Been no contact with mum for a few months and got an email today.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Just don't know where to go from here.

Will try and summarise back story. Basically she's not a nice person, very controlling and toxic. Last Sept she had my 13yo dd overnight so I could go to a wedding and according to dd made comments about me being fat and how my legs must rub together and how my brother was so fat he's at risk of diabetes.

She pretty much denied most of the conversation and said in an email to my brother that my dd was a fantasist and a stirrer. My brother was furious and cut contact. All of MN told me I should do the same but I wasn't strong enough.

Fast forward a few months and she sends a nasty email to my brother saying that I had wilfully held back some paperwork. My brother had returned all his copies of wills and powers of attorneys to me and mum told me to keep them. She then started on about (this was later) some certificates of jewellery value that my brother had. I'm asked him about them for her, he couldn't find them. I found them 4 months later in with the legal stuff Id had returned. I just hadn't realised this stuff was all together. I immediately told my mum I had it and she came to pick it up. But the night before picking it up sent my brother that email saying Id withheld it all on purpose.

She gets here, wouldn't look at me, would barely speak. Stood back when I opened the door and let the dogs run out last her. Ignored the dogs (she normally makes a fuss) so they carried on running into the busy street. Made no attempt to help me catch them and stood there with her hands in her pockets and her back to us. I gave her the paperwork, helped her carry a chair of hers to the car which she had asked for back. She muttered thanks and drove off.

I was furious. It was her birthday a few weeks later....I wasn't sure what to do and sent her a card. Got an email reply which said "thanks for the card". That was it.

Ive had no contact since.

So today I get an email which is mainly to my brother but I'm cc'd in. She's moaning at him for failing to return some house keys. And then at the bottom she's put;

*Regarding your claim Xxxxxx is not talking to me......I wouldn't know. She sent a card (late) for my birthday end of May - for which I sent her my thanks.
Since then I have been ignored. Just as you ignored my email re keys in April.

Ignoring emails I send to you both puts any ball in both your courts. The last contact was from me to both of you.
If both choose not to respond I have no insights as to why.*

So what do I do now? Ignore her? Or reply pointing out how rude she's been and how I consider the ball to be in her court as she hasn't apologised for being so vile. Though to be honest if I said this I think she would blow up. My brother told her last year she should apologise to me and dd and she ranted at me that she wasn't been told what to do by anyone. I expect Id get the same response. To be honest life has been lovely being NC. But I feel sad as I kind of feel that this is the last chance for any hope of reconciliation. But then I'm not sure I want it....

Yes. Having multiple relatives like her would be a nightmare.

Both my parents are narcs, one sibling is, SIL is, one sibling isn't. But he decided to go with them anyway, when I cut off the mafia boss.

So I have zilch left. Unfortunately my DH's situation is similar, and his mother is a narc and an alcoholic, and his father is no longer with us. Siblings are narcs too.

My grandparents are long gone, uncle not interested, aunt an alcoholic and never met my cousins.

At least DH and I understand each other though, and what we've been through

My plan is to create my large family myself!! One day I have this vision of me and my DH retired and in a lovely big house (yeah, I'm dreaming) and me cooking a lovely Sunday lunch and all my children and their partners and grandchildren are all there, and I'm just so happy

You cannot choose what you've been given, but you can choose how you live the rest of your life, and it's a short one lovely, so make sure it's happy and on your terms x

I know it's hard, but you know, families do dwindle down, even the best of them. It's just the nature of life, and time. And eventually your DD will marry and have children and so your family will 'begin again'.

It's just basically me and my family and my brother. Our dad is gone and our mother has dementia, so although she's still 'here' she's often 'elsewhere', iyswim. We do have assorted cousins but they are spread out over the US, none live near us, and are pretty much 'Christmas Card Cousins'. Not really sources of support.

But we do have wonderful friends, people we can lean on and celebrate with. I'm sure you do, too. Just pull them in and build your own new family.

You have my sympathies, sounds just like my mother (NC for almost a year). It's really hard but the only way really is not to respond. She wants a response but it will just drag you down. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't get sucked back into the madness.
Write your reply and then burn it.

She does sound like a narc doesn't she - so won't change

I would look for a counsellor, because the more you ignore her the more she'll up get campaign & it would be helpful for you to hsve someone to discuss that with. Under no circumstances should you respond.

It is hard, I only have DH and the kids and my brother and MIL.

You would be better off NC. I have been NC with a toxic member of my family for years and the relief when I see her at family events I can't avoid that I no longer have to deal with her is amazing. Some family have believed her without knowing the full facts. I could not give a rats arse about them.
Give yourself the gift of not caring about her and her toxic ways. You deserve it after the way you have been treated. Just the bit about perfunctory duty visits would be enough for me without all the rest of the drama and crap. She is trying to make you and your DB her next war to win and feel puffed up about. Don't clear the way for that OP.

Delete and block.

Well she's blocked. But I got a paper copy of the last email by post the other day!

Brother came back from holiday and I rang him. Things are fine between us, he knows she's bat shit. We both agreed no contact.

Anyway, he went back on it and replied to her email! Saying he hasn't got a bloody key and he wants his key back!

She's replied and he's copied me in. Saying she gave his key to me ages ago. A whole side of a4 about how unreliable and tardy I am.

Then she says she wants me to give her my copy of her house key back. I don't have a key for her house and never have! She hides one in a bloody flower pot in her garden which I used in the past.

Still ignore? Or write and say I don't have a key?

I would ignore - the key is not the issue and allowing yourself to get dragged into another petty squabble which essentially boils down to who said what and when will never bring you peace. I can understand your brother emailing her back - presumably he's not an MNer so hasn't got the benefit of the collective wisdom of everyone who has made that mistake before!

She doesn't care whether you have her key, she doesn't need it, she doesn't want it and she has no reason to think that you are going to do anything with it if you did have it. She wants to engage you again so that she can continue to bang on about stuff that is apparently so important that it prevents her from being pleasant, kind or treating you like a normal human being, let alone someone she is supposed to love.

Yes, she's just dragging you in at any cost, even at the expense of the actual truth.

Carry on ignoring.

Keep ignoring.

You know you have no key. She knows you have no key.

There is only one reason for what she is doing. To get you back in the middle of it all again.

Tell your brother you don't need to see any more of her shit it is all the same old crap.

Ignore your mother's latest attempt to drag you back into her dysfunctional world. This is not about the key.

Any response from you will simply give her the opportunity to bother you even more. Your brother also needs to not reply either!. It was a huge error on his part to actually respond; a reply is what she wanted, its the reward.