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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it rape?

98 replies

Shar76 · 06/08/2015 17:29

Hi I'm new to here and I don't know if this is appropriate for here so please accept my apologies if it isn't.
I have been with my partner for four years, always had a good sex life but when I say no he doesn't listen and constantly tries doing things. We have sex on a regular basis so it isn't as though we don't have a sex life.
The other night I was in bed and he tried and I said no, anyway I was lay on my side and he came up behind me and started trying to put his penis inside my underwear, I kept trying to wriggle away but he kept hold of one of my legs.
I started trying to make a joke about it saying no and sort of doing a pretend laugh. I said no about 4 or 5 times, again I tried wriggling out of the way to my own side of the bed but he pulled my knickers to one side and put his penis in me. I tried to move but again he held my leg and started thrusting.
At the start I didn't enjoy it and I just kept thinking why hasn't he listened, why did he force himself in me? Eventually towards the end I started to enjoy it.
Since that night I don't know how to speak to him about it, it just didn't feel right and I just feel like he has no respect for me as his partner.
I'm not going to report it or anything I just don't know how to handle it.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was younger and he knows this because I trusted him so I told him.
I just don't know how to deal with it

OP posts:

AskingForAPal · 07/08/2015 16:38

Shar, I'm not being sarcastic but what do you mean when you say you love him?

"I think women would understand this bit......all I want is for a man to now and again treat me like I'm his world and for him to look at me now and again n think how lucky he is to be with someone who loves him. You know that feeling when you hear someone say she's my world, I think how nice and how lucky. I look at my partner and at times he's nice to me but I never get the feeling that our love is on a par."

Well, it's not no a par is it. Think of someone you love and respect. Would you hurt them, deprive them of money, sexually abuse and humiliate them and generally be a massive arsehole to them? He doesn't love you, he obviously HATES you, along with womankind as a whole.

Listen to me, because I - and everyone on here - genuinely like you more than he does: YOU'RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE. He will never treat you like a lovable and honoured human being because he is a loathsome bloke who knows in his heart you are nicer and more beautiful and more generous than him, and hates you for it.

I think you are addicted to him, but people get off far worse drugs than that.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/08/2015 16:38

Even if you did lie there and did nothing, because you did not consent it still comes under the legal definition of rape (in British law). Your partner was well aware that you did not want it and still chose to go ahead, on this occasion physically restraining you. There really is no more accurate way to describe it than with the R word. As you say, this is the man who is supposed to love, protect and respect you. This action is the complete opposite to all of those and you are quite right to feel weird and horrible about it. Weird and horrible is what it is. But sadly, not all that unusual (see contribution from idiot above).

However nice he is to you in the daytime it does not give him the right to just take his pleasure regardless of your wishes.

Rosieliveson · 07/08/2015 16:38

I believe you.
As some posters have said, and one nasty individual has proven, there are still those people in society who believe that rape is only committed when a stranger pounces on a woman from the bushes or that a woman can be 'asking for it'. Whatever the circumstances, being forced, blackmailed or coerced into a sex act is rape.
I hope you can get some help and get yourself to a safer, happier place.

Original poster

Shar76 · 07/08/2015 16:54

Askingforapal I know you're not being sarcastic and I see why u asked.

I enjoy his company, I look forward to him coming home from work, I enjoy caring for him and supporting. It all comes natural to me and I think it's because of the love I have for him. I know completely that our love isn't on a par because I raised it numerous times and at the counsellor sessions but I keep thinking and hoping the counselling sessions will work for him and then it will be on a par.
Maybe I don't know when to give up and when to admit that things will never change.
I know myself that in the long run I will be happier without him but when he left me the previous 3 times I was devastated and I don't want to feel like that again. It felt like I was literally heartbroken and I don't want to go through it again.
That's why it's hard for me to accept the R word because of my love for him.
I am apprehensive talking about it with him because I'm scared that he may use it as reason to leave " I can't believe you think I would rape you " kind of reason

OP posts:

cranberryx · 07/08/2015 16:59

There are lots of videos on youtube about 'what is consent?' I would suggest watching a few of these. There are also a few of these made by men, so you could forward to him so he can understand that no means NO!

I am sorry this happened to you. As your partner he should respect your body and your right to do with it what you wish. I would be very upset if this happened to me. It IS rape.

butterflygirl15 · 07/08/2015 16:59

but can't you see that what he did to you is a reason for you to leave him?

Why do you think being with him is better than being alone?

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 17:00

You can't live like that OP, you are living your life through his; it's heart breaking to split from anyone, to begin with, but you've answered your own question there, you know it's what you should be doing, your hanging on to something that will never happen.

I just can't get my head around you not being absolutely furious at him violating you like that.

AskingForAPal · 07/08/2015 17:00

I worry about your expectations for yourself. Is this how it's always been for you in relationships?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 17:02

It sounds like you're in a co-dependent relationship and I really think you need to try to break free. It's sounds like you love him and he loves him, but who is loving you?

