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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This can't be right...

118 replies

allwornout · 22/11/2006 14:20

I am a regular but have changed my name as this is quite personal.
2 weeks after our second baby was born my DH came into the room saying something had happened and an ?opportunity? had arisen which should be considered while I was off work for the next few months. He then proceeded to tell me that he had come across an adult chat website a few months ago and had got into conversations with a female with a view to a threesome.
I was gobsmacked ? we had a new baby. He had joined this website under the guise of it being his wife ie me looking for a threesome. When I said there was no way I would do this and expressed my disbelief that he gone this far he said it was because years ago I had led him to believe that I may be up for this sort of thing. He is referring to fantasy talk we may have had during our own sex. For me any talk like that ( it was like over 10 years ago) was pure fantasy to spice up our sex life never an intention to go through with. I think those situations are very dangerous for relationships. We had a heated row after which I felt like if I didn?t go along with it I would be neglecting to nurture our sex life and to take it beyond the ordinary. The subject was dropped for a while but resurfaced several times over the past few months with questions like ? Are you ready for your affair?? If I just said no we would have to have a long discussion/argurment about why I should.
Admittedly the months previous to the baby being born were fairly quiet on the sex front (not completely absent but I felt sick pretty much the whole of the time and frankly just not up for it), but after this discussion I made more effort to the point now where I feel if I am not up for it (and proactive in making it more interesting like dressing sexy etc) pretty much every day I get a huffy hubby.
Anyway the long and the short of it is I feel pissed off to be under that kind of pressure and wonder whether I am justified to be pissed off about it.
I could go on with a lot of background but that might bore anyone who may have read so far and might feel like commenting. I?m happy to fill in details as asked.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 22/11/2006 14:51

well it is certainly not you allwornout!!

I'd be furious about the pictures as well.

Has he lost use of his hands? Can't he piss off and go and sort himself out?

Also, using your past (where you were abused) to accuse you of being repressed and not up for what he wants is just disgusting and really awful and manipulative.

LoveMyGirls · 22/11/2006 14:52

He is joking right????????!!!!!!!! no bloke can be as insensitive as that, come on, you've just had a baby you can't even have sex for at least the next 6 weeks, you have a baby to get used to, a new life - he cannot possibly be serious.

if i were you i would have a screaming hormal rage at him.

his is off his rocker if he is actually serious about this.
after baby you don't exactly want to pounce on your partner never mind anyone else you may feel insecure about your new body image - it takes some women months - yrs to accept their new womanly figure, what makes him think you are going to be ready to share it with a stranger, he has lost the plot and is being incredibly selfish. i would have no qualms about shouting at him about that. This is even if it actually something you would consider under normal circumstances.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/11/2006 14:54

You know, on these sorts of threads, someone normally has a devil's avocado moment and comes on and sees some point to the bloke's perspective.

I will eat my hat if that happens here.

joelallie · 22/11/2006 14:58

Too right NCQ! I don't think there could be another viewpoint could there....

What an arse.....

rickman · 22/11/2006 14:58

Message withdrawn

Rhubarb · 22/11/2006 14:59

"devil's avocado" - pmsl!

Iklboo · 22/11/2006 15:02

Tell him when you said you fancied a threesome, you meant with another bloke cos you'd really like to see him taking it up the rear and giving another bloke a BJ.

See what kind of dent THAT puts in his little plan.

What a f*cking w@nker!

Original poster

allwornout · 22/11/2006 15:06

NQC, no his family is completely disfunctional. His mother had mental health issues and he is only on just about civil terms relationship with his dad. They are more like friends (not close friends) than father and son and he and his sister have not spoken for over 10 years.
Firefly, when we row I accuse him of being a bully. Thing is, he accuses me of the same and of being controlling and selfish so we get nowhere really.
I am quite sad about it all because he can also be a very sensitive and thoughtful person but it just doesn't sit right and now I don't know that I really have the energy to do much about it again. The first time we split up (I left) left us in a lot of debt and when things are good he's a good man. We now have a beautiful little baby as well as our 4 year old and neither of us really want to break up a family but like I said our issues always remain the same.
Oh, I was trying not to but now I want to cry.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 22/11/2006 15:07

allwornout, there's a pattern here isn'y there? It sounds as if every time a baby comes along, he becomes more demanding of you, as if he's jealous or can't handle the change and the fact that a new baby needs you more. He sounds very insentitive and even cruel. As for the stuff about your childhood abuse - that is awful. The only thing he should ever, ever have to say about that is that he would never make you do anything you don't want and he'll be sensitive in bed so as not to uspet you. Sounds like the opposite is happening. And if he's still getting sex every day, he is getting soooooooooooooooooo much more sex than most men with two small children coould ever dream of! He's ground you down the the point where you think he might be being reasonable - he so isn't. Tell him all this straight once and for all. Or leave him. I'd be extremely surprised if he got as much sex elsewhere as he's getting now.

Oh and he thinks if he meets Ms Threesonme off the internet, she'll be nice and accommodating and you'll all have a jolly time together? He's an idiot. She'll probably be 59 with a handlebar moustache and be mad as a snake. Honestly, what a twerp.

Rhubarb · 22/11/2006 15:08

Relate.

Even if he won't go, you have unresolved issues that are just going to come around time and time again. Go on your own and invite him each time. Even if he never goes, it will help you and will strengthen you against his bullying ways.

