DH thinks we don't have sex enough. Is he right?

[Airyhutt]

NC for this because DH knows my login.

DH works away during the week. On weekends when he's home we have sex once or twice. He has decided this isn't enough and calls me frigid for not wanting to have more sex. In a joking way, but also meaning it. We have been together for twelve years and have three children. From conversations with friends, it seems that once or twice a week is actually an above average amount of sex to have, particularly when you have young children. DH thinks either that I am lying or that my friends are lying and that he is having a lot less sex than is normal so he feels hard done by.

My problem is that I have body issues and am unhappy about my weight, which means I often don't feel attractive and this means I don't want to have sex. He knows this, but doesn't accept it as a valid reason because he thinks it reflects on him, that I don't find him attractive enough.

It doesn't help that, when he was sick and taking it out on me, he called me a fat fuck and even now he goes on about how fat I am, even though he says he still finds me attractive. When he left on Monday morning, he reminded me to lose weight and work on my attractiveness.

I know he probably seems like a shit husband, but there is a lot of background with his own parents, particularly his father (who was obese), underlying how he behaves when it comes to marriage and I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having. I think if he actually talked to people about it, he would find out that actually we do have a reasonable amount of sex, but of course he won't ask anyone. So I am asking: is he justified in his complaint?

There is very little point in antagonising somrone who is abusive. They are looking for a fight. Their objective is to win. (My x saw a rs as war. Power. Control. Win).

The only way to win a battle like that is to refuse to engage. That isn't to say you guve in. You hold your ground. You stare your position. And then do not justify yourself, nor defend, nor engage.

In the end the onky way to end the war may be to walk away.

Sorry OP if this sounds bleak. It may be that your dh is 'trying out' this behaviour and needs to see what he stands to lose if he continues. Fingers crossed. But he has to see ultimately he will lose you before he will realise this is a probkem he has that he must solve.

Remember this at all times OP it isn't your fault.

It is not your fault.

State not stare your position

minkGrundy that is helpful. I find it difficult not to react when an argument is brewing so will need to work at being calm and repetitive without flaring up or breaking down.

To all of you who are calling him a potential rapist, I am finding it very difficult to recognise these traits in the person I know. If it's ok, I would prefer to focus on the bits that do seem familiar.

I think that is fair enough airy. My ex was everything but a rapist. The fact that he wasn't a rapist didn't stop him from being a whole lot of other things.

You don't want to get into the position of thinking at least he isn't a rapist and at least he doesn't hit me.

The acceptable amount of verbal abuse or emotional abuse is none.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my rs being a)abusive b)not something I could fix.
I am a fixer and a people pleaser but I will also argue my corner which keft me trapped in a vicious cycle of intractable and baffling arguments (i.e. complaining we never had sex when we had just had sex) and then making excuses for him until I realised I had to hold my hands up and walk away.

It's your thread and it's absolutely ok for you to focus on whatever aspects you want.

I was just pointing out those things because if you realise certain things are recognisable in what a poster is saying, and they may be a sign it could lead to something pretty awful, it would be remiss to not say anything just because it might be difficult for the op to hear.

Hope you understand.

Anyone who called me a fat fuck would be feeling the weight of my frying pan connecting with their even thicker skull.

Fat fuck?

Clutches pearls!

I do understand and I am grateful that people have pointed these things out because it has helped to clarify things for me. Also I am now aware of how things could end. I do hope that standing up for myself properly will reboot our relationship so we can get back to where we were.

I want to believe that this can be sorted out. But if I need to walk away, I will do it. In the meantime I am going to practise how to say "please stop talking to me like that" without crying.

I'd like to say that's a good place to be but it's an awful situation so it's only 'good' relative to that. It's a good plan, a good step forward.

Whatever is going on in his mind/life and whatever may happen in the future you must promise yourself that you will try to speak up for yourself.

And you know if you do cry he can still hear you when you speak. You are feeling very sad about this, if you can't do it without crying that's very understandable you know.

The last thing I suspect you need is to be feeling bad about feeling bad and you mustn't let yourself focus too much on purging the emotion - the emotion is quite normal and therefore healthy and it shouldn't detract from the content of what you are saying to the point that it is fair or understandable for him to ignore you.

If he tries to say he doesn't have to/isn't listening because you are too emotional I think it will be very little to do with him not understanding and everything to do with preventing you from being able to feel you have expressed yourself properly to him.

I want to believe that this can be sorted out. But if I need to walk away, I will do it. In the meantime I am going to practise how to say "please stop talking to me like that" without crying.

Can you try that without the please.

Try Putting a bit of fire in your belly. Try it in a voice that sounds like speak to me in that voice again and one glare from me will cause you to disintegrate into a thousand little pieces!

I am going to practise how to say "please stop talking to me like that" without crying.
If your dd said this to you about her relationship, in the future, what would you say to her? You would tell her she was worth more than a relationship where she has to beg and cry, in vain, to be treated reasonably (not even kindly)! YOU are worth more than that too OP.

I cry when more because I'm angry than because I'm upset. But yes, I wouldn't want my DDs ever to feel like this.

Op remrmber if u don"t manage to tell him to stop it still isn't your fault. Shoulder none of his blame.

Good luck x

Hear hear mink.

Be kind to yourself airy.

Thank you. This thread has really helped me to put things in perspective and clarify them in my head. Even reading the first few replies felt so empowering, which probably sounds really weird, but hearing strangers say no, that's not right, you shouldn't be talked to like that, made me feel a lot stronger and more able to tackle the problem. It might take time and it might not work out in the end, but you have all given me the invisible support I didn't even realise I needed. So thank you to everyone who replied.

he's horrible. i would walk away now.