Coffeemarkone · 07/08/2015 17:04

" Maybe he just thought that you were playing hard to get, like a lot of you do"

wtf - women don't 'play hard to get' they say 'NO'.
Does any man really still use that stupid misogynist term 'playing hard to get'. ffs OP has been living with this excuse of a man for four years!
Fuck I am angry now

AskingForAPal · 07/08/2015 17:05

Jan, I think it might be because of the childhood abuse the OP experienced, she maybe has never known what it's like to have her boundaries respected.

This is what I really can't get over, that he knows you were abused and is now copying the abuse you experienced. Doesn't that disgust you? And also, what is your honest feeling about his suggestion that his daughter (essentially) watch him abuse you?

He is a low life and if he left you and never came back he would be doing you a massive favour.

Original poster

Shar76 · 07/08/2015 17:10

I haven't always been like this in relationships. I was married for 13 years and took the difficult decision to leave due to the relationship eventually making ill due to reasons that I won't say for now. So I got the courage to leave with nothing and I found myself a house for me n my children, furnished it and started from scratch to get where I am now. It was hard but I managed it because my love went away so I didn't feel emotionally connected to him

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 17:12

Ah, yes, I see.

Awful.

LazyLouLou · 07/08/2015 17:16

So the house you live in is yours? Whether it is rented or owned you will need to get him out, at some point, when you feel ready to be strong and the love is gone.

I am sure there will be a lot of support here for you, loads of advice, contact details to help you do this. Please, take time to think this through and decide when you will do this. I don't say if, as I want you to believe that you are worth far more than this man is able to give you.

Original poster

Shar76 · 07/08/2015 17:19

Hopefully by me typing what I'm about to it may give a sense why I'm having problems with accepting what he did was wrong......I was sexually abused from 6-9 years by my brother, then from the age of 10-16 physically abused by my sister. I was told if I ever told anyone I would get killed and as a child that stuck with me.
I have raised 3 beautiful children, took myself to uni and qualified as a nurse and got myself back on my feet after I left my ex husband.
I am a strong person so I really don't know why I'm struggling now. Has being with my partner weakened me, I just don't know I really don't.
I wish I found it easy to tell him to go without the danger of me taking him back but for some reason I love this man even tho I know I shouldn't

OP posts:

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 17:21

Shar you left your marriage because it was making you ill (I dread to think what happened there but you don't need to go into it) and despite it being hard you established a home for you and your children. You sound brilliant, please don't waste that progress you've made on spending another moment with this scumbag.

Are your DC at home?

Original poster

Shar76 · 07/08/2015 17:27

I have three children. My youngest is 15 she lives with me, my middle is 17 n he lives with his dad now, and my eldest is 22 and he still lives with me. So they are all adults virtually, my eldest is. I have a brilliant relationship with all of them. They have never caused me any issues. This is what else I don't understand....my partner is perfectly fine with all my children, it's just me that he treats the way he does and I don't know why. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I have never done anything to hurt him or his daughter. I have been loyal and committed to him.

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 07/08/2015 17:36

His behaviour is not your fault and is not because of anything you've done

TheClacksAreDown · 07/08/2015 17:39

Oh OP you poor thing. I really hope you can muster the strength to dump him. He is a nasty piece of work.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 17:41

Shar do your children see the way he treats you? What do they think of him?

You can't cause someone to be abusive, or a rapist, they either are or they're not. He is. This is not your doing.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 17:41

You could spend the rest of your life trying to work out why this man is a pig, you will never know, it wont change anything either.

What keeps ringing out to me is he KNOWS about your past abuse and yet still goes ahead and rapes you, I don't think you can get any lower on the human being scale than that.

AskingForAPal · 07/08/2015 21:14

It's literally nothing to do with you. He was an arsehole before you met him and he will be long after you finally fuck him off x

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 22:24

Of course you haven't done anything! Rape is NEVER the victim's fault.

You need to realize that he is just plain wired wrong. He may be lovely in all other aspects, but the fact that he believes he has a right to your body whenever he chooses negates all those other lovely things, IMO. It betrays such a complete lack of respect for you, indeed for all women, that no amount of thoughtfulness in other areas of our life could ever make up for it.

You are obviously a strong woman, and an intelligent one. Let me tell you a little thing; I left an abusive marriage. After while I became involved with a man who treated me like dirt. He wasn't 'classically' abusive, he just treated me as something 'disposable' to be picked up and put down when he felt like it. Because of the disaster of my first marriage all I could think was 'Oh NO, I can't go though this again!!' and 'I can't be a 'two-time loser', I refuse to be!'. It was so painful to think about starting over a second time, that I stayed much longer than I should have. But I did finally realize that I was much better than the way he treated me.

Don't stay out of fear of loneliness or because you don't want another failed relationship. The 'failure' will be if you stay.

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