Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading holiday

91 replies

Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:13

DH and I are separated, soon to be starting divorce proceedings but still living together. We have 2 young DCs. This situation is stressful enough as it is but the thing that's worrying me more at the moment is the fact we are going on holiday this weekend. We're going with some friends (originally my friends) and their kids.

DH is adamant that we don't tell them our situation as he thinks it will create an atmosphere. I think we should say something as I'm so sick of living a lie. Although I don't want the holiday to be about us. I'm not worried about the days as we'll be so busy running around with the children, it's once they've gone to bed...

DH likes a drink (or 10) and I'm just so unsure how I'm going to be able to cope with it all. He's says he is really looking forward to it as well. Does anyone have any advice for me please?

OP posts:
recyclingbag · 10/08/2015 07:58

If I were your friends I'd be furious.

This is their holiday too and there is no way, given want you have said, this will be an tension free holiday.

Whether you tell them now, or later, they still have a right to be mightily pissed off.

We were at a dinner party with a mid-divorce couple recently & it was torture.

Tell him he can't go. If he genuinely wants it to be amicable he should respect that.

wishingchair · 10/08/2015 07:58

I'm with bathtime on this one. I would hate to be your friends in this situation. I honestly don't know if I'd want to know or not know. What I do know is the holiday will be pretty shit.

LikeIcan · 10/08/2015 08:00

Oh I see. sorry, I thought it was just your children who didn't know.
Ok, then say nothing & just go with the flow. If he does embarrass you or annoy you just think 'I'm so glad I don't ever have go through this again' - when you get home & your friends eventually find out just say you didn't want the holiday to be 'all about us' - honestly, there's not really much you can do here apart from just getting through it as best you can. Enjoy it for the children's sake, & have that peace of mind in your head that you've already made the difficult decision to split.
The worst case scenario is that you'll actually get on !

esiotrot2015 · 10/08/2015 08:01

It's warning bells that he doesn't want anyone to know you're divorcing
He's clearly in denial

RubyRedfortSecretAgent · 10/08/2015 08:03

Do your friends drink as much as your DH ?

esiotrot2015 · 10/08/2015 08:06

I agree with recyclingbag
I'd probably take the woman aside and tell her what's going on before the holiday so they can make a decision if they still want to go

BalloonSlayer · 10/08/2015 08:11

Awful situation and feel so sorry for you, but agree about it not being fair on your friends. It has all the markings of a winning post on a "what was your worst holiday" thread . . . "Went on holiday with friends and their DCs. Had saved up all year, our only break, really looking forward to it. It turned out the "freinds" were splitting up but hadn't told us or their children. He sat and got pissed every night, she looked totally stressed and miserable. Excruciating atmosphere. Will never holiday with anyone ever again, or speak to them again for that matter." Sad

wishingchair · 10/08/2015 08:11

Esiotrot- what choice do they have? The holiday will all be paid for.

Whycantibehappy1 · 10/08/2015 08:14

I've been through this, it's his denial. He doesn't want it to happen. The longer you carry on the more he will think everything is ok. I moved out sold fmh and lived separate and xh still thought we were going to get back together, still does now.

LikeIcan · 10/08/2015 08:20

& op, I wouldn't worry too much about your friends, ( they're probably going through their own personal s**t & your problems would just be a welcomed distraction ) just focus on the children & be happy with them Smile

All the best.

tigermoth · 10/08/2015 08:23

The evening's when the children are in bed are going to be very difficult.

What happens if your friends start talking about future plans with you and your soon to be ex? If you both start lying to them, you may well end up telling them different stories especially if you are talking to your friends separately. Surely they will guess something is up?

At worst, if your friends guess, then your children may also guess. It could be very messy.

If you do go with your dh, any chance of you feigning illness so you can regularly disappear off to bed as soon after the children are asleep? At least you will be spared trying to act like a couple in front of your friends.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2015 08:27

They are your friends, so I would tell them and ask if they think it's a better idea that you go alone with the kids.

