This can't be right...

[allwornout]

I am a regular but have changed my name as this is quite personal.
2 weeks after our second baby was born my DH came into the room saying something had happened and an ?opportunity? had arisen which should be considered while I was off work for the next few months. He then proceeded to tell me that he had come across an adult chat website a few months ago and had got into conversations with a female with a view to a threesome.
I was gobsmacked ? we had a new baby. He had joined this website under the guise of it being his wife ie me looking for a threesome. When I said there was no way I would do this and expressed my disbelief that he gone this far he said it was because years ago I had led him to believe that I may be up for this sort of thing. He is referring to fantasy talk we may have had during our own sex. For me any talk like that ( it was like over 10 years ago) was pure fantasy to spice up our sex life never an intention to go through with. I think those situations are very dangerous for relationships. We had a heated row after which I felt like if I didn?t go along with it I would be neglecting to nurture our sex life and to take it beyond the ordinary. The subject was dropped for a while but resurfaced several times over the past few months with questions like ? Are you ready for your affair?? If I just said no we would have to have a long discussion/argurment about why I should.
Admittedly the months previous to the baby being born were fairly quiet on the sex front (not completely absent but I felt sick pretty much the whole of the time and frankly just not up for it), but after this discussion I made more effort to the point now where I feel if I am not up for it (and proactive in making it more interesting like dressing sexy etc) pretty much every day I get a huffy hubby.
Anyway the long and the short of it is I feel pissed off to be under that kind of pressure and wonder whether I am justified to be pissed off about it.
I could go on with a lot of background but that might bore anyone who may have read so far and might feel like commenting. I?m happy to fill in details as asked.

It's not just his unreasonable behaviour which precludes him from getting help from his local authority. As a single, fit (i.e. no special needs, disabilities, etc.) male, he just will not accrue sufficient points to be made a priority. He will have to sort out his own accommodation - although, given his financial situation, he may be eligible for housing benefit. Before taking on any property, he can ask for a Pre-Tenancy Determination, which will tell him how much benefit he is likely to be awarded on any specific property.

I've only just seen this thread & really feel for you. Your husband sounds hideous & you have definitely done the right thing.
I admire your strength & wish you lots of luck.x

Have been in a similiar situation re verbal bullying-drunk, Scared in bedroom waiting for the shit to start.Telling him "shhhhh, you'll wake the kids, and yes ok i'll do it, just shut up etc etc" Wrote him a long letter and posted a copy to our solicitors. Dh told me it was me not him, and if someone tells you enough times you're wrong, you'll believe it. Look at abused women in shelters, how much did they take before they got out? You stay because of the kids and it's not that bad, is it? It's not like he hits me is it? Well, mental abuse is as bad if not worse than physical abuse because the police can take photos of bruises but no-one can see your brain being battered and bruised, and your confidence going down the pan. Yes, outwards, we can all be confident women but it's a lie and we know it. Mothers are born the minute we have our children and we are handed a parcel of joy and guilt. Look at all the stuff here, are we feeding them right, playing with them , smacking/non smacking, schools etc etc.... Women have to split themselves into pieces and men (sorry, not too general) are not programmed to be that unselfish. Dh got more and more abusive and teeling me I'm crap. My answer is to him stop drinking so much. He only kicks off when he hasn't had sex for ages (to be fair, weeks and weeks) and I decided that it's a two way thing. I need to take more time for me and get in the mood, but four kids and a business don't help. BUT and I mean BUT no-one has the right to bully you into sexual gulit or subm,ission and you're a mum. Kids come first and men have to be men, they're dads too and should respect you as their wife and the fact that you gave birth to their kids. Just because you're the breadwinner, don't feel guilty about it. He has to learn that stuff is earned not just given and being honest WTF is he doing down the gym?!! He needs to grow up. HappyDaddy, I love you. You're an honest man and you could make it up from a man's point, doing the bullshit stuff, but you don't and I respect you.

allwornout - how are you today?

Wow thanks for all your messages. Jollyhollymum you could so be me! I took Friday off sick because I was in pieces on Thursday. He has been calling me loads ( I keep my phone on silent) and I just text him back but he is trying to get me to reconsider going down the divorce route by saying I will go bankrupt, it will detrimentally affect the children, DS1's schooling which starts next year, he needs to work on the house, we should try and work things out etc etc etc.
Says he has found 4 flats (all way above any price range I may consider). 2 bedroom ones because "the judge won't accept any less for overnight stays for the children" (how does he know that?)
His own father will now not deal with him anymore because he has been giving him loads of verbal for an hour on the phone. His dad got ill again (he has a heart condition.

