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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This can't be right...

118 replies

allwornout · 22/11/2006 14:20

I am a regular but have changed my name as this is quite personal.
2 weeks after our second baby was born my DH came into the room saying something had happened and an ?opportunity? had arisen which should be considered while I was off work for the next few months. He then proceeded to tell me that he had come across an adult chat website a few months ago and had got into conversations with a female with a view to a threesome.
I was gobsmacked ? we had a new baby. He had joined this website under the guise of it being his wife ie me looking for a threesome. When I said there was no way I would do this and expressed my disbelief that he gone this far he said it was because years ago I had led him to believe that I may be up for this sort of thing. He is referring to fantasy talk we may have had during our own sex. For me any talk like that ( it was like over 10 years ago) was pure fantasy to spice up our sex life never an intention to go through with. I think those situations are very dangerous for relationships. We had a heated row after which I felt like if I didn?t go along with it I would be neglecting to nurture our sex life and to take it beyond the ordinary. The subject was dropped for a while but resurfaced several times over the past few months with questions like ? Are you ready for your affair?? If I just said no we would have to have a long discussion/argurment about why I should.
Admittedly the months previous to the baby being born were fairly quiet on the sex front (not completely absent but I felt sick pretty much the whole of the time and frankly just not up for it), but after this discussion I made more effort to the point now where I feel if I am not up for it (and proactive in making it more interesting like dressing sexy etc) pretty much every day I get a huffy hubby.
Anyway the long and the short of it is I feel pissed off to be under that kind of pressure and wonder whether I am justified to be pissed off about it.
I could go on with a lot of background but that might bore anyone who may have read so far and might feel like commenting. I?m happy to fill in details as asked.

OP posts:

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 12:19

Thanks. At the moment he is staying in a guest house which I am paying for until Friday. I am trying to find a studio flat for 6mths and then he is on his own but I have not yet been able to speak to a solicitor. I think this is fair is it not? He has no job. But I will be in so much debt.

OP posts:

Scootergirl · 28/12/2006 12:22

Can't he get any help from the council? If this really is it for the two of you then you don't want to be in debt for years because of it. Might this force him to get a job?

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 12:28

He can't get any help from council because he has no job so yes this will surely force him to get a job and I guess I am giving him 6 mths breathing space to do so. I have just spoken to him because there is somewhere available to view today (he needs shelter by Saturday)but he says he won't be pushed into anything and I am bullying him(?!)and that I am "facing a false arrest" what does that mean?

OP posts:

Scootergirl · 28/12/2006 12:35

I don't want to pry but what did he do on Christmas Eve to be arrested? Say it's none of my business if you like but if it involved threatening you or the children in any way then he should definitely be on his own from now on and could sleep under a bench IMO. I hope you're not feeling too sad x

Freckle · 28/12/2006 12:35

I really don't think it is your responsibility to pay for his housing when he made himself homeless by his drunken abusive behaviour.

He is unlikely to be housed by the local authority. If he has no income, he should apply for the appropriate benefits and may then qualify for housing benefit. His first priority is to look for a job so that he can stand on his own two feet rather than sponge off you when you have yourself and 2 kiddies to consider.

Well done on taking the stand that you did. It must have been dreadfully hard.

fortyplus · 28/12/2006 12:40

allwornout - Only just seen this, so I thought I'd offer what I hope you'll find supportive comment...
I wouldn't have had a problem with a casual remark about whether you were up for a 3-some, but you've gone on to show that there is far more of a problem in this man's head than wanting to spice up your love life.
Even the remarks about him getting huffy if he doesn't have sex every day make him sound like a total prat.
It sounds as though you have done the right thing by bringing this to a head. Of course it will be hard for your children - hopefully they will still have a meaningful relationship with him - don't be tempted to use them as a weapon against him.

My mum has just arived so I'll be back later...

allnearlyoverforanotheryear · 28/12/2006 12:47

Have read the OP but not all the posts, just the first few. Have got two words for you, allwornout - DUMP HIM. He clearly has no respect for you as a person, or for your need to privacy, and intimacy between the two of you only. He obviously thinks he's still a 'largin it' lad with no responsibilities. He has a family now, and an example to set. You and your children will be better off without him. I can't stand men like this, who do they think they are? We all have fantasises, but they're meant to be just that. Unless of course you're single and can go off and shag a fireman or whatever.

allnearlyoverforanotheryear · 28/12/2006 12:50

Ah, just read the recent posts. Sounds like you've given him his marching orders. Well done. Don't be bullied into anything like funding him financially etc.

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 13:26

Have managed a brief chat with a solicitor who has told me to ignore all threats, comments etc. He has a right to be in the family home unless there is an exclusion order (which he will apply for in the new year). He says if I pay for a studio it may be seen that I can afford it and he could apply for maintenance from me for ever.
Have been on the phone to DH no H who says he is prepared to discuss but I am being unreasonable that he has a problem with my temper and attitude. I have texted him to say he can do the footwork of finding accomodation on Sat.
I am crying into my keyboard.

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swiftybaby · 28/12/2006 13:32

oh bless you - I dont know what to say to you. God he sounds horrid. i think paying for a studio is a bad idea. make him stand on his own two feet and get a bloody job

NotQuiteCockney · 28/12/2006 13:34

Oh, poor you. I don't know what happened on Xmas Eve, but obviously if the police have arrested him, he was well out of order.

