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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading holiday

91 replies

Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:13

DH and I are separated, soon to be starting divorce proceedings but still living together. We have 2 young DCs. This situation is stressful enough as it is but the thing that's worrying me more at the moment is the fact we are going on holiday this weekend. We're going with some friends (originally my friends) and their kids.

DH is adamant that we don't tell them our situation as he thinks it will create an atmosphere. I think we should say something as I'm so sick of living a lie. Although I don't want the holiday to be about us. I'm not worried about the days as we'll be so busy running around with the children, it's once they've gone to bed...

DH likes a drink (or 10) and I'm just so unsure how I'm going to be able to cope with it all. He's says he is really looking forward to it as well. Does anyone have any advice for me please?

OP posts:
fourtothedozen · 10/08/2015 07:19

I wouldn't go.
But then I couldn't live with someone I was divorcing.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/08/2015 07:21

Tell him to stay at home.

Whycantibehappy1 · 10/08/2015 07:26

I wouldn't go, would put even more pressure on you. Or go and sleep in different rooms

UncertainSmile · 10/08/2015 07:27

I wouldn't go in this situation.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:28

I can't not go. The DCs would be devastated.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 10/08/2015 07:36

Do the DCs know you've separated?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2015 07:37

This holiday has potential flashpoints written all over it.

Presumably you are dreading the evenings as well because he will sit there and get drunk on a nightly basis. I take it as read too he has point blank refused to move out.

I would think that they are more than aware that things are not happy at home. I would also not think that they would be "devastated" at the thoughts of you all not going on holiday; they would be more unhappy to realise that their mother put him and his wishes first. Why is everything seemingly on his terms re all this anyway?.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:38

Not yet. I wanted to tell them once all our plans were in place.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 10/08/2015 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freshstart24 · 10/08/2015 07:39

Is there a chance he sees this holiday as a way of maybe patching things up? It does sound as though he is not facing reality.

If these are good friends you may find they want to support you through your separation, if so you could consider telling them but asking them to keep to themselves for now.

I can understand why you want to keep things 'normal' for DC but I'm not sure this is possible under the circumstances- I know I would end up cracking under the holiday strain.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:40

To be honest I haven't asked him to move out, he knows he'll have to but as we haven't started really sorting the financial stuff yet we are just living in limbo. It's horrible, I know. And unbearable. He does seem perfectly happy at the moment though, which is a nicer state for me than the silent treatment I usually get.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/08/2015 07:41

How long are you going for? I'd tell the kids dad has to work and go just the 3 of you.

What's the plan with regards to him moving out?

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 07:42

I don't think you should go tbh. It isn't fair on you, your stbx, your children or your friends.

I think yes maybe tell your friends you are separating, as long as you tell your stbx that you have done so. I think it is a little unfair otherwise.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:42

Oh god, I don't know. He wants to blame me for it all as he keeps saying he wanted to try and work on it but I didn't etc etc but the damage has been done I'm afraid. Maybe he is in denial. I'm definitely not.

OP posts:
Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 07:45

To be honest I haven't asked him to move out, he knows he'll have to but as we haven't started really sorting the financial stuff yet

Please see a solicitor. Technically he doesn't have to move out until the divorce and finances are sealed. If he is seeking advice himself he would probably be advised of this.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:45

I feel like I'm at breaking point with it all to be honest. I'd love it to be the 3 of us but there's no way he will agree to that. I also want us to try to be on friendly ish terms so we can co parent effectively. This is all so hard.

OP posts:
LikeIcan · 10/08/2015 07:46

What does it matter if he makes an idiot of himself with drink? you're divorcing him soon anyway. I'm assuming your friends know the situation so you're not under pressure to play 'happy families' on their behalf. As for the dc, they'll just be enjoying the holiday & too busy to notice anything.
Personally. I'd be under less pressure on this holiday than previous ones because you've made the decision to split.

Relax, enjoy yourself.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:46

bubbles we have both seen solicitors. We know what will happen, we just haven't started the process yet.

OP posts:
Isetan · 10/08/2015 07:47

If your H likes a drink or 10 he's not really concerned about a harmonious atmosphere. The request, like his alcohol abuse, is all about prioritising his denial. If you really insist on going, please let the couple know in advance and do not let your H guilt you into participating in any alcohol fuelled socialising.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:47

That's the issue likeican the friends we are going with don't know. He doesn't want them to know.

OP posts:
Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 07:50

It is a little unfair to involve your friends. It is their holiday too and I'm not sure I would want to spend my holiday in such a frosty atmosphere.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2015 07:52

"I also want us to try to be on friendly ish terms so we can co parent effectively".

Hmmm, given his past and present attitude towards you that is perhaps unlikely in the longer term too. He's already adept at blaming you for everything so will likely continue to blame you for any separation as well. He will probably weep and wail to anyone daft enough to listen to him saying, "well I wanted to try and save this".

He cannot and must not have everything his own way re not telling anyone, that only serves his own self interest and shows too that he only cares about how he appears to be in all this.

I think you really do need to consider properly starting divorce proceedings and let your Solicitor deal with him.

wishingchair · 10/08/2015 07:53

I think they'll realise pretty sharpish that all is not well. He's bonkers if he doesn't realise that.

I think you'll find it's going to be all about you whether you tell them or not!

fourtothedozen · 10/08/2015 07:54

He doesn't want them to know.

DH is adamant that we don't tell them our situation

Why are you allowing him to dictate these terms?

BathtimeFunkster · 10/08/2015 07:56

You can't impose this shit on your friends.

It is not fair to make them suffer a holiday during which you are separated and they don't know.

Either you all go, minus him. Or none of you go.

Those are the options.

His suggestion is ridiculous and unfair.

Just tell him no.

Amicable requires two people to work towards it.

You don't get amicable from one person being a dick and the other person accepting it for a quiet life.