Driving DP away....... and myself crazy

[psychobitch]

My DP has just called me a psycho bitch (hence the name change) and I know that he is right but I just can't help myself.

He has just told me that he has two xmas nights out with work over the next 3 weeks, and I just really hate him going out. I always think that he is going to meet someone thin and pretty and cheat on me or leave me for someone better.

I know that says more about my self esteem than him, and I have been on Prozac for years cause of that, but I just can't seem to stop.

As soon as he tells me he is going out (whether it be in 5 mintues or 5 weeks) I just start to panic. I get all teary and over emotional and know that I make him feel guilty for it when it really isn't his fault.

I never really go out myself as I have no real friends here (been out 4 times without DP since moved here 11 months ago and have a small baby (DP's) and an 8 year old (ex's)) and I know that it isn't his fault I don't go out, but I resent him for having a social life when I don't.

But then even if I do get the chance to go out, I worry about what he will get upto whilst I am out! Feel he wants me out cause he doesn't like spending time with me.

I am pushing him away and driving myself insane and need to stop this but just don't know how. Lost partners before cause of the way i act and really don't want to lose DP!

HELP [SAD] (I know I am opening myself up for a complete slating put please be kind)

I don't know how to get out and meet new friends though, im pretty stuck on that front myself. Thank goodness for mumsnet !

PB, I have to tell you that losing weight won't help your relationship any. The self esteem issue is the real problem.

A few years ago, I was overweight, went up to 14st when I was pregnant and stayed that way for a few years afterwards, but I was happy. I had curves, felt womanly and I know I was admired by men. It was a cutting comment by my best friend that suddenly made me feel ugly.

I started going to the gym, couldn't do the diet thing as I love food too much.
Anyway, the weight started coming off and now I fluctuate between 9st 9lbs and 10st 4, but I've never felt more self conscious about myself. I'm far from happy within my skin and wish I could feel how I did when I was larger.

I'm sure you're lovely the way you are, darling, and it sounds as though your husband loves you dearly. You must explain to him exactly how you're feeling.

She's not happy with her weight though and it is giving her problems with her self esteem.
If she done something about it she might start to feel happier within herself.

Hi there! I know that losing weight wouldn't be the answer to all my problems, but I know that it would help a bit.

I am just so weak willed!

Being at home all day and night is nice cause I get to spend time with the kids, but DP works odd hours so sometimes goes out at 5:20am and isn't in till 8:30 pm.

I just get so bored that I open a bottle of wine (usually purchased on way home from school), then once half way through that I figure no point sticking to diet regards food when had all those calories with the alcohol! So defeatest I know!

We went out last night and MIL babysat, she made a point of telling me that I had put on weight. Does she really think that I hadn't noticed? Felt so bad about myself, but managed the whole night without crying cause I feel fat and repulsive, which is quite an achievement! (Did argue when we got home though cause I tried making myself look sexy and he didn't even seem to notice at first).

MIL can be so horrid to me sometimes, always making out like I am stupid too. When i was heavily pregnant she kept giving me diet tips, and once when we were having a meal with all the family, she said really loudly in front of everyone else that I shouldn't eat so much cause I need to lose weight. Was most upset!

Also when we were out last night it was with two other couples (DP's friends and their partners) and I just kind of felt like a spare part. I am so gooby and loud with friends and family back home, but just can't be like that here. Not close enough to anyone to relax with them properly.

Am so nervous about DP's xmas works do (which sounds like it is going to be an all day thing), and it is getting so close (Wed) and just can't stop thinking about it.

DP's job is with an organisation where he isn't allowed to talk about what he does, do he never comes home from work and says 'well today....'. Consequently, he never mentions any of the people that he works with and I haven't really met many of them, so I always assume they are all thin pretty and he must really want them instead of me (they sound pretty when i call him at work and they answer).

He used to text some girl from work all the time and it used to really upset me, to my knowledge they don't text all the time anymore (not witnessed anything when checking his phone anyway) but am pretty sure they talk ocassionally (not sure how ocassionally though). Hate that he never tells me about anything. Makes me fear that he has something to hide.

I know I am probably just paranoid. But thoughts like that are what is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!

Hello, I am also surprised that there are so many of us out there who feel like this, think we could all have started writing this thread.

PB - hope you are feeling a bit better, got to say it tho.....your MIL sounds a completely insensative witch !

I am the same with the food and wine, got no willpower !

