Driving DP away....... and myself crazy

[psychobitch]

My DP has just called me a psycho bitch (hence the name change) and I know that he is right but I just can't help myself.

He has just told me that he has two xmas nights out with work over the next 3 weeks, and I just really hate him going out. I always think that he is going to meet someone thin and pretty and cheat on me or leave me for someone better.

I know that says more about my self esteem than him, and I have been on Prozac for years cause of that, but I just can't seem to stop.

As soon as he tells me he is going out (whether it be in 5 mintues or 5 weeks) I just start to panic. I get all teary and over emotional and know that I make him feel guilty for it when it really isn't his fault.

I never really go out myself as I have no real friends here (been out 4 times without DP since moved here 11 months ago and have a small baby (DP's) and an 8 year old (ex's)) and I know that it isn't his fault I don't go out, but I resent him for having a social life when I don't.

But then even if I do get the chance to go out, I worry about what he will get upto whilst I am out! Feel he wants me out cause he doesn't like spending time with me.

I am pushing him away and driving myself insane and need to stop this but just don't know how. Lost partners before cause of the way i act and really don't want to lose DP!

HELP [SAD] (I know I am opening myself up for a complete slating put please be kind)

I am sure he will meet you and it was be a perfect ending to a perfect evening! Glad you seem to have sorted things out!

Me and DP didn't really talk last night, just kind of avoided the issue and kept out of each others way.

Told him I was sorry for what I said but that I didn't think that the arguement could be totally blamed on me, and he said he never said it was all my fault

Never actually apologised for what he had said though. Told him that what I said was out of anger and he obviously meant what he said cause it was personal. He never really made any comment on that.

Have to say though that I don't think he realises that even if I did get a full time job the money situation would be no better. Would in fact be worse. And just cause I don't work 40 hours a week in an office doesn't meam I don't work hard. I am sure any mum would agree that looking after a 9 month old (DS) and an 11 month old (mindee) all day is hard work. Also there is no way I would still have his dinner ready every night when he gets in, do his washing, ironing and everything else in the house too!!!! (Apologies for that rant)

He got up early this morning and came and sat in the sitting room and me and Luke, which surprised me cause didn't need to be up till later for work.

And he did give me a quick kiss before he left. Pointed out that it was the first contact we had had in days and he just said 'I know'.

Just got to wait and see what the atmosphere is like when he gets home.

I am sure that your DP will behave impeccably and meet you later as planned! Have a great night!

Chat soon
XXX

Hi there, things do seem a bit better for you, the kiss was a small but positive step forward i think. I do feel that alot of men find it hard to say sorry, my DP certainly struggles sometimes and I find that its a little physical thing like a kiss or a touch thats his way of apologising.

Try not to dwell on things and the atmosphere will probably be better tonight.

I have to agree with you, men don't seem to see all the hard work that goes into looking after kids and the home. I was eventually forced back to work by my ExH when my DD was 2.... Only worked part-time then but it was a hell of a lot easier that being at home with a baby ! But after I had paid for childcare i was only left with £40 per week. I now still only work school hours, got my DD who is 10 and my DPs DS who is 7, piles of ironing to do (some still from summer holiday !!) and never seem to have a minute. Got to admit that my DP comes home from work most nights and does tea....bless him.

Anyway, he better behave impeccably or he will find a body part missing when he wakes up ! I am going to try and enjoy the meal and hope that he will meet me later - he has promised and I have to trust him now.

Really hope you have a good weekend and you can sort things out, you both love one another and can build a stronger relationship from all this.

Keep in touch - take care XX

Hey Mitzi, how's things?

How was your night out? Did DP meet you later on?

Have you managed to sort things out by talking or have they naturally sorted themselves out?

Did he confirm that his behaviour was indeed impeccable? Or is he now in casualty waiting for micro surgery

Me and DP and ok, just not quite back to normal iykwim? DP still insists that what I do is not work, he even calls my weekend job a hobby (not a hobby cause 1)I hate it, and 2)I clear tables, serve drinks, prepare food and empty bins, NOT FUN and bloody hard work). And just had to cook tea when I got in from work when he has been at home all day (so pleased you call it tea cause constantly get told it's 'dinner' when I say that there).

