Dreading holiday

[Winniethewylde]

DH and I are separated, soon to be starting divorce proceedings but still living together. We have 2 young DCs. This situation is stressful enough as it is but the thing that's worrying me more at the moment is the fact we are going on holiday this weekend. We're going with some friends (originally my friends) and their kids.

DH is adamant that we don't tell them our situation as he thinks it will create an atmosphere. I think we should say something as I'm so sick of living a lie. Although I don't want the holiday to be about us. I'm not worried about the days as we'll be so busy running around with the children, it's once they've gone to bed...

DH likes a drink (or 10) and I'm just so unsure how I'm going to be able to cope with it all. He's says he is really looking forward to it as well. Does anyone have any advice for me please?

This has disaster written all over it. There is so much about your situation I can't claim to understand, but being that it is what it is, let's go from there. It sounds like he is perfectly happy to continue as if you were still together indefinitely, and by the sounds of things that's what he wants anyway. If he can pull that off for the duration of the holiday, great, but can you? It doesn't sound like it.

If you turned up alone and dropped the bombshell on them It would be weird and uncomfortable for them. Not because you'd be alone (although the guy might feel a bit miffed at being outnumbered by women with no male company) but because the whole holiday will then become overshadowed by the news of your separation and the expectation to need to talk about it. That's not really fair on them. As good friends I'm sure they Will want to have that conversation, just not for the duration of their holiday.

You should have cancelled ages ago. If you didn't feel able to be honest about the need to cancel at that point then you should have lied. Personally I think it would be fairer to just tell them and let them go alone now, rather than risk embarrassment and awkwardness and a bad atmosphere. Public marital showdowns or having to witness someone in bits as their relationship disintegrates before your eyes is absolutely awful. I know - I had to do it recently on a holiday with friends!

But as I said, if your H can get through it without causing awkwardness or suspicion then perhaps you should just gird your loins, fix a smile and get on with it. You've allowed it to get this far, after all.

Then as soon as you get home deal with it. You can't carry on like this.

Oh and BTW in case it wasn't clear in my previous post, I agree with your DH that you should (if at all possible) not break the news to them while you are on holiday. He is right, it will be awkward and awful. I know you don't want to live a lie but you've already created that monster - this holiday is not the time to set the record straight. Either do it now and don't go, or get through it and tell them afterwards.

I think telling them is the best thing to do. If I was on holiday with friends and they were snippy with each other I'd be irritated. I'd rather know if they were divorcing as I wouldn't then try and engineer alone time for them. I can just imagine trying to send them out for an evening or putting chocolates on their bed!

We often holiday with several friends- one couple a few years back were in the early stages of divorcing and we were all careful- not commenting when one slept on the sofa, allowing them to go off for walks while we watched their dcs, staying up late with each of the couple separately rather than coupling off etc.

Of course he won't care if you are squirming or whether he ends up spoiling it for everyone else.

Ordinarily he is a misery but of late he is quite good tempered? He knows you're unable to anticipate a holiday as you normally would, worrying in advance he will at any point break the news that you want a divorce in front of your friends and worse, the DCs.

If I have read this right there is a possibility he will ramp up the tension simply by baiting you with keeping quiet. At worst, being the life and soul or egging everyone to capture the moment and build memories with lots of happy snaps. Only then to baffle everyone and make you look flaky when the news breaks.

I didn't think he was quite that calculated but that sounds horribly close to the truth Donkey, he comes across as being so lovely, caring, chatty and kind in public. Playing with the kids, being helpful etc and behind closed doors he's so different. When people hear we're divorcing they will be so shocked as outwardly we appear like the perfect family. He is banking on this as he can then blame me as he is such a perfect dad and husband and I am clearly deranged and hard to live with. This is what's so hard.

I think cancelling the holiday would be best unless the couple are very good friends of yours. Because your STBXH is a horrible, abusive, manipulative individual who is going to make absolutely sure that this holiday is hell for you. He may use it as an opportunity to fondle and grope you and make a big deal about how much he 'loves' you - if he has form for bullying you into sex he will ramp that up. Or he may moan and weep and 'confide' in your friends that you are a spiteful cunt who is destroying the family - it will depend partly on how much fun he thinks he can get out of spoiling their holiday as well as yours - he will have calculated the benefits of getting the friends on his side and removing their support for you against looking foolish: he may have a strategy which involves demonstrating his 'loveliness' to them with the payoff of enlisting them when you do file for divorce as he can say 'But we were so haappy on holiday, how could she lie like that and pretend things were fine when she was planning to dump me...@

I'd bet that if he can get some lovely happy photos of you all having fun as a family on holiday, he'll be using them to contest that you've split, as well as to show your friends/family that you're totally unreasonable and you were happy together.

It's a terrible idea to go. Your children will be disappointed if you don't, but they could be hurt much worse if your husband does something stupid like announcing the news whilst you are there. Even if he doesn't ruin your children's holiday, he will absolutely make sure that he ruins yours, and the situation will ruin your friends holiday too.

It's not what I would do Winnie, but good luck.

oh dear, I hope sgb's assessment of the situation is mistaken but I have a horrible feeling she is spot on

winnie, I can see you have made your mind up

I hope you don't live to regret it

I haven't made my mind up AnyFucker I'm a mess to be honest. I don't know what to do.

Go with kids and without DH.

I think if I were in your shoes, having not cancelled the holiday already, I'd go but with some clear ground rules about sleeping arrangements etc (not sure if you're in a hotel, villa etc). I'd be clear I was going purely and simply for the children to have a holiday, and that the divorce was still going to go ahead, and I'd hope we could be amicable on holiday. Depending on how well I knew the friends would determine whether I could hold it all together for the duration though. Easy pretending to people you don't know that well. Nigh on impossible, if they know you inside out.

And then as soon as you get home, you see your solicitor and get things moving. In fact make the appointment now so you have it already set up.

I have just this minute emailed my solicitor wishingchair I don't want to be swayed on my decision by anything. Everywhere I look he appears to have turned on the charm and like so many have said he will continue this on holiday so that a) I change my mind about the divorce or b) he gets people on side who will find it incredulous I could be divorcing such a thoroughly nice chap.

I really do appreciate all the advice I am getting here, it's helping me clarify the situation, and helping me to see the many pitfalls.

If you must go then I would tell your friends - and ask them if they are still happy to holiday together.

Winnie, how long is the holiday for?

I'd say a week is manageable. Two is a struggle (day 8 here).

One really positive point is it has cemented that not being married to him any longer is absolutely the right thing.