I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow armed with all my notes and I'm going to try and sell my car to fund it.

Sorry I've rambled on but this is very therapeutic.

A big 'well done' from me for throwing him out.
Don't do anything drastic (like sell car)until you have spoken to your solicitor.
And take no notice of his pleading and hoo-ha - he is realising he has gone too far this time and trying every trick he can think of to save his bacon. His, not yours, of course.

Thanks blu. I am scared of the road ahead and sometimes I question wether this is the right thing but the alternative is just worse.

You have no obligation to fund his housing- none whatsoever.... If he can't financialy support himself then that's his look out. I take it he is not the a stay at home dad? The bollocks he has told you about judges and 2 bedroomed flats and being able to take you to court is just that- bollocks!
He is still trying to bully and manipulate you into getting what he wants (ie for you to support him in a two roomed place). He has not a leg to stand on so tell him to go to hell. Know its really hard and you have been sooo super strong already but please please don't give him any money. Lots of peopel here will offer encouragment and support as we all admire your stregnth.

You and the children's housing needs will come first unless you work and he's a stay at home father. Don't worry.

He's abusive and manipulative.

He's still trying to control you.

Take you to the High Court, my arse!

If you're in Scotland, that's only for criminal matters, anyhow, and splitting up w/an emotinally abusive partner isn't a criminal offense.

Get some self-esteem help as well.

You've been emotionally abused by this sad low life.

Thanks so much for your continuing support.
I saw the solicitor today and have instructed to go ahead with divorce proceedings but I feel sick to the stomach.
Xenia he was the sahd and I am the breadwinner.
To be honest I think he is scared and trying to hold on.
I keep telling him 2 beds unnecessary. Am waiting for the sol to advise me re housing for him. I don't want to be a complete monster.

Looking out for YOURSELF and your children, and putting them No. 1 financially is NOT 'being a monster'.

Anyone who treats his/her spouse the way he did is the monster, so don't fall for that load of tosh.

You pay a solicitor for their advise, as they know what they're talking about it, so follow that advise when you get it. The solicitor is looking out for your best interests.

Your spouse is looking out for his sorry bum.

Spot the difference?

advice. sorry.

i see red when i see people being treated like this.

Morning.
I have told him that I have instructed sol to start proceedings. I think he is fuming.
He has been texting me (I won't pick up his calls) to reconsider and that I have acted illegally by making him homeless and making false allegations, that I have to reconsider for the kids's sake, that I have an anger management problem (??!!) etc etc.
It's making me feel sick to the stomach.

All part of his anger at having lost control of his whipping post.

Sorry, but this is the CLASSIC behaviour of an abuser, trying to make you feel bad about taking back YOUR control.

Keep in contact w/your solicitor. Your solicitor knows the law regarding these things, after all.

If he were so concerned about the kids' sake he wouldn't have acted the way he did.

I mean, re-read your OP.

This perv lied on an adult website and then tried to pressure you into unwanted sex.

Expat i try to keep in mind all the stuff he has said and done in the past and stay angry. It helps to make me feel strong so I don't give in.
Thanks so much for your support.
Dinosaur, I am in London.

Well, do CAT me if you would like details of solicitor or if there is anything else I can help with. I work in the City and am very happy to meet you for lunch/coffee if you would like.

I think you are doing brilliantly and am full of admiration.

AWO - hang in there. You need to cut the cord for yourself. By maintaining any degree of financial responsibility you're maintaining a relationship and he doesn't deserve one with you.

TBH from seing friends and family go through this as long as you can provide alternative childcare surely any judge is going to tell an adult male to get off his arse and earn his own keep, particularly with a history of drinking like this. (equally to a woman tbf as has recently happened with a friend's divorce).

Watch out for him badmouthing you to your 'side' as it were. You've taken control and he's going to try to do everything to get it back and make you take responsibility for his sorry little self again.

Might help to write down the areas and parameters you will engage in discussion with him on - like you would at work, so maybe on sale of property or childcare but not on why he's lowlife scum who has had an easy life too long. Think of him as a particularly difficult customer/supplier before evry meeting and prepare accordingly. He'll hate this but will ensure you retain control. Document everything agreed and discussed after you meet.

Prob feels like hell right now - but this is a finite not infinite period of your life, and thats got to be better all round.