Actually bought a new silky nightie yesterday (compliments of my Visa card) and wore it without the big horrid dressing gown I usually use to hide myself, and what did DP do???????? Fall alseep on the sofa! Actually mentioned earlier that he may have been faking sleep to get out of sex but he acted innocent!

Did cuddle me in bed this morning though XX

Anyway looking forward to chatting soon, hope you are having a fantasic weekend
XX

Hi PB....how are you ? How was your weekend ?

Yes, I went for the meal and did quite enjoy myself (ate and drank way too much tho ! } and....yes, DP did meet me in the pub later althought he was incredibly drunk but I was pleased that even tho he was in that state he had remembered to meet me! So, all body parts are still intact

BUT We did have a massive fall out when we got back, about, yes you've guessed it - the chuffing computer ! He actually got a hammer out and was going to smash it up , so we physically fought over the bloody laptop cos I thought it was a complete waste of money to destroy it and in the end doing that would just have made our relationship more strained. I ended up spending most of the night in my DDs bed (she was away on school camp for the weekend) I got up at 4am and went downstairs and set the computer back up again in the front room. When he woke up we had a talk....I asked him if a) did he still love me and b} did he still want us to stay together ? his answer to both was yes so I said we have got to talk about it properly before it split us up - so thats what did ! Since then everything seems to be back to normal.

Went out together saturday night and had a really good time, put christmas decs up together yesterday and.....went on the computer TOGETHER last night (no porn tho....) then, went to bed for a bit of rumpy pumpy !

Soooo....things seem ok at the mo.

Whats happening with you two ? Have you tried the nightie again ?

Chat soon. xx

Hello PB.....How are you ? Is everything OK ? XX

Hi Mitzi

That is weird, typed an entry on here last night but it isn't here now?

Am really glad that you and DP are back to normal (and glad that you went out and enjoyed yourself, yeay to him for meeting you).

Drunken arguments are awful arn't they, but at least this one led to things being sorted for you two in the end.

Got the chance of a couple of nights out in the week before xmas and would really like to go in one way cause need some fun! But have no money and would have to either ask DP for some (given recent arguments about work not bloody likely) or borrow off my visa (I already owe SO much). SO looks like I won't be going!

Me and DP seem to be ok. Tried the nightie again Saturday night, and am pleased to say that it led to 'rumpy pumpy' (good job cause would probably be suicidal by now otherwise).

Left DP cleaning on Sunday morning when I went to work, and I know that he was cleaning cause he thinks I don't do it well enough, but I just played with DS till it was time to leave and left him to it! Managed not to get into a row about it (know he was in a mood cause he felt he HAD to clean up).

He had been to MIL's for Sunday Lunch and had brought me some back which was nice, but kind of annoys me cause he makes comments about him finding the time to clean up whilst he had the kids, but he hadn't done anything else!

DS has been up since 4:30am, and DD has been off school throwing up. Minded child been here too (had been dropped off before DD started being ill although she has now had a miraculous recovery) so been a bit of a nightmare day.

Had a doctor's appointment this morning cause am having an outbreak of psoriasis. Usually only get it on my scalp but have started get patches on arms and legs. Doctor asked about work (had minded child and DS with me) and lifestyle, and when I explained how hectic everything she is she said that stress is the reason for the outbreak (which I kind of knew anyway).

She is worried that working so hard and being so run down will make depression come back (cause although I have been paranoid and jealous not been really depressed as such) and that the outbreak is my body's way of warning me to slow down. Apparently I need rest and to make sure I have time for me!

OH IF ONLY!

I know if I repeat what she said to DP he will say that I don't do anything now anyway. He always 'jokes' that I sit on my arse all day watching TV (he clearly finds time to do that when he has the kids but I don't!!!!).

Apparently I need to sleep when the kids sleep during the day and relax once they are in bed. She must have a super husband cause I know she has a 3 year old so surely she knows those things just arn't possible. Also said I can't carry on working 7 days a week, but needs must and all that.

Desperately need another child to mind so can afford to quit weekend job. Think will be a lot happier then cause would be doing what I enjoy (and think I am good at) and have my weekends to myself.

