DH thinks we don't have sex enough. Is he right?

[Airyhutt]

NC for this because DH knows my login.

DH works away during the week. On weekends when he's home we have sex once or twice. He has decided this isn't enough and calls me frigid for not wanting to have more sex. In a joking way, but also meaning it. We have been together for twelve years and have three children. From conversations with friends, it seems that once or twice a week is actually an above average amount of sex to have, particularly when you have young children. DH thinks either that I am lying or that my friends are lying and that he is having a lot less sex than is normal so he feels hard done by.

My problem is that I have body issues and am unhappy about my weight, which means I often don't feel attractive and this means I don't want to have sex. He knows this, but doesn't accept it as a valid reason because he thinks it reflects on him, that I don't find him attractive enough.

It doesn't help that, when he was sick and taking it out on me, he called me a fat fuck and even now he goes on about how fat I am, even though he says he still finds me attractive. When he left on Monday morning, he reminded me to lose weight and work on my attractiveness.

I know he probably seems like a shit husband, but there is a lot of background with his own parents, particularly his father (who was obese), underlying how he behaves when it comes to marriage and I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having. I think if he actually talked to people about it, he would find out that actually we do have a reasonable amount of sex, but of course he won't ask anyone. So I am asking: is he justified in his complaint?

Is this working away stuff stressing your relationship ? It would stress mine. I think he attacked you where you are most vulnerable and he knew it, probably motivated by the stress of being away. It doesn't excuse it though. Once or twice a week while working away is actually awesome and your man should realise how lucky he is.

You can only tackle this by communicating together without resorting to insults and if that isn't possible and he treats you disrespectfully, then you have a problem much worse than sex expectations, you have a communication problem which you'll need to work out first.

Never mind not wanting to sleep with him, I wouldn't want to even look at him or hear his name mentioned...

I agree with ShitHotAwesome (and not just because that's a great phrase to type).

Twice a week is more than I've ever managed beyond about the first two weeks six months of a relationship. But, do you know, so what? Even if we all posted 'Yes we're having sex every day', he is having sex with you, and the question he might be asking himself is, 'how often do WE want to have sex' i.e. the two of you together with both of you having an input into the answer?

I would hate anyone to start being 'nice' to me with a view to getting his end away, but it really is mystifying that he is behaving as if he actually wants less sex (insulting you and reminding you frequently of those insults). My dh has occasionally said things to me that have been hard to take, but everyone has bad moments and he has both apologised for those things and never repeated them.

If you can imagine what would make you look forward to jumping his bones, tell him. Would you like sexy texts through the week, compliments on your immense hotness, discussion of fantasies, or would you prefer to save it all up and have a fab time together at the weekend?

I think if people can't talk without resorting to insults of this kind there is a selfish twattery problem rather than a communication problem tbh

And 'your man'? Have I wandered onto netmums by accident?

I believe the reason he is insulting her and attempting to bully her into more sex is because it's not sex he wants but power and control. I can't see any other reason why someone would behave in that way TBH.

ARE you overweight?

It's funny. I knew he was being a rude, hateful arsehole, but I am crying reading all these messages about how awful his behaviour is. It really brings it home when other people post so quickly and so unequivocally about how shitty it is.

But this is a recent thing. For the past eleven years he has been a good husband, he never pressurised me into anything or commented unfavourably on my increasing weight. He has loved me, with all my issues, and he has been there to pick me up without reservation whenever I have fallen down.

For the last year, since the death of his dad, he has been increasingly unhappy with himself and has lashed out at me and his mum. The things he said about me, not fat fuck, but other things, were things he felt about himself. And I became the reflection for him to shout at and be nasty to because there was no one else.

He is slowly getting better now, back to the person he used to be, but his reality has become so distorted over the last year that we have all suffered. I honestly think that if I can show him that strangers think his behaviour is unacceptable he won't brush it off, as he could if I stuttered my way through an explanation of why I don't think he's right.

This is nothing to do with sex and everything to do with being abusive to you.
You are expected to look after his three children on your own all week, be supermodel thin, super attractive and constantly available to him sexually.

Meanwhile he calls you frigid, fat, unattractive, and a liar.

You need to tell this fuckwit where to go, and fast.

Offred I think you are right about the power and control. When his dad died, it left a vacuum in his life because there was nothing for him to fight against. He has grown up fighting against his father. A lot of the things he has done since have been about asserting control over me, our family, even some of his siblings.

I have never needed to fight against anything because my family has always been supportive and loving. I don't have the tools to fight back. It always takes me by surprise when someone is unpleasant and I end up mumbling or crying or both.

That's interesting Airyhutt. I think the death of a parent is a hugely underestimated stress point in a marriage. I can think of two that I know that have failed in the two years post that event, from apparently a really stable base. I really, really hope that he can get whatever help he needs to change the way he feels - but he does need to change his behaviour. You sound extremely steadfast and I hope he values that.

