I am so distressed , please help

[Fuckingstupid2015]

My name says it all really. N/C obviously ...

I am early 50s. I have two kids now 17 & 14. I was divorced from my drug using exH in 2009 - a relief as he was abusive, unreliable and aggressive to the children. shortly after this I met DP.

I fell totally in love, as he did with me. He is divorced with two children (older and independent) Within a year he had moved in to my home (which I kept after the divorce, bought ExH out) . All very nice. He was very supportive to me during my divorce negotiations and in a big work problem that arose for me subsequently.

The problem is that I think he hates my kids. The elder has problems, the younger is a great kid. He won't allow them into the living room in case they damage his stuff, we have locks on the doors as the elder has previously thieved money. He is so hostile to them at times (not always but it's unpredictable).

He does not work, and had lived off me for almost 7 years. I am deeply in debt. Last year he stRted a business - it costs me every month to maintain that business.

We had an argument on Sunday and he called me a "stupid fucking cow" .. The argument was because I had bought my kids a PS4, he will not allow the elder to stay in the house unless an adult is there- but I work and am constantly under pressure to leave early so he can go to his 'business' ... I am so stressed I could scream but I cannot talk to him about it as he shouts at me and cuts me off.

I had a breakdown last year, caused I know by his behaviour to my kids. I tried to pretend it was other things but it wasn't.

I know what I need to do, but I feel sick, anxious, ill - and terrified of the loss of what was, once, such a happy relationship. I know I can't make him change, but I'm grieving for the loss of what I though I had. Please be gentle , I'm not stupid, I have a high paying professional job, and manage very well in every other aspect of my life.

Very true. And if your in debt now imagine how much worse that's going to get paying for this bloke to live a lively life in your house.

A DP is only that if they are being dear and being a partner.

This reminds me of a relationship one of my friends had, at some point it was ok, but over time it deteriorated. It doesn't mean the whole thing was bad, and it does sound like your eldest was very difficult. However, if you read your Op back you will see you said you think your partner hates both your kids, and both are kept out of the living room and you had a breakdown because of his behaviour. So, it may have been working once, but it is not now, is it?

Given what else you say about him not paying his way for seven years, demanding money from you for his business, you must know this is a dead duck of a relationship.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh deary me.

My mother married a man she didn't like for his money. He didn't like her son. So she sent her 7 year old son to boarding school to make room in the house for a man she didn't like.

You have no idea the emotional fuckwittage this caused EVERYONE and my adult brother is now an absolute arse. All because my mother stayed in a relationship with a man she didn't like because she was too afraid to be on her own. And then 40 years later the man died. And she's never been happier. What a waste of EVERYONE's lives. No one was happy. No one would shift the status quo. What a mess.

But kicking him out is one thing, avoiding doing the same things AGAIN is probably where I need help.

Kicking him out is not one thing, it's the first thing and hopefully it's the catalyst for the second thing, which is addressing your issues. You can not begin to address your issues, if a major example of your flawed thinking and inability to erect and police strong boundaries is still sitting on the bloody sofa.

You've known for some time what needs to be done and you're using separate issue i.e your sons poor behaviour, to avoid doing it. It really is time to stop making excuses and start taking action. Only you can break the circle.

I'm hearing prioritizing sex over your ds' wellbeing. Get fucking rid of. You're actually making me livid. If your elder ds has issues it's hardly surprising with inept parents and parental figures such as he has. And YOU need handholding? What about your poor boys?

First off But kicking him out is one thing, avoiding doing the same things AGAIN is probably where I need help. I think you won't make the same mistake again. The first - the exH - could be written off as unlucky. You now know that you attract the sort of man who's looking to prey on a woman, and you can learn how not to be that woman. That's for later.

You don't have a lot of self esteem or self worth after your exH do you? Maybe you didn't have before you met him. But you can do this.

IF the issues with your DSs was the only thing, and IF it is that it's very recent and he was fine with them before then but now genuinely can't cope with your eldest's habits, then I MIGHT have said you could try to work things out between the four of you. But it's not the only issue. He may have a nice side and be good looking yadda yadda, but they're not the real him. The real him is a controlling individual who wants things his own way, including free (in all senses) access to your house, a subsidy for his 'business' and I dare say a regular shag. He doesn't truly value you for yourself, only for what you can give him. Some men would still be controlling, using violence or emotional abuse even when they got what they wanted. He becomes 'nice' again, which is muddying the waters for you.

(Think about it - yes he helped you get a better divorce settlement, and helped you work through it to keep your job when things were difficult. How altruistic were those things? Or did they just mean more money and a job for you = more money for him?)

So stop thinking about him. The nice him isn't unconditional. Have the strength to see through him, to see that the relationship you're grieving for was only pretend - though that thought will also cause you to grieve - and take the first step which is to put yourself and your kids first.

It'll be OK, trust us.

akker thank you. I am in general a balanced person, I need to consider where I am in a balanced way.

