Driving DP away....... and myself crazy

[psychobitch]

My DP has just called me a psycho bitch (hence the name change) and I know that he is right but I just can't help myself.

He has just told me that he has two xmas nights out with work over the next 3 weeks, and I just really hate him going out. I always think that he is going to meet someone thin and pretty and cheat on me or leave me for someone better.

I know that says more about my self esteem than him, and I have been on Prozac for years cause of that, but I just can't seem to stop.

As soon as he tells me he is going out (whether it be in 5 mintues or 5 weeks) I just start to panic. I get all teary and over emotional and know that I make him feel guilty for it when it really isn't his fault.

I never really go out myself as I have no real friends here (been out 4 times without DP since moved here 11 months ago and have a small baby (DP's) and an 8 year old (ex's)) and I know that it isn't his fault I don't go out, but I resent him for having a social life when I don't.

But then even if I do get the chance to go out, I worry about what he will get upto whilst I am out! Feel he wants me out cause he doesn't like spending time with me.

I am pushing him away and driving myself insane and need to stop this but just don't know how. Lost partners before cause of the way i act and really don't want to lose DP!

HELP [SAD] (I know I am opening myself up for a complete slating put please be kind)

It's not long ago I did my ICP course and was actually quite chatty and made a friend on it. But I just always think that people don't like me.

I have a really bad habit of interrupting people when they are talking (I don't mean to but if I don't speak when i think of something I forget what I am going to say). I guess I just feel I am not an interesting person.

How do you go about finding interests of your own? My DP is always telling me to get a hobby but I always think he is trying to get me out of the house cause he doesn't want to be with me (or he wants a wank). Paranoid I know.

I have no real friends here and am very lonely, and I know I rely on my DP for far too much, but having said that was exactly the same before I moved.

Because the only friends I have are partners of his friends, I feel that they are not true friends??? Does that make sense?

Although I hardly see them anyway. Have tried to arrange a night out (as per someone else's good advice) but feel they are just putting me off cause they don't want to go out.

Even talking on here I feel boring and that people don't want to talk to me!!! Read lots of other peoples threads but rarely comment myself.

DP told me I was pathetic last night for crying cause he told me he has two work xmas nights out planned, and I know he is right. I just feel pathetic most of the time.

i have read your posts a bit.
i think your self esteem is low, you need to work on it.
a good job some thing like that may help you i think.
and also do you go out together with yr dp?
wish you good luck

pb - you are not a psycho and you are not a bitch!!!! Have you felt like this in all of your relationships? Also, what did you do before you had children, did you have a job, were you at college? And finally, when did you last look in the mirror and think "Wow I look hot"!

Have you always felt this insecure about yourself? I know we all do from time to time but there are also times when we feel powerful and confident and successful - you know what I mean? When was the last time you felt like that and why?

Have felt the way I do about myself since I hit puberty! Which was a very long time ago.

I remember going on holiday with DD's dad when I was 19 and making myself ill trying to slim down for it, and I only weighed 9 1/2 stone!

Had DD when I was 22 and nothing changed, was still psycho and didn't trust her dad, which resulted in us spliting when she was 2.

Met DP 4 1/2 years ago and although I tried to hide it at first, didn't take long for me to start being jealous and horrible. The fact he was 230 miles away and we only saw each other every other weekend didn't help (actually very surprised we survived it) but it hasn't improved since I moved down here last Nov.

Was working full time for social services before I moved and liked my job, and had a couple of people I was friendly with, but still always felt like noone really like me. Like they talked to me cause they felt sorry for me.

I know I have low self esteem but cannot think of anything about me that I like so find it hard to focus on the positive when there is non. I know I sound like a right miserable cow, and I know that is why I have no friends.

I don't like meeting new people, I get all nervous and either clam up or ramble on and sound like a freak (pretty much like I am doing now).

We do ocassionally go out together (only have MIL to babysit and she ain't too keen) but I often end up sat crying cause he has text someone or I think he is ignoring me or looking at someone else. I always feel like the most fat unattractive person is any room at any one time.

I thought I looked ok when I lost some weight in the summer, but then my tits disappeared completely. And people started telling me not to lose any more weight, which to me was just stupid, cause was still a size 14!!!!! But I got bored and depressed and put it all back on again anyway.

