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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it rape?

98 replies

Shar76 · 06/08/2015 17:29

Hi I'm new to here and I don't know if this is appropriate for here so please accept my apologies if it isn't.
I have been with my partner for four years, always had a good sex life but when I say no he doesn't listen and constantly tries doing things. We have sex on a regular basis so it isn't as though we don't have a sex life.
The other night I was in bed and he tried and I said no, anyway I was lay on my side and he came up behind me and started trying to put his penis inside my underwear, I kept trying to wriggle away but he kept hold of one of my legs.
I started trying to make a joke about it saying no and sort of doing a pretend laugh. I said no about 4 or 5 times, again I tried wriggling out of the way to my own side of the bed but he pulled my knickers to one side and put his penis in me. I tried to move but again he held my leg and started thrusting.
At the start I didn't enjoy it and I just kept thinking why hasn't he listened, why did he force himself in me? Eventually towards the end I started to enjoy it.
Since that night I don't know how to speak to him about it, it just didn't feel right and I just feel like he has no respect for me as his partner.
I'm not going to report it or anything I just don't know how to handle it.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was younger and he knows this because I trusted him so I told him.
I just don't know how to deal with it

OP posts:
LiverMummy25 · 06/08/2015 20:54

Yes it's rape he forced you with his hands, held your leg down and you tried to wiggle away. Have you opened up to anyone? I think counselling might be helpful to you and also if you have a close relative you can speak to. Do you feel trapped with this man. I know you say you love him and it must be awful for you having these feelings but at the same time he seems to be emotionally controlling you.

Bluetrews25 · 06/08/2015 21:00

I'm worried about why he wants his 14 year old daughter in his/your bedroom.
Think about it.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2015 21:00

No, don't ignore it. His behaviour is indicative of a man who does not respect women, a man who believes it is his right to control a woman and feels that that he 'owns' her body.

Frankly, I don't think talking to him will do any good. He will never see what he did as rape. And it was, it truly was.

I think you need to think about how he treats you in other areas of your life. Does he respect your opinions? Does he include you in decisions? Does he allow you to say 'no' in other areas of your life? And mostly, is this what you want for the rest of your life?

SonjasSister · 06/08/2015 21:03

I think perhaps he needs you a lot more than you need him, even though it probably doesn't fele like that to you at the moment. But it really, really doesn't sound as though he cares about you the tiniest little bit.

It might help clarify things for you if you could work out why you feel you love him. To me, love is something mutual, a relationship. Yet it sounds as though you are just a service to him,with nothing mutual about it.

You obviously have so much to give, but it is bwing thrown back in your face at the moment.

I woukd gladly give you a big hug, but i don't think it is ever going to be all right with this man.

Original poster
Shar76 · 06/08/2015 21:18

He's seeing a counsellor because of his ways, mainly his past and the swearing n shouting at me. He has two daughters but told the mother of his youngest daughter that his eldest daughter will always be his number one ( two daughters to different mums) his youngest daughter is 9 and she is absolutely adorable I only met her once and was told by my partner to keep out of it because it has nothing to do with me. His daughter is spoilt terribly, to the point where if I bought her anything I would never get a thank you so I stopped buying her things and tried speaking to my partner about it but it didn't see what was wrong so I gave up. He doesn't really see his youngest daughter, he saw her just before Xmas and it was the first time in just over 8 years. No reason specifically, he just chose not to see her.
He does have issues that's he's trying to resolve but so far nothing has changed. He's been going to the counsellor for about 6 weeks and the latest issue with the sex was last week.
He tells me that he needs me because he says everyone else in his life has walked out on him. His marriage to his eldest daughters mum ended over 12 years ago because he had an affair with his youngest daughters mum.
I just don't know, all I know is that I love him but I also know I deserve better but I'm scared Incase I don't meet anyone. I have always been so confident, I get told I'm a good looking woman but I don't feel it

OP posts:
Joysmum · 06/08/2015 21:36

He tells me that he needs me because he says everyone else in his life has walked out on him

Can you blame them.

My DH and I truly love each other. If I thought for one moment I was continually hurting my DH, even if I didn't mean to, I would let him go knowing he would be better off without me.

If I was selfish and put myself first, I'd guilt him into staying because it suited me even though I was hurting him.

That's love for you. He's done such a number on you that you can't see that yet Sad

LiverMummy25 · 06/08/2015 21:39

Shar I promise you, you will meet someone. It may take time but you will. You are strong and you can get your confidence back but the longer you stay with him the more you will begin to feel negative about yourself because it has all become normal you.

Write down all of the things you would miss about him and equally so the things that he does that make you feel shit. True love nurtures you it doesn't drag you down. You deserve better and you know you do. You could even take a break and be by yourself and then if you see a change in him then decide what you want to do but you may find that it's a relief to be on your own and able to be yourself.

The5DayChicken · 06/08/2015 21:41

Sweetheart, please ask yourself why he wants his 14yo in his bed despite her being comfortable with the sofa arrangement. And why there's such a contrast between this and the way he regards his 9yo.

He cheated on the 9yo's mum with the 14yo's mum too. I'm going to guess that the 9yo's mum gives him the treatment he deserves? Which probably explains why he rejects their daughter.

He's cheated. He's been on dating websites. He doesn't contribute. He's a rapist.

I know you love him. But you need to love yourself and this treatment of you won't let you.

