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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so distressed , please help

122 replies

Fuckingstupid2015 · 05/08/2015 11:11

My name says it all really. N/C obviously ... Sad

I am early 50s. I have two kids now 17 & 14. I was divorced from my drug using exH in 2009 - a relief as he was abusive, unreliable and aggressive to the children. shortly after this I met DP.

I fell totally in love, as he did with me. He is divorced with two children (older and independent) Within a year he had moved in to my home (which I kept after the divorce, bought ExH out) . All very nice. He was very supportive to me during my divorce negotiations and in a big work problem that arose for me subsequently.

The problem is that I think he hates my kids. The elder has problems, the younger is a great kid. He won't allow them into the living room in case they damage his stuff, we have locks on the doors as the elder has previously thieved money. He is so hostile to them at times (not always but it's unpredictable).

He does not work, and had lived off me for almost 7 years. I am deeply in debt. Last year he stRted a business - it costs me every month to maintain that business.

We had an argument on Sunday and he called me a "stupid fucking cow" .. The argument was because I had bought my kids a PS4, he will not allow the elder to stay in the house unless an adult is there- but I work and am constantly under pressure to leave early so he can go to his 'business' ... I am so stressed I could scream but I cannot talk to him about it as he shouts at me and cuts me off.

I had a breakdown last year, caused I know by his behaviour to my kids. I tried to pretend it was other things but it wasn't.

I know what I need to do, but I feel sick, anxious, ill - and terrified of the loss of what was, once, such a happy relationship. I know I can't make him change, but I'm grieving for the loss of what I though I had. Please be gentle , I'm not stupid, I have a high paying professional job, and manage very well in every other aspect of my life.

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 05/08/2015 18:29

He is away until Sunday perfect, plenty of time for you to pack his belongings and change the locks!

ptumbi · 05/08/2015 18:40

he does not earn and will never do as he does not work hard enough -no, because he doesn't actually need to. You are funding him.
he is unreasonable yup, totally. And especially to your own dc.
I am afraid of his temper all the more reason to chuck him out permaently.
he will not discuss differences / issues in a reasonable way why should he? His life is pretty damn perfect,thanks - he has a cash-cow (you) and a nice house (yours) in which he can play top-dog over your children, bully that he is.
he favours one child over another what more do you need? Angry
he bans the kids from the living room (the kids do have a big room elsewhere where they can watch videos etc) how dare he ban the children from rooms in their own house? Just how DARE he? Angry

positive

he does DIY - get a handyman
he is gorgeous - good looking you mean? Only on the outside. Angry
on our own we get on really well No, you don't. He is a sponger, and a lazy C* and a bully. How can you 'get on well'? Angry
he is fiercely supportive of me - I have grown in courage since I met him - good. Your self-esteem should not be so low as to ask internet strangers if this life, your life, your childrens' lives, are ok. Or if you should get rid.

Get rid, and you will be emotionally and financially better off. And your children will not resent for not protecting them from a bully and waster. What sort of example is this waste of space setting them?

AnyFucker · 05/08/2015 18:52

on our own we get on really well

perhaps you should ask your boys to move out then

that'll please him, and perhaps he will be a bit more "reasonable" for a while

he is fiercely supportive of me

no he isn't, he has reduced you to a woman who puts her relationship with an inadequate prick before the emotional welfare of her children

will you listen to yourself

LilyMayViolet · 05/08/2015 19:01

You cannot stay with someone who marginalises your children like that op you just can't can you?

As for a grown adult not working/paying his way, well that's just absolutely pathetic. He is not gorgeous, he is taking advantage of you. The plain fact that he won't discuss things properly with you and has a scarey temper means that you can't resolve this!

I'm sure it must be incredibly daunting to do this in real life but what's the alternative?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 19:02

Away till Sunday? Would that be for business or pleasure?

LemonCream · 05/08/2015 19:05

he does DIY And this has what to do with your children?

he is gorgeous Ditto

on our own we get on really well Ditto

he is fiercely supportive of me - I have grown in courage since I met him Ditto

What does he do for your kids except bully and upset them? And him being gorgeous is more important?

No. And you know it.

Round up that courage - doesn't matter where it came from - and do the right thing for you and your children.

whattheseithakasmean · 05/08/2015 19:08

This reply has been deleted

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NerrSnerr · 05/08/2015 19:12

Seriously OP, read back your pros and cons and think of your children. They need to come first.

PrimalLass · 05/08/2015 19:23

he is gorgeous

You mean he looks gorgeous.

ReggaeShark · 05/08/2015 19:24

I can't believe you actually made that list. Any "pros" are totally irrelevant. Jesus wept!

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 19:30

christ he sounds like me ex. Was a prick to his step kids as well.

First and foremost stop his money... Do that now.

Then go from there. It's time he found another host to suck on.

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 19:32

And take the locks off the doors. I couldn't imagine not letting my kids into the living room.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 19:40

Here's your list again, OP:

negative

he does not earn and will never do as he does not work hard enough
he is unreasonable
I am afraid of his temper
he will not discuss differences / issues in a reasonable way
he favours one child over another
he bans the kids from the living room (the kids do have a big room elsewhere where they can watch videos etc)

positives

Given the above, together with the rest of what you've said about him THERE ARE NO POSITIVES and never will be for your dc while he remains under your roof.