I'm now 30, DD is 8yrs and DS is 9months. I feel like a frumpy plain boring fat ugly middle aged house wife. DP asked me if I wanted an iPod or Dishwasher for Xmas and I went for the Dishwasher. How lame is that?????

PB! the dishwasher choice is not lame! It's a practical choice. I'd much rather have a dishwasher than an iPod. Also you don't sound "like a freak" in your posts. You sound like an intelligent, articulate woman. You are also very self-aware and have a good understanding of your "problems" which, IMO, is the first step on the road to resolving them.

I would recommend you try two things. (1) spend some time thinking objectively about WHY you feel like you do. What triggered these thought patterns in you (because odds on you weren't born feeling like this!). Were you bullied at school, did you have a bad experience in an early relationship, what was your relationship with your parents like? Where are your attitudes about yourself coming from, are you really just playing out somebody elses script?

You mentioned in one of your posts that your behaviours are similar to those of your dad and you might want to think about how his behaviour has shaped yours.

(2) Spend as much time as you can (starting now )focussing on the things that you do well. It could be quite simple things like the way you cook a particular meal, the way you read a book to your dd. Try to focus on the positives no matter how small, because they are there. You have raised an 8 year old dd, that is a huge achievement and something of which you should be immensely proud. When she puts her arms around your neck and gives you a kiss, she doesn't care what size clothes you wear, she loves you for you. That is the kind of behaviour you need to emulate, you need to take a leaf out of your daughter's book and love the things about you that she loves iyswim. It is also very important that you don't let the negativity that you have (possibly as a result of emulating your father's behaviour) pass on to your dd.

I have just noticed that you have only been living where you are for 11 months. THat really is not a long time to fully settle in to a new community. It took me at least a year, more like two, to settle where I am now (moved from London to West Yorkshire 4 years ago). I really struggled at first and even posted on here saying how crap I felt and how I felt I could never make friends. 2 years after making that post things were so different and now I am so happy and settled I feel like a different person. Get your childminding up and running, hang on in there and things will improve eventually.

Give yourself a break PB, just try to relax and focus on the good things you have - like your children and your dp. He calls you "beautiful" so do him a favour and next time he says it just say "thank you, you are beautiful too" and give him a big hug. Trust him! You need to trust him!

I don't normally post at length like this, I'm more of a lurker . But your post struck a chord because I have felt like you do at various times in my life and I know that you can break this and move on.

If you find posting on here helps then you should continue to do so without feeling "like a freak". Nobody here will judge you.

Sending you {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}.

i couldn't possibly say it better elleMNOP, spot on

pb about finding a hobby, i would suggest trying to think of something you've always wanted to do, or used to when you were a child maybe, and just give it a go. there are usually loads of really inexpensive activities that run once a week. it could be as simple as joining a book club. as elleMNOP said, you seem very articulate and if your strength is with words you could try that.

don't not try something because you think you'll be crap it, i think surprising yourself is one of the most confidence inspiring feelings! even if it ends up not being for you at least you can say you gave it a go and then move on to something else until you find what you really enjoy. Also, the search will give you more to think about and watch out for so you won't worry about dp so much! let us know how it ends up, if you find something that suits you. you can do it!!!

here's a link to a list of reading groups in Bromley

also there's something called Messy Monsters that are art classes to attend with your baby, from 6 months of age. if you're not into art it can still be great fun to play with your ds and have someone else clean it up!

be great to hear you find something. x

Thanks for your positive feed back. Made me feel a lot better when I read it on Saturday night, especially as I had just got back from my crappy weekend job which I HATE (and have just found out that they arn't paying me this month, have to work a month in hand, so much for xmas)!

I know you are right and I will try and look for some positives, although finding it hard to think of a starting point for that.

Thanks for the links, I will def look at them.

DH was really sweet when I got in from crappy job on Saturday night and had done dinner for me and we watched a DVD with the kids.

But then I found out that he has booked the days of his xmas nights out off work, and they are in fact xmas all day benders!!!!! So we had a row about it and are still not talking.

Also, a friend of his is getting married next year and they are talking about the stag weekend already. AND I AM DESPERATELY UNHAPPY CAUSE I JUST DO NOT WANT HIM TO GO.

