we cant try again can we?

[ghostspirit]

i was seeing someone. ended up pregnant.he done runner 3 times within a couple of weeks. after that i told him its not happening anymore. he can see baby and stuff when he is born. he said ok and said he would be supportive during the pregnancy. if i need anything/help let him know. but everytime i asked for help there was an excuse of why he could not. i asked him 4 times and there was an excuse everytime. so i ended up moving dishwashers/washing machines/fridgefreezers. putting up trampoline/moving all the furtiture taking up carpet and laying new putting everything back..plus i was working and also other children to look after. i was in so much pain sometimes it was hell. baby is 4 months old and im still thinking about it and when i do i feel all churned up.

he is now back on the sence and wants us to make a go of things. but i dont think i have time for a relationship. i have other children and no childcare so we cant go out. i feel so drained all the time with the kids and baby i dont ever get a break and to be in a relationship with him feels like more pressure. he said he wants to get to know the kids better and we can go on family days out which sounds nice. but he also does not want to come round my house and be stuck in doors with the kids and us just sitting on the sofa. and he also wants us to be able to go out and have adult time. although i understand that i cant get baby sitters.

i dont want to make the wrong decision. im thinking i cant trust/rely on him and i dont have time.

on the other hand what do i have to loose

im on the fence...

You should be grinning like a loon with your heart and stomach doing flips about him.
Not on the fence.

Even if he turns out to be GREAT with your kids (though let's face it a willing 8yo is easy to get on with) doesn't mean he's for you.

Tbh, my biggest concern is you letting him play happy families with your kids. Do they know you're not back together and he's only in their life as a friend of yours who happens also to be their brother's father? Remember if he turns out to be a wanker (HE NEEDED THE CSA ON HIM TO SUPPORT HIS BABY!!!) it's not just you that loses him.

im on the frence because im scared to show my feelings...and also because i dont want to say yes everything will be fine because i dont know the answer. i hope it will but i cant truely know that.

The kids know im seeing how things go. if we all get along ok then all will be fine. if not then he will just come to see baby.

but my hope is if it does not work out we can be good friends...but thats on my part i cant control what hes does/chooses.

yes the csa thing was not good...none of it was.but he/i cant change the past its been done..he could just pay the money each month not bother with the baby. or just see baby for couple of hours and leave. but hes not doing that. hes doing things with us days out./meals out/treats/and just general getting on with each other and the kids to. why would he bother if he does not want things to last :/

I don't think it's fair to drag the kids into it so much. They had to hear you calling him an arsehole over the pregnancy, now they (potentially) get used as a charade by him and some kind of test by you
I suppose it is all complicated by him being their brother's father.

I would still be keeping him away from your family tbh, until he proves himself. Things like taking his son to give you a break. And this time NOT getting the arse if he can't see you often because you have the kids.

Would he pay for a babysitter so the two of you could go on a date?

that would be ideal cab but i dont have baby sitters plus baby is breast fed and i cant express.

im not using my kids to test him.but my kids are a part of me so i do need to know if he will put some effort in/get on with them

I completely agree with Cabrinha (again!).

Unfortunately i think you are coming across as someone who is just enjoying the drama of this non relationship and talking about the whole situation like it's a thing. When it's not.

It's all very Jeremy Kyle.

ok i give up...

I'm afraid I totally disagree ghost - given this man's track record I don't think you should be involving him with your kids yet.

OK, you can't leave breastfed baby - though if that wasn't an issue I think you could get a babysitter if you wanted too.

But your version of "seeing how things go" appears to be letting into your older children's lives without testing him yourself.

Spend time with him, but do it in the evenings, after their bedtime. If he gets the arse at the inconvenience, use that as your test. Test if he looks bored if you mention them. Test if he's hands on with his own son. Test if he makes much effort with his own older kids - does he have them frequently?

Above all, test if YOU actually like him.

Look, ruling a man out because he isn't good with your family is FINE. But you appear to be judging him on that only.

It comes across like you want him to just fit in - accidental pregnancy with a man you hadn't had the chance to know yet, has fairytale ending where he is a good dad to his son AND a great father figure to your other kids. And who can blame you for that? It's be fab.

But STOP. Pause for breath. Decide whether YOU like him first. Spend time with him without your older kids and be certain you like him before you drag him into their lives too.

If you get back with him not because you love him and he loves you but because he is "good with your kids" it WILL go tips up.

I wish you the best of luck and I'll now out now as I don't think you're finding my comments that helpful.

But please - don't sell yourself short, don't settle for tenth best, and please go zero tolerance given his past behaviour.

I agree with Cab - your kids are not tools to assist in this.

They must come first.

Always

The problem is that you're asking everyone's advice about a situation that everyone is telling you they wouldn't be in themselves. You keep returning with 'proof' that he's different now, but everyone's comments are suggesting it would be too little too late for them. No one has moved their position on this.

You keep asking the same things and saying the same things and getting the same answers and getting a bit frustrated about it. Why?

No one is going to say any different. I'm not really sure what you're hoping for from the thread. You're not being cheered on, you're not finding the support you're receiving helpful and you're not even listening to, considering or reflecting upon what anyone is saying.