I really wouldn't want a potential atmosphere on my holiday. Especially with the temptation of drink, and thereby the possibility of caustic arguments and loose tongues.

I had to keep my ds's godparents planned separation a secret at a party once and that was hard enough to get through. Never mind a holiday.

Or offer to stay home and let him take the kids to give you a break and some breathing space?

saintlyjimjams · 10/08/2015 08:31

You should go with kids (as they're your friends), he should make up an excuse & stay at home.

The fact he sees no problem in you all going speaks volumes.

SavoyCabbage · 10/08/2015 08:57

I think it's preposterous to go on holiday with your friends and lie to them and pretend everything in the garden is rosy.

He is putting you in a situation that could damage your friendship for a start. You don't have to do what he says.

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 09:05

Thinking about it, I actually don't think any of you should go.

I really think either way it is unfair on your friends, whether you all go or just you and your children

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 09:09

I'm wondering whether some of you are right and he does think there is a chance we will get back together. It's always me who instigates the conversations and he always starts with the 'well I didn't want this anyway' line. There is no chance as far as I'm concerned.

The reason he gets to dictate things is because that is how he has always been. If I disagree with something he's gets in a strop so I end up agreeing to keep the peace. No such thing as compromise in this house. He never expected me to want a divorce, how could I possibly not think he is perfect in every way? I think he still thinks I won't go through with it. He's an entitled arse who has treated me like shit.

I am tempted to go with likeican's suggestion and grin and bear it. This will be the final one at least. We holidayed with the same family last year and things weren't exactly a bed of roses but we got through it, the kids adored it and they wanted to do it again so maybe for their sake I can do it?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/08/2015 09:45

I think the holiday is the least of your worries. You need to ramp up the divorce proceedings and get him out of the family home. Show him you're serious.

What has your solicitor advised?

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 10:03

I've only had the free half hour so far jean so I need to take the next step I guess. What is the next step? Appoint the solicitor?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/08/2015 10:37

I'd get that appointment before you go on holiday if possible so at least you have started the ball rolling.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 11:02

I don't know what to do from here. DH keeps saying we should do it ourselves so it doesn't cost as much. I'm all for just getting it done. I'm clueless about it to be honest. He's also not forthcoming with the financials either.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/08/2015 11:08

Please ignore him. You need professional legal advice. In the meantime, gather as much financial information as you can - bank statements, pension statements, salary slips etc etc.

Your solicitor will advise you on the rest.

pocketsaviour · 10/08/2015 11:16

DH keeps saying we should do it ourselves so it doesn't cost as much.

So he can bilk you out of getting what's fair, you mean.

I can hear from your posts that he's been controlling you through his sulks and anger for the past X years. I know it's difficult to grasp when you're used to him getting his own way with everything, but he is not the boss of you. You are under no obligation to compromise or find a solution that he is happy with because you are separated.

So here's what I'd do:
Tell the other couple, then tell him you've told him
With luck, he will then say he's not going
Give him the choice that either he goes with the kids, or you and the kids go on your own
If he refuses to consider this then none of you go
Tell the kids, they must be feeling incredibly anxious and will definitely know something's going on, believe me
If none of you are going, then plan some fun and cheap activities with the kids and yourself (NOT HIM) over the same period as the holiday.
Contact your solicitor... you may even want to find a new one. Let them know that your STBXH is likely to be awkward but at the same time you'd like to keep costs down as much as possible, and see what they suggest.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 11:20

I can't tell you how much all this advice means to me. Like I said, I'm utterly clueless. I can't believe I used to hold down a well paid, decent job, i can't even string a proper, interesting sentence together these days. I need to get my head together and move on with this one. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 11:22

You're so right pocketsaviour, even though we've separated he's still telling me I need to be nice to him and sit with him on an evening as he feels happier that way. Doesn't matter what my needs are.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 10/08/2015 11:25

You need to be 'nice' to him, why? He sounds awful, and you'll be well rid, you need to stop listening to him and taking any notice, you have to do what's right for you and the children now, what he wants is completely irrelevant