There is a hen weekend but I don't want to go to that cause I will miss the kids too much, and because I don't want him to go away either.

I know that they go to strip clubs and lap dancing bars and I just can't handle it! We nearly broke up over someone else's stag weekend a couple of years ago when I found out where they had been. I know it doesn't bother a lot of women, and Scott tells me that they all go just cause it is expected of them, and that he feels stupid cause he knows the women think they are a bunch of sad bastards, SO WHY GO THEN? Or is he just saying that in an attempt to make me feel better about him getting off on other women?

It is 9 months away and already I cry all the time whenever I think of it.

I know I sound like a complete psycho and am a total miserable cow, but I just really do not know what he see's in me and cannot accept that he wants me at all. He must be able to do so much better,

I really am always expecting him to leave me for someone thin. And I know there is only me can change how I look and I am just a lazy greedy fat cow, but I am finding it so hard to diet, and even harder not to have a bottle of wine every night.

Any words of inspiration?? Or should I just resign myself to that fact I will eventually drive him away, which is what he says that I secretly want, so that I can say 'yes I was right, he just thought I was repulsive all along'.

Oh god he'll be in from work soon, need to go try make it look like I haven't been crying.

(And I know that my DD seeing me crying is a terrible thing to do, and that even though DS is little, he picks up on it too, which just makes me feel even worse).

PB

You need - and should have a nicer name.

"My dad used to be jealous and untrusting with my mum (still is to a certain degree)".
Did you know that jealousy and low self esteem are linked?. Your Dad treated your Mum abysmally you know.

This is I think the root of all your problems to do with self esteem now; this goes back to your childhood and what you saw between your parents when growing up. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from them, they have unfortunately imparted you some damaging lessons.

You are acting a self fulfilling prophecy - if you don;t think you're "good" enough, he'll leave and when that happens you are proved "right".

You can overcome this but you will need to find a counsellor you can fully work with. The lessons that have been learnt need to be unlearnt. I note you had counselling before which was unsuccessful. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find one that fits with you.

Perhaps when you feel more comfortable in your own skin you will feel better about DP going out. You sort out your own emotional self then you can focus on the other areas that need addressing e.g the work you do.

The BACP website is a good place to start and I hope they can help you.

PB...wish I could give you a hug ! Not been on over the weekend so just caught up, you are not being silly and you are certainly not a pyscho. Like I said before I know exactly how you feel, I have been feeling crap myself cos I found that my DP have been looking at porn (he says he looks at pictures of naked women having sex like he does a car being driven and it doesn't mean anything !!??) I can't understand that cos I don't need to look at naked men - he is enough for me ! And we had a massive (drunken) argument the other night & ended up sleeping seperately for the first time ever.

Anyway, about the stag night....here again I know what you are going thro - we get married next year and everytime we meet up with mates they end up taking about my DPs stag night. I feel like cancelling the wedding just so he doesn't have to have a stag night - how stupid is that ?! I have told him that if there are any other women involved at all i.e strippers, lapdancers etc. I will call it off ! Now whos a psychobitch ? Most men feel pressured to do stuff like that on stag night cos its 'normal'

We really do seem to have a lot in common and I wish I lived nearer to you cos then we could both go out and be psychos together ! ha ha....

Seriously tho - don't beat yourself about how you feel you're not on your own, be more positive and try to trust your other half - Its hard (I know) but he loves you and thinks you are beautiful. Men see women who involved in porn differntly to the women they love - don't think any normal man would like to have a proper loving relationship with a slapper like that who gets paid to have sex with many different men while being filmed..... (thats what I keep telling myself anyway) even so I'm now on a diet !

Take care and keep posting on here it does help to know you are not alone. xx

I wish we lived near each other too! Could really do with a friend like you!

He brought up the stag weekend yesterday, and mentioned that he has said to his friend (who lives a fair bit away) about him and his wife coming down that weekend and the four of us going to Brighton and having a few beers together on the weekend of the stag and then staying over somewhere. And not him going on his own, cause he knows I would be upset and freaked if he went.

