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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dreading holiday

91 replies

Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 07:13

DH and I are separated, soon to be starting divorce proceedings but still living together. We have 2 young DCs. This situation is stressful enough as it is but the thing that's worrying me more at the moment is the fact we are going on holiday this weekend. We're going with some friends (originally my friends) and their kids.

DH is adamant that we don't tell them our situation as he thinks it will create an atmosphere. I think we should say something as I'm so sick of living a lie. Although I don't want the holiday to be about us. I'm not worried about the days as we'll be so busy running around with the children, it's once they've gone to bed...

DH likes a drink (or 10) and I'm just so unsure how I'm going to be able to cope with it all. He's says he is really looking forward to it as well. Does anyone have any advice for me please?

OP posts:
ARGH2AHHH · 10/08/2015 11:27

Honestly, I wouldn't go. I'd cancel the whole thing. Yes your kids will be disappointed but they will get over it. They will be picking up on vibes anyway, the holiday would be awful for all concerned.

Also if you refuse to partake in this holiday you are demonstrating to him that you are making your own choices and to hell with him. You don't want to spend time with him and you do have to do anything he says anymore.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 10/08/2015 11:27

Winnie, stop listening to your controlling husband

See a solicitor and get the divorce under way. Fees can be taken out of your settlement later if you are worried about cash flow at the moment

An amicable divorce is never going to happen when someone won't play ball. This bloke will string it out as long as he can, to the detriment of your mental and physical health and not give two shits about it

His aim is to punish you. A good divorce lawyer, experienced in situations where one partner is acting like a prick, will mean you don't have to actually deal with his shit anymore

Disengage. Stop sitting with him. Stop doing any wifework for him. Stop interacting with him apart from routine and necessary communication about household/childcare issues. Don't tell him any of your plans.

It's the only way to do this with someone like him. Keep going, and eventually you will be free of him Thanks

AnyFucker · 10/08/2015 11:30

Oh, and start as you mean to go on. Cancel the holiday. Your kids will be ok. They will have to be when you divorce, yes ? Trying to spare them hurt now is hurting you and it won't make any difference in the long run, other than giving him more opportunities to grind you down.

Cancel the holiday and tell your friends why. Stop keeping this secret...it is working against you and for him (because if he thinks you don't tell anyone in a little while you will STFU with your unreasonable nagging etc etc)

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2015 13:02

I imagine this time of living together "secretly" won't count as separation time either. How will it be recognised?

Jan45 · 10/08/2015 13:06

Why are you living together, even more oddly, why are you going on holiday together, talk about living a lie and pretending, I assume he decided all of this.

Until you actually separate from him in that you start thinking for yourself, I'd be very careful, the man is not interested in your best interests.

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 13:09

I imagine this time of living together "secretly" won't count as separation time either. How will it be recognised?

It can be I believe, but you have to be living separately IYSWIM.

Legally (which a solicitor would advice him) OPs stbx doesn't have to leave the house until divorce and finances are settled.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2015 14:24

As long as the op has somehow made the separation official though?

He is playing for time I think.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 15:07

I don't know how to make it official? We've agreed we're going to start divorce proceedings. Are we therefore separated in the meantime?

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2015 15:21

Is there a two year period to wait? I haven't lived in the UK for a while so I can't remember.

Did you tell the half hour solicitor you were officially separated?

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 10/08/2015 15:31

At that point we weren't, I was just getting my head around it.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/08/2015 16:24

You really need to make that appointment with the solicitor Winnie. They can answer all these questions and get the ball rolling.

Georgethesecond · 10/08/2015 16:35

You can't go ahead with this holiday, your poor friends. Your kids will get over it. It's only a holiday, not as major as the separation they will soon also need to get over. They'll cope.

Goodbetterbest · 11/08/2015 02:46

Winnie, I ended my marriage two weeks before we were due to go on holiday. We got through it for the kids - they didn't know. Told them at Christmas. He has since moved out and we have started the divorce process.

I am writing this from my hotel room - we'd booked a massive holiday before we split and decided to see it through.

I have such clarity now as to why I ended the marriage. He is thoroughly unpleasant.