My DP is really trying to make me feel better at the mo....not been on the PC since we fell out - but we called into our local pub last night for a quickie and the blokes had their mobiles out bluetoothing porn ! I was well pissed off, think they are all pervs !

He is off out this Friday for his christmas dinner, admittedly its an afternoon do but i keep thinking that he will have too much to drink and end up staying out instead of coming home to spend time with me.....trying desperately hard not to get wound up about it but I know by Thursday night I will have my evil head on again!

Hi PB, you sound like you've got yourself in a rut.
Are you feeling depressed? Would a trip to the doc's help?
You really need to take some action, whats the alternative other than to stay so unhappy.
Stop the wine, instead of sitting getting pissed every night, do some excercise with a video or dvd, that should give you a bit more confidence in yourself. Go out for walks during the day or do housework with vigour!
Put a smile on even if you don't really feel like it, it works wonders.
You can't carry on the way you are going, its not fair on yourself or your dh.

The only thing that has helped me has been getting a part time job at weekends. When I am busy and having a laugh with other people and getting a break from the kids I am a lot happier and less insecure.I think you need a break because when you are at home a lot the relationship becomes the focus of everything or going shopping for a bit of retail therapy or a new hairdo is good too!

Unfortunately am working at the weekend cause money is so short and I HATE it. I miss DS so much, and although DD is old enough to understand miss her too.

Also NEVER get to spend any real time with DP. We are always so knackered from working all the hours we can that when we are together one of us falls asleep.

By the time I have finished everything it is usually 9pm at the earliest (still have washing up to do before I can go to bed tonight, and have asked DP to wake me when he leaves for work at 5.20 so I can get ironing done as have not had time or energy in the last two weeks). Do go for lots of walks during day though, to and from school and a lunch time walk to get child mindee to sleep (double pram and live in hilly area, bloody hard work).

Am already on anti depressants (THANK THE LORD FOR PROZAC) and know I should stop the bottle of wine each night, but what the hell else would I have to look forward to?????

DP's xmas do is two days away and had a terrible dream last night about him cheating on me. Really terrified. Although am a little relieved cause he is supposed to be going on another work xmas do next Wed, but is taking his DS's brother to football instead (long story about his DS's brother but he call's him dad even though he isn't his).

Suppose if he really was out on the pull or fancied anyone from work he would be going on both nights out and forgetting the football????

you sound like you have plenty of self awareness - either inherently or helped by therapy.

you know what you need to do - stop drinking that wine, do some exercise tapes instead - get out of the house more, find the world outside your head

and with that you'll gain the space and reason to deal with your DP having some space and independence too

I do want to say that I wish you all the luck in the world

PB....how are you ? how are things going ?

Hi PB have just caught up with your thread again. I just wonder what it would it take to get you to believe that the only person who has a problem with your weight and appearance is you.

Your poor dp sounds like he loves you just the way you are. There are many other threads on this site from women whose partners have told them in no uncertain terms that they no longer find them attractive because they are overweight. Your dp hasn't done that. Your dp sounds like a genuinely supportive guy and I think you need to acknowledge that and make him your ally in the fight to get you out of the state you are in.

It sounds so unlikely that he has or ever would cheat on you. But he might decide one day that he's had enough of the unfounded accusations and wants a permanent break. You have said that you know this could happen and yet you don't seem to be doing anything proactive to change your behaviour. You could do something as simple as biting your tongue next time he goes out. How SHOCKED would he be if, as he was getting ready to go out for a night, you said nothing except "have a great time darling". How HAPPY and RELIEVED would he feel. You know, in the last week my ds has been crying every morning as I've left him at school. As I walk out of the classroom I can hear him sobbing and calling for me. It tears me apart and makes my day at work unbearable as I spend most of it fretting about him. I expect your dp experiences something similar when he goes out. I wouldn't be surprised if, whilst he's out, he's spends quite a bit of time feeling rotten and guilty for leaving you. All he wants to do is go out, put his troubles to one side and relax over a drink after a day at work (his work sounds like it might be quite stressful btw). Yet you are denying him that by making it difficult for him to go out. Why should he be denied the right to enjoy a bit of harmless leisure time.

Talking of leisure time - do you have any? It is not good for your self-esteem to spend all day and all night in your house with your kids. You work at weekends so WHEN do you ever do anything on your own, like go swimming or go to an exercise class or an evening class. Anything, it doesn't have to be expensive it just has to be about you.

PB - you can break out of this but you need to help yourself. You need to think now how you can make changes to your life. Personally, I think the best thing you could do is get to the GP and ask for some counselling preferably CBT - more info here \link{http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/therapies/cognitivebehaviouraltherapy.aspx}

Hi mitzi!

