Been no contact with mum for a few months and got an email today.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Just don't know where to go from here.

Will try and summarise back story. Basically she's not a nice person, very controlling and toxic. Last Sept she had my 13yo dd overnight so I could go to a wedding and according to dd made comments about me being fat and how my legs must rub together and how my brother was so fat he's at risk of diabetes.

She pretty much denied most of the conversation and said in an email to my brother that my dd was a fantasist and a stirrer. My brother was furious and cut contact. All of MN told me I should do the same but I wasn't strong enough.

Fast forward a few months and she sends a nasty email to my brother saying that I had wilfully held back some paperwork. My brother had returned all his copies of wills and powers of attorneys to me and mum told me to keep them. She then started on about (this was later) some certificates of jewellery value that my brother had. I'm asked him about them for her, he couldn't find them. I found them 4 months later in with the legal stuff Id had returned. I just hadn't realised this stuff was all together. I immediately told my mum I had it and she came to pick it up. But the night before picking it up sent my brother that email saying Id withheld it all on purpose.

She gets here, wouldn't look at me, would barely speak. Stood back when I opened the door and let the dogs run out last her. Ignored the dogs (she normally makes a fuss) so they carried on running into the busy street. Made no attempt to help me catch them and stood there with her hands in her pockets and her back to us. I gave her the paperwork, helped her carry a chair of hers to the car which she had asked for back. She muttered thanks and drove off.

I was furious. It was her birthday a few weeks later....I wasn't sure what to do and sent her a card. Got an email reply which said "thanks for the card". That was it.

Ive had no contact since.

So today I get an email which is mainly to my brother but I'm cc'd in. She's moaning at him for failing to return some house keys. And then at the bottom she's put;


Regarding your claim Xxxxxx is not talking to me......I wouldn't know. She sent a card (late) for my birthday end of May - for which I sent her my thanks.
Since then I have been ignored. Just as you ignored my email re keys in April.

Ignoring emails I send to you both puts any ball in both your courts. The last contact was from me to both of you.
If both choose not to respond I have no insights as to why.


So what do I do now? Ignore her? Or reply pointing out how rude she's been and how I consider the ball to be in her court as she hasn't apologised for being so vile. Though to be honest if I said this I think she would blow up. My brother told her last year she should apologise to me and dd and she ranted at me that she wasn't been told what to do by anyone. I expect Id get the same response. To be honest life has been lovely being NC. But I feel sad as I kind of feel that this is the last chance for any hope of reconciliation. But then I'm not sure I want it....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ignore your mother's latest attempt to drag you back into her dysfunctional world. This is not about the key.

Any response from you will simply give her the opportunity to bother you even more. Your brother also needs to not reply either!. It was a huge error on his part to actually respond; a reply is what she wanted, its the reward.

[magoria]

Keep ignoring.

You know you have no key. She knows you have no key.

There is only one reason for what she is doing. To get you back in the middle of it all again.

Tell your brother you don't need to see any more of her shit it is all the same old crap.

[Hissy]

Yes, she's just dragging you in at any cost, even at the expense of the actual truth.

Carry on ignoring.

[DoJo]

I would ignore - the key is not the issue and allowing yourself to get dragged into another petty squabble which essentially boils down to who said what and when will never bring you peace. I can understand your brother emailing her back - presumably he's not an MNer so hasn't got the benefit of the collective wisdom of everyone who has made that mistake before!

She doesn't care whether you have her key, she doesn't need it, she doesn't want it and she has no reason to think that you are going to do anything with it if you did have it. She wants to engage you again so that she can continue to bang on about stuff that is apparently so important that it prevents her from being pleasant, kind or treating you like a normal human being, let alone someone she is supposed to love.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Well she's blocked. But I got a paper copy of the last email by post the other day!

Brother came back from holiday and I rang him. Things are fine between us, he knows she's bat shit. We both agreed no contact.

Anyway, he went back on it and replied to her email! Saying he hasn't got a bloody key and he wants his key back!

She's replied and he's copied me in. Saying she gave his key to me ages ago. A whole side of a4 about how unreliable and tardy I am.

Then she says she wants me to give her my copy of her house key back. I don't have a key for her house and never have! She hides one in a bloody flower pot in her garden which I used in the past.

Still ignore? Or write and say I don't have a key?

[TheSkyAtNight]

Delete and block.

[ShizeItsWeegie]

You would be better off NC. I have been NC with a toxic member of my family for years and the relief when I see her at family events I can't avoid that I no longer have to deal with her is amazing. Some family have believed her without knowing the full facts. I could not give a rats arse about them.
Give yourself the gift of not caring about her and her toxic ways. You deserve it after the way you have been treated. Just the bit about perfunctory duty visits would be enough for me without all the rest of the drama and crap. She is trying to make you and your DB her next war to win and feel puffed up about. Don't clear the way for that OP.

[GoodtoBetter]

It is hard, I only have DH and the kids and my brother and MIL.

[saintlyjimjams]

She does sound like a narc doesn't she - so won't change

I would look for a counsellor, because the more you ignore her the more she'll up get campaign & it would be helpful for you to hsve someone to discuss that with. Under no circumstances should you respond.

[GoodtoBetter]

You have my sympathies, sounds just like my mother (NC for almost a year). It's really hard but the only way really is not to respond. She wants a response but it will just drag you down. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't get sucked back into the madness.
Write your reply and then burn it.

[AcrossthePond55]

I know it's hard, but you know, families do dwindle down, even the best of them. It's just the nature of life, and time. And eventually your DD will marry and have children and so your family will 'begin again'.

