I am so distressed , please help

[Fuckingstupid2015]

My name says it all really. N/C obviously ...

I am early 50s. I have two kids now 17 & 14. I was divorced from my drug using exH in 2009 - a relief as he was abusive, unreliable and aggressive to the children. shortly after this I met DP.

I fell totally in love, as he did with me. He is divorced with two children (older and independent) Within a year he had moved in to my home (which I kept after the divorce, bought ExH out) . All very nice. He was very supportive to me during my divorce negotiations and in a big work problem that arose for me subsequently.

The problem is that I think he hates my kids. The elder has problems, the younger is a great kid. He won't allow them into the living room in case they damage his stuff, we have locks on the doors as the elder has previously thieved money. He is so hostile to them at times (not always but it's unpredictable).

He does not work, and had lived off me for almost 7 years. I am deeply in debt. Last year he stRted a business - it costs me every month to maintain that business.

We had an argument on Sunday and he called me a "stupid fucking cow" .. The argument was because I had bought my kids a PS4, he will not allow the elder to stay in the house unless an adult is there- but I work and am constantly under pressure to leave early so he can go to his 'business' ... I am so stressed I could scream but I cannot talk to him about it as he shouts at me and cuts me off.

I had a breakdown last year, caused I know by his behaviour to my kids. I tried to pretend it was other things but it wasn't.

I know what I need to do, but I feel sick, anxious, ill - and terrified of the loss of what was, once, such a happy relationship. I know I can't make him change, but I'm grieving for the loss of what I though I had. Please be gentle , I'm not stupid, I have a high paying professional job, and manage very well in every other aspect of my life.

What's so courageous about prioritising a supposed good looking handyman over your children, the wankers dictionary isn't a recognised or respected tome and wouldn't be approved for scrabble in our house, let alone for general reference.

You went from one abusive relationship to another. You weren't saved or supported by this man, he said and did the right things in the beginning to soften you up for the long con, which is for you to be subservient to his wishes. Letting this man continue to abuse your children in their own home is a choice and you can stop making that choice at anytime, you aren't helpless.

I haven't left. I spent the evening with my kids. They are both boys. I have read all you wrote. janetroyd you wrote a lot of sense. I will reply properly a bit later

Even in your list of cons your DC's needs came last.

Stop prioritising this nasty abusive wanker and put your poor kids first.

...and 'finding sense' in the only post that shows your abusive cocklodger any sympathy speaks volumes.

interesting that the poster you picked out, op, is pretty much the only one who offered you a way to hang on to this abusive man

shocking

Op, I'm glad you're still there. I notice the one post you have picked up on by janetandroy is the only one which says you don't have to end the relationship.

What would give you the strength to end it? What can we or someone in real life do? What are you scared of if you end it?

Cross post there with exactly the same observation.

Reading threads like this about how some women live gives me the resolve to make sure that any relationship I have in the future will be on my terms, I will never give any man my children's money and I will never move a man into my home who would mistreat them in any way whatsoever. So thanks for that op.

Do you have any outbuildings like a garage or shed? If you do, I'd systematically go through every room in the house, removing and packing everything that is his and out it all in the shed/garage, and then tell him he is going. Yes, you'll be doing him one last favour by packing for him, but at least you won't have an angry rampaging man traipsing through your house taking what he wants. Also, remove the locks and make the living room space one which is very clearly one for both children too. You really must do this before you tell him he's going. If you lose your resolve (because he's so fucking gorgeous at least you will have reaffirmed your children's place in the house before you back down.

But really, he has to go.

Just tell him. Every bit of his outrage can be responded to by "I can no longer let my children down like this" and "I cannot be with someone I'm scared to discuss anything with". Change the houselocks. Give him key to outbuilding with his stuff. Give him one week before it goes to charity /hoise clearance firm.

