partner/carer

[depechegal]

I really wish I knew where to start. I'm a carer for my partner of a year or so. We don't live together. I live with dd2 whose 17.

He had a troubled childhood (children's homes, raped, prison) which he never had counselling for.

Most of the time we get on great but he does have a jealous and controlling streak.

Thing is he refuses to engage with d2. He has never come to my house for a cup of tea. D2 met him a while back and she likes him tbh. I've asked many times for him to come to dinner, birthday parties, everything is refused to the point where I've given up asking.

So when I go to care for him at the weekends, d2 then runs riot. Friends here, complaints from neighbours, huge mess in flat which I'm expected to clean up. He's never bothered to meet d1 or my gs1+2.

Which leads me to the bugbear...he never touches me except to instigate sex. Never holds my hand or hugs me except when he's pissed. He always pulls away from me. Sex is always plain. Every single time.

He says he loves me and cares about me but he refuses to show any affection and doesn't engage with my family. He has no hobbies either.

His d2 has recently come into his life after 19 years. Was the gd1s birthday last month so we went to play happy families and I met all his ex step kids and the alcoholic ex.

I know it sounds petty but resentment is building up that he can go running for everyone yet doesn't come to mine. And I can't even get a bloody hug out of him. Feel like a caretaker rather than a fiancee

This won't show up on my fb activity will it? He gets notifs for everything that I do on there. I've had to log in via that cos of password reset here

I've read some truly terrible OPs and this is up there with the worst.

Why can't you tell this person to fuck off? I have no time for a parent who puts a partner before their dc.

Putting up with this shit because you've been single for 10 years?

Why did you let him potentially steal from your df? Your post is so woe is me but you are doing bugger all to change this train crash that is your life.

It's actually really sad. Can't offer you any more than has already been said but l do hope you cop onto yourself and soon.

Why didn't you call your df on Sunday before he'd sent cash I suspect he can ill afford to the ex-con who, unless your df used registered/recorded post, can claim it didn't arrive and milk him for more.

What do you hope to gain from this thread? Tips on how to make the controlling twunt more loving, caring, demonstrative, better in bed? If so, it ain't going to happen, honey, because even the blind can see that you're heading for disaster if you continue to prevaricate about dumping his sorry arse.

The cash your df sent will have arrived by now. Have you seen it?

Why is he getting notifications for everything you do on FB? If he's getting notifications for your FB account, what other accounts of yours is he accessing?

Wow he just better and better. A gambler as well!
Please please please get away from this abusive controlling prick.
Your DC and your DGC need you.
Good grief - it's honestly like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Dear OP I am sorry you are having such an awful time and struggling financially. If your daughter is 17 and NEET has she registered with her local careers/Connexions service? If a young person registers with them and is under 18 you would be able to reclaim child benefits and tax credits for her, she doesn't need to have actually started a course just to be registered. They could also help her look for a course or job. The tax credit and child
benefit is worth around £85 per week and then you would get your JSA on top of that.

This is truly awful. Good luck whatever you do

Wow - this is awful. There is no real hope. You need to move on.

This relationship is abusive and destructive but it's often difficult for people to realise that when they are in the middle of it. The OP does recognise that on some level that's why they are posting on here but getting out of it is not a simple process, there is so much going on, the alcohol and mental health issues, emotional ties, the amount of time the relationship has been going on, problems with daughter, etc. it might be possible to sort out one problem at a time, maybe start with the money side. The OP wasn't even aware she was entitled to JSA, as a recovering alcoholic she may be entitled to sickness benefit, ESA. Get daughter registered with careers and doing something like a course. Contact CAB they are brilliant for sorting out benefits entitlements etc. There are women's centres, domestic abuse services in most areas that can help. CAB will also be able to advise on how to contact those kinds of services locally. This OP is vulnerable and needs help and support to get rid of this dreadful person from her life.