princess.

Even with modest outgoings in terms of mortgage/rent/council tax/utilities, it's probable that a single working man of similar age (56) would need to earn upwards of £45,000 pa to have a disposable income equivalent to that of this particular violent ex-con life and soul of the party and there are many with dxs not dissimilar to his who are in fulltime employment.

It''s a wonder that those ailments which allegedly began in early childhood didn't prevent him for embarking on a life of violent crime, but perhaps the physical exertion of causing actual bodily harm and wrecking a factory exascerbated his various medical conditions.

He's meant to be my partner, normal relationships are built on trust and honesty. I never gave him the number for my work, he went down my phone and got my boss' mobile. He openly admitted that.
He's always telling me I'm secretive and dishonest (further from truth). I told him I was going to to AA as I wanted him to be proud of me, to spur me on in my recovery. That I was actively doing something. I even asked him to come with me which was declined.

I didn't know that about the JSA.

He's declining all stuff re health cos deep down, I think he's addicted to the codeine and the steroids

Yip, gambling. we've had some tear ups about that one. Used to be a heavy gambler he said but beside the point. Spunked all his SILs housekeeping one week years ago but he still does £20/30 a week. And the lottery.

Now that I'm writing all this down and seeing it, he really doesn't respect me does he?

Reading this has made me really sad. When you are with someone like this it just makes you feel like crap all the time. Of course your children come first, I think this should be the case even when you are with their father. There are lots of good men out there who would love and appreciate you but he is not one of them. Look after yourself and your daughter. Get away from this emotional abuser as soon as possible. A relationship should add something to your life and this sounds like he is just bringing you down.

I'm sending you great support OP. You sound so vulnerable.

Let's look at some facts:

He mocks you attempts to stay sober.
He insults you with jibes about sleeping with other men.
He dislikes and disregards your DD.
He called his own child a cunt.
He uses you for sex.
He keeps you under constant surveillance.
He intentionally makes you jobless and more reliant on him.

There's more but that's enough for the time being. This man has serious issues. Zero empathy, violent tendencies and is highly manipulative. These are all traits of a psychopath. These are usually people just like this, not evil mass murderers. Just awful, self serving, un remorseful, selfish to the core bastards.

Can you contact Women's Aid for support? He is trying his hardest to take away from you your independence, your flat and most importantly, your DD. Ge support and get out.

Please?

And lastly, can you say hand on heart he has never physically hurt you? If so, I promise you it is on the cards. Walk away and never go back. If you are afraid contact the Police, they will take you very seriously.