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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

we cant try again can we?

121 replies

ghostspirit · 09/08/2015 22:27

i was seeing someone. ended up pregnant.he done runner 3 times within a couple of weeks. after that i told him its not happening anymore. he can see baby and stuff when he is born. he said ok and said he would be supportive during the pregnancy. if i need anything/help let him know. but everytime i asked for help there was an excuse of why he could not. i asked him 4 times and there was an excuse everytime. so i ended up moving dishwashers/washing machines/fridgefreezers. putting up trampoline/moving all the furtiture taking up carpet and laying new putting everything back..plus i was working and also other children to look after. i was in so much pain sometimes it was hell. baby is 4 months old and im still thinking about it and when i do i feel all churned up.

he is now back on the sence and wants us to make a go of things. but i dont think i have time for a relationship. i have other children and no childcare so we cant go out. i feel so drained all the time with the kids and baby i dont ever get a break and to be in a relationship with him feels like more pressure. he said he wants to get to know the kids better and we can go on family days out which sounds nice. but he also does not want to come round my house and be stuck in doors with the kids and us just sitting on the sofa. and he also wants us to be able to go out and have adult time. although i understand that i cant get baby sitters.

i dont want to make the wrong decision. im thinking i cant trust/rely on him and i dont have time.

on the other hand what do i have to loose

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 11:13

ok

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 11:15

because that could be fixed...if we work at things and he is trying to make up for it

OP posts:
ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 11:33

Well it's your life. Personally, I think you're being a fool, but sometimes people have to find that out for themselves.

You clearly weren't here for advice. You already knew what you were going to do and came here to have that decision supported. It unanimously wasn't and rather than listen to the advice, it's just strengthened your resolve to try again anyway.

Just make sure that you're not one of those people who is still with thier man, regretting it, but feeling lime they can't end it for the sake of the kids, or because they're scared of being single. Or because they've just become emotionally attached.

You're taking a huge risk. I don't think it's worth it. But there you go.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 11:43

just because i post does not mean i have to go along with the advice given. i can choose. i can take some advice but dont have to take all.

im not scared of being alone. i have been single for 5 years.

there is no way i would stay in a relationship for sake of the kids

OP posts:
ThisIsFolkGirl · 21/08/2015 12:18

That's true of course.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/08/2015 12:22

From your thread title it sounded as if you had doubts but personally was just basing my reply on what you've said. Of course you must do what you feel is right for you - I don't mind being proved wrong just don't let him mess you about.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 20:00

donkey i wont. there is only so much i will take. i hope i can proove you wrong. just because it would be nice if it could work out. if its not working/im not happy...then i wont continue it.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 21/08/2015 20:16

Oh God

OP this will NEVER work out. Come on,give your head a wobble, he can't be that good in bed.

AyeAmarok · 21/08/2015 20:17

Oh God

OP this will NEVER work out. Come on,give your head a wobble, he can't be that good in bed.

Gymbunny1204 · 21/08/2015 20:22

Stop wasting time and just let him back. It's obvious you're going too Sad.

sherazade · 21/08/2015 20:24

Tell him that part of being a family, in fact the MAIN aspect of being a family, involves being stuck at home with young children being bored to death. 'Going out' and 'adult time' when you have young ones are rare, well- deserved luxuries after you have BOTH put in a lot of slog . He doesn't sound stable and does not seem to have a clue what family life is about.

category1 · 21/08/2015 20:35

What you have to lose is time and energy and hope.

I think it's largely because it's a struggle and you're lonely that you're contemplating taking him back. If you had a better offer, would you really give him the time of day? Honestly, I think you'd be better coping alone for a while, and in time , when the dc are bigger and you're in a better position, you'll be glad you did and free to find someone decent. It's a slog now but it won't always be this hard.

If you do take him back, please have excellent contraception.