It's just basically me and my family and my brother. Our dad is gone and our mother has dementia, so although she's still 'here' she's often 'elsewhere', iyswim. We do have assorted cousins but they are spread out over the US, none live near us, and are pretty much 'Christmas Card Cousins'. Not really sources of support.

But we do have wonderful friends, people we can lean on and celebrate with. I'm sure you do, too. Just pull them in and build your own new family.

[CarrieLouise25]

Both my parents are narcs, one sibling is, SIL is, one sibling isn't. But he decided to go with them anyway, when I cut off the mafia boss.

So I have zilch left. Unfortunately my DH's situation is similar, and his mother is a narc and an alcoholic, and his father is no longer with us. Siblings are narcs too.

My grandparents are long gone, uncle not interested, aunt an alcoholic and never met my cousins.

At least DH and I understand each other though, and what we've been through

My plan is to create my large family myself!! One day I have this vision of me and my DH retired and in a lovely big house (yeah, I'm dreaming) and me cooking a lovely Sunday lunch and all my children and their partners and grandchildren are all there, and I'm just so happy

You cannot choose what you've been given, but you can choose how you live the rest of your life, and it's a short one lovely, so make sure it's happy and on your terms x

[VivaLeBeaver]

Yes. Having multiple relatives like her would be a nightmare.

[cozietoesie]

Large families can have their own problems - imagine if you had a whole bunch of people like your 'mother', extreme though that situation would be - so it's entirely possible that someone from a large family might be reading this and envying what they perceive to be the clarity of your own life.

As 134 said, take some time to understand your feelings - that will pay off in the longer term.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Thanks, it is very hard.

I think the thing I'm struggling with is having no family apart from Dh, dd and my brother.

Ive lost my dad, my gran, my aunt, my uncle. Have no cousins. No other grandparents. And now it looks like ive lost my mum.

I'm very envious of people with large families.

[Smilingforth]

My thoughts are with you. Very hard

[No134]

Yy, I didn't mean to imply that you were valuing money above relationships. It's just that there are so many different levels to this kind of situation, and it's always the thing you hadn't thought of that comes and bites you from behind.

The true tragedy of it is that in their determination to hold onto their worldview in which they are right and their perfect worldview cannot be challenged, they destroy the real relationships that could actually reduce their need to live in such an entrenched and rigid fantasy world.

But that is not a problem we are going to be able to solve on their behalf. The only trying you can do is put in place boundaries to make sure you don't get dragged down with it.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I'm more upset about her inability to be a nice person and the resulting lack of a relationship more than anything else to be honest. Id rather trade her with all her money for a skint nice mother who I could have a relationship with.

As for when she dies....will I be sad? Dunno. Maybe then there'll be a small part of me thinking i should have stuck it out for the cash! . She's elderly now!

[No134]

Ah yes, I have long ago accepted that I will be disinherited. She will almost certainly leave her whole considerable estate to my siblings, or possibly in trust for the grandchildren. Luckily I get quite a bit of satisfaction from contemplating all the fucks I do not give about this. But it is def worth taking the time to explore carefully how you feel about that possibility, both consciously and unconsciously. The more you understand about your feelings, the less likely you are to be ambushed or blindsided by any trick she might pull.

[VivaLeBeaver]

starburst. I'm not sure actually. There was some sort of PA paperwork, I think maybe my brother had PA. I'm sure she's changed that now! I'm sure she's changed her will as well. I am kissing goodbye to a significant amount of money (couple of 100k) but I don't care.

She is one for playing the "I'll remember you in my will" game. Her mother was exactly the same and in the end she left her estate to me and my brother and nothing to my mum. It wasn't a lot.....10k each but I don't think mum was happy. Over the last few years she's frequently said (even when things are ok between us) that she might leave everything to my dd rather than to me and my brother.

I suspect now she will leave everything to the local dogs home.

[Starburst123]

Holy moly! This is not quite the same, but in the block of flats I help look after, we have someone who behaves in exactly the same way - it's uncanny. 134 - you have helped more people than you know posting what you have posted.

With regards to OP, I'm assuming your "D"M is trying to control the outcome of some sort of power of attorney - you do know that you can just let the local authorities in her area take care of this? Sure, you will likely not benefit from her assets (they will be gobbled up by the LA), but quite frankly, are you even slightly bothered about that right now? I know if my DM pulled those sorts of PA stunts with me, I'd be more than happy to let the LA take total control of her assets..
I'm sorry if I'm totally off the mark, but this smacks of "when I'm gone-itis" to me.

[AcrossthePond55]

It really isn't worth it. She will never admit that she's wrong. Any response from you will only escalate things. Before you know it you'll be in a back and forth exchange that will accomplish nothing

Trust me, I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when you know the other person is full of shit. But it's just not worth opening your mouth if it won't do any good.

[magoria]

Part of me feels like replying because I'm so angry. I want to do a bullet point list email to her of how unreasonable and generally bonkers she's being.

Ignore that hook and line.

Carry on as you are.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Yes, I have to rein in my argumentative streak. But at least ive learnt to do this and have the self awareness to stfu. Sometimes I will know I'm right but also realise it's not worth it due to how the other person may take it.

[DoJo]

Ha ha - cross posted re the need to be right over everything. It is a tendency I see in myself and I try very hard not to let that overwhelm me because I know how unappealing it is. Nobody ever looked back on their life and said 'I'm glad I won that argument about whether I had been the last one to open the freezer' although plenty of people probably look back and regret that a culmination of those sort of petty spats cost them a relationship which they should have valued so much more.