Now i really do appreciate the sentiment, and I think that is his attempt at reassuring me and making me feel better. But does it just make me look like a complete cow cause I won't 'let' him go????? Cause although I would never try to stop him, I know that I would be so upset and psycho before he went that I would be impossible to live with, and he knows it!

Do I just accept that he is being nice, or tell him to go on the stag weekend even though it will kill me inside (and there are no guarantee's I won't kill him too)????????????

Mitzi - we are also supposed to be getting married next year (no date though as so skint can't afford it) and the ONLY reason i could possibly think of cancelling it is the stag weekend! So I do understand completely how you feel! I don't feel the need to look at naked men or even have a hen weekend (or even a night) at all, so why does he need one!!!!!
X

PB, I've just read through your thread, and have a great big hug from me.

Half of me says go on the stag weekend, as I do think it's brilliant for him to suggest it, particularly if some other girls are going to. You can then find a hotel which can babysit or do baby listening and you can stay downstairs in the bar. If there were other girls with you whose partners are also on the stag do, would you find that reassuring, or would that not help at all? On the other hand, you might also have a bit of a laugh with them? As a mental exercise, why not try thinking about actually how sad and pathetic men look as they're gazing at some girl wiggling their bits who wouldn't normally give them the time of day? I'm not trying to make light of this, but perhaps if you could see the ridiculous side of a stag night it might help, particularly if you're with some other girls whose OHs are with your DP?

I also used to have similar self esteem and trust issues, that no-one liked me and were only going out with me (socially) to be nice, until my flatmate pointed out to me that he wouldn't go out for a drink with me if he didn't like me or my company. That's all it took. Very stupid, but it was that simple. And honestly, I do believe that that is how most people think. If people don't like you, they really wouldn't want to go out with you, after all, what kind of an evening is that for them? Honestly, if people socialise with you, it really is because they like your company and want to spend time with you.

With regard to the trust side. I'd been treated very badly in a relationship, leaving me with massive self-confidence and trust issues which pretty much screwed any chances I had with anybody else I then went out with, but I finally went on a personal development course over a 3 day weekend and it really sorted out my head. Intense but worth it. Shortly afterwards I met the man who I am now married to - a relationship which would never have succeeded before that course. So, as others have said, please do seek counselling as I am sure it will help you. And it does sound as if you do have the self awareness to be open to something like this.

Good luck and a big squeeze, and if you choose not to go on the stag weekend, do makes sure you plan some fantastic nights in - maybe some decent wine, a takeaway and some really good chic flics to loose yourself in, as there's nothing crappier than staring at rubbish tv all night imagining someone is having a better time than you. Trust me, if he's in some scuzzy strip club, how could he be?

Hi PB - hope you are ok ?...Do go on the stag weekend with your DP - I think its lovely that he has suggested it, if he didn't mean it he wouldn't have said it would he ? Many insensitive blokes wouldn't do that, they would just think 'sod you' and go anyway regardless of how their other half feels. (as my now ex H would have done !)

In fairness my DP says he doesn't want a stag night/weekend, don't know if thats cos he knows I'm getting worked up about it or cos he genuinely isn't bothered, but all his mates keep saying he's got to have one ! (I HATE THEM) No, seriously, I guess the others who will be going are quite sensible and I trust that they won't encourage him to do something stupid when hes bladdered that will ruin our relationship. My friends (whose OHs are going with my DP) are planning my hen night for the same weekend so I won't have time to think about him,( I think they are planning on going to the same place too just to make me feel better) so you should do that for yours.

As for the argument re; porn we had. He hasn't switched the laptop on since then and although things seem a bit strained I think we are ok. BUT he has changed his screensaver on his phone to an almost naked picture of chuffing Elle McPherson (he thinks she's perfect !) which he knows I hate so I thought 'sod you mate' and changed mine from a picture of him to one of Robbie Williams !! Bit childish I know but if you can't beat em join em !

Keep your chin up and big hug to you. xx

Ok I know that this sounds so pathetic but just need a sounding board! Am I being stupid?

Went out last night for the first time in ages (took DD to see Christina Aguilera at Wembley Arena) and came on PC this morning. Went through history (as I always do) and he had been on wrestling site and there was an article about which WWE Diva was to appear in Playboy next year. Why did he read it? Planning on buying the magazine?