I am actually getting angrier and angrier reading this post. My DH's mother put her relationship with their abusive stepfather before them. He and his two brothers hate her now. When she finally divorced the man when they were teenagers the damage was done. The abuse you describe of your children was very similar to theirs. I can't emphasise enough how much they hate her, maybe hate is too strong a word. They have absolutely no feelings for her at all and long for her to be gone from this world. She is now an old woman with no friends, they all lost respect for her a long time ago for the same reasons. She is very lonely and no one cares, Karma.
Get rid of this man and try and salvage the relationship with your children, however be warned you may be too late already as they will always remember that you put him first.
My DH and his brothers are fantastic guys due to their strong survival skills and the love and support from their wives and their families. They do not consider their mother part of the family.

His behaviour is child abuse and you are colluding and supporting his behaviour. Plain and simple.
If ss were informed neither of you would have a valid defence.
Your children deserve much better, which they won't get living with you.

He is exploiting the fact that you love him more than your children.

Your children will never forget that.

Sweetheart please don't waste any more of your time on this cocklodger, be proud of the fact that yes you have been pulled into another abusive relationship, BUT you have recognised it and now you have to act on it.

You have until Sunday to get sorted. Plenty of time to get your locks changed, and make a plan.

Pack up his personal belongings, clothes, toiletries, plus a bit of bedding etc enough for immediate use.

Don't worry about the rest. It is not HIS it is yours given how you have supported him over the years and it can be sold to pay off some of your debts.

When he returns have a case out on the doorstep, ready to go. If you really feel you can't leave him with nowhere to go, ring the local Travelodge & book him in for one night to the most basic room. ( more than he is worth but if it helps you feel less ruthless)

Your boys need you to be strong, youcan do this.

He has nowhere to go? I wonder why neither of his two grown-up independent dc wouldn't take him in?

I've read your OP again and it's so clear how this man has nearly destroyed you and will destroy you (and your relationship with dc) if you let him. I think you're scared - scared to lose face and scared of his reaction when you tell him it's over. Re. losing face - love, so many of us have been blinded by love and made crap decisions - I used to rush to stop my beautiful little dd singing joyfully in the mornings because if she woke up my cock-lodging ex there'd be hell to pay...trust me, your friends/family will have sussed him and will admire you for booting him out. Re. fear - get someone round or warn the police. Your reason for ending it? He thinks you're a stupid fucking cow. Or the classic mn 'this isn't working for me'. You need have no further discussion about it. He's a con artist, not a nice man - he conned you good and proper. Boot him out then hug your lovely son's and tell them things are going to be different from now on x

I just can;t get past the fact that this 'man' is sidelining your children; pushing them out. And has done since they were -what, 7 and 10? Hugely important years.

They are banned from being in the living/family room and must watch videos etc elsewhere, on their own. They are bullied. You are scared of him - what about them? Are they scared of him? Betcha they're friggin' terrified. Why arent you protecting them?

Don't listen to someone who thinks this 'relationship' can be saved (because he's gorgeous? Not good enough. Because he makes you feel good? what does he do for your dc?)

He obviously makes an effort when it is just the two of you, to show you how lovely it would be if you only got rid of those damn kids - honestly, as a PP said, it's like a cruel step-mother fairy tale.

Thank you for all your messages.

It really doesn't help being called 'names' - although I do appreciate that some feel strongly about this - calling me a disgusting mother and whatever else, doesn't deal with the depth of my emotional distress and inadequacy that I am a) in this position (again) and b) struggling to 'escape.

Obviously I know what I have allowed him to do is wrong - I would not have posted here if I thought it was all ok, but a situation does not arise from nowhere and in a vacuum. I have allowed things that I believe to be wrong, to happen in my house, because I do not have sufficient faith in my own judgement about what is right.

That issue will still be there whatever I do. And I need to address it. I may need to address I before I can act, because right now, baying women are telling me to 'get rid' , but I have obviously not presented the full picture.

And again I KNOW this is wrong. Forget the finances for a minute, the behaviour to the kids is wrong.