Would have no money worries as such, get time to myself (as much as you ever do when you have kids anwyay) and actually getting to see DP may help stop the arguments too.

Fingers crossed someone wants to entrust their precious little angel with me soon!!!!

Hope you and DP are still good XX

Chat soon
XXXXX

Hi PB.....so pleased to hear from you - I was getting a little worried.

Glad that things seem to be getting better with you & your DP (pleased the nightie worked too )

Men seem to have a knack of opening their mouths and utter crap coming out - my DP said last night that he was going to buy me Kim & Aggies How Clean Is Your House book for christmas cos I don't clean ! OMG....could have smacked him ! The house is always tidy and clean - don't do it every day cos with 2 kids running round it just ain't worth it, told him he never notices when I hoover anyway cos cream carpet and shitty shoes don't mix and 10 minutes after doing it its dirty again.

We are ok tho....still seem to be getting on well and planing for christmas and the wedding. He doesn't go on the computer without me being there (however is is off work on friday so we'll see what happens then - but he better be out getting me a very expensive xmas pressie )

Really hope you can get another child to mind so that you can have your weekends free, think you need them for your health and your relationship.

Take care - speak soon xx

Hi Mitzi!

Really pleased everything is back on track for you! You are right about men and the things they say!!!! I always get comments from DP when in front of other people about him buying me cook books cause my cooking is so bad, yet he always says when it is just us that he is only joking and he likes my cooking (actually prefers my curries to those from the curry house). Could kill him though cause other people must think I am a terrible cook!

Not had any 'action' since saturday night which is getting me down. But I know I'm stupid cause we go to bed on a night and I think 'please don't try it on' cause I feel so fat and horrible, but then get pissed off cause he hasn't tried it on. When I guess really he is just picking up on my signals anyway!

He has gone out with his DS's brother to the football tonight (complicated and very annoying story to that relationship) and before he went asked him if he had gone off me. Said he hadn't so asked him if he thinks that maybe we just arn't sexually compatible! He said 'remember that it was you that said that'. Does that mean he agrees???? Or am I just being stupid?

Only reason we arn't compatible is cause I am fat and he can't possibly want me! God I am like a broken record arn't I!!!?! (Although I do have an issue with our sex life which makes me think he would prefer DIY to being with me, details of which are far to embarrasing to divulge on here ).

Doctor told me yesterday that my insatiable appetite is prob down to the Prozac, but doesn't want to take me off it yet as I am so busy and stressed. Sounds like I am making up excuses to eat though doesn't it??? Prob just coincidence that I stopped being able to stick to my diet when I started on the Prozac. I swear I have tried to stick to it since though and am just finding it sooooo hard!

Anyway enough bitching for now!

Hope he gets you a very tastefully expensive present which you really want (given him any hints???). My dishwasher comes Friday. Can't wait! I feel middle aged but i don't care, will make my life easier and I am ALL for that!

By the way, when are you getting married (just being nosy!)

Take care - chat soon XXXXX

Hi PB....we get married on May 6th next year & I really can't wait.

I havn't given him any hints for a pressie cos i don't even know what i want myself, I would like a ring cos although we are getting married we haven't actually got officially engaged so I would like an engagement ring but I don't like to ask as I think its something that he should just go and get me an surprise me with it !!

I don't blame you for getting excited that your dishwasher is coming - I would be the same, we women are soooo practical.

I don't think you are being stupid about the not being compatible conversation but I do think you have taken it the wrong way.....when he said to remember that you said it he was probably thought he was preventing you using it against him in a future argument. You know how men think.....they don't !! And anyway, I'm sure you are compatible and that he still fancies you, men just don't show it the same as women do, I like it when he gives me a cuddle but his idea of showing affection is to grab my tits ! When you go to bed and feel like some action why don't to initiate it and come on to him ?

I've got to go a major diet after christmas....piled the weight on since moving in with DP - his cooking is far better than mine and the wine doesn't help. Unfortunately, i love food too much ! Got to loose weight so I can get in my wedding dress....

When are you thinking of tying the knot ??

Speak soon XX

Hello again!