Don't give up. You are not the one who is wrong here, he is.

costababe · 22/11/2006 15:10

God I would be absolutly livid if my man was posting pics of me on the internet, have u challenged him about this?
Dont let him make you feel that you are the one with the problem, he is bang out of order.

LemonTart · 22/11/2006 15:11

Absolutely NQC. There is no other reasonable and rational viewpoint on this one. Outrageous.
Interesting that it should be soon after the birth of your first child that your relationship was on the rocks and then this happens after your next baby. Do you think there is a link in there at all, maybe he feels jealous of your role as a mother or that he might not be coming first (no pun!!). I know my DH had a wobble when we found out I was pregnant with DD1 (nothing like this, just nearly went off the rails in terms of fidelity, frightened himself and admitted all to me fortunately..)
Whatever the possible reasons for it/trigger points etc, he is so far out of line. Huffy hubby??!!!! My God, if mine pulled that one out of the bag he would not only have had a blazing row but a long term huffy wife while I slowly digested it and decided on the future of our relationship..
Don?t you dare question yourself in this. He was def very out of order.

Original poster

allwornout · 22/11/2006 15:14

Snowleopard, he is not getting it everyday but the longer without you know a huffy is around the corner.
Re the jealousy of new babies, I think that's true but because I am the breadwinner he looks after the children and I am often reminded that I am very lucky as most husbands wouldn't do that. Cue, argument on roles in marriages.

It's just so bloody tiring.
I must admit though, I can be selfish and lazy and dizzy at times but still.

OP posts:

Original poster

allwornout · 22/11/2006 15:19

You are all starting to make me feel better now. Thanks. I have waited months to get this off my chest. The trouble is what do I do now. Is is worth upsetting the children. I have mentioned Relate but he says we've done that and that I should get counselling to get to the bottom of and overcome my sexual issues. I did actually see a counsellor on my own a couple of years ago to talk about everything and anything.It was quite therapeutic. Hubby thinks it was about the abuse and that I shouldn't have stopped going ( couldn't afford it anymore)

OP posts:

LemonTart · 22/11/2006 15:26

He has got a warped view of normal sexual relations if he thinks that you not wanting a threesome is wierd!! Don?t let his perspective cloud your judegement and whatever you do, do NOT let his persistence bully you into going along with it all because you are worried you have the problem or that you might lose him.

How about asking him to go to a counsellor with you to discuss it all and let a professional impartial person get to the bottom of exactly who is being unreasonable? If he is so convinced you have the problem, then a neutral person should vindicate it for him and help you overcome your difficulties!! If you challenge him, do you think that he would fall for it and go along - and hopefully get help into realising that his behaviour is the problem, not yours.
Just a thought

Megglevache · 22/11/2006 15:32

Message withdrawn

Megglevache · 22/11/2006 15:35

Message withdrawn

HappyDaddy · 22/11/2006 15:41

I tell you what, tell him that unless he starts behaving like an adult and not a completely insensitive tosser, he'll never get sex with you again. Let alone a threesome.

This doesn't sound like it's about the threesome at all. It's about him being immature and bullying because you have to give some of your attention to your new baby. Maybe he should try it too, he might like being an adult.

joelallie · 22/11/2006 15:43

But weird or not Megglevache, don't you think that a few weeks post-partum is a very odd time to suggest it??? I think the baby jealousy is a strong possibility...

HappyDaddy · 22/11/2006 15:43

If he's that into the threesome thing, I'll put on a wig and heels and give him a ride he'll never forget. That'll put him off for a bit!

Megglevache · 22/11/2006 15:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster

allwornout · 22/11/2006 15:48

Megg,
I left him when our first was 5 months old following a blazing row which got out of hand ie violent. He has, in my opinion, a drink problem which he sort of admits to but doesn't think its that bad. He thinks he's a binge drinker, I think he's an alcoholic. He went to a counsellor once who told him he didn't think he was an alcoholic but a bit of a binge drinker. He can easily drink a wine box in one night and has a drink most nights. When he doesn't he seems to feel positively virtuous. He agrees he drinks too (but also thinks he's a responsible drinker ie doesn't drink drive or if has sole charge of kids) much but won't let me mention it or if I pull him up about it it usually sparks a row so I don't bother anymore but I can see the pattern. Often goes like this am: offers to go to shops for things we need which really means booze. Comes back with shopping plus booze and starts drinking in afternoon. I know that if he starts in the afternoon he won't stop until he either runs out or passes out so I get edgy. He can sense my edginess and as he gets more drunk becomes more defensive and volatile (mentally rather than physically IYSWIM). I start to switch off which annoys him and it usually ends in huffiness (because he gets all amorous and smutty and me just hoping he would just pass out) until the next day.
I really have painted an awful picture of him now.
By the way, I drink too but 2 glasses of wine are enough to send me to sleep.

OP posts:

Megglevache · 22/11/2006 15:51

Message withdrawn

Original poster

allwornout · 22/11/2006 16:17

Yet he loves the kids and looks after them well.

OP posts:

sleepfinder · 22/11/2006 16:28

ERm, forgive me for being sceptical, but your writing style is very similar to the woman who wrote about her "hubby" using porn / visiting an uncle in Ireland etc...

are you the same one?

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