I could weep for your boys, and probably will later. Do you ever shed any tears for them?

woowoo22 · 05/08/2015 19:40

whatthe get some empathy. The poor OP knows her situation is wrong and needs help to sort het life out.

Your post is horrid.

OP this will be the best decision you ever make, once you can relax and breathe in your own home.

Ivegottogo · 05/08/2015 19:47

He hasn't got any money whatsoever because he hasn't worked for seven years! That's his problem to sort. I bet he still won't work even if you kick him out. I know men just like this.

How can you say he is 'gorgeous?' Ive never seen him and I know he's not. That's the last word I'd use to describe such a vile man.

I don't understand how you can go along with him locking your children out of the living room. And why oh why would you put money into his account when he doesn't work?

whattheseithakasmean · 05/08/2015 19:53

woowoo I am saving my empathy for the children - you know, the real victims here, who have no choices.

I cannot feel any empathy for a useless mother who has prioritised a good looking shag over her children's well being. I have that mother and I will never, ever comprehend how she can behave as she did and does - I could never treat my own precious children with such casual disregard.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/08/2015 20:08

Unfortunately not one of your pros benefits your children in anyway.

woowoo22 · 05/08/2015 20:08

And you calling her names will help her leave the relationship?

martiniescutcheon · 05/08/2015 20:21

Jesus Christ OP in what universe is him being vile to your children being supportive of you?

janetandroysdaughter · 05/08/2015 20:26

He's lived off you for seven years but calls the shots as to who is allowed where? And you fund his business but are shouted at for choosing how to spend money you have earned?
Not good. Not balanced.

However, your breakdown sounds like it is due to a lot of things and it is unfair to blame it all on him. Your DS must be putting a huge strain on you all, including on your DP. I'm guessing DS uses too if he steals and is unreliable. I think it's only fair to acknowledge how tough it must be for your DP to have to love with someone like this. has he in any way been a SAHD to your DC? Has he supported you and them emotionally during the seven years he's lived off you financially? If not, in what way was the relationship worth keeping? What responsibility do you share in it all, in DS going off the rails etc? You're in debt but buy a PS4? Not the action of someone who is in control of her life.

I'm not taking sides but I do think that only showing half a picture of a life isn't a healthy way to deal with relationship problems, and saying your breakdown is DPs sole responsibility is unlikely, since your DS and you both show signs of having problems of your own. The sooner you own up to your own needs and problems as well as DPs and DSs the sooner you can genuinely sort them, rather than creating a new drama/crisis by throwing him out and calling him the root of it all.

You need support and a breather and then I suspect you need to make some massive and tough changes in your life. Get out of debt for a start.

gordonpym · 05/08/2015 20:27

OP, you don't have an happy relationship, you have only the memory of it.
So it is time to move on, claim you house and your kids back.

I don't think you are stupid. You know what is right you just need the confidence to do it. There are several way to do it.

Take a deep breath, a cuppa Brew and just tell him you want him out. Does he have access to your bank account or cards? Declare your card lost and ask for a new one. HE put locks for your son, now you must change the locks in order to keep him out.

He will shout as he is already shouting at you and calling you a cow. Can you ask for someone to be there with you? Can you "pretend " to go to work one morning and while he is out at his business, pack all his things and change the locks? If you don't want everything to look too Hollywoodian, just book a room for 1 night in a cheap B&B and put all his things there.

Jux · 05/08/2015 21:23

Add to the 'cons' : your children will be paying therapists fot the rest of their lives.

Are your children the same sex? What sex is the one he apparently favours?

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/08/2015 21:30

What a horrendous situation.

Good luck, OP Flowers

wotoodoo · 05/08/2015 21:55

Unfortunately there are plenty of ops who leave their own thread rather than act upon the excellent advice they have been given. Or start a new thread with slightly differing wording hoping for what they want to hear.

Hopefully this op won't be like that. But I can't help thinking that after years and years of neglecting her dc's emotional welfare she is going to find it hard to suddenly put their interests first. It would be humiliating for her to admit as well as humiliating for her to remove the parasite as she grasps at reasons why she can't throw him out: he's got no job, no home, no money.

So op, I think your ego is going to get in the way of you doing what need to do. How you've managed to live with such a bad male role model in your dc's lives is beyond belief. Can you imagine what it would be like if it was the other way round and there was a wicked stepmother who padlocked her step children out of a room in their own home?

It is like something out of a horror movie. Yet you still see him through rose tinted glasses. Have you ever taken your dc's side? Have you ever listened to their opinions? Have you ever really cared what they think?

Op this is so shocking. You actually get defensive of him instead of seeing the damage he's caused and is causing.

This money you pour into him. How much? Is he going to pay you back? That money could have been used on your dc's futures.

With any luck you will put your utter stupidity aside, take a big gulp and make the best and most wonderful decision in you and your dc's lives and get rid.

But somehow I don't think you will. :(

whattheseithakasmean · 05/08/2015 22:41

Sadly, I agree with wotodoo I don't see the OP kicking this one out any time soon. She fancies him and he can knock a nail on, so her children are just going to have to suck it up.

And the money she wastes on his non existent business is money that will never be available to help her children as they grow up and leave home. Often parents put a bit aside to help their children go to university or rent a flat (I certainly do) but this mother prefers to spend it on a man who treats her children like shit under his shoe.

I am proud to finally have a deleted post. I could write the book on selfish mothers who put their wasteful abusive partners before their children and I can feel nothing but contempt for this OP and pity for her children.

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