I am def dieting after xmas. We will have to give each other encouragement to see if it helps, cause I def need all the help I can get!

Know what you mean about the engagement ring! It should be something that he surprises you with, not something you have to mention to him. But as we both know, men and women just do not think along the same lines at all!!!!! I sometimes wonder if we speak different languages!

We really can't afford to get married. I am happy to do the registry office with just us and the kids, but he says his mum would never forgive him (so what?) and he wants the big party. Been engaged over a year and I hate the idea we will just be engaged forever (but if I ask when it is going to happen his answer is 'when you get a job so we can afford it').

Have compromised and he will get married at reg office so long as we have a nice do afterwards. But having looked around still talking several grand which I don't think we will ever be able to afford. Can't believe I am 30 and not married yet, and it is the 3rd time I have been engaged.

If we arn't married in the next couple of years or so I am not doing it.

I can't initiate sex, cause although I want it, and complain that I don't get it enough, kind of relieved when he doesn't want it in one way, cause hate the way I look and how fat I am so much can't bare him touching me!

I know that he used to watch porn all the time and obviously had a sexual appetite then, so feel as though it is just me that doesn't do it for him. Think he would prefer to be watching porn than being with me and during sex that is what goes through my mind. Constantly wonder who he is really thinking about!

And to be honest, our sex life is pretty dire anyway! It is always the same and more perfunctory than anything else. Feel he does it when he needs a release, not cause he wants me, which he obviously denies!

Sorry I am babbling on about stuff you probably really don't want to hear!!!

Anyway, I am please you and DP are still getting on great (you've not said anything to the contrary so guessing all is well).

Chat soon XXXXX

Oh by the way, and rather pleased with myself cause tonight is the second time this week that I have had NO alcohol at all! Sounds really sad that I am pleased about that I know but it really is quite an achievement for me!

Hi there PB....Don't worry I'm happy for you to babble on to me and its good to hear that I'm not alone in my thinking !

I do wish you would stop being so negative about yourself tho, your DP is with you and makes love to you cos he wants to - if it was just a release he was after he would have a bit of DIY !! You probably feel frustrated cos you don't have enough sex and your DP picks up on your body language and doesn't try it on cos he thinks you don't want it....bit of a vicious circle.

Got to say I was abit like you with my ex...dreaded him trying it on not cos of how I felt about myself but cos i just didn't want to have sex with him ! Its way different now tho - can't get enough even though I do feel shit about my body not being as firm as I wished is was.

My DP is behaving extremely well at the moment, only goes on laptop when I'm there, he was on last night looking at his emails etc and I said that I was going to have a bath and went and left him to it thinking he might sieze the opportunity to have a quick peek at porn....but hey, NO - he switched it off within a couple of minutes. Bless him ! I haven't said that he's not to go on or look at anything but he just says that if I think he is looking at and/or doing stuff he shouldn't and it upsets me he isn't going to give me any reason to think that way and jeopardise our relationship. Much as I appreciate this I hate to think that he feels I am controlling him. IYKWIM

Yep, we will definately have to support each other dieting....start after christmas yeah ?? Have a weigh in every week....

Well done for cutting back on the alcohol - unfortunately i haven't been so strong, had a couple of glasses each night, not got bladdered tho and, more importantly, NOT ARGUED which I see as being a good sign that things are OK with us.

I would have been happy to get married at the registry ofice but as its DPs first time he wants the works...not gettings married at church tho having a civil service at a hotel.

Got anything planned for the weekend ? Don't know what we are doing - got no kids tonight or tomorrow so going to make the most of it...wheyhey !!

If we don't chat before - have a fab weekend.

Take care - speak soon

XX

Hello! It's agreed then! We'll support each other through our diets! Not so sure on telling you what I weigh though!

I am always saying bad things about myself. Annoys DP and I always say I don't understand cause I don't say anything that isn't true! He says that if anyone was insulting my DS or DD I would not be happy cause I love them, and that is why he hates me calling myself. To him it is still insults about someone he loves, even though I am saying the things myself. Also says that if he agreed with any of the things I say he wouldn't be with me .

It's a defence mechanism, I say bad things about myself before anyone else gets the chance to say them.

