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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws and my newborn. Is this weird?

113 replies

Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 10:14

My PILs are lovely. MIL probably doesn't like me as much as FIL, but still lovely. They ADORE my 10 week old DS, it's amazing. Had a few boundary issues (described on here under different user names) but I'm happy now and I love how they are with him, it's clear they're besotted.

My issue in this thread is with the wider family of ILs. They keep saying very strange things to me such as 'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!' And taking him from me?! the other day Dh's uncle said 'do you ever pinch him to wake him up?' Why would I do that? Next thing my sleeping baby is screaming in this uncles arms. Is this normal and I'm just overthinking or is it a bit odd?

OP posts:
Needaninsight · 05/08/2015 11:38

If they are toxic and manipulative , they will cause a big scene , shout and argue , attack your Dh, say things like " she put you up to this " and " you weren't like this before you met her " . They will storm off, refuse to talk to you and sulk .

You may get phone calls from ther family members saying " MIL is ill / distraught / can't eat becaus she is so upset and how you treated her "

Wow! You could have written the script for exactly the type of behaviour my PILS showed!!!!!

And are still doing (I don't speak to them at all, but they still have some verbal contact with DH) . Toxic nutters!

Hedgehogsdontbite · 05/08/2015 11:39

I can't get past the uncle pinching your baby. I'd have ripped his fucking head off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 11:39

Bertrand,

My posts are designed to inform, not inflame as you so put it. My question was also addressed to the OP so I did wonder why you bothered to answer it. Not all wider families are as nice and kind as yours clearly is and OPs ILs are a real problem; they are inherently dysfunctional. It is a hard idea for some people to actually at all accept.

It is not the OPs fault that his parents are the ways they are.

I am also certain that your mother would not visit you and bang on your windows to try and obtain a response from you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 11:42

Thank you for your kind words Caffeine.

Unfortunately I have experience of dysfunctional families myself and the damage such people do can never be underestimated.

AskingForAPal · 05/08/2015 11:42

It's not the same (as he didn't actually carry and give birth to your child) but maybe ask him to imagine how he would feel if your family told him "The baby isn't yours, it's ours" or your brother went around telling everyone "this is my son", or there were implications to your DH that he was just a sperm donor who had done his bit to provide your family with a new baby, and could now jeff right off into the sunset.

StaceyAndTracey · 05/08/2015 11:43

Grin at need an insight

In the next episode , MIL is rushed into hospital with chest pains becaus she is broken hearted . Or is diagnosed with cancer and the specialist tells her it's caused by a recent trauma .

In a huge coincidence they are in a hospital with no visiting . Or you are only told after they have been discharged . And there is no follow up treatment .

Littleen · 05/08/2015 11:44

Wouldn't overthink so much the "our baby" thing. It might be perfectly fine, you will notice in the future if it turns in to something dysfunctional. Someone pinching my baby would never get to touch my baby again however! That's just horrible!!

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:45

Moving, actually, you're very right. Do you think I should let it wash over me and limit contact as essentially it is just an irritation and not a threat?

To pps who have noticed I'm fairly literal in my interpretation of things, it has previously been suggested that I'm on the autistic spectrum which may explain why this happens.

Hedgehogs, I don't know why I didn't do just that tbh.

OP posts:
ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/08/2015 11:47

Trust your instincts OP and get your DH to deal with them.

I'd also be tempted to respond to such comments in a similar talking to baby voice saying 'Oh (baby's name)! Granny loves you so much but she knows you belong to Dayy and me - she's just being silly. Take no notice - you're our not theirs.' Stagey eye roll and a big smile.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/08/2015 11:48

Daddy.
I have no idea who Dayy is - but don't let him near your bbay Grin

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/08/2015 11:48

Baby
Oh I give up!!!

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 11:49

"Wanting to vomit" is not a proportionate response to a perfectly usual, common saying often used by grandparents. It does people no favours to tell them it is.

If the uncle pinched the baby that is horrible and he should be pulled upon it next time he tries to hold the baby.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:50

Those Grin that made me smile. That's a Good suggestion thank you :) I will be doing this

OP posts:
ThoseAwfulCurtains · 05/08/2015 11:50

Or you could just say - 'That's a strange thing to say DMiL. Where does that saying come from?' And see if her reply makes sense.

