Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws and my newborn. Is this weird?

113 replies

Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 10:14

My PILs are lovely. MIL probably doesn't like me as much as FIL, but still lovely. They ADORE my 10 week old DS, it's amazing. Had a few boundary issues (described on here under different user names) but I'm happy now and I love how they are with him, it's clear they're besotted.

My issue in this thread is with the wider family of ILs. They keep saying very strange things to me such as 'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!' And taking him from me?! the other day Dh's uncle said 'do you ever pinch him to wake him up?' Why would I do that? Next thing my sleeping baby is screaming in this uncles arms. Is this normal and I'm just overthinking or is it a bit odd?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 11:15

My mother used to refer to my dd as "my girl". When my mother died, my dd wrote on the card for her flowers - "love always from your girl".

No, Atilla- I did not feel "sick to my stomach"

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:16

I don't think they should be saying anything of the sort. It's obviously getting a bit tedious now and the question about pinching sounds strange.
Have you tried to talk to them about how you feel?

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:20

Bertrand, the 'my girl' story is lovely and I've no problem if they were to call ds 'my boy' or anything, but when Dh's aunties and uncles and grandparents are saying 'he is ours and not yours' then I start getting a bit annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:21

Particularly because I had a traumatic birth and almost died, to then be told 'jokingly' that he's not mine.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 11:22

They think they're funny. They're not.

But the question is why you care unless you think they're going to actually take him away from you? Which there is nothing to suggest they would.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:22

I think trying to talk to them will be futile as they're likely to make me seem unreasonable and fuel their dislike. I'll talk to dh

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 05/08/2015 11:23

Bertrand - I think atilla was asking the OP , not you. The OP said she felt she was about to vomit .

It's not about you or your family . It's about the Op and hers . I'm glad you are happy with how things are in your family but the Op is not happy .

AskingForAPal · 05/08/2015 11:23

Are you Kate Middleton?

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:24

I care because they are his family. And they'll be expecting to take him on days out etc when he's bigger. So I want to get on with them for his sake. But they're not making it easy

OP posts:
Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:25

Asking, that's a weird question. I'm not, no. Isn't her girl about 4 months now?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 11:26

No I meant why do you care when they say those things? I get they're annoying and not funny but what do you think the consequences of making a conscious decision to not let it bother you would be?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 11:26

Caffeine

No they are not lovely people at all.

People who have boundary issues like you have described previously will always cause you a problem, his family of origin are inherently dysfunctional. They think they can and will do exactly as they please; walking into your house uninvited and banging on windows shows a complete lack of respect towards you and your own family unit. Emotionally healthy people do not readily do such behaviours.

You need to stay well away from all of them.

Needaninsight · 05/08/2015 11:27

My PILS are odd.

They did this with our firstborn. Tried to snatch her when she was a week old. We don't see them now at all (lots of other issues too)

They have now adopted their other grandchild (!!!) and insist she calls them 'Mum and Dad' ( have written their own daughter off, SN, needs help obviously as child removed)

They just wanted another baby imo. Very very weird. And I called it 3 years ago. Go with your gut instinct.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 11:27

Caffeine, forgive me if I'm miles off but from your posts on here you do seem to take things rather literally. It is entirely possible that like some of the posts on here, you are taking a literal meaning where no literal meaning is implied.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:27

A passing comment like that can sort of go over your head but for them to keep saying it, I would be a bit peeved.

Thymeout · 05/08/2015 11:27

They're just saying that because they want to express how much they love him. They don't mean it literally. It's on a par with 'I love you so much I could eat you.' Sounds weird if you took it at face value, but nobody does because it's not factual.

The uncle? I wonder whether he's saying that your ds is so gorgeous that he could understand if you were tempted to wake him up to enjoy some interaction.

I think you're feeling sensitive because you're post-natal and insecure about your position in the family. Perhaps your dh could work on bigging you up and saying what a fantastic job you're doing to remind them to appreciate you as well as the baby.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:29

Moving, I don't find it easy to ignore people saying things like that about my son. If I ignore and don't let it bother me then it will just continue and i would rather nip it in the bud.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/08/2015 11:29

"atilla was asking the OP , not you. The OP said she felt she was about to vomit ."