I'm also out because I want to shake you and make you realise that this man hasn't proved himself worthy of a second chance and you are using your children as the test. You don't even know if you like him. It's crazy.
You, and particularly your children, deserve better.

i just feel that every time i say something positive that he has done. its like its not heard and the bad things hes done takes over of course i know its a part of it. or i would not have made the thread.

yes i agree it should be me and him add kids later...but i truely can not get baby sitters i really cant. couple times a year if im lucky...and also there are issues with my 5 year old as well so i cant leave her either.

i dont have all the answers...i think i was hoping it could be looked at from all angals...

anyway its just going in cirles so i guess theres no point really

The thing is, at the moment, the bad stuff outweighs the good, because the bad was really bad, and the good is just, well, normal - what should be expected and not really worthy of comment. It's concerning that you don't seem to see that

Go back to your thread title...you can't try again..well you can but you know where that's headed. Put yourself and your kids first and ditch this loser.

Very quickly, the thing is, there aren't really any other angles that count.

What costa said is right.

Put it like this.

When you met him, there was nothing between you. No debt amd no profit. You were at zero.

The 'good' stuff he's doing now is what he'd have to do to maintain homeostasis. If the crap hadn't happened, he'd still be at zero. It's not bad, but it's not really good. It's just the bare minimum one should expect. To maintain homeostasis.

All the crap he did before pushed him into relationship debt. He dumped you: minus 2. He dumped you 3 times in a couple of weeks: minus 6. With the bonus because you were pregnant, that's minus 16 altogether.

Then each time he got cross etc at your kids, he got further into relationship/emotional debt.

You had to go to the csa. He lost another 10 points.

Each time he did something bad, he got further into emotional debt. What's he at now? Shall we say minus 50? Minus 60? More?

Which brings us back to now. At the moment, you're rigjt, he's not making the situation worse. But he's only maintaining relationship/emotional homeostasis.

Which means he's still at minus 50/60/70 whatever.

Even if we were generous and said these could be counted as positives, he's what? At minus 45/minus 55? Because really, he hasn't made things better really, he's just stopped making them worse.

That is why I think it's a bad idea. That's why people are suggesting you give it 6 months, without the children (when they're in bed).
That's why you're not really feeling it.

It's going to take him ages to get back to zero, let alone start banking any of the good stuff for a rainy day.

Does that make sense?

And that's why the good stuff is getting ignored. If you were £30,000 in debt, would you expect raise for paying off a fiver?

*praise

Have a cold read of thisosfolkgirls post. It just shows how bad this is.

Here's my alternative angle:

You are looking at individual incidents as "good" or "bad".
I am looking at individual incidents as indicative of core, fundamental personality - the man you will get.

You:

1. He didn't pay child supper until the CSA made him (1x bad thing)
2. He spoke nicely to my 8yo (1x good thing)

So applying FolkGirl's patented emotional mathematics approach - you think he's wiped the debt! Proved himself.

Me:

1. He had to be forced by CSA to support his own child.

Therefore his fundamental personality is that of a SELFISH BASTARD.

Please go and hold your baby, look into his eyes and say "I'm going to stay with a man who didn't give a shit about you".

That's why nothing you come back with will change my mind.

No matter what else he did that was negative or positive, he is a man that will make you have to go to the CSA. I would never get past that.

It doesn't MATTER how hard it is for you to get a babysitter, whether the 5yo can be left, whether the baby is breastfed, whether the 17yo is too selfish to be trusted with them. He should still only be involved with you right now. Just have him over after bedtime only. To see how it goes, not to offer yourself up on a plate, incidentally.

And on his reformed behaviour - you're setting the bar far far far too low. Any arsehole can make a wardrobe with a willing 8yo. Especially when said arsehole is after sex. He ain't all that.

Another point... you can't undo that you overshared with your kids that he is an ARSEHOLE.

Now you're telling them you're seeing how it goes, and expecting them to play happy families with a man they didn't like, who you told them you hated.

So: way to go, you just taught them a life lesson that it's OK for people to treat them like shit in a relationship.

I also still think you don't actually like him that much. That he's not "the one".

But from what you say of the situation with your kids:

• new breastfed baby
• 5yo that can't be left (except she could when you wanted to date him before and the other kids were pissed off?)
• 17yo that is so difficult she won't look after her own siblings
• 2 more on top of that
• unable to get a babysitter
• a whole family of kids who got upset when you went out and dated before (and that's a whole other issue but it's not relevant again until you can leave the baby)

So - add all that together, and you're in a position where CURRENTLY, you can't date. That's how life is sometimes. You just have to park it until you sort out a babysitter, one who can handle the 5yo's needs too, and stop breastfeeding the baby. It's hard for you, but that's what your life choices currently mean - and it's hardly the end of the world, no dating for another 6 months, or however long it takes until you stop breastfeeding.

What this means is that Mr CBA to support his own son, is YOUR ONLY OPTION. And I think that's the reason you're compromising your feelings.

Which obviously is a bad thing.

Oh and here's a test.

What if I suggested you say:

"Mr X, I'm interested in you. But there has been so much negative stuff and my head is everywhere. I do not want you to be in my older kid's lives until I am sure myself what I want. And I can't date until I sort out a regular babysitter and stop bf. Therefore, I'd like you to wait 4 months. Come and pick up and take out baby for X hours between feeds X times per week. Then let's reassess if we can start dating in January".

Would he agree?
If not, he's not the one, he's really not.

:(

OP I really hope you will consider what Cabrinha and Folkgirl have taken the time and patience to post.