DS1 is/ has been 'difficult'. The predates DP. He lies, habitually and always has, from 5 years old. Even on the face of incontrovertible evidence he will continue to lie. We have been to mental health experts, therapists, educational psychology. He is just like that, and I expect he always will be. He is my son. I love him, and I forgive him. But I do not trust him. He has stolen from me countless times, from his grandparents. he has stolen form friends and family, He was expelled from school, and has been arrested for drug possession. He is my son, I love him, but I don't trust him. This is HARD to live with. And it gets harder as he matures. He will lie even when there is no need to, and he lies to EVERYONE ( there are some women who post about partners like this and I have great empathy).

DP has been good to him in the past. He has attended school with me, been to the police, talked to DS1, taken him camping, on days out, on weekends away. he has taken him clothes shopping to gigs and to a festival. He has done a great deal more (and I mean with a good attitude) than DS's father has. In the last year he has 'had enough'. I understand this although I do not condone it. Several of my friends will not have DS in the house because he has stolen form them, my own brother has him on a 'last warning' because he has stolen. Lying and theft destroy trust in a family. I think DP's reaction is extreme, and I think it is wrong, but I have no better answers - or I have not had - and I have been at the end of my rope too.

DS2 has only ever really know DP as a father. They are very close. DP is quite tough on him, but no more than eg my brother (who is a great dad) is on his son. DS2 does quite often watch movies with me /us. he uses the living room for music practice and homework also. Again DP has done a 100 x more for DS2 than his own father.

He has been, in the past, very emotionally supportive to me. That may sound ridiculous, but he gave me courage to negotiate a reasonable divorce settlement - rather than being walked all over - the courage to deal with an unhealthy work situation and confront it.

My issue is with my own boundaries and my own self belief. I have conflict and have put up with far to much in a variety of situations and relationship without recognising when it is trampling over what I believe. Why is this ? I honestly don't know and it is not my public persona at all.

In writing here I am trying to order my thoughts, find my own boundaries and my own beliefs. I have seen fantastic support on here. I'm asking for ideas and help.

Once again. I KNOW this is wrong. But kicking him out is one thing, avoiding doing the same things AGAIN is probably where I need help

Well, take one step at a time. we are helping you taking the first, we will help you with your second.

the police will help you. Be strong for the sake of your children and yourself.You will mourn the loss of your relationship with them more than any others.

Even in that context op he is still a horrible man - living off you and not contributing a penny for seven years for example.

I understand that your son is difficult but that is completely separate from some of your issues.

You don't approve of the rules he is imposing,

My dc are 'difficult'. That's why I am not in a relationship. It is far less stressful for me to sort them out myself than let a bully boy around them.

Photocopy the post by goddess and stick it on the fridge or wherever you will see it all the time.

I'm metaphorically behind you, holding your hand and all that stuff but oh my heart goes out to your children. Involve them and please stay single for a long while to give them and you a chance at happiness.

you will not find yourself until you have got rid of him

You have to kick him out before you start considering doing this again or not. You cannot work on your self esteem until he has gone as he'll keep grinding you down. If he was such a great guy he wouldn't have lived off you for 7 years.

On a practical note, every month you are not with this man and paying for him is a month you can save for your sons futures.

Get advice from women's aid and a solicitor.
You are in a better position than some if you want to separate.
People often say "kick him out" when the OP isn't in a position to do so-but you can. It is your home and not his.

I'm always reluctant to post on relationships as there is only one aspect of the story but, from your posts he is taking financial advatage, bullying you and treating your kids horribly.
Everyone makes mistakes so don't beat yourself up but you are a mature woman with nearly grown up children, a job and a home of your own. You don't have to tolerate this. I think that its emotional support that you need.

Actually gathering strength to believe that ending this relationship is the right thing to do is what I need. Strength and belief.

And you are right, all the cards are in my hand. It is MY house, my income ....