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Original poster

In laws and my newborn. Is this weird?

113 replies

Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 10:14

My PILs are lovely. MIL probably doesn't like me as much as FIL, but still lovely. They ADORE my 10 week old DS, it's amazing. Had a few boundary issues (described on here under different user names) but I'm happy now and I love how they are with him, it's clear they're besotted.

My issue in this thread is with the wider family of ILs. They keep saying very strange things to me such as 'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!' And taking him from me?! the other day Dh's uncle said 'do you ever pinch him to wake him up?' Why would I do that? Next thing my sleeping baby is screaming in this uncles arms. Is this normal and I'm just overthinking or is it a bit odd?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 05/08/2015 12:30

Bertrand, you need to allow OP to have her own feelings about this and stop trying to make her feel like a weirdo. She had a very strong physical reaction to hearing her ILs describe her child as 'my baby' - that doesn't come from nowhere. I don't think its remotely normal to describe someone else's baby as 'my baby', even if they are your grandchild. I get why some people would take it as a joke but OP clearly doesn't - she has her good reasons for that.

OP, they are treating you dreadfully, like some kind of inconvenience. Its not something you should just have to put up with. Some people go absolutely nuts around new babies and do seem to see it as a chance to have another go at parenting or whatever. Its like they can't bear that they are not at the centre of the story anymore. People can't help how they feel - I have had complex feelings around my friends' babies for example - but its not a good idea to share those feelings with the baby's parents! So you are not being unreasonable about this at all.

Lottapianos · 05/08/2015 12:31

Bertrand, you need to allow OP to have her own feelings about this and stop trying to make her feel like a weirdo. She had a very strong physical reaction to hearing her ILs describe her child as 'my baby' - that doesn't come from nowhere. I don't think its remotely normal to describe someone else's baby as 'my baby', even if they are your grandchild. I get why some people would take it as a joke but OP clearly doesn't - she has her good reasons for that.

OP, they are treating you dreadfully, like some kind of inconvenience. Its not something you should just have to put up with. Some people go absolutely nuts around new babies and do seem to see it as a chance to have another go at parenting or whatever. Its like they can't bear that they are not at the centre of the story anymore. People can't help how they feel - I have had complex feelings around my friends' babies for example - but its not a good idea to share those feelings with the baby's parents! So you are not being unreasonable about this at all.

Lottapianos · 05/08/2015 12:31

Sorry for double post!

Liquoricetwirl · 05/08/2015 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hedgehogsdontbite · 05/08/2015 13:32

The thing is, it's irrelevant if the 'our baby' comments are innocent/normal/weird or whatever. The baby's mother doesn't like them and they upset her, so quit it. It's as simple as that.

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 13:39

"The thing is, it's irrelevant if the 'our baby' comments are innocent/normal/weird or whatever. The baby's mother doesn't like them and they upset her, so quit it. It's as simple as that."

Do you really think this? Whatever the baby's mother says, goes?

Of course she is entitled to her feelings, but it's important that we think about where our feelings come from, and decide whether it's best to deal with them ourselves, or to risk upsetting other people.
The uncle who pinched the baby- yep, find out what went on and if it was a pinch, then ton of bricks time.

But a loving grandmother talking about "my baby"? Nope- not worth making a fuss about. Apart from anything else- if there is in the future something you really need to make a stand about, the fact that you have reacted to this will significantly weaken your case.

Phoenix0x0 · 05/08/2015 13:57

I'm sorry but MIL calling her GS her baby is odd, and I would feel exactly how you would feel OP.

bert you have made your point. Stop derailing the OP's thread.

Lottapianos · 05/08/2015 14:00

How do you know she's a 'loving grandmother'? Not all mothers and grandmothers are loving nurturing types sadly. This is a woman who has banged on OP's windows, and turned up en masse for a 'family' photo which OP wasn't allowed to be a part of. Nothing 'loving' about that sort of behaviour.

OP needs to start standing up for herself and having her voice heard, not following your advice to keep schtum and not risk 'upsetting people'.

Hedgehogsdontbite · 05/08/2015 14:03

She can't be that much of a 'loving grandmother' if she persists in saying things which cause her grandchild's mother distress.

OnGoldenPond · 05/08/2015 14:11

If the ILs had just said "he's our baby" that would probably be pretty harmless, just stating that he is part of their wider family as well as your nuclear family.

Saying "he's our baby AND NOT YOURS" is very different - gives you no doubt that they are trying to sideline you. The fact they then proceeded to take a big family photo with him but excluding you leaves no doubt that they don't regard you as a part of the family. Horrible behaviour I would have been ????