I know. What I was pointing out was that it is entirely possible that the feelings the OP are having are, while real, may not be reasonable, and something that could be her issue. That people can say things such as that without being in any way pathological. This idea is not one that would remotely enter Atilla's consciousness- and her posts are always calculated to inflame, rather than inform or calm.

StaceyAndTracey · 05/08/2015 11:29

I agree you nee to talk to your Dh and not to them . You need to set boundaries with your IL and work out what you will do if they break them

Their attitude to this will tell you a lot about what's really going on

Eg if your Dh says " I'm not comfortable with you Walking into our house or banging on the window . Next time Please ring the bell and wait for us to answer "

If they are reasonable people , they will see this is a perfectly polite request and respect it . They will say " I'm sorry, we didn't mean to be rude "

If they are toxic and manipulative , they will cause a big scene , shout and argue , attack your Dh, say things like " she put you up to this " and " you weren't like this before you met her " . They will storm off, refuse to talk to you and sulk .

You may get phone calls from ther family members saying " MIL is ill / distraught / can't eat becaus she is so upset and how you treated her "

Because they will be angry at you trying to stand up for yourselves in the power battle that is how they relate to their children . And you will know what you are up against

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 11:31

"I care because they are his family. And they'll be expecting to take him on days out etc when he's bigger. So I want to get on with them for his sake".

Not a good enough reason to care I am sorry to say. You need to start caring less about them frankly because they do not give a fig about anyone but their own selves. They made your DH the golden child; that is the role they assigned to him.

Your last sentence will simply not happen because they already dislike you; any appeasement from you to them on your part will just show you as being weak in their eyes. Such people do not play by the normal rules governing familial relations. They have manipulated your H; they will manipulate your son, buy his affections and tell him that you as his mother are not good enough, nanny loves him so very much more than mummy. Do not think that scenario is at all unlikely.

StaceyAndTracey · 05/08/2015 11:32

Atilla is a highly respected and knowledgable poster , who had helped a lot of mumsnetters . Perhaps you could disagree with her without Implying that she is stupid and questioning her motives

Please stop trying to make this thread about you

AskingForAPal · 05/08/2015 11:32

Sorry, it was just a joke. What I mean by it is, they're treating you like you're just a convenient vessel to produce the next incarnation of your husband - it's horrible. You're a real person not just a photocopying machine to make "the heir".

I would speak to your husband and make sure he stands up for you. The ILs sound like they have no respect for you, and it's his job - as they're his relatives and you're the wife he chose - to make it perfectly clear that this is wrong. And if they don't, you and the baby will be seeing even less of them than you currently do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2015 11:34

Bertrand,

My posts are designed to inform, not inflame as you so put it. My question was also addressed to the OP so I did wonder why you bothered to answer it. Not all families are nice and kind as yours clearly is and OPs ILs are a real problem.

I am also certain that your mother would not visit you and bang on your windows to try and obtain a response from you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2015 11:35

Well clearly, but why?

My fil is a bore and sexist. I choose to ignore and limit our interactions rather than make a scene about it.

Another family member has issues with boundaries, so we take proactive steps to put clear boundaries in place and pick our battles.

I could react to each and every instance but because they ultimately mean well and are not dangerous (just fucking irritating!) I choose not to let it bother me. My dh is supportive and sympathetic or it would be much bigger problem in my life.

Original poster
Caffeinefreecoke · 05/08/2015 11:37

Atilla, sorry for the attack you just got, I think you're speaking quite logically and much of what you're saying is ringing true with regard to their family.

Stacey thanks for your suggestions, I'll be talking to dh asap. I've mentioned a few things that a certain one of his family members have said recently to him so this shouldn't come as much of a shock.

Asking I think you've hit the nail on the head, I was almost just a surrogate for the 'heir'!

OP posts: