Been no contact with mum for a few months and got an email today.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Just don't know where to go from here.

Will try and summarise back story. Basically she's not a nice person, very controlling and toxic. Last Sept she had my 13yo dd overnight so I could go to a wedding and according to dd made comments about me being fat and how my legs must rub together and how my brother was so fat he's at risk of diabetes.

She pretty much denied most of the conversation and said in an email to my brother that my dd was a fantasist and a stirrer. My brother was furious and cut contact. All of MN told me I should do the same but I wasn't strong enough.

Fast forward a few months and she sends a nasty email to my brother saying that I had wilfully held back some paperwork. My brother had returned all his copies of wills and powers of attorneys to me and mum told me to keep them. She then started on about (this was later) some certificates of jewellery value that my brother had. I'm asked him about them for her, he couldn't find them. I found them 4 months later in with the legal stuff Id had returned. I just hadn't realised this stuff was all together. I immediately told my mum I had it and she came to pick it up. But the night before picking it up sent my brother that email saying Id withheld it all on purpose.

She gets here, wouldn't look at me, would barely speak. Stood back when I opened the door and let the dogs run out last her. Ignored the dogs (she normally makes a fuss) so they carried on running into the busy street. Made no attempt to help me catch them and stood there with her hands in her pockets and her back to us. I gave her the paperwork, helped her carry a chair of hers to the car which she had asked for back. She muttered thanks and drove off.

I was furious. It was her birthday a few weeks later....I wasn't sure what to do and sent her a card. Got an email reply which said "thanks for the card". That was it.

Ive had no contact since.

So today I get an email which is mainly to my brother but I'm cc'd in. She's moaning at him for failing to return some house keys. And then at the bottom she's put;


Regarding your claim Xxxxxx is not talking to me......I wouldn't know. She sent a card (late) for my birthday end of May - for which I sent her my thanks.
Since then I have been ignored. Just as you ignored my email re keys in April.

Ignoring emails I send to you both puts any ball in both your courts. The last contact was from me to both of you.
If both choose not to respond I have no insights as to why.


So what do I do now? Ignore her? Or reply pointing out how rude she's been and how I consider the ball to be in her court as she hasn't apologised for being so vile. Though to be honest if I said this I think she would blow up. My brother told her last year she should apologise to me and dd and she ranted at me that she wasn't been told what to do by anyone. I expect Id get the same response. To be honest life has been lovely being NC. But I feel sad as I kind of feel that this is the last chance for any hope of reconciliation. But then I'm not sure I want it....

[VivaLeBeaver]

She's also put on the email that she's copying the email in a letter to me because she's not sure I'm reading my emails. So I'm only going to get shit via letter from now on.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The letter can and must be shredded if she does send you this. Do not give her any power.

[cozietoesie]

Block her email nonethless.

[VivaLeBeaver]

She is totally crazy isn't she.

And one thing she's conveniently forgotten. When my brother gave me these files in dec 2014 which I never looked at and stuck on my bookcase and forgot about pretty much.

My dad had died the previous month. He and mum had been divorced for years. Funnily enough I was a bit more overwhelmed with having just lost him, sorting out the probate and getting his house cleared and sold. I was dealing with mountains of paperwork of my dads. Bank accounts, etc. my house was full of boxes of his paperwork.

Me and mum had an arguement about this time because she wanted to be mourner in chief at the funeral which seeing as my dad had remarried and therefore had a widow I felt it was inappropriate and not fair on my step mum. I told mum I didn't think she ought to come to the funeral but she pointed out I couldn't stop her and she was coming regardless.

[DoctorTwo]

Things like this are why my stepmother and stepbrother don't have either my email or phone number. Nothing is ever their fault and not having them in my life is wonderful. Just block if you can and if she calls round don't let her in.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Right, ive marked it as junk so I think future ones go into my junk folder.

[GoooRooo]

With letters, write 'return to sender' on them and pop them back in the postbox.

[custardismyhamster]

Give your brother a ring and have a quick chat so that you both know you are both fine with each other, so that her trying to drive a wedge doesn't work

[GoooRooo]

Viva what does your brother say about all this?

[No134]

to you. But otherwise wrt your mum's email, yeah yeah, blah blah. There is an MO for these kinds of communications, the whole tone and detail of this is very similar to ones I have had, right down to the spreadsheet-style record keeping of grievances. If you respond it will go on and on until you lose the will to live.

This is not the email of someone who wants to build bridges and rebuild relationships, it is the writing of someone who wants to be right all the time. If that involves destroying real relationships as in order to maintain their rigid worldview, then that is acceptable collateral damage from their point of view. Your feelings do not feature anywhere in her calculations, nor will they ever.

This relationship is not going to get better - in a very similar situation I spent the next three years chasing it round and round, at considerable cost to my mental and emotional health. I wd strongly suggest you avoid making the same mistake, and block her emails.

If she has a genuine change of heart, she'll find a way of communicating that to you, but don't hold your breath.

[VivaLeBeaver]

My brothers on holiday and not back until tomorrow I don't think. I really can't see it spdriving a wedge between us.

I told him that Id told her I thought he still had the files.....because I thought he did. He swore he'd given them to me and he did find them on my bookcase when he came over. He just laughed. I immedialty told my mum that he'd found them in my house and everything went downhill from there.

Part of me feels like replying because I'm so angry. I want to do a bullet point list email to her of how unreasonable and generally bonkers she's being.

[VivaLeBeaver]

And I'm worried if I do a return to sender with the letter thag she will pitch up on my doorstep. I think she will anyway if I ignore emails and letters.

[MrNoseybonk]

Wow, it's very clear from the wording of the email that she's completely crazy.
Stay on good terms with your brother so you can reassure each other it's her and not you two that are fault.

[VivaLeBeaver]

She is crackers isn't she? That email isn't an email a normal person would write even if they are angry/upset,? That style of email is very typical for her.....ive had a few like that over the years.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Viva

re your comment:-
"Part of me feels like replying because I'm so angry. I want to do a bullet point list email to her of how unreasonable and generally bonkers she's being".

No 134 is correct here and I have some experience in this area as well (FIL wrote some rambling missive to us but fortunately it was not replied to). Understandable though that is, you must NOT NOT NOT get further sucked in by writing a reply. ANY repeat ANY reply from you is the reward, she will bother you even more.

Re any letters from her, shred them immediately. Do not put them back in the postbox marked return to sender. No acknowledgement from you must be made.

You've read up on hoovering behaviours. This is exactly what your mother (and I use that term advisedly because she really has been no mother to you ever) has done here. These e-mails were not ever sent out of concern for your wellbeing and she does not want reconciliation either. She just wants to put the boot into you some more.

Her ego is more important to her than her now adult children.

[VivaLeBeaver]

And I'm angry that she makes no reference to her terrible behaviour when she last came to my house in a sulky mood and let my dogs run out onto the road.

But I shouldn't be suprised should I? She's probably either blocked that from her memory or totally minimised it and if I ever said anything she would accuse me of overreacting and would say it wasn't anywhwre near as bad as that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Viva,

If she turns up on your doorstep you can ignore her then as well. What can she do realistically if you do not let her in?.

You may well have to employ legal means in future if she starts such a campaign of harassment as well.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Thanks everyone. I know you're right. I need to stay strong. Ignore the email, shred the letter. Accept that I'm parentless.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"And I'm angry that she makes no reference to her terrible behaviour when she last came to my house in a sulky mood and let my dogs run out onto the road.

But I shouldn't be suprised should I?"

Indeed you should not be at all surprised. Its par for the course for such disordered parents to write such to their offspring and your mother's collective amnesia holds no bounds.

Honestly do yourself a huge favour and stop engaging with her on any level.

[Nibledbyducks]

What shines out from that email is that your mum expects such a level of emotion and drama over her pieces of paper!
I would be inclined to tell her that I was in no way "severely embarrassed" because I just didn't care that much.

[Nibledbyducks]

And then never speak to her again.

[TRexingInAsda]

Ignore, there's no point correcting her and pointing out the actual truth, she won't accept it, she likes her version better. Plus she is being deliberately ridiculous in her emails because she wants to piss you off enough that you respond. Doesn't matter what you say, if you respond she's engaged you and she's won, effectively in her mind. She just wants a way back in, don't give it to her.

[CarrieLouise25]

Please please ignore.

Contact is designed to stir up trouble and hurt. I still get contact from my narc mother, and I still get very upset.

So now, I don't read anything. My DH reads it all. If there's anything I need to know, he'll tell me. Otherwise I don't need the stress anymore.

My mother successfully turned my siblings against me, and now I don't have any family any more.

BUT. I am happy. And confident, and I am over the moon that my beautiful children will not have this toxic influence.

Be free... cut all contact (that means email/letters everything).

It's hard going no contact, so well done, but keep it up

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

She sounds nuts.

If it would help you. Write out a letter in reply and then fucking burn it in the knowledge you arent feeding her need for drama.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its is NOT your fault your mother is like this; you and your brother did not make her that way. That all started way back with her own parents (and their parents as well). You have not continued their toxic ways.

BTW what if anything do you know about her familial background and childhood because that often gives clues. (For instance my MIL was put on an emotional pedestool from a young age primarily by her dad and that has given her a gross sense of entitlement and righteousness. The effects of all that conditioning are apparent to this day).

Live well and grieve instead for the relationship you should have had, not the one you got.