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Original poster

Is it rape?

98 replies

Shar76 · 06/08/2015 17:29

Hi I'm new to here and I don't know if this is appropriate for here so please accept my apologies if it isn't.
I have been with my partner for four years, always had a good sex life but when I say no he doesn't listen and constantly tries doing things. We have sex on a regular basis so it isn't as though we don't have a sex life.
The other night I was in bed and he tried and I said no, anyway I was lay on my side and he came up behind me and started trying to put his penis inside my underwear, I kept trying to wriggle away but he kept hold of one of my legs.
I started trying to make a joke about it saying no and sort of doing a pretend laugh. I said no about 4 or 5 times, again I tried wriggling out of the way to my own side of the bed but he pulled my knickers to one side and put his penis in me. I tried to move but again he held my leg and started thrusting.
At the start I didn't enjoy it and I just kept thinking why hasn't he listened, why did he force himself in me? Eventually towards the end I started to enjoy it.
Since that night I don't know how to speak to him about it, it just didn't feel right and I just feel like he has no respect for me as his partner.
I'm not going to report it or anything I just don't know how to handle it.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was younger and he knows this because I trusted him so I told him.
I just don't know how to deal with it

OP posts:
KevinKnowsImMiserableNow · 06/08/2015 17:31

Yes it's rape.

I'm sorry.

Jan45 · 06/08/2015 17:36

Eeeew, yes he did rape you, sorry too.

Zero respect OP and an entitlement to take from you what he wants, disgusting.

Joysmum · 06/08/2015 17:36

Yes it's rape. You said no. Many rape victims somehow think it isn't as they can't rationalise they they enjoyed it at the end. My counsellor says it's common.

Muddlewitch · 06/08/2015 17:37

Yes it absolutely is rape, I'm so sorry.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 06/08/2015 17:37

Yes, that is rape Shar. Your partner needs to know that 'no' means exactly that!

If he knows what has happened to you in the past, that makes his behaviour even more despicable.

NaiceHamSandwich · 06/08/2015 17:39

He put his penis inside you after you said no multiple times.

Him being your partner does not give him the right to have sex with you without consent, even if you did start to enjoy it.

Rape is forcing sex or sexual activities without consent. You didn't give consent. I'm sorry Sad

travellinglighter · 06/08/2015 17:39

Male Perspective

Rape.

CosmicDespot · 06/08/2015 17:41

Yes it's rape. Your partner is a rapist.

The5DayChicken · 06/08/2015 17:43

Yes, it's rape. You repeatedly said no and he physically restrained you.

I understand why you don't want to report it...I didn't either. But please consider ending the relationship. He knows he raped you. He knows he's gotten away with it. And he won't think anything of doing it again.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 06/08/2015 17:47

Absolutely rape. I was raped by an ex years ago and I struggled for years to come to terms with the fact that I got some sexual pleasure from it at the end. I posted about it on here and someone posted a very useful link saying that up to 1 in 4 people who are raped experience pleasure. I wish more people knew this.

Offred · 06/08/2015 17:55

Yes it's rape.

You don't need to report it but you could talk to an organisation like women's aid, rape crisis or victim support. None of them will make you report it but they'll give you emotional and practical support.

Original poster
Shar76 · 06/08/2015 18:12

Thank you for your kind replies. I just don't know how to deal with it or just ignore it

OP posts:
Offred · 06/08/2015 18:14

I'd advise against ignoring it as IME it won't make the feelings go away, it will just make them harder to deal with and prolong them.

Do you think you could speak to someone as I suggested?

Offred · 06/08/2015 18:14

You don't need to say the word. You can say as much or as little as you are comfortable with.

PresidentTwonk · 06/08/2015 18:15

Yes, that is rape, I'm sorry it's happened to you. I know it's really hard to deal with and you feel like the easiest thing to do is to ignore it but it really isn't. The police will take this seriously but I understand you may not feel able to go to them. Do you have anyone (a friend or relative) you can confide in for RL support? Do you feel able to seek help somewhere such as rape crisis?

