we cant try again can we?

[ghostspirit]

i was seeing someone. ended up pregnant.he done runner 3 times within a couple of weeks. after that i told him its not happening anymore. he can see baby and stuff when he is born. he said ok and said he would be supportive during the pregnancy. if i need anything/help let him know. but everytime i asked for help there was an excuse of why he could not. i asked him 4 times and there was an excuse everytime. so i ended up moving dishwashers/washing machines/fridgefreezers. putting up trampoline/moving all the furtiture taking up carpet and laying new putting everything back..plus i was working and also other children to look after. i was in so much pain sometimes it was hell. baby is 4 months old and im still thinking about it and when i do i feel all churned up.

he is now back on the sence and wants us to make a go of things. but i dont think i have time for a relationship. i have other children and no childcare so we cant go out. i feel so drained all the time with the kids and baby i dont ever get a break and to be in a relationship with him feels like more pressure. he said he wants to get to know the kids better and we can go on family days out which sounds nice. but he also does not want to come round my house and be stuck in doors with the kids and us just sitting on the sofa. and he also wants us to be able to go out and have adult time. although i understand that i cant get baby sitters.

i dont want to make the wrong decision. im thinking i cant trust/rely on him and i dont have time.

on the other hand what do i have to loose

i was not with him that long before i fell pregnant. then i did not see him for all of the pregnancy. its not because hes babys father not 100% but i guess that does play a part. i had the baby because i did not want to have an abortion.

i dont 100% no my feelings. at the moment i don't trust him because of the way he has been. i can't love someone i don't trust. but i can build on that. if he is genuine about the things he has said/done so far. and if i let barriers down i would feel differently but im not ready to to do that yet. wich is why i say see how it gos.

the DIY thing no way would i stay with him for that. gosh if i can do them things whilst heavly pregnant on my own. then i can defo do them now.

But read back your last post.

That is not a starting point for a relationship! It's not a job vacancy that must be filled. It's fine to be single.

You don't trust him because he is untrustworthy. If someone had dumped me for the duration of my pregnancy I wouldn't trust them either and I certainly wouldn't be considering a relationship with them.

You don't owe him a relationship/2nd chance.

Honestly, this is the stuff of an episode of Jeremy Kyle! And is exactly what I meant about having no self respect. Because if you did, you'd be offended that he thought you'd consider a relationship with him. Not actually go ahead with it!

maybe your all right i dont know.but sometimes things go wrong so how do you know when its worth working things out and when no to :/

I think when the kids don't like him, and he doesn't seem to have time for them, would be a good example of when it's not worth the effort. He might be able to step up for a while, but for how long? And in the meantime you and the children are getting used to having him around, only to probably be let down once again - or you're forcing them to spend time with someone they don't like and who doesn't like them - either way, it's not a great prospect.

He's shown you who he is already - dumping you when you were pregnant, not being nice to your older children, he can keep in contact with the baby, but as for anything else, I'd keep him very much at arm's length

You stand to lose everything. That is, your peace of mind, the ability to concentrate on your children (because you HAVE to, there's no one else). He is offering nothing. Again. Let him see his son. Beyond that, "walk away" and do it on your own. You CAN. You've managed through hugely difficult times so far, alone.

x

You know it's worth thinking about trying again when you have a good solid relationship, where there is love, friendship and respect but where external factors have taken a toll and you've just gone off the boil or lost your way temporarily.

Or when someone has a made a mistake, and is genuinely regretful and sorry and goes out of their way to make amends.

Basically, there needs to be a solid foundation.

But your situation isn't either of these and doesn't have a solid foundation.

There's no love, no respect, no trust, not even friendship. You don't have a lengthy history of a positive relationship.

This wasn't a thing that went wrong (because that suggests that at some point it was right) it's a thing that is wrong (because it was never right).

It is what it is. Can you reflect on better times and know that it will be better? No. What you've had with andseenof him so far is the best he had to give.

Your kids have had this mess going on in their lives for over a year now. New man, pregnancy, man off the scene, man on the scene, man off the scene, new sibling, man on the scene.

Put them first.

Don't think about getting back with this man (who they don't get on with) for another good 6 months/year until things have been calm for them.

Hopefully by then you will be sorted and over this.

Quick anecdote:

I met a man earlier this year and we got on brilliantly. He was kind, thoughtful, supportive, gentle, intelligent... he was a male version me.

We got on phenomenally well. I've never had a connection like it with anyone. Completely on each other's wavelength. I am a very cautious person in relationships but he seemed to be someone I could really trust. We were pretty much inseperable. Had to be kicked out of pubs and restaurants because we were the last ones and hadn't realised the time. We talked and talked for hours... he was by no means perfect. But it seemed that he could be perfect for me.

But then, one day he did something I didn't like. I said nothing, but noted it on my mental blackboard. Then he did it again. The third time he did it, I ended it. He wanted to try again and wouldn't do it again. But the trust had gone and without trust, there's nothing.

