Driving DP away....... and myself crazy

[psychobitch]

My DP has just called me a psycho bitch (hence the name change) and I know that he is right but I just can't help myself.

He has just told me that he has two xmas nights out with work over the next 3 weeks, and I just really hate him going out. I always think that he is going to meet someone thin and pretty and cheat on me or leave me for someone better.

I know that says more about my self esteem than him, and I have been on Prozac for years cause of that, but I just can't seem to stop.

As soon as he tells me he is going out (whether it be in 5 mintues or 5 weeks) I just start to panic. I get all teary and over emotional and know that I make him feel guilty for it when it really isn't his fault.

I never really go out myself as I have no real friends here (been out 4 times without DP since moved here 11 months ago and have a small baby (DP's) and an 8 year old (ex's)) and I know that it isn't his fault I don't go out, but I resent him for having a social life when I don't.

But then even if I do get the chance to go out, I worry about what he will get upto whilst I am out! Feel he wants me out cause he doesn't like spending time with me.

I am pushing him away and driving myself insane and need to stop this but just don't know how. Lost partners before cause of the way i act and really don't want to lose DP!

HELP [SAD] (I know I am opening myself up for a complete slating put please be kind)

Where do you get all these ideas from that your DP will cheat?

You see the reason I ask is because when I had PND, I was convinced that me and the DS's were going to be hit by a car and killed. Horrid I know. I stopped going out.

It was only when my DH pointed out that I was reading those weekly magazines (you know the ones like Chat or similar) that it was all the tragic horror stories in them that was fueling my depression. The more I read, the more ideas I got.. and it was a awful downward spiral.

The other thing I can think of to ask is, what could be done to make you feel more secure and for you to trust him? I take it you have been hurt badly in the past?

HI

Hugs to you. I used to be like this (gosh, after my other post everyone will be calling me pyschobitch2!).

I do have some trust issues but like yourself I knew my behaviour about him going out was so irrational - I was getting so upset about it I would be physically ill. It does help when you go out more yourself, you know that you go out and enjoy yourself and don't go off with a good looking guy.

What made a difference for me was to plan something for me to do whilst DH was out. Even it was a bath and a glass of wine or a movie and box of chocs. I made sure I had something I was going to do rather than sit in bored.

I know its really hard to overcome, but let me reassure you it is so much better on this side where your reaction to DH's night out is "ok, have a lovely time" rather than a fear and rage.

Good luck, sorry I don't have better advice.

i had some episodes of irrational jealousy with an exbf.

we weren't married or had kids but i just believed he was having a better time than me without me!

planning something for me to do whilst he was out really worked. i didn't feel so left out.

it really does feel good to be able to say "go, have fun, see you later"!

maybe you could get some counselling to compliment the prozac to help you deal with this?

hth and good luck.

I really hate the way I look and don't know what he sees in me. It's not that he is perfect and I know they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I really can't see how he could possibly find me attractive.

My dad used to be jealous and untrusting with my mum (still is to a certain degree) and I always hated him for the way he made her feel like a prisoner, but I know I am the same.

Also, sorry to say this, but our sex life is dire!!!! He says that I push him away all the time, and I just think that he doesn't fancy me (I know sounds like a have teenage angst, which I am far too old for). Have to admit I NEVER let him see me naked!

Sometimes I can't even bare him looking at me at all cause it makes me want to cry cause I think I am so ugly (even though he says that I'm not).

A couple of weeks ago he pulled me to him in bed and said 'come here beautiful' obviously thinking I was asleep. I asked him why he had done it the next morning, and asked if he had been dreaming about someone else (I know how ridiculous that sounds), but he said he often says things when I am asleep as it is the only time I don't tell him he is lying or taking the piss.

I have had counselling before which has obviously done no good.

I just can't see why he would want to be with me and am waiting for him to cheat on me or find someone else.

I always seem to end up being dumped for someone 'thin'!!!!! And I know I should lose weight but I am so pissed off at the moment I have no will power at all.

