5:30 am and I'm raging

[LoveLetters]

Currently 14 weeks pregnant with 2 DC. DH did coke last night against my wishes. He is still walking around at this time of the morning blowing his nose and still buzzing. This week, even though I am absolutely exhausted with pregnancy and having to keep getting up with a 2 yr old at night, he doesn't seem to care that I need help and that I'm on the verge of passing out most of the time. I have no one else around to help. He woke me up at 4am and I am so angry at haven't been able to go back to sleep. I'm going to be so ill tomorrow from lack of sleep. And oh joy... My son is now awake.
I really don't even know how to think right now.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Is there anyone around who can help you today?

I'm much softer on recreational drugs than most on MN, but I would not have anyone on, or coming down from, cocaine in the house with my children.

Nor would I want them living with a regular coke user, which is what he is.

Your children should not have to witness Daddy on a coke comedown. That is no life for them.

[gamerchick]

Send him to recover somewhere else. Having him asleep in bed while you do the slog will put you in a foul mood your kids will pick up on.

[nottheOP]

For you, maybe try kids cinema this morning? 90 minutes sitting down is a bit of downtime as a parent.

For the relationship, have you communicated that you're tired and struggling and don't want him to go out on a big one? That you don't want to pick up the slack for a day? That drugs are a complete no?

All this needs to be explained in a calm sober conversation.

[juneau]

I'm not usually one for ultimatums, but if this was me I'd make him choose - the coke or you and the kids. And if he chooses you and then uses coke again, for goodness sake kick him out. He's being selfish and childish and you're the one suffering because of it.

[juneau]

Also, with regards to his stash - I'd tell him to either get it out of the house or you'll call the police to bring in sniffer dogs and find out. You need to get tough OP.

[TheCowThatLaughs]

I doubt he's got any left. Coke tends to hold the attention until it's all gone. If there is any left he needs to make sure it's not where your son can find it though. Sorry it sounds awful for you, what a dickhead.

[heyday]

The coke using and the unhelpful partner are longer term issues that need to be worked through. The biggest issue right now is getting through today. I suggest you set the kids up with as many activities as possible, bowls of water with toys in the garden (if u have one), painting, cooking you just need to keep them occupied and then have movie time this afternoon. Snuggle up, draw the curtains and put on their favourite movie, hopefully they will drop off for a little while and you can catch up with a little sleep or get some much needed rest at least.
The other problems are going to be much harder to solve and there are many signs that the road ahead is not going to be an easy one sadly.

[spudlike1]

Ultimatum time ...and make sure you mean it .

[wafflyversatile]

How come he has recently taken this up? What changed?

[Justbatteringon]

How dare he take coke while you and your child are in bed sleeping. I'm pretty lenient on drug use but to do it under your nose while you're shattered it's not on. You need to tell him next time he gets the urge he may find somewhere else to do it and be willing to take up more than his fair share of the work after to make up for it.

That's only if yourselves can afford this new addiction of his, and I wouldn't bother waiting until he dies to tell his family tell them now they might give him the kick up the arse he needs to quit this habit.

[mcdog]

A father doing class A drugs in the house with children is a safeguarding issue also. You need to get really tough with him before you are forced too. I don't have any experience of living with a drug user, but have dealt with it professionally. I feel for you, as you and the kids are caught in the middle :( but you do have the power to change this situation.

[MrsHathaway]

If you think he has a stash then you can have no confidence he will stay clean.

Can you kick him out to his parents and tell them why? In most families that would work because they'd both give him an almighty and humiliating bollocking and it would underline how much he has to lose and how childish he's being.

This is a new habit (we are assuming) and unacceptable on all counts, financial, health, legality, etc. He stops or he loses you all.

Shame you didn't video him on your phone. Perhaps do some filming today when he's useless, so he can't deny it later.

Good luck OP. Hope you get a rest today.

[LaurieFairyCake]

If you can afford coke then you can afford a days childcare/play scheme so you can go back to bed.

Maybe a cleaner too. And a pregnancy massage.

[Northernlurker]

I agree. Throw him out and be clear this behaviour is relationship ending. Either it stops or he goes. You're better off without somebody in that state.

[BeaufortBelle]

Slightly different advice from me. My DD is only 17. If she were in this situation I would want her to pack and come home with the children for as long as it took to get back on her feet. We would support her emotionally and financially through the divorce and if there was a chance of recovery reconciliation would pay for The Priory, support that too.

Can you turn to your parents OP? I'm always aghast so few on here can.

Hugs and flowers

[spudlike1]

I agree with Mrs Hathaway tell.nearest and dearest ( family etc.) You are supporting his coke habit by keeping this a secret for him.

[pocketsaviour]

Coke and parenting REALLY don't mix. (Not that any drug does, really, including alcohol, but coke comedowns are vicious and no child should have to experience a parent shouting and snapping at them because the parent decided to shove a load of money up their nose the night before.)

OP, you said this started at Xmas - do you know what prompted it? Works night out or some new friends? Do you know where he gets it from?

You said he only does it every couple of months - are you definite on that?

[AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned]

what if your dc finds his stash first?

[LastOneDancing]

beaufort that's a lovely post. Your daughter is very lucky.

I hope you have the same support OP

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

I really feel for you, this must be horrible.

Not telling people is allowing him to continue this. Tell your family, you need the support. Tell his family so they can be on board with trying to sort this mess out.

The most important thing is that this is a safeguarding issue. He needs to know that if this were reported to SS, they would be interested. I know of someone who nearly lost their child because people were doing coke in their house when her child was in bed. For various reasons the police got involved, then social services, then employers. Jobs were lost because of safeguarding and she was only allowed to keep her son if she moved in with her parents. Other people lost their jobs simply for being there and not reporting to the police (safeguarding children was part of their jobs). It was a real mess. It's really no joke and people will have little sympathy (rightfully so). He needs to know that you will do whatever it takes to protect your children.

[tellmeofthetime]

How do you tell his and your families that he died from drug abuse ? Try easing them in gently by saying you've left him because of drug abuse. That should start the ball rolling.

[tellmeofthetime]

Beaufortbelle - a big amen to that.

[tellmeofthetime]

Lauriefairycake - drug abuse is ok as long as the kids go into childcare the day after and mum gets a massage ?? Really ??

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

Stop protecting him, tell your families. What if your dc found his stash? It is a safe guarding issue.

[acatcalledjohn]

I have a friend who refuses anything other than fully supervised contact between her ex and their DD, because the cunt does coke.

He is a complete and utter liability, and you cannot have someone like that around children. So for the sake of your children you should get out. If he ends up owing a dealer money, your children could end up in danger.