I am ok. He left for his xmas party at 10:30 this morning and will admit that wanted to cry but never cause minded child was here (also know it isn't a good look for DS either).

I know that I have been driving him mad with my constant questions ('you will behave won't you?', 'you don't want anyone else do you?', 'do you still fancy me?', 'promise you won't cheat', 'you don't fancy anyone else do you?').

He told me before he left that I have nothing to worry about, he is committed to our relationship and will not and does not want to cheat on me.

Minded child has now left and have managed not to get upset yet. Been keeping busy with DS and have to go collect DD soon so might do some arts and crafts with her to keep us occupied. We can make xmas cards and decorations.

Really hoping that he calls or texts or something later on cause I know that despite best efforts I will be worrying all night. (Have already bought the bottle of wine and frozen pizza I am afraid (pizza to share with DD), no willpower).

Anyway, other than that, we ain't too bad. Actually had sex last night (too much information for you I know but needed mentioning).

How are you?

Hi there PB....glad you are coping ok - you sound like you are doing really well so far.

My DPs xmas do is on Friday, 1.30 til 4pm but says they will probably stay for a few more drinks after, he did want me to meet up with him later but having said that some girlfriends have asked me to go for a chinese with them friday night and I have been thinking that I could end up waiting forever for him to ring or text me to arrange to meet him, then he will have had a few to drink. Soooo, I think I might just take them up on the meal thing and see if he will meet ME later. Dunno, I'll probably change my mind and sit in and wait for him to come home

Anyway, keep on being strong, enjoy your time with your DS, open your wine and share your pizza with DD....and stick a good film on. You never know your DP could come home and see you in a happier frame of mind and you could have a repeat perfomance of last night (nudge, nudge !!)

Take care - chat soon xx

Have let DD's friend come fround for dinner so even more reason not to sit and mope around. (Also another person to share the pizza with so let calories ).

May be sneaky and watch a DVD i have bought DD for xmas when she has gone to bed (My Super Ex-Girlfriend, looks funny).

I am guessing that DP will have had far too much to drink whilst out for any kind of action when he gets in. Be happy with a cuddle though.

I suspect that if I had told you about the scenario for Friday you would be telling me to go out for the meal and enjoy myself so I urge you to do the same.

You take care too - look forward to our chats
XX

Hi, how are you this morning - how were things last night with your DP ??

Yep...I have decided to go for the meal and hope (really really hope) that DP will meet me later.

Things seemed a bit strained last night between us, we went to bed after 1 glass of wine and I said that I know things have changed between us and that I feel like I am loosing him - he didn't say anything to reassure me so I started crying and asked if this is what he still wanted, he said that if it wasn't he wouldn't still be here. I feel so miserable today - I know he loves me but just feel that the way I have behaved recently and the arguments we have had has spoilt things. Wish he would just text me and say that everyting is ok....

Just came on for a quick peek whilst kids are quiet.

Poor you mitzi Hope he texts you too!

Me and DP has a massive row last night and he slept in the spare room, and wasn't even anything to do with him going out!!!!!!

Tell you all about it later when have 5 mins to myself
XX

What are you rowing about? Got it sorted yet? Not quite the kind of texts you wanted!

Well he came in and things were quiet between us (cause I was sulking, who's childish?) and then I said that I had accidently broken the blind in our bedroom and he completely flipped at me!

Said I am clumsy (which I am) and always breaking things (which i don't 'always' do) and put me in a bad mood so I went to bed.

He came up straight after me and started making snide comments like saying 'broken that now?' when I turned the light off and stuff. He wound me up so much that I decided to go downstairs to cool off and let him fall asleep before I went back.

As I reached for my book off the side table I knocked my drink over, so he then went ballistic about that too, we ended up having a blazing row and he stormed out to sleep in his DS's room (he isn't with us full time).

I went in to ask him why he was going so mad when it was only an accident, and he said some really horrible things.

That me and my DD are trashing 'his' house, pointed out that it is supposed to be 'our' house and he said he is the one paying the mortgage and I should get a proper job. Said I am working 46 hours a week (30 hours childminding mon to fri & 16 hours on a weekend in a crappy health spa cafe that I HATE). Apparently that isn't good enough and I should be working full time (can't afford the childcare otherwise I would have been but that is apparently just an excuse cause I don't want to work).