Despite what I wrote , how things have been sometimes, it's not ALL him or ALL his fault.

That doesn't mean the way he has behaved is acceptable, or that it should be tolerated.

Please don't back track, OP.

I want to hug you. He needs to leave your home.

You and your children must come first.

Try the Freedom Programme, I think it would help you a lot.

The supportive things he did for you were

he gave me courage to negotiate a reasonable divorce settlement - rather than being walked all over and then he spent the money he helped you negotiate on himself.

the courage to deal with an unhealthy work situation and confront it Phew! Imagine if you had decided to quit or take a lower paid job?! He might have had to get a job or cut back on spending or close his loss making business.

I have asked him to leave

I know this is right. it hurts a lot, I think because once again I have chosen to trust a man who can behave in a completely unacceptable way.

And it has become completely unacceptable

I need some support. I know its right, and I will follow it through

Yes, Freedom Programme as a first step. Then work from there - there's work to do and it takes time.

Re you have recognised a pattern (that you have had two abusive ltr's). It's going to take some digging to find out where that comes from. The usual place is modeling in childhood by primary caregivers.

It's going to take work to unravel the conditioning that has made you prey to abusive men. The Freedom Programme is a good start bcs it is a structured and very clear programme, a good springboard. Ime it meant long term therapy in which I slowly recognised and challenged the components that had trained me to accept abusive treatment. I also read all the books: i basically plumbed all resources to get myself free of the primal conditioning that had primed me to be a sitting duck for an abusive dynamic.

Eg I invested in therapy, read the books (Lundy Bancroft is the expert - read anything by him), immersed myself in the recovery community, attended 12-step programmes (notably CODA, recovery from codependency) (as well as other 12-step programmes to address self-medicating practises bcs of deep and established distress from childhood - distress I had been unaware of bcs to me it was 'normal' to be distressed). Etc. Everyone's journey is different - but a history of abusive relationships has very clear roots that emerge once one grasps the nettle.

Get started, op. No time like the present

And well done for getting out of this relationship. I know how hard and painful it is, well done xx

(Perhaps you'll chose another NN . you are not fucking stupid to have left this relationship. It makes me wince that you call yourself that )

Btw Lundy Bancroft is one of the experts on abusive relationships but there are many books on abusive childhood conditioning, dysfunctional families etc, recovery, distress etc etc etc. Many etcs.

What was his response? Is he going?
You've taken the first step so that's good. Sorting your own MH out will help you deal with your DS.

You have done the right thing. stay strong stick to your decision. YES it will hurt, YES you will miss him for awhile. But you need to be on your own to spend time with your boys.

By the way I don't think it's a coincidence that your eldest son who would of seen and noticed more about the way his father treated you and behaved is the one who has massive issues. I think he needs to see you being strong and doing the right thing and may respect you more for it.

I think being on your own for awhile and doing the freedom programme is a great idea. I hope your finances improve massively when he goes.

Do not feel sorry for him. You have worked hard to get what you have. He hasn't done the same and so it's his fault he has nothing. You are a very strong, brave woman!

Oh, please do change your name, I can't call you by it! I shall settle for FS for the moment, ifyou don't mind. FuckingAwesome would be a damn good name, as you are. What you have done is awesome. Brought up two young men in spite of those abusive arseholes. Now show those lads what a strong woman looks like. I bet your elder ds will settle down once the cocklodger is gone.

No,mit won't be the easiest thing in the world, but it won't be the hardest. You'll have more money. You'll have more time. You'll have more headspace. You will cope fine.

Well done you!

Well done- children must come first.

Not more - you all need support in different ways.

OP, once you have your home back as your own please take yourself and your boys to a councillor/family therapist. I know you cannot do this right now. Removal of the man from your life is priority. You can't heal or repair anything with him there. You'll get there though :)

My gut is telling me neither you or your children had chance to heal from Ex no1 and thats probably compounded your eldest's issues that really really need to be fixed as soon as you can.

to constantly steal and lie like that, It could be a way of him coping. Anxiety can lead someone to do all sorts. my boy has anxiety, steals and compulsively lies. His fear is of getting into trouble which is a bugger to deal with because I need to reprimand bad behaviour but it reinforces his internal thoughts that everyone hates him :( Its the only reason I am suggesting this for your eldest although it probably is a whole host little things.

Your soon to be EX no2 is not helping him either by locking rooms up 'because he will steal' or 'break things'. Treating someone as guilty before they have committed a crime is shitty. I get why you/ex no2 are doing it but for your son he will just think 'oh everyone thinks I'm a thief so why the hell not' I know he has history but even our own criminals get second chances. although Im not sure what chance you are at with him now

Locking the room also says to them they are not important.

You all (not Ex no2 he can do one) need a good stint with pro help for this. You can make it better and I'm sorry I'm rambling but I really do think your eldest's issues can be healed, the emotional scars will fade. Yours too! and for good measure your youngest; he will need the outlet to come to terms with his father figure being awesome, then an arse, then leaving.