Bottle of wine most nights doesn't help (although didn't have one last night and still went off on one with him and was crying so it's not the alcohol making me that way).

Don't want to lose him!

Psychobitch, this may or may not reassure you, but I am aa size 18 and have never been dumped for someone thin. I have been dumped for other reasons, but my weight has actually never been an issue.

Try to arrange for someone to come round and be with you while he goes out - failing that exhaust yourself the night before so you want to go to bed at the same time as your children.

You don't cheat on him, do you? Well, he is no more likely to cheat on you - but he will get very fed up of clinginess, so try to hide it.

You really have some issues with self esteem.. you're fella sounds very loving (& understanding) from what you have just said about him.

You said you have had councelling, have you been together at all? he sounds like he'd be prepared to give it a go..

Also where abouts are you? do you have any friends that cuold get you out the house once a week or so?

I moved down south last November, which is 230 miles away from all my friends and family. I have a couple of people I talk to here, my DP's friends girlfriends. And I have met another friend but not really at the 'going out' phase. She is heavily pregnant so have been to see her and her DD a couple of times with my baby DS whilst my DD is at school.

Reading all the threads on here about clingy friends makes me kinda scared to ask anyone if they fancy a night out. I hate the idea that people will feel sorry for me and socialise with me for that reason only (hate ringing people too, have a phobia that they will dread it being me).

Which makes DP mad with me cause he says I can't expect other people to make the effort with me all the time.

He def would not do the counselling together thing. Although he is good for putting up with me, he does see it that the problem is all mine and I just make him suffer for my own insecurities.

I weigh the same now as I did when I first met him, even though my tummy is a bit more saggy and I have more stretch marks after DS.

Just always hated how I look, even before both the kids when I was a size 12 (now a 16). Did get down to a 14 during the summer, but just got bored and put it back on again.

I am rambling on arn't I. Sorry. DP says that no matter how I look, even if I got down to a ridiculous Size 0, I would still never be happy. And I know he is probably right, but still would love to be thin!!!!!!!!!

where abouts are you (roughly)?

what about sending a text to those women you do know, saying "thinking about arranging a girly night out over christmas, does anybody fancy it?" that way it seems pretty casual or invite people to your for drinks if your house is suitable? that way you'd have dp for support and he'd see that you were 'making an effort'

You could approach the councelling along the lines of

"I know you think this is all my problem but I don't enjoy feeling like this and I'd really like to improve my self esteem.. I need your help and support.. would you come to a few councelling sessions with me?"

If money isn't a problem would you consider doing a personal development course? I have done one and it helped me beyond belief (I was skeptical)

I live near Bromley.

We had a party for Halloween which was great, I admit I got a bit jealous cause one of his female friends came who I always feel suspicious of but I managed to not say anything.

Would love to do some sort of a course, but unfortunately money is a BIG issue at the moment. I registered as a childminder a few months ago and having trouble getting any mindee's. Doing a crappy weekend job but the sums still don't add up. Whenever me and DP argue he always bring up that the fact we are skint is my fault. He thought that I would get a full time job once maternity pay finished, but couldn't afford the childcare, and the idea of not seeing DS and DD made me want to cry. Childminding is the ideal solution, so long as I can get some clients!

Worked full time before I moved but was just me and DD then and worked flexi so got to spend lots of time with her.

I will send a text to the friends I have about an xmas night out and see what they say. It's just one of them knows I have no social life at all, but still only been out with her twice (without partners) since I moved down a year ago.

Actually it is a year ago this Sunday since I moved and really want DP to do something to celebrate but I know that he won't!

OK, send the text.. can you afford to take up a hobby maybe go to yoga one evening a week or something? or belly dancing or something? probably cost about £5 a week maybe aerobics at local community centre? could meet some parents of potential mindees also???

Psycho - I can be a bit like this, but have managed over the years to bite my lip for the sake of my marriage. I would highly rate Moodgym - a free onine CBT course it's really helped me and I think it would be of great benifit to you. I find that when dh does go out on his own, which to be fair is only occassional the best thing is to distract yourself.