Wasn't going to mention it, except he mentioned something about the PC and having had a bottle of wine (as usual) couldn't keep my mouth shut (as usual) and now he is not talking to me (as usual).

I checked the site and the title of the article said what it was about so if not interested why did he read it?

I know that I am fat and ugly and I really have no idea why he is with me, but would much rather he just said that then wait till I go out then look up web sites like that.

Why is he with me if that is what he really wants?

Just walked past me and is completely ignoring me. Said earlier that there is only so much of 'me' he can take.

I feel I am going completely crazy, and that I should ignore stuff like this, but I can't cause it hurts. Already wonder what he see's in me and this makes me feel worse.

PB - hello, have been reading your post and for some reason I thought you were me. find it dificult to talk to people, hate making telephone calls, hate initiating nights out - don't want to be a burden etc
Had been going really rough time with DH and I wasn't happy unless he was here with me - bit difficult cos he works and has a pub. He also works away two days a week, had hobbies, etc. It was when I found my self waking at three so I could check his phone without him knowing that I had to take a good long look at myself.

I had to ask myself - did I trust him? and the answer was yes I do. I don't feel particulary attractive and he works with young gorgeous girls.

I would (still do) check the pc history and he looks at naked girlies - but to be honest as someone said earlier - its like looking at cars. I like looking at men in trunks

I had to force myself - was really really hard not to say anything, about what I had seen on history, my suspicions, I really really wanted to - but tried really hard not to, sometimes I couldn;t help myself - then big arguement - bad feelings, tears etc. But it became easier after a while not to say anything negative - or to say it as a joke.

I keep telling him he doesn't love me etc and then he accuses me of trying to dump him with my suspicions.

One other thing that help my behaviour, was my brother had a girlfriend who acted the same way that I was, and she destroyed their friendship and then their love with her behaviour - something that I didn;t want to do.

I was better when I had my own hobbies - gave up when fell pregant. so now I'm going to try something new each month to see if there is anything I fancy taking up - there are so many taster things out there - some are even free.

I even make myself go away for the odd weekend to see my family (like you I move to be near DH) sometimes I take DD once I didn;t. to be honest hat going away without him, but it does help us, and give us something to talk about.

I have to trust him when I'm away - and he has to trust me.

You have to give him space - men are different from us, they think differently and act differently and he does sound like a typical bloke.

He sounds like he loves you very much.

Sending you lots of [[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]

Hi again, OMG we all sound like we are going through exactly the same ! Don't you wish the internet had never been invented ??

I have had to do alot of hard thinking in the last few days, like MadRose said it is so easy to destroy your relationship and I really don't want to do that. My DP has disconnected his PC and hasn't looked at it since we fell out....he said that if I was worrying about what he was looking at while he was on it he wasn't going to do anything to risk our relationship so he wasn't going to use it again. He told me that all he looks at is a website where people send in pictures of their bits (& what they do with em !!) and others can rate their pic - nothing more serious than that, and going by his recent PC history he is telling the truth, but I explained how crap and worthless it made me feel cos he felt he needed to look at other more attractive women....he said that if women are prepared to send in pictures of themselves like that then they are the worthless ones and he wouldn't touch em with a bargepole !! Looking at it like that he's right. What self respecting women would do stuff like that and what man would really want a serious, loving relationship with them when all and sundry have seen what they've got (in great detail !)

So, I have accepted that he does really love me and wouldn't do anything to hurt or upset me.

PB...please think about things seriously, yep, he looked at that website and might even be thinking about the magazine - I hate it when my DPs eye even wander to the top shelf in newsagents - but try not to think about it, it really isn't worth spoiling the good relationship that you have.

He is a typical bloke, they never really grow up, they still have to behave like naughty little boys. They look at porn in secret cos its more naughty like that....and cos they haven't got a clue what to do with spare time unlike us more intelligent women !!

Stop pulling yourself down, he doesn't think you are fat and ugly cos he says you are beautiful, that isn't why he looks at stuff on the internet or magazines - its what men do and alot of the time they feel left out with their mates if they don't do it and can't tlk about it. So stop worring, build up your confidence and try to get your relationship back on track.