The5DayChicken · 06/08/2015 18:19

From experience Shar, I tried ignoring it. It really didn't work. The fact is you're in a sexually abusive relationship and if you pretend nothing happened, he's likely to do it again. But confronting him isn't a brilliant option either...for some reason, a lot of men who think this 'type' of rape is ok strongly reject the word 'rape' and the title 'rapist'. As if in their head, it's only rape if non-sexual violence is also involved. I wish I hadn't tried to ignore it. My life would be very different now.

Joysmum · 06/08/2015 18:21

I tried ignoring/denying/justifying it.

26 years on and I fell apart. I'm now getting help. These things have a way of steering if you can't process them.

Joysmum · 06/08/2015 18:21

*steering = festering

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/08/2015 20:20

Yes, it is rape. And it is still rape even if you enjoyed it towards the end (that is not uncommon in rape victims...one theory is that if you can bring yourself into that kind of headspace, you are less likely to be injured by resistance and tension).

No means no.

The5DayChicken is, sadly, completely right. A lot of people think that the only kind of rape that 'counts' is stranger rape when a man leaps out of the bushes at you. You know, the kind that almost never happens.

Original poster
Shar76 · 06/08/2015 20:42

I wish I didn't love him, he's put me thru hell and back. He went to visit his daughter one day and text me saying he wasn't coming, he came back then left me again and I took him back. He leaves me for silly things that you expect from a teen, not a 45 year old man.
I have bent over backwards trying to make his daughter feel comfortable but when I get to that point n things are running smoothly he finds something else to create an issue about. He cheated on me and then only a few months ago I found him on a dating website. I just had a gut instinct so I created a fake account and I found him. I confronted him about it and he said all the usual about being sorry.
He tells me he has no money even tho he works and he doesn't contribute towards the bills here, but after telling me he has no money he then goes and spends stupid amounts on his daughter. To the point where we have no food in the fridge.
Also I have been called inflexible n rigid because I won't agree to his 14 year old daughter sharing our bedroom with us while she visits. She sleeps on the sofa or a blow up bed in the lounge, she has a duvet, pillows and is comfortable. It has always been fine but got some reason he's now saying she shouldn't sleep on the sofa.
I rang social services today to make sure I was t doing anything harmful or unfair with her being on the sofa and they confirmed that it's perfectly fine n totally unreasonable for her to be sharing our room at that age.
I have tried to make conversation with his daughter via phone, face to face, social media sites and I have never ever been rude or unkind to her but yet she doesn't bother interacting. I've known her since she was 9.
I just wish I didn't love him so I could end the relationship. I just feel unhappy all the time of my happiness is overshadowed by me waiting for the next issue to be created. I just feel lost

OP posts:
Original poster
Shar76 · 06/08/2015 20:45

And now with the sex issue I just don't know what to do. I just want someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything will be ok. I'm drained with doing everything I can for him n his daughter

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 20:49

oh goodness me - the infidelity and issues with him being a cocklodger are bad enough, but now rape on top.

Please get some RL support. This man is awful and you need to get away.

Joysmum · 06/08/2015 20:51

If I were close to you, I'd give you a big hug. Abusers separate us away from anyone who could help and that's and very lonely place to be Flowers

The more I read, the worse it gets. Please, I know it takes time to adjust but if you could speak to your doctor. It was the start of things changing for the better for me, I felt I wasn't going mad when I realised things were going to start to change for me.

Take care of yourself Flowers

borisgudanov · 06/08/2015 20:51

If you let this bastard get away with this he will conclude that he has permission to use your person for his own gratification as and when he wishes. Your boundaries will become harder and harder to police.

Although you may not wish to report him nevertheless you should detesticulate dump him.

Lightbulbon · 06/08/2015 20:53

You need to tell social services that a 14yo is in regular contact with a rapist.