I am sorry you are feeling so down. You say you had counsellinb before and it doesn't seem to have worked. I think you should maybe try again but with a different therapist. Do you know what kind of counselling you had? Perhaps you should think about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). You know what behaviours you want to change and CBT could give you strategies to make these changes.

Maybe not every week, cause partner works shifts.

I know it is so lame but I hate going anywhere on my own. I am shy and just say nothing to anyone.

Also far too embarassed to be seen at an exercise class. I am just too fat.

What about walking/jogging? you'll be amazed how quickly you'll pick it up,regardless of size, and since it's dark earlier, you don't really have to be seen as such. It does wonders for stress / depression too. Try going couple of times a week, say for 20mins. Tell DP where you're going (for safety)and it's free!

Also, CBT could help, as someone has mentioned.

Thanks everyone.

Was walking to school and back with my DD but got out of the habit after summer holidays. Will have to try again, that is an hour a day, and I guess it prob helped when I lost the weight before. And even if it didn't at least I felt like I was doing something.

Just had a look at the Moodgym web site, looks good (and as it is free affordable) so am going to give it a go.

Thanks everyone. Really have noone to talk to and this helps.

PB, don't be silly.. no need to be embarrassed. I used to be extremely shy and could feel myself blushing even at the thought of talking to people. Try just smiling at people to start with or asking about the class you are about to do.

The first time I went to an aerobics class on my own I went a couple of minutes early there were a group of women waiting to go in all talking and I forced myself to ask them if it was 'x' class and one said yes I then forced myself to ask what it was like, how long they'd been going, how they found it, that I was a bit nervous etc

I found that they were really keen to tell me about it I think they felt like 'the experts' etc and next time I went I felt much more relaxed as I felt I could smile and say hi to them.. made it so much easier

Feeling like I have my own life stops me from obsessing about my OH's.

Oh and at a size 18 you wouldn't look out of place in an aerobics class or @ yoga!

I always recommend yoga to people (personally I think it could help you feel more comfortable within yourself as well)

Thanks, I will have a look and see what I can find locally.
Used to do Yoga at home, have a couple of DVD's, but just don't find the time anymore!!!!

DP has just text me to say that he now realises that I am not and never will be happy and that he feels that I hate him and the life we have.

It isn't true, but how do I make upto him all the times I have been so nasty, and stop myself doing it again.

I constantly accuse him of cheating or wanting someone (anyone) else.

He will have gone into work now so hasn't replied to the text I sent him back. Going to be worried all day till he gets home now.

Can you post ubder your normal name?

Also you need to rocognise that you really might push him away for good if you continue like this (sorry I know it's not what you want to hear but it's true)

I seriously think you need to talk to him first off.

And then you need to help youself with your own feeligns of self worth

Could you or have you

1. ask all the local pre-schools, schools, activity centres, library etc if you could put a little add up for your CM services

2. speak to your GP about this and ask if there are any services you can be referred to which can help you specifically with your feelings of inadequacy

3. write a list of specific things you would like to change (a list of goals - with timelines) these must be realistic..

I have adverts up EVERWHERE they will let me.

A bit annoyed with my daughters school as everytime I put an advert up there (after asking at reception and them agreeing) it disappears within a couple of days. They have an afterschool club so guessing it is something to do with that. Although don't see why as it is different type of care I offer and meets needs of different parents.

Thanks for all your advice Mascara.

(If I said my usual user name would feel ashamed, not been coming on here long and feel a bit stupid).
I do have my first mindee starting soon which I am very excited about, but still need another one before I can give up weekend job.

Feel I am never seeing DP and it really upsets me, but feel like he couldn't care less (apart from having the fact he has to look after the kids whilst I am not there).

Thing with DP is we have been going through this same thing over and over again since we first got together 4 1/2 years ago. I think he thought it was just cause of the distance between us and would change when I moved down but it hasn't. If I try talking to him he just reminds me that he has heard it all before and I never change.