Lots of love and hugs - take care XX

I never believed there would be so many people going through the same thing! Felt like a freak and that it was all just in my head.

DP used to work nights a lot (no more though as been promoted) and I always used to go visit family then so I knew he wouldn't be going out. He used to say can't I go when he is on an early shift so that he can go out without me making him feel guilty for it.

Still used to worry about what he got upto when I was away though. Even if going was my idea would still accuse him of being glad I was going so he could do 'whatever he wants', and he always knew what the accusation was there. As I am now childminding Mon to Fri and working weekends can't go away any more, and when we go at xmas he is coming too. (Note - minded child is safely asleep (an achievement in itself) and DS is sat here with me happily pressing keys on broken laptop, I arn't ignoring them or neglecting them).

I desperately need to build some confidence, some days I even hide my face and can't bare DP to even look at me with clothes on cause I feel so hideous.

And I know that I push him away a lot, even though I then complain that we never have sex. I am always so aware of what he might see or feel that might repulse him that sometimes it is easier to be in a mood cause we don't have sex, than worry about the actual action of it! Does that make sense?

I know I need to diet and I need to get some willpower from somewhere. Need to stop the bottle of wine each night too, for lots of reasons, but do find it hard (sounds terrible doesn't it, I think it's more of a comfort thing than anything else).

You both sound like you have pretty much got yourselves sorted. I need a moment of clarity to wake myself up I think!!!! What really worked for you?

Have terrible dreams all the time about him leaving me or cheating on me and just feel so terrible when I wake up, have actually woken crying before.

NEED SOME WILLPOWER TO DIET AND SORT MYSELF OUT! HOW???????????????? Words of encouragement or secrets of dieting required

Hi there PB !

I know what you mean about hiding yourself, I have a thing about my saggy post-baby belly (baby is now 10 years old!! and unfortunately my XHs not my DPs) if i see or feel his hand heading for it i push him away. Not having a problem with lack of sex....we have it loads, but i do worry about how he sees me, 40 and things starting to head south. But having said that he's not perfect...bit of beer belly as per most men.
We go thro a couple of bottles of wine most nights too....bad habit isn't it? but having said that a drop is ok cos it loosens you up abit and thats when we start to talk, its just that drop too much that can turn a 'talk' into an 'argument' !

Have you thought about joining weightwatchers or slimming world ? Think you said you are a size 16 ?? thats not big ! How tall are you ? I'm 5ft and now a size 12 (could do with loosing about a stone) but a couple of year ago I went up to a 14 / 16 and felt really really bad about myself, especially when my mum told me to loose weight !! so I went on a diet, spent a fortune on weightwatchers food, they work out the points for you on the packaging, I was allowed 20 points (you would probably start on 22) and you have to stick to that and have no more points during the day - BTW a normal glass of wine is 1 point ! When I lost weight down to a 10/12 my XH said i 'was staring to look attractive' hence one of the reasons he in my XH !

I've now started to do a few sit ups to try and shift my main hate point !

When i lost weight earlier this year (down to a size 14) it was with Slimming World, but never went to a club, just did it myself.

Cause DP works shifts wouldn't be able to go every week without dragging the kids along, and then wouldn't be able to stay for actual meeting, just to get weighed, which seems a bit pointless.

DP never tells me he thinks I need to lose weight or anything like that, says he loves me as I am and the only person with an issue about my size is me. But I still can't help thinking he would fancy me more (sound about 13 don't I?) if I was THIN! Not that I will ever be really thin, just not built that way. But really want to be a size 12 before we get married (although not even booked yet as can't afford it).

I want to lose 3 stone, and the really annoying thing is that I was half way there up till August, which is when I got really bored and stoped dieting. SO angry with myself for letting myself down.

So I know I CAN do it if I can get my arse in gear! Also doing lots of walkinga the moment, to and from school, and then a walk during the day to get mindee to sleep.

I just need some motivation! And I know feeling better about myself should be motivation enough but it is a vicious circle cause I eat/drink when I feel down!

Yep, I know that feeling.

You have proved to yourself that you can loose weight,so why not give it a try, the walking will be doing you some goods as well. Even though your DP says you don't need to loose any, you obviously have an issue about it and if you started to loose even a bit you might start to feel more confident in yourself.