Do admit that I have been making little jokes at the expense of our sex life recently, and he makes them back saying that I am not interested.

We did have sex last night and he did make a real effort to break from the normal 'routine' though. Was quite impressed. So maybe my little comments didn't go unnoticed (either that or he has been reading my posts on here ).

Not so sure I will manage to cut back on the alcohol tonight, it's Friday and I usually get a bottle on way to pick DP's DS up (who from now on I shall refer to as SS), and am at a party tomorrow night (DP's driving so I may make a tipsy attempt at seduction when we get in). Only downer to the weekend is work! Really can't wait to quit! Am counting the days!

Glad your DP is behaving, it's nice that he doing things to put your mind to rest instead of not caring what you worry about!

Well I hope you thoroughly enjoy your nights to yourselves, don't do anything I wouldn't do (despite my hold up's I am actually quite adventurous really, so long as he doesn't see me naked).

Have fun
XX
Chat soon

Hi, do you realise that you have just admitted that your DP does love you and doesn't think bad things about you !! Stop making daft remarks about youself and get a bit more confidence !

I've just stuffed my face full of chocolates that a client brought into the office and now I feel shitty and fat !

I'm sure we will enjoy our nights of freedom.... I've discovered a previously hidden sexually adventurous side of me in this relationship - thats probably why I can't get enough of it at the moment ! Just hope it lasts They say life begins at 40 and they're not wrong....

Hey, and think of it this way - sex burns calories !! Get seducing tonight and think that its buring off the alcohol that you've drunk......soooo, its helping you lose weight !

Have a good weekend

XX

I LOVE HOW YOU THINK xx

Good morning.....Did you have a good weekend ? Burn any calories..... he he !

Not had a bad one....not been very well, got a cough and pleurisy, but made the best of it. DP went xmas shopping as promised on friday and bought my pressie...keeps saying I've got one to wear and one to use and that he would like to see me using it while wearing the other I said I better not open it in front of the children !! Think he's winding me up tho, however, he has said its not what i asked for so I know its not an engagement ring

We seem to be getting on really well at the moment, but I am sort of dreading this friday as its 'break up day' here and its traditional to go out and get bladdered...I'm just hoping that we are going out together - I've heard him on the phone to one of his 'dickhead' mates (younger, stupid, goes out gets wasted, gets off with other women, takes drugs - know the kind i mean ?) talking about friday night, so trying really hard not to get worked up and daren't ask him cos I don't want to get the wrong reply !

Anyway, how are thing with you and your DP ? Are you ready for christmas yet ?

Chat soon XX

Hello!

Glad all is well with you and DP. Know what you mean about upcoming Friday night. If I know that DP may be going out without me, I daren't mention it incase he confirms it. Then if I do mention it and he says 'I don't know yet' I am really impatient and want him to tell me what he is doing cause although I will agonise over it if he is going out, I would rather know in advance to prepare myself than be told last minute. I sound so pathetic don't I!

Weekend was non eventful as usual, never ended up going to party Sat night as DP wasn't feeling well. Claims he was feeling sick and had a headache (been moaning about it for days really). I know I am prob being paranoid but thought that maybe he just didn't want to be out with me, and also could be just using it as an excuse not to have sex with me. Still claims to be ill and is lying on the sofa at the mo feeling sorry for himself.

Am a little (lot) annoyed cause I know that if his friends call this week he will go out with them, but my rare chance for a night out didn't happen cause he was ill. Selfish cow arn't I (he would def say so if he knew what I was writing)!

Anyway, at least we arn't arguing!

Had a complete 'psychobitch' moment earlier today. Phone rang and as I answered they hung up, so did 1471 and a 0191 number came up. Asked him if he knew who it was and he said no, so asked him to call the number from his mobile to see what it came up with. He was REALLY annoyed with me by this point, and told me I was being a psycho bitch and got his mobile BUT DIDN'T ACTUALLY INPUT THE NUMBER.

Called it from landline and he says it said some company name when answered.

I know I should believe him but I don't really.