I was the same with my DD's dad and we split up over it (after 6 1/2 years), and I know I am making all the same mistakes and hate myself for it.

Need a kick up the arse to sort myself out!!!

For weeks now I have been thinking; '8 weeks till xmas, could lose a stone between now and then' then '7 weeks till xmas' now it's what 4 weeks????and I have no chance of getting back to a size 14 which is what I was last time I went back to Hull to see family in the summer. So annoyed with myself for putting it back on.

Even size 16's are getting tight now.

They are all gonna notice the weight I have put on and am dreading it!!!!

Hi, I have the same jealous, insecure feelings as you whenever my DP even mentions going out, I dread his friends ringing up in case they invite him out cos I too think that he will find someone younger and more attractive.

I agree that this kind of behaviour - moods, nastiness and generally being off-hand whenever the suject comes up will drive them away but sometimes you just can't help it can you ?.....its as tho the feeling just takes over.

You're not on your own tho and don't knock yourself or pull yourself down, I don't think it has anything really to do with size, I'm a size 12 and still am a psychobitch, although maybe if you did try to loose a bit of weight you would feel better in yourself. Its more a matter of confidence - try and be a bit more confident.

Your DP sounds as tho he really loves you and thinks you are attractive so believe him when he says you're beautiful and next time he does say something nice say "thanks you" Thats what I've started to do and the more you do it the more you start to believe it and the confidence builds up. AND the more he will say it and not just when you're asleep !!

Talk to your DP, preferably not after having a bottle of wine - I know its easier to start talking then cos thats what I do but it also makes you more emotional - I too usually end up crying hysterically after a few glasses. I hope it helps to know you're not going alone and I really hope that you make some friends around there and start to feel better about yourself.

Thanks mitzi. Good to know I am not alone.

Do you ever listen to yourself saying the nasty things and making accusations of cheating or wanting someone else, and the whole time you are thinking 'what am I doing this for' but still just can't stop!

And I know I try and turn the blame on him, make him feel like he is doing something wrong and that is why I act like I do. But he doesn't really.

(Although was really hurt when I first moved down and went on his laptop to find that he had been ordering porn just before I moved, how can he possible find me attractive when that is what does it for him. Know it sounds stupid but can't stop thinking that he would rather have the porn now than me and that is what he is looking for, someone perfect, which is probably why I push him away when it comes to sex).

Various options.

Get some therapy for the jealousy.

Go out as much as him.

Get thin and pretty - pretty is as much a choice as something you're born with.

I shall bare that in mind! He tells me I am pretty but I just don't see it myself!!!!

Def need some help with the dieting though. I have no willpower! And I know that even saying that is being defeatest in itself!

I need a good slap I think!!!!

pb i don't think you need a good slap, i think you need a life. i know exactly how you feel and ruined my marriage doing the exact same thing. i ended up starving myself down to a size 8(normally a 14, all this because he once told me that i wasn't his 'usual type') and gave myself IBS from all the stress. what i found when i was on my own again was that i had to DO something. not just talk about it, do it. find an interest and force yourself to follow it through. i was always joining classes then i'd get so worked up about having to face people that i'd make excuses and not go.

are you the kind of person who's only outside interests are whatever your partners are? it happens so often i don't know why women do it, it's much rarer for men, but you need to fill your life with something (besides your lo's) that makes you happy. then the self-confidence and self-esteem kind of fall into place. i'm size 16 now (ds is 7 mos old) and am totally happy with myself because i paint and take and print my own photos (going to a darkroom is a great escape) and expressing myself (who cares if it's crap, no one has to see it except you) has made all the difference in the world.

every time you say to yourself, i'm fat, it becomes that much harder to love yourself. i think we tell our partners that they can't love us because we want them to reassure us, even if we can't believe them. problem is they'll only do that for so long. i wish you all the best and hope you find your niche in life! x