ProfYaffle · 05/08/2015 11:53

I don't suppose they're from the North West are they? 'Our' is a term of endearment applied to any family member. Though that doesn't explain the 'not hers' bit.

Just to make you feel better - my parents were very similar to how you describe your in laws (I'm an only child, my pfb was the only grandchild at the time) But they did get better, they were only really this bad at the tiny baby stage. Once my dc got old enough to walk, talk, express opinions etc they calmed down a lot. They're still doting Grandparents but the batshit crazy stuff has stopped.

queenoftheknight · 05/08/2015 11:54

Instinct is a powerful thing. If something makes you feel sick, there is often a good reason for that. We cannot know whether it is proportionate or not, as the feeling belongs to the OP. ONLY.

Perfectly usual and common? Really? Not in my world! If someone claimed ownership of one of my babies, I would probably have a physical reaction too.

Mrsrochesterscat · 05/08/2015 11:54

Caffeine, please don't ignore your gut instinct. You know that there are more sinister implications to their behaviour, the PPs on here who have never experienced a family like this are not in a position to judge you as being over literal or too sensitive. They do not have the same experience of family life and are unable to imagine anything other than a loving and supportive family. Families come in all forms. Yours is dysfunctional.

As someone who also come from a family like this I recognise immediately what is going on here (as have others with similar experiences on this thread).

Attilas posts ring true, because they fit your situation. Listen to your gut instinct and push out all others who seek to minimise your situation.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:54

Bertrand. Are you saying if someone else was telling someone in earnest that the baby you'd just had was theirs, you would be fine with it?

OP posts:
LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:57

I'm from the north west and yes it it is very common for us to say 'ours' but I haven't heard it to the extent the OP has.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:57

Prof, I'm from the NW and 'our baby' etc is totally usual and I don't mind this. It's when they're saying 'my baby not yours' that it becomes more sinister.

Thanks to the people saying trust my instinct. My gut says this is wrong and coming from a place of dislike for me, I am an annoyance that came along with 'their' new baby.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 11:58

Do you think I should let it wash over me and limit contact as essentially it is just an irritation and not a threat?

Yes. Dh takes our DCs to see pil. I do something else. When they visit I go to work or disappear into the kitchen to cook. It helps keep my blood pressure low :)

fancyanotherfez · 05/08/2015 12:04

I can't believe people are saying its OK for people to say op's baby is theirs! No he's not! What a weird thing to say! Especially preceded by 'she thinks hes her baby' . My DM was like this when I had DS. I had to wrestle him forcibly from her arms at a family party when he was 6 weeks old to breastfeed him and she was shouting ' Hasn't he got a bottle? I'll feed him' while clinging to him. I still remember it 7 years later. It ruined my first outing to show off MY baby!

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 12:06

"Bertrand. Are you saying if someone else was telling someone in earnest that the baby you'd just had was theirs, you would be fine with it?"

No. But it is perfectly usual for some people to refer to "my baby" when talking about a baby they love. Which is why I quoted my own mother and dd. My mother didn't think she was really hers.

ScrambledSmegs · 05/08/2015 12:12

Having seen the 'our baby' thing with several friends and their IL's, I've come to the conclusion that it's not the phrase that's the issue, it's the intent.

When it comes from a welcoming, loving place and is inclusive to the mother of the child, then it's a wonderful thing to say. One of my friends loves it that her MIL proudly says 'our baby' because she tends to say it in the same way as she says 'my daughter' about my friend. She's an amazing woman and has a big heart.

However, worst MIL I've ever heard about treated DIL like rent-a-womb, tried to take newborn DC out of the post-natal ward after she'd bulldozered her way into being the first to visit (very traumatic birth, friend was pretty much immobile for days) and indignantly told the midwife who stopped her "But I'm DC's mummy" Hmm. She used the phrase 'my/our baby' as a way to exclude the child's mother and practically erased her very existence as far as the wider family on her side were concerned.

Same words, different intent. It seems like the OP suspects family of OP's husband tend towards the second of my two examples, although thankfully less extreme.

Coffeemarkone · 05/08/2015 12:18

" 'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!' "

really so with that and the photo thing, they are treating you like some kind of baby vessell?

I wouldnt put up with it.