He had a female work friend who moved away a couple of years ago and they used to text and I know he still talks to her ocassionally. I am absolutely convinced that he fancied (fancies?) her, and she knew it and used him for an ego boost when needed. She is married with a kid and I think that if she hadn't been he would have tried his luck.

Claims he hasn't spoken to her for ages (says about once a month they talk) but I don't believe him. We have argued about this so many times and don't want to bring it up again but when he has a go at me for not trusting him I can't argue back cause he is right! I don't!

Must go get a shower now and get ready for bed! Am permanently shattered!

XXX

Hope your feeling better now, hope your xmas pressie is fantastic, looking forward to a chat soon.

Hi !

Every time we 'chat' its like reading my own thoughts ! I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know in advance when DP goes so that you can prepare yourself but at the same time not wanting to know. So, no, you are not being pathetic.....

I would have reacted the same about the phone call - totally irrational behaviour really but I would have have been suspicious to, however, you have got to believe what he said. My DP has an Ex-girlfriend who he is still in touch with by email (she french and gorgeous) she lives in Spain now, is married and has just had a baby BUT I still feel threatened.

I had a 'pyschobitch' moment last night too. It was a year ago yesterday (to the day not the date) that we first made love (I'm very sad like that - remember every silly date ) anyway, I obviously wanted to mark the occasion in the obvious way we had a chat & a cuddle on the sofa, a few glasses of wine (things were looking good !) went to bad and the git fell asleep on me !!!! Wellll, I went off on one and was my usual mental self, kept crying and saying that this occasion would never happen again as it will never be a 1 year 'anniversary' again and stupid stuff like that (alcohol played a big part in my emotions I guess) He did roll over and cuddle me but carried on and went to sleep He gave me a kiss & cuddle when he went to work this moring. Looking at it now and being sober - its really a year today to the date so maybe we can celebrate tonight.....

I really do think I am going insane sometimes....

XXX

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get lucky tonight! We really do think alike in lots of ways. Scary isn't it, and yet reassuring to know that we arn't alone!

DP is still claiming to be ill so I have no chance of any 'fun' at the moment! Just bought a red satin nightie in Next though so going to wear it tonight to see if I get the desired reation. (If I can build up the corrage cause if I don't get desired reaction I may just top myself!!!??!?!?!?!?!?).

Feeling very shitty at the moment. Was in Waterstones looking at books and there was one on the history of Erotic Cinema and I made the mistake of looking at it. Not cause it interests me but to try and see why it interests him, iykwim?

I am so stupid! Like I didn't already know it is cause of the gorgeous women and their perfect bodies. Feel a little like crying now and DP knows something is wrong but obviously haven't said what.

I am feeling very unwanted, unloved and unattractive at the moment!

In depserate need of some attention from him, but feel like I am banging my head against a wall if I mention it! He claims that he does give me attention? I would be amused to here his version of when this happens!

God I am ranting again arn't I!!!! Feels so good being able to say what I think without being judged! Although fear you may be starting to believe that I really do deserve my psychobitch name!

My excuse today is that I have been up with a very upset feeling sorry for himself DS since 4:15am, who let me get very little sleep before that time either.

Chat soon! Hope tonight goes well. Show him what your made of hon XX

Yep, got lucky last night but we were both knackered so it was good but it wasn't earth moving

Anyway, hope you don't feel too bad about yourself today, I know how you feel tho cos my DP bought the SUN home last night and i always have a quick look thro it - kind of wished I hadn't ! Centre pages with 6 stunning, young girls there half my chuffing age. So, today I feel like an old, fat, minger

Hope your DS is feeling a bit better today and you managed to get some rest.

Well, I break up from work today...hooray !! but if you feel stressed/depressed or just fancy a chat you can contact me thro MN at my home email. I will try and come on here but don't want DP to see what horrid things I've said about him

Have a fantastic christmas and a great new year and santa brings you something fabulous !

Take care and speak soon.

XX

Ok this is my third attempt at posting a message so I will keep it short incase it crashes again!

Have sent you an email which I hope you receive before you leave work cause guessing it is your work email address?

Have a fantastic festive season, hope you get great presents and lots of 'rumpy pumpy' to keep your spirits up!

Take Care
Chat soon
XX