Anyone that spoke to me that way would never get another 'fuck' ever. You deserve way more respect than that. How disgusting.

Airyhutt, bereavement is no excuse for treating your remaining loved ones like shit on your shoe.

You need to set some boundaries to his behaviour - and take action if he doesn't respect them.

Urgh, I'm so angry on your behalf, and your children's.

Even if she is, that's missing the point, blackrabbit.

It doesn't matter if the OP is 20 stone, calling her a "Fat fuck" is nothing short of twattish.

blackrabbit I am obese. I have been for eight years.

If I honestly believed this wasn't the real dh then he would have to move out, sort his head out with professional help and then do an awful lot of ground work before i considered letting him back in.

OP if he seems like a twat he probably is.

You don't speak to someone you love in such a cruel way.

He sounds incredibly disrespectful.

Rabbit - irrelevant question. You do not speak to your partner like that.

Bloody hell. I was thinking at first about finding a tactful way to encourage you to have more sex, until I got to the part where he insults you so unforgivably. Never mind more sex, he is lucky you haven't castrated him for being so cruel and borderline abusive. What a shitbag.

And God almighty, not more 'woe is me, I can't help being a prick because MY PARENTS' bollocks. As Dave Lister once told Arnold J Rimmer, "In the end, you can't turn around and say, 'Sorry I buggered up my life, it was Lister's fault.' He's a grown fucking adult and he needs to stop thinking he can treat everyone around him like shit because PARENTS 20 YEARS AGO. Has he no autonomy? Does he consider himself so weak and stupid he isn't responsible for his own actions?

I think for a lot of people this behaviour, even with a bereavement as a possible trigger, would be something they would not be able to get over and forgive. It really is that bad.

I wouldn't be too quick to believe he is reacting badly to his dad's death either, he may just be stepping into his shoes. In any case I am extremely sceptical that anyone could really be utterly oblivious about how awful this behaviour is.

For some reason he now believes that this is an acceptable way to treat you when it is clearly never an acceptable way to treat anyone. If you get involved in trying to work out why this has happened then you are at risk of making excuses for him.

He's an adult, he has been a husband for 12 years. He knows how he should behave and he is choosing not to behave that way, really that's all you need to know when he is treating you so badly.

The fact you think he might listen to other people but not to you is bad too - that's indicative of him having no respect for you at all, so whilst showing him the thread might make him see how bad those behaviours are, it wouldn't solve what causes them - lack of respect for you.

passmethewineplease he spoke to himself in the same way. Swore at himself. Called himself a fucking useless shit and a fucking cunt. It was like his filters were broken, every horrible thought inside his head about how worthless he was had to come out. So although he has said horrible things to me, I have heard the things he has said to himself and they were far, far worse.

defineme I have come very close in the past year to leaving him several times, but he is getting help and I want to hang on until he is better, to see if he can get back to the person he was or to see if he is irredeemably changed. And if he is changed I will leave.

Airy, please do not be fooled by that. The fact that he's capable of abusing himself doesn't excuse that he abuses you, hurts you and is unforgivably cruel.

If I slap you across the face, it isn't ok if I go on to slap myself across the face as well. It just means I'm the kind of person who slaps people across the face.

Awful as calling you a fat fuck is, what's arguably worse is telling you, as he leaves for the week, to work on your attractiveness and lose weight. That's not even in the heat of the moment or in the midst of grief and pain overwhelming him. He seems to have normalised the idea that you should be Making More Effort. I think that's pretty unpleasant of him. The question asked earlier about his own attractiveness is relevant. I assume he's not Brad Pitt?

SheBa I do see what you're saying, but he has only been a prick since his dad died and that was only a year ago.

Offred I think his lack of respect for me is bound up in his lack of respect for himself.

Don't sacrifice yourself for a hope that he may change it just isn't worth it. He can do the work on changing without being near enough to you to take you down with him. If he is successful you can always get back together. Sometimes giving someone your support can just support them in maintaining the status quo.

I was a prick when my dad died, but even in my coldest, cruellest times, I would never have DREAMED of telling my then partner (now husband) that he was fat or unattractive or anything else that I knew would wound him so deeply. I was a cow and a half and he would have had every right to leave me, but no matter how wounded you are, there are things you do not say to people, and especially not if you're trying to have sex with them!

TendonQueen is right, the comment he made while leaving for work was not said in passion or anger. Do not make excuses for him. What he does to you is unforgivable and will cut deeply in a way few other things would.

And he knows this, and it's why he does it. Because he is a shitbag.

All abusive people are insecure and have low self worth, don't make the mistake of thinking the fact his hateful way of treating you is not so bad because he also hates himself. Abusing other people is a way of dealing with your insecurities which often has a high level return for a low level of investment which makes it hard to unpick once someone goes there.