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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

we cant try again can we?

121 replies

ghostspirit · 09/08/2015 22:27

i was seeing someone. ended up pregnant.he done runner 3 times within a couple of weeks. after that i told him its not happening anymore. he can see baby and stuff when he is born. he said ok and said he would be supportive during the pregnancy. if i need anything/help let him know. but everytime i asked for help there was an excuse of why he could not. i asked him 4 times and there was an excuse everytime. so i ended up moving dishwashers/washing machines/fridgefreezers. putting up trampoline/moving all the furtiture taking up carpet and laying new putting everything back..plus i was working and also other children to look after. i was in so much pain sometimes it was hell. baby is 4 months old and im still thinking about it and when i do i feel all churned up.

he is now back on the sence and wants us to make a go of things. but i dont think i have time for a relationship. i have other children and no childcare so we cant go out. i feel so drained all the time with the kids and baby i dont ever get a break and to be in a relationship with him feels like more pressure. he said he wants to get to know the kids better and we can go on family days out which sounds nice. but he also does not want to come round my house and be stuck in doors with the kids and us just sitting on the sofa. and he also wants us to be able to go out and have adult time. although i understand that i cant get baby sitters.

i dont want to make the wrong decision. im thinking i cant trust/rely on him and i dont have time.

on the other hand what do i have to loose

OP posts:

Original poster

ghostspirit · 19/08/2015 01:28

no he comes to see baby on a wed..beach was mon... it was me,him and my kids and the baby.his kids have come with him on 3 visits. well will be 3 when he comes tomorrow. not altogether though one at a time.

i dont know what i want bit of me wants to give it ago...another part feels angry towards him...like when i had to plumb and unplumb dishwasher twice when i was pregnant... hes now saying i will sort a dishwasher for you. they are piss easy to do. yes when not pregnant makes me want to smack him in the face! i was in so much pain sometimes..he was born 10 days early. i know 10 days is classed as normal. but i do wonder if there was a link between the heavy work i was doing.

would i be a cow to make him listen to how he made me feel. the phisycle side as well...would he even get it. or is it about saying nothing so i dont give him a message that says i need him...baby is 4 months not and im still here moaning about a poxy dishwasher etc.

matintness yes he is...but i had to go via csa to start with..

oh he also went halfs with me so we could take the kids to see disney on ice at xmas

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 19/08/2015 07:15

Would you be being a cow to tell him how he made you feel?

No. Not at all. But even considering getting back into a relationship with him would be pathetic and ridiculous and I haven't read your other thread. I'm basing that one what I've read here.

Get back with him and you will be back here in a matter of weeks/months complaining about him again amd getting the same advice.

I often read threads on here despairing that so many women have such little self respect, and are so desperate to have a bf, that they will even consider going out with complete losers like this and here you are doing it too.

The things you are stating as positives about him fall short of even the bare minimum requirements. Everyone is telling you the same.

If you get together with this useless, feckless, waste of space of an individual, you will deserve, and have brought on, every thing you get.

Do not do it.

Cabrinha · 19/08/2015 07:17

"would I be a cow to make him listen to how he made me feel"

Never ever ever ever get together with someone that you can't talk to.

Why does it make you a cow?

Honestly, he sounds like a tosser. You had to go to the CSA, FFS!

But it sounds like you want to get back with him. In which I would say "you send me flowers and say you love me. I am considering giving this a go. But it will fail while I still feel resentment at your previous behaviour, so I need to talk about that".

If he can't properly listen and apologise, don't get back with him. If he suggests you're a "cow" in any way, drop him.

Also drop him if he's lazy and selfish again.

Also drop him if he decides that as you're together, maintenance is no longer due "oh babe, here's £10, we don't need it formally cos I'll be giving you loads more now" type shit.