My MIL can be fairly bossy and opinionated but she has never said anything like this and would never push me out of a family photo! She loves her GC to bits and has plenty of opinions on how they should be brought up Wink but she fully realises I am their mum!

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 14:32

"bert you have made your point. Stop derailing the OP's thread"

Ah. Offering an alternative point of view is derailing, is it? Hmm

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 14:51

Oh ffs leave off Bertrand. She's posting a valid point which given the op says several times in her opening post how lovely her pils are is probably not far off the truth of the matter.

This sychophantic championing of one view point or experience is not helpful and actually does a disservice to those who eloquently post a counter argument by making it a pack thing. Bertrand is as entitled to post on a thread as anyone else and if you don't like it argue your point instead of telling people to leave the thread. So rude!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 14:51

There is nothing loving about the OPs ILs behaviour; its anything but. Not all grandparents are kind and loving by any means.

They have not at all considered the fact that the OP is upset by their behaviours because they do not think they have done anything wrong in the first place. OP is very much the afterthought in his family and has been treated as such. Keeping quiet about all this is the very last thing the OP should be doing.

seagreengirl · 05/08/2015 14:56

Calling a granddaugher "my girl", and saying that a grandaughter is "my baby" are completely different. One is loving and the other is very slightly off. Can people really not get that Hmm

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 14:58

No, I don't get it seagreengirl. I would need considerably more information like tone, context and history to even begin to infer as much as you have.

seagreengirl · 05/08/2015 15:02

Well I am glad that I am sensitive enough to be able to see the difference in tone. Much less chance of alienating any future DIL that I may have.

chickenfuckingpox · 05/08/2015 15:02

next time mil describes your son as her baby wrinkle nose say yuck that brings an image of all kinds of wrong (or something like that)

seriously does no one do boundaries anymore?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 15:04

I think you may have confused "sensitive" with "imaginative" Wink

ollieplimsoles · 05/08/2015 15:09

This would really annoy me too, for the whole of my pregnancy, mil has made me feel like a baby vessel, its obvious she is only interested in getting tie me alone with the baby and she brings this up regularly.

Its put me on edge massively for the baby's arrival so I'm likely to be on high alert around her and limit her contact with my baby. To the outside world I look selfish and pfb but i know what she's like, she has a history of over bearing manipulation and I don't trust her.

Your feelings are perfectly valid op and your instincts are on the money, you should always listen to them. Remember you can always ask them to stop saying the 'hes our baby stuff' if it makes you uncomfortable, and you never have to hand your baby over to anyone just because they want to cuddle him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 15:13

You do not need either context or tone of voice to get the messages behind such comments made by OPs inlaws and wider family (particularly uncle). You did not have to be there.

These people generally are treating OPs son as their sole property; OP does not come into it as far as they are concerned, she is an afterthought. OP did not ever deserve to be not included in the family photo, no-one posting here would have liked that done to them. No-one should also put up with ill treatment from family relations; keeping quiet and not upsetting people is the last thing that should be done here.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/08/2015 16:16

My closest and long term friend calls my DD "Her baby" I dont mind that because I know she adores her. But my friend respects me as her mother and she has never over stepped the mark.

But I think in their eyes, OP just carried if and her usefulness has passed and she needs to go away.

Op you need to start being a bit lioness. Pinching a tiny baby to wake him is cruel. When they start, you show them, he's YOUR baby.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 16:48

I think you'll find my opinion regarding the uncle is quite different to my opinion about how to interpret the implied meaning behind different words posted up the thread Attila.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 16:49

My stated opinion.

Sorry sleeping child woke mid post.

Shelby2010 · 05/08/2015 22:44

and they'll be expecting to take him on days out when he's bigger

Caffeine, they've already got you brainwashed - they can expect what they like but they don't get to take your child out unless you (and DH) actually want them to.

I think I remember you previous thread, it sounds like you've got some boundaries in place but still have a way to go. Try thinking of retorts for their more frequent comments ahead of time, even if it's just 'Isn't Granny an old silly?!' when she makes comments about him being her baby. Or (if you're braver) 'Isn't Granny an old silly, sounds like she's starting to get senile already?!'.

fancyanotherfez · 06/08/2015 07:57

I think you do need to point out that there are generally no such thing as grandparents rights. Their priveledges as grandparents and access comes from you. They need to be given boundaries right now. I know my mother has a baby obsession to the point of madness that wears off when they get to about 2, so I knew it wouldn't be a long term thing, but you can't put up with this forever.