Because the fact that he was almost perfect for me meant nothing when he showed me one of my deal breakers. I only gave him a mental second chance because I wasn't sure I'd seen exactly what I thought I had.

What are your dealbreakers?

Because I think dumping when pregnant; doesn't have to me for your children; had to be chased through csa for maintenance would all be up there to be honest.

Time not to me

when the kids said they dont like him that was about 6 months ago wich would tide in with me being pregnant. i know i should not of but the kids could have heard me saying his an arsehole. hes been around more rencent and they seem quite happy. only thing they dont like is if i go out without them.

maybe it is something he knows he done wrong and does truely regret. i can easy be his friend. i do feel fond of him.but i cant allow myself to love him. at least not yet..

im going through a madness with my daughter at the moment that makes me question weather i should be having any form of relationship at all. but he says we will cope/manage it together...not even sure what he means by that.... i have seen people breifly not even long enough to call it a relationship. as soon as i feel threatend in anyway shape or form i put an end to it and i dont try at all. but there is something telling me to see what happens in this situation.

as said up thread everyone could be 100% right. but would i regret not trying...i dont know...

I could go along with a man who didn't want a child with you panicking when you got pregnant, ending (I hesitate to call it a relationship because from you say about the speed of the accidental pregnancy it wasn't) the relationship.

But bottom line, after what - a year? - of coming to terms with the fact he has a another child, you had to get the CSA involved.

How can you fancy a man that you had to FORCE to pay towards his child? Just how?

That would flick the switch on any feelings I could ever have had for him.

He didn't have to be there for you. You could even argue that your dishwasher was none of his business as you'd split.

But you had to force him to support his child. That tells you everything you need to know about his character.

very true cabrinha :(

Well, why don't you ask him what he means by it?
Words are easy. "Oh we'll get through it together". Meaningless. Unless you love and trust someone who has been there for you in the past, in which case it's a relief to hear it.

If you're having problems with your daughter, I'd focus on that instead of on this car crash arsehole who doesn't pay for his child.

You're going to see how it goes of course, that's clear.

Presumably that means sleeping with him again before he's even remotely proved he's changed?

Well I can see you are going to go for it anyway.

I think you'd be a fool to do so.

You aren't even sure you want a relationship. This has disaster written all over it.

I just cannot see anything you've written in any of your posts that explains why you even want to try. Other than you might regret it if you don't. But you haven't said why that would be either.

I just don't get it.

i have tried explaing all that he done wrong and that hes trying harder now. i have explained in best/honestly as i can. i dont know if i can explain anymore really.

Yes. You have explained what he's done wrong. And you have said that he's trying harder now. But in my mind, the minimal efforts now haven't even taken him back to zero.

But you haven't said why you want to try with him. What is it about him that is so great you don't feel like you can risk losing it? What are all his good qualities? How do you feel you/your children will benefit from having him in all of your lives? What are all the positive emotions you experience when you're with him? What will his presence add to your and your children's lives?

You're not even coming out with the trite "but I love him" or "I'm scared to be on my own". Which are ridiculous, but at least understandable to a degree.

There is, literally, nothing other than the vague hope/promise he doesn't continue to be the feckless arsehole he's been until very recently. And that is it. Not a single positive.

Not one.

Why not hold back from a relationship (ie no sex) for 6 months and let him prove himself as a man, potential partner and father? If you don't think he'll hang around for that long, that tells you all you need to know.

After behaving so appallingly, he doesn't deserve to jave you habd yourself back to him on a plate.

Ghost - can you try and get away from this for a few hours by yourself. This can sometimes recharge the batteries and help you think more clearly. Good luck

I think that is a very good idea

I understand wanting to give it another chance just in case but you've given him loads and he is not right for you. Put your kids first. You said you would.

he was over yesterday he put up a wardrobe for me. and my 8 year old was helping him and they were getting on really well. he was really happy to be his helper. and when 5 year old talks to him he takes an intrest finds her little helper jobs to do and chats to her and stuff. he gets on with 12 year old as well. we also went out for a meal kids came to and he was really good with the kids then as well. To be honest i dont think i have done anything for him. at least i cant think of anything.

i do have feelings for him over wise i would not have mad the thread. i probably dont show them/express them because thats me putting barriers up.

But there is no rush for me to make any desions.

I've not read all the thread but you are right there is no rush BUT anyone who has left someone 3 times sounds like there is a predictable pattern...

So everything's hunky dory now?

See how long he can keep this façade up for - I'd say at least 6 months with no stropping off, getting fed up with the older children, letting you all down - if he can manage that then CONSIDER a relationship - not before, whatever he says

Well I hope it works ou for you. But I don't think it will.

hes doing ok at the momet....im not actually back with him. thats why i say see how it gos...i have to give him credit for what hes doing right...not just what hes done wrong.

Ghost spirit - just be wary. It might work out ok - but that sounds unlikely.