It IS do-able but only because there is an end point, and we have separate rooms. I cannot wait to step off the plane and say good bye to him. But for now, I'm reverting back to accepting being spoken to like a piece of shit. It's not forever. After years and years of it, another fortnight doesn't matter to me. The kids are having a great time and I am compromising my arse of so as not to rock the boat. Yes, yes, I know I SHOULDNT, but I am. For two weeks.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 11/08/2015 07:11

I have considered all the advice given here and slept on it and I am going to go, this will be the last one and for the kids sake I will enjoy it. Safe in the knowledge that as soon as we get back my future will start. I am going to email the solicitor today to get the ball rolling. To be honest, he can do what he likes now and I will desperately try to let it wash over me as he isn't going to be my future anymore.

Good thank you, I hope mine works out as yours has and sending you strength for getting through those 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 11/08/2015 07:19

Esiotrot- what choice do they have? The holiday will all be paid for.

This is a case for just writing off the cost of the holiday and sparing their friends a potential nightmare time of it.

Weebirdie · 11/08/2015 07:24

Winnie, please think of the impact this could have on your friends who deserve a nice holiday. I know you got through your previous holiday together but its different this year and it may must be that your husband decides to let the cat out of the bag in an awful manner.

And yes, Good did go on holiday with her soon to be Ex but their circumstances on the holiday were very different to yours so I wouldn't be thinking if Good could do it so can I.

Bubblesinthesummer · 11/08/2015 07:31

Winnie, please think of the impact this could have on your friends who deserve a nice holiday. I know you got through your previous holiday together but its different this year

I have to agree. I think you arenl not thinking about your friends and their DCs in this. You say your DCs deserve a nice holiday, well so do your friend's and their DCs.

It isn't just your family holiday, it is another families as well.

No matter how hard you and your stbx try, there is no way you can be sweetness and light together for 2 weeks.

Of course it is your choice, but IMO it is the wrong one.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 11/08/2015 07:32

The problem isn't my husband saying something, it's me but if I can keep a lid on it and in control of my emotions then I'm sure it will be ok.

DH is in total denial, thinks it's all going to be ok, still talks about the future (with others) not me I hasten to add. This will be my final, grit my teeth, grin and bear it moment.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/08/2015 07:32

I hope your friends manage to have a nice holiday. I think it is very unfair on them that you are going in this situation. Your alchoholic husband will spend two weeks goading and controlling you, knowing you won't say anything for fear of rocking the boat/upsetting the holiday. Hoping you will rethink the divorce idea (which I think you might....)

You need to take a proper stand now and stop letting him control you.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 11/08/2015 07:41

Ok, so he isn't an alcoholic he just likes to drink (a lot) when in company. He doesn't drink at all at home. I think it's a confidence thing, he's painfully introverted so he gets to play at being the party animal when he's with friends.

I know it seems like I'm being utterly selfish but I am thinking about everyone else in this, not myself at all. The kids(ours and theirs) will have a ball, I know that, they all get on so well. We booked this ages ago and to say now, 3 days before going, we aren't coming will disappoint a lot of people. Honestly, if I can get through it then shouldn't that be ok?

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 11/08/2015 07:44

Ok- if you're going, time for some damage limitation.
Tell your friends, or at least one of them what's going on.

Original poster
Winniethewylde · 11/08/2015 07:45

Do you think that's the best thing to do?

OP posts:
venetiaswirl · 11/08/2015 07:48

Good luck Winnie - it's your call (not strangers on the internet) and FWIW, I would probably have put my kids first and gone. As long as you can manage your own feelings and as others have worried about, not let this impact on your friends. Depending on where you're going and the age of your kids, it may be possible to spend quite a bit of time doing nice things with the children and the odd quiet moment with a book or just gazing out at a nice view.
Hope you manage to find some time for yourself to do a bit of thinking. And as someone suggested up thread, have you started to prepare for the divorce, getting yourself copies of all financial documents etc hidden away? Somewhere on mumsnet there's a very helpful list of the initial steps?
Use the time to gather your strength....

Crosbybeach · 11/08/2015 07:51

Telling your friends or not...you know them best. But it's highly likely that they will work out something is up, if they are good friends, and ask. So be prepared for answering a breezy, no or telling them what's happening.

It might not improve their holiday knowing from the off....

venetiaswirl · 11/08/2015 07:52

I think you should tell someone - you need to confide and talk this through. It depends on whether the friends you're going on holiday with are close enough for you to confide in. I'm not sure I'd feel the need to tell them while away - if you're putting on a front then why 'break it' in the next two weeks. Do you have family , other close friends to confide in?