Please don't get drawn into paying for more accommodation for him. It sounds like he's an alcoholic, and from what I know, alcholics need to find rock bottom before they can start sorting themselves out (far away from you, in this case!).

He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Again, away from you. If he has a problem with your temper and attitude, then maybe, again, he should stay away!

Do you have local friends and family to support you?

Freckle · 28/12/2006 13:37

How serious was the incident when you called the police? If H was violent, then your solicitor could apply straight away for an exclusion order - why wait for the New Year?

Do be aware that H may choose to claim maintenance from you anyway. Married couples have a duty to maintain each other financially, a duty which extends beyond divorce. If you are the breadwinner, he can claim maintenance from you for himself. I suspect a court would want to know why he isn't working though.

Don't get yourself into debt trying to help him. He is responsible for his situation and you mustn't let him try and guilt-trip you into thinking he is your responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2006 13:40

allwornout

If you pay for a studio you just enable him further along with from putting yourself in debt. Don't be his enabler (you seem to be very responsible towards him) any more and certainly don't let your children continue to see this dysfunction. They don't need it in their lives and you certainly do not.

Did any alarm bells re him ring a long time ago?. His family background is very dysfunctional however, such people can come across as very charming to others. He was probably very charming to you in the early days.

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 13:45

Oh thanks everyone. I too think he should stand on his own 2 feet but he will literally be without a roof on Saturday night. He has no friends and his Dad who lives in Devon but has a heart condition has said he won't have him because he is too difficult. I worry that I am doing something unlawful by not letting him back or paying for somewhere until I get a court order next week. Also if it was me out in the cold I'd be devastated not to see my children.

I have friends (a family) nearby but they are kind of mutual friends so don't really want to tell them yet and a cousin who is also good friends with him. My mum thankfully was staying at Christmas and has agreed to extend her stay and babysit while I work but she is not young anymore.

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Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 13:55

Yes alarm bells have been ringing for years. Christmas Eve was just the last but not particularly the worst straw. It was mainly verbal abuse for 2 hours. He was drunk the night before and fell asleep in the chair when I went up to feed the baby. I returned 10mins later to find him slumped. He woke 2 hours later and poked and prodded me (asleep now with DS1 next to me)and angrily said I had been gone 2 hours and why was DS not in his bed and thanks for a crap night and as usual I can't be bothered and on and on and on( peppered with a few expletives and name calling). In the end I went back to sleep(well tried) because I couldn't carry on listening to it. Next morning he woke up at 10 and expected me to talk to about it but by 10.30 he had already poured himself a calvados and started shouting at me and poking me in the arm in the kitchen. This went on for 2 hours ( my mum heard it all)I wouldn't answer him. He was goading me into calling the police so I called his bluff and called them.

OP posts:

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 13:56

Attila , you are so right he can be charm personified. My cousin calls him her "diamond geeza".

OP posts:

swiftybaby · 28/12/2006 13:57

he is not yur responsibility though. Why should you have to sort out his housing? Does he have no money of his own with which to sort himself out?

swiftybaby · 28/12/2006 13:58

he sounds vile- you have done the right thing. You and your children are better off without him

Original poster

allwornout · 28/12/2006 14:10

No he has no money. Have just listened to a message from him where he says that I am trying to make him do something and that I am only ever prepared to do things my way. WTF I am just trying to give him a roof over his head but whatever.
He says we should meet somewhere neutral and public to discuss things. If I try to make out I have done loads to find him accomodation he will say I haven't and if I make him homeless he will take me to the high court.
(Sorry if too much detail but it helps me to write this and also I can print it out as notes with times for later).
Also he was in the gym doing a 1 1/2 hr work out when I interrupted him .
I am at work.

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swiftybaby · 28/12/2006 17:28

darling if he wants to take you to court then let him, he hasnt a bloomin hope IMO. He is a control freak by the sounds and like to manipulate you. Dont even have the converstaions with him. If he was that concerned about you and the family and finding a roof over his head then he wouldnt be in the gym. Oh and I'd cancel his membership. GGggggrrrr

swiftybaby · 28/12/2006 17:29

oh and that was at him not you!!

fortyplus · 29/12/2006 09:45

Hi - just read the latest posts and totally agree - don't offer any financial support without legal advice.
It's time for you to think about whether it is possible for the charming side of your H's nature to over ride the nasty, bullying behaviour that has been evident recently.
Whatever advice any of us can give - we don't know you or your H. You are the only one who can decide whether you should draw a line under this situation and be rid of him for good, or whether it is possible for him to change. Maybe he didn't realise the effect his behaviour was having? He's made some horrendous and possibly unforgivable mistakes. But could he change? Would you be prepared to support him and maybe acknowledge the effect your 'nagging'has? Does the fault lie entirely with him or can you see that you are a contributory factor?
If you can put your hand on your heart and say that you have done everything in your power already then dump him.
Hopefully you have friends and family to support you.

NurseyJo · 29/12/2006 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dinosaur · 29/12/2006 10:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fortyplus · 29/12/2006 10:58

NurseyJo - your idea about the council being obliged to house him is a popular misconception! I work in Housing for my local council and if someone is homeless as a direct result of their own unreasonable behaviour then the council is under no obligation to house them.
He's a b*stard and he'll have to sort himself out!

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