You know what I read between the lines of your posting? You just sound tired, and like this is the easy option. You don't sound that taken with him. (and I can see why)

Original poster

ghostspirit · 19/08/2015 11:48

he did say he knows hes been horrible to me and he should have helped me. he said he can help with all the diy stuff he said he knows he was a cunt before but it wont happen again. but i kind of feel that i need to actally tell him how he made me feel...

also its the kids i kind of worry about in general..they are hard work sometimes i want to rip my hair out. and if i can barley handle it how can he...then that could cause bad feeling between us...example my kids have been total arseholes all day. he could think ffs i cant handle this...

i guess i can just plod along see how i feel. dont have to rush to make a decision

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 19/08/2015 11:56

Well I wouldn't even consider it. But then you're not me.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/08/2015 12:52

No, neither would I, you'll just end up back here again in a couple of months when he's let you down again

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2015 16:58

He isn't your rock, or cheerleader, or dependable advisor, he was too busy to do heavy lifting when you were expecting his baby. Now one beach trip, £20 and a promise to put up two wardrobes, wow.

You shouldn't have had to chase him for maintenance at all so it's a bit rich of him complaining about CSA's methods.

He knows that you are a parent and you and your DCs come as a package so tough if he has to make an effort to get along with them.

The school holidays are so long most DCs get bored by week 4, you are normally managing them fine. He is already struggling to look authentically interested in the DCs. He isn't a good long term proposition. Besides which,
to get to know the kids better sounds plausible but if he only wants days out or treats, it's not real life is it? The reality of bringing up DCs is a good bit of drudgery, a lot of responsibility and some laughs mixed in. No matter how challenging your boys are, you don't want him as their role model.

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 11:27

He sounds awful. If he really is this bad move on as quickly as possible.

Original poster

ghostspirit · 20/08/2015 11:34

im just going to see how it gos

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 20/08/2015 17:10

Which means you're back with him.
Your choice of course.
My advice, FWIW, is:

zero tolerance
never be afraid to tell him how he made you feel
first sign of cancelling the maintenance "cos we're a couple again" tell him to FtFO

Summerlovinf · 20/08/2015 17:53

Base your decisions on what you know of his past behaviour not on what he says. You know he lies and makes false promises. He's doing it again. Don't fall for his BS this time.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2015 18:06

oh dear

Original poster

ghostspirit · 20/08/2015 19:46

no not back with him. when i said i will see how it gos. i meant to take my time in deciding what i want. and to see how it gos as in how he is towards kids. if he helps me out and stuff.

i dont think he would try stop maintenance but if he did there 100% no more

OP posts:

Smilingforth · 20/08/2015 23:01

Not good but your choice - I sense a post from you in a months time

Original poster

ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 00:44

you may well be right. but i have nothing to loose by giving it a go...if thats what i decide

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 07:04

Nothing to lose? Give me strength!

Women like you are your own worst enemy. Ridiculous.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/08/2015 08:50

No, nothing to lose at all

Original poster

ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 10:12

well i dont think there is. he is babys father and he has been trying. since he has said he will stop being a prat he has stuck to the things he has said. before it would change within 24 hours. i know its not been long but its still an improvement.

im not very good at relationships its normally me that does the runner or at least does not bother to try. i think he is trying. weather or not its geniuine i dont know. but he has no reason to play games.

i may well be here in a month saying it did not work but then at least i know i tried.

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 10:16

You know, you're probably right. I would say you have your dignity and self respect to lose, bit that clearly isn't the case as you don't have any.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/08/2015 10:19

I think, the fact that you really don't think there is anything to lose is really worrying, sorry

I hope, for you and your children's sake, it works out

Original poster

ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 10:41

if i did not have any self respect i would not be questioning things. i would not be saying i will see how it gos. i would just be accepting everything which i am not....

if he is trying i think it would be wrong of me just to throw it in his face. its just that im seeing how it gos. it does not mean im going to accept a load of shit from him.

i do have doubts as well for my own reasons not just because of how he has been.

OP posts:

Limer · 21/08/2015 10:54

If you do get back with him please sort out contraception.

Original poster

ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 10:58

limer yes yes yes...omg defo

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 11:08

No, if you had some self respect you wouldn't even be considering it after the way he treated you.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 11:11

In your op you said you don't trust him and you're all churned up inside.

Why bother?

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