PoppyBlossom · 21/08/2015 20:44

You might not have anything to lose but what about your kids? Forcing them to create a bond with this man and then in a months time you've decided it won't work out so he's not in the picture anymore. Is that fair to them? Their stability is at stake, their right to a mother who makes rational decision is at stake. You aren't some love struck teenager anymore, you're a mother of teenagers yourself, time to step up to the role.

ilovechristmas123 · 21/08/2015 21:40

in a previous thread you said your kids didnt like him and he didnt like them and you would never put a man before your children

whats changed ??

Smilingforth · 21/08/2015 21:41

The kids are key; they must come first

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 21:46

gym hes not staying here no way....

zade i dont even get him when he was saying about going out/adult time. he dont go out himself anyway :/

poppy i hope he will be in the picture because of his son. but of course i dont know the future. i know it could upset the kids if something gos wrong. but then i guess that can be said for any relationship. i know he has been an arshole in my op. but i have also added that he is now trying.

its not about being a love struck teenager :/ i have been single for 5 years. its not about i must have a boyfriend....

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 21:58

when did i say kids did not like him :/....my kids will come first 100% that was one of the reasons i did not want to try again...because he kept taking me out average of twice a week. but when i said we need to do something to include the kids he said my relationship is with you not with the children. and since he has been about again i have spoken with him about it. and he has been trying...2 weeks ago we all went beach, over weekend we are going to a park and lunch. hes generally more chatty with them....

if kids say they are not happy or he upsets them in anyway shape or form hes gone.

he seems all positive and its going great he seems supportive. although im here saying i will see how it gos it is me whos having doubts.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 21/08/2015 21:58

Ah well, you get the relationship you settle for, as they say.

If this is all you think you're worth then good luck to you.

PoppyBlossom · 21/08/2015 22:00

You haven't been single for five years, you had a relationship of some description with this man a little over a year ago, which resulted in a child. That had an impact on your existing children.

You're right, any relationship can go wrong, but it's usually advised that as a single parent you don't introduce men to your children until you've been committed to each other for a few months and are confident you are giving your children stability.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 22:04

poppy yes your right i just was not including him in the 5 years...

and yes your right. but i did not know how to deal with it because they were getting really jealous of me going out.

OP posts:
ilovechristmas123 · 21/08/2015 22:06

you should look at your previous threads

Add message | Report | Message poster ghostspirit Sat 21-Feb-15 12:35:52
well after loads of mixed messages and game playing and stupidness from the ex. im now defo going to be a single parent and pregnant with my 5th with no input from him at all. so its just me and the kids. i do feel guilty and i have learnt there is still quite a bit of stigma towards single mums. but i know im doing the right thing for the kids. they never liked him anyway and he was not very nice towards them. its always been that he wants me, but not the kids. and he made that known by the way he acted. i do wish it had worked out different. but i do feel much better now i have accepted that it will be just me and the kids and they are happier to and my kids will always come before some bloke and i wont stay in a relationship thats not right just so i can say im not a single parent its not worth it...

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 22:17

christmas gosh i had completely for gotten...:( prooves that a hypocrite i am...i think the reason they did not like him was because he kept taking me out...to be honest i cant remember myself anymore....that was 6 months a go. to be honest i think i have moaned about it alot until more recently. just cant remember what i said/what it was about. but yeah it does say im going back on what i said ect

OP posts:
ilovechristmas123 · 21/08/2015 22:19

actually i shouldnt have posted that after thinking about it

the only thing i have to add is dont put all your eggs in 1 basket where he is concerned

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/08/2015 22:25

why should you not have posted it?

i do let him know i dont need him. which i dont. i have asked him to help out with a few bits. because i think i may as well make use of him. but also when he offers to do stuff i sometimes say no. and i make sure i do general things without him. ie going out and stuff... and defo do not rely on him

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/08/2015 23:58

There is not one bit of what you say about him that sounds like you love him. And after being with him long enough to get accidentally pregnant and go on to have the child, you've had long enough to know if you love him.

You sound like you're only interested in him because he's this baby's father, can do a bit of DIY when he can be bothered, and you're lonely.

Your posts about this situation are so flat. Really, you're going to settle for that?

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