Please start to believe in yourself a bit more, he loves you and thinks you are beautiful so he's obviously very happy with you the way you are and so should you be.

Don't get bored when you start loosing weight just think of all the new clothes you will need !and then there is your wedding.....get it booked ! It doesn't have to be a big do - but that will give you the motivation to cut down and diet abit to look absolutely gorgeous on your big day.

And a couple of glasses of wine doesn't hurt anyone - unless you get mindblowingly ratted and fall out like we do ! (apparently I slapped him the other night (blush) ) I am soooo embarrassed by my behaviour sometimes !

Im off home in a minute, hope you have a good weekend, will try to come on over the weekend. Take care - speak soon. X

Just wanted to say that i must be a psychobitch too! I can really relate to everthing you have said especially the internet stuff and dp going out. My dp is out next saturday and i am dreading it too. Last year he didnt get in until 6am and i grilled him for weeks afterwards convinced he had gone off with someone else but it turned out he had gone out with some polish mates from work and got sloshed on vodka,lol
Also wanted to say that i am a size 10 and dont have a bad figure but i hate my boobs and am convinced that my partner likes women with big boobs (which he does if his history is anything to go on). So i dont think it is just a matter of weight or whatever i think its an insecueity within ourselves more than anything.

I truly am amazed by the amount of different people who have said that they can relate to what I have rambled on about. Really thought I was the only one with these issues.

I tend to start crying the second the door closes behind him when he goes out, then I open the wine and cry some more. I do try and hide it in front of DD but know I don't do it well. Always telling her that I am just tired and my eyes are sore (not necessarily a lie) or that I have a cold.

And I just cannot sleep till he gets in. I go to bed and just lie there awake.

Problem is I usually start the accusations before he even leaves the house, which I know is more likely to make him want to cheat than anything.

See 'PSYCHOBITCH'!

I know what you are saying about being a size 10 but still feeling the same, but surely being thin has to be better than being fat no matter how you look at it.

When I get upset my DP tells me that size 16 is the average size for women in England. And I know he is trying to be nice, BUT WHO WANTS TO BE AVERAGE????? Besides I don't feel average. I feel HUGE. And I feel plain and boring! As I spend all day with DS and minded child, then other kids later on (DD and usually DP's DS too) I am always covered in food, snot and other gross stuff. And I always have to have my hair tied up or DS tried pulling it all out.

And I sometimes make an effort before DP gets in from work, shower & make up (obiously regularly do that anyway), hair straightened and clothes other than jeans and tshirt. But I sometimes wonder why I bother cause he never seems to notice that it is for him!

I am ranting again, sorry! But it really does help writing this down knowing that there are other people going through, or been through, similar stuff.

You have got to get some help. I'm going to be brutal and say if I had a boyfriend who acted like this, I would leave. Not for another man, not because of his attractiveness, but because it must be absolutely miserable to live with someone who is so jealous and controlling and who hates themself so much.
I feel desperately sad for you but you are so depressed you must get help. See your GP see if you can get some more counselling. Stop the heavy drinking. It is making you fat and more depressed and paranoid. Just don't buy any wine four nights a week.
You could join weightwatchers jus for the weigh in. Loads of people use it like that.
I also think you need more of a life. To see friends etc.

I don't have any friends, moved 230 miles away from them and my family to be with DP.

Only people who are kind of friends are DP's friends partners. But don't really see them without DP (or even with DP) very often.

I too wouldn't stay with someone like me and I don't know why he puts up with me.

At the moment the bottle of wine on a night when the kids are in bed is all I have to look forward to.

Hi, psychobitch, im also suprised there are lots of other people out there like you, I thought it was me you were describing and I thought my paranoid crazy thoughts were only thought by me !!
My dp has been out shopping all afternoon with his brother, I am thinking that he would rather do this than spend time with me! Daft eh !
As for him going a night out without me, don't even go there, the last time this happened I was physically sick, I also don't know why he is with me!
From the outside we look great, I even manage to hide a lot of this from him, but he knows im really insecure.
With regads to losing weight and not having to go out, I have asked for a lateral thigh trainer for my christmas, its only 50 quid off ebay, its meant to tone you right up which is what im after.