We're all here for you. I'd suggest talking to a victim support worker at your local council. I found it enormously helpful. And with all the understanding in the world, you do need some help making sense of this.

goddessofsmallthings · 06/08/2015 21:44

To paraphrase Elizebeth Barrett Browning, 'how do i love thee, let me count the ways':

Your love for me is is demonstrated by the fact that you rape me whenever you feel the urge to do so.
You want your eldest dd to share our bed so that she can experience the joys of sex with you.

You are a sick fucking puppy but I love the bones of you.

Does that about sum it up?

Stick with this pervert and you too may end up as a guest of Her Maj. Is that what you want? If not, get shot now and start reclaiming your self-respect and your self-esteem.

CalleighDoodle · 06/08/2015 21:49

Contact womens aid when you can safely do so a d get your ducks in a row. Being single might seem scary to you right now, but once youre in a better place than with this awful man youll be much better x

BIWI · 06/08/2015 21:54

Why on earth do you love this man? Can you try, dispassionately, to point out why you love him? And then have a go at pointing out all the ways that he is horrible to you (and his family)?

Yes, he's raping you. He doesn't respect you. I'd wager he doesn't even like you much, to be honest. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible, but your partner is supposed to love and cherish you.

EveryoneElseIsAnAsshole · 06/08/2015 22:11

I'm sorry but that is rape. Even if you got into it towards the end that is just a response to something happening to your body - like if someone poked you in the eye, it would water. Possibly TMI but sometimes people who are raped can orgasm which can be hugely confusing.

I'm so sorry that he has no respect for you and has hurt you like this. Please get some help even if it's just looking up your local Independant Sexual Violence Advisor.

spudlike1 · 06/08/2015 22:52

You need to tell someone in rl ..you need to leave this man if he gets violent or you are scared call the police .
In time you will be able to work why you feel that you are in love ( its an emotional attachment its not actual love ) distance is what you need think about your safety

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/08/2015 06:59

He's an actual horror. Surely being alone would be better than being with this abusive rapist and his spoilt daughter?

spudlike1 · 07/08/2015 09:08

You are clearly a lovely kind person ..This man erodes your self esteem daily.

Greta28 · 07/08/2015 09:53

Wants his 14 year old to share a room with him....? Made me shiver. This is not right.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 10:07

Please don't be scared of being alone, you will meet someone else, someone who is not fucked up in the head and will treat you with respect; you are never going to get that with him.

It's up to you to make yourself happy, shackling yourself to a human being who cheats, likes and rapes you is not going to do that, you must know that deep down.

As for wanting is teenage daughter in the same room, it just get weirder.

Original poster
Shar76 · 07/08/2015 10:29

Someone said about eroding my self esteem and that's what's happened. I was bad last year because of him so I went doctors and was put on mirtazipine and referred to counselling. I wanted to get my confidence back n be a stronger person to stop me from taking him back because I knew I loved him completely and I because of that I would take him back. The counselling didn't come thru quickly and I ended up taking him back. I keep telling myself that when my love for him dies I will be ok because I know then that I can end it without the risk of taking him back.
There's just so much that has happened and I would be here forever explaining and I wouldn't want to bore any of you with it all.
I think women would understand this bit......all I want is for a man to now and again treat me like I'm his world and for him to kick at me now and again n think how lucky he is to be with someone who loves him. You know that feeling when you hear someone say she's my world, I think how nice and how lucky. I look at my partner and at times he's nice to me but I never get the feeling that our love is on a par.
I just want my love to go then I know I'm safe not wanting him back but I don't know how to make it go.
I hate myself for loving him because I know he doesn't deserve it.
And when he has his daughter here my stomach turns because I watch him pretend to be this perfect man, it makes me feel sick because I know what he is truly like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shar76 · 07/08/2015 10:30

I mean look at me not kick at me

OP posts:
ARV1981 · 07/08/2015 10:33

Yes it's rape.

I think you need to raise concerns about the daughter's safety too.

I know you still love him, but he is a dangerous man.

If he could rape you, he could rape her. You both need protection, so please get it as soon as possible. You need to report him to the police and mention how he wants his daughter to sleep in the same room as well.

What he's done to you is disgusting, but if it escalates (which it might) then who knows where it could end up. That little girl, while spoiled, needs protecting - even if she behaves like an adult, she isn't one. You are.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 10:35

I doubt you really do truly love him OP, you are stuck in the bubble so think that you do.

Once you get away you will see tings for what they really are, I mean, we can't all be wrong on here?

tobysmum77 · 07/08/2015 10:36

If you have to ask you already know the answer Sad

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 10:44

Lovey what you've got here is a wrong 'un and a rapist. Everything about him sounds thoroughly detestable and yet you love him. If you had a daughter would you want this for her?

It's not your fault everyone in his life has walked out of his life, it's his and you know the reasons why. You're not responsible for picking up the pieces of his life.

Ditch him, ditch his rude daughter and get on with your life. He doesn't love you, he's using you.

Original poster
Shar76 · 07/08/2015 15:57

I've been thinking about everything you guys have said and I've texted his counsellor asking for an emergency appointment today and I'm going to raise the sex issue in a controlled environment. I don't feel comfortable talking to him myself about it so I hope the counsellor see me asap

OP posts:
Offred · 07/08/2015 16:10

Oh gosh, I would seriously advise you against seeing his counsellor! If it doesn't create a massive conflict of interest the focus will be on minimising your experience.