He said he hates the house and is sick of me and DD trashing it. That her bedroom stinks (as does his DD's but don't all childrens?), and I don't clean enough (I never seem to stop but having said that I am not that way inclined anyway, would rather spend time with the kids than stick them in their rooms or baby in his cot whilst I hoover and things which is what he does).

The house may not always be tidy to his standards but it is always clean!

When I was talking I raised my voice a bit (I'm northern and loud, what can I say!!!) and he said 'who do you think your talking to?' so I retaliated with 'who do you think your talking to?' and he said YOU. I pointed out that I was not talking to him any different than he was to me and asked if he considers himself to be better than me and he said he does.

I am just hurting so much at the moment and am dreading him coming home from work (assuming he will, but then as it is his house I am sure he won't want me trashing it anymore).

I pointed out that it was always the arrangement that he pays the mortgage and I pay the other bills, and that he knew that before I moved here, and that I thought living with me was what he wanted. Said doesn't sound like he likes anything about being with me at the moment, and he said I didn't understand, asked if he wanted me to leave and he said 'f' off back to Hull then'.

I ended up telling him that I f'ing hated him and that he was a c**t (which is a word I really hate and only said cause I was SO angry and hurt).

Obviously I don't think that and was just lashing out, but he must have meant what he said cause it was personal not just random insults?

Sorry for ranting but I am so upset and angry and worried about him coming home. Part of me hopes that he goes out straight from work, but then I know I will just be fretting about where he is.

Meant to say, if you want to vent some anger about your argument then feel free! Always willing to listen!

But hopefully you have sorted it by now XX

Hi PB.....sorry to hear things are bad for you. Just when you think things are going well they go t*ts up !!

We are still arguing about the porn on laptop thing again. As i said before, we had a bit of a talk last night and then I text him earlier just to tell him that i was going for the meal tomorrow night and we started rowing about him looking at porn and me checking up on him. Told him how I felt and why I checked his PC and now he is ignoring me.....feel so miserable again

We had a brilliant relationship and now I feel I've ruined it.

Hi, going home in a minute to face the music ! Told him that we have got to have a proper serious talk tonight to get this sorted once and for all ! I love him to bits and I'm not going to let this ruin what we have got.

I really hope your evening is better tonight than last night - try and talk about it. I'm sure everything was said in the heat of the moment and with the influence of drink.

Anyway, catch up tomorrow, take care and be strong. XX

A few technical questions. Are you married? If not and he pays the mortgaeg and you pay the other bills and you aren't on the deeds of the house you risk having no interest in it. I would do something about that if it is so.

The mortgage is in both names so it is 'OUR' house, he just says that it isn't cause he pays the mortgage.

He has come in from work and asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened and he said it was all me, cause I was in a mood cause he was out. Which I KNOW is rubbish.

I was fine when he came in, he had text and told me he loved me and he let me know when he was on his way home and I was admittedly quiet when he came in but fine.

Told him that when I said I hated him last night it was cause I was angry and hurt and that I didn't mean it. Asked him if he meant what he said and he said yes. He wants me to get a 'proper job' cause he is sick of having no money (so am I but once I can get another child to mind money will be fine and I can quit the weekend job).

I told him that if he means everything he said last night then he must really hate living with me, he said I am being over dramatic.

I don't want to argue with him cause I love him and want to be with him, but sometimes feel like a bit of a doormat. Cause I know that this will end up with me asking him if he intends to ignore me forever and he'll say 'say something then'.

Don't know what to do now. I hate there being an atmosphere but don't want to say that it was all my fault when I don't think it was. Also can't just forget all the horrible things he said and he really does want me to get a full time job which I don't think would work given our situation.

Hi Mitzi!

How are things? Did you manage to sort everything out? Hope so XX

Hi PB - how are you ? Hop you managed to have a talk with your DP and sort things out. Don't say sorry to something that wasn't your fault....both of you argued so he should apologise for his part in it. Maybe he does think you should get a full time job (my XH was the same with me) but to be homest it sound like you are doing more than enough. Its horrible not having much money, we are the same at the moment, but its better to be happy than be loaded.

We didnt have our serious talk last night cos things seemed a bit more normal, sat watching TV holding hands,chatting and messing about abit, so I thought why ruin a good night by bringing it up again. Think he had thought about what I had put in the texts and hopefully realised its not worth dragging it on and spoiling things.

He's off on his works xmas dinner now....trying desperately hard not to worry. I'm going out with the girls for a chinese tonight and he has promised to meet me at the pub later.....I so hope he does and doesn't get too bladdered (or anything else !!) that he forgets.