DH thinks we don't have sex enough. Is he right?

[Airyhutt]

NC for this because DH knows my login.

DH works away during the week. On weekends when he's home we have sex once or twice. He has decided this isn't enough and calls me frigid for not wanting to have more sex. In a joking way, but also meaning it. We have been together for twelve years and have three children. From conversations with friends, it seems that once or twice a week is actually an above average amount of sex to have, particularly when you have young children. DH thinks either that I am lying or that my friends are lying and that he is having a lot less sex than is normal so he feels hard done by.

My problem is that I have body issues and am unhappy about my weight, which means I often don't feel attractive and this means I don't want to have sex. He knows this, but doesn't accept it as a valid reason because he thinks it reflects on him, that I don't find him attractive enough.

It doesn't help that, when he was sick and taking it out on me, he called me a fat fuck and even now he goes on about how fat I am, even though he says he still finds me attractive. When he left on Monday morning, he reminded me to lose weight and work on my attractiveness.

I know he probably seems like a shit husband, but there is a lot of background with his own parents, particularly his father (who was obese), underlying how he behaves when it comes to marriage and I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having. I think if he actually talked to people about it, he would find out that actually we do have a reasonable amount of sex, but of course he won't ask anyone. So I am asking: is he justified in his complaint?

Offred is right. Every abuser I've known or heard of had a sob story or five about how they were the victim really and how it was all because they were such a delicate and sensitive flower underneath the screaming, swearing and abusiveness. As I said, it just means they're the kind of person who slaps people across the face. Hell, maybe it even makes it worse if they think it's acceptable as long as they do a bit of 'oh I hate me' afterwards.

"but he is getting help and I want to hang on until he is better, to see if he can get back to the person he was or to see if he is irredeemably changed"

The problem with this is that in the meantime he is pulling you right down with him. You're already starting to doubt yourself and questioning whether you are right to not want more sex.

You're also doubting the worth of your own opinion. It's no longer enough for you to say something. You have already reached the point where you think that your words only have value or importance if others can back you up.

I personally wouldn't be able to sit in the same room as this horrible little man, but this isn't about how I or any of us feel.

fuck him, I mean literally !!
any man that calls their wife / mother of their 3 dcs a fat fuck, can go and fuck himself.
I bet you he aint no David Beckham either .

Tendon he is good-looking. People have told me he's attractive often enough. To be honest, looks-wise, he could do better than me. Even when I was younger and thinner, he was still the better looking half of our partnership.

Abusive people, I believe, often have either really had a tough time or they have at some time decided not to be in control of their own lives or take responsibility for their own happiness. They've decided at some time or have just always believed that other people are responsible for making their lives better and/or worse and they have decided that they can treat other people badly because of it. Sometimes it is genuinely understandable - particularly if the abuser had a truly awful time in childhood and example from their parents. However, it doesn't change the fact that they are abusive and therefore dangerous to be in a relationship with, it also isn't likely to help them if they are able to maintain a relationship whilst behaving abusively as it acts as affirmation that how they behave is fine.

Thing is, lots of people have had abusive childhoods and I would say most of them do not become abusers. The ones who do, do so because they believe they are entitled to. I think it's quite worrying the level of influence his father had over him right up until his death too - that shows a level of immaturity and insecurity, which may be unsurprising, but is nevertheless not a good sign.

Normally, children grow up and gain independence from their parents. Even when their parents have behaved awfully it isn't very normal to reach adulthood (and even your parent's death) without having completed emotional separation in your relationship with them.

So he thinks you need To lose weight.

You could drop loads this week, just tell him To find somewhere else To live and someone else To turn off with his appaling attitude.

You deserve To be treated better than he is willing To treat you. Much better.

He doesn't need to hurt you to get better and if he stands a chance of getting better he should not be allowed to hurt you - not at all, not ever.

OK, but it still doesn't excuse his attitude. Handsome is as handsome does, and on that basis he sounds pretty ugly to me.

I don't think there is a right amount of sex ? I would happily bang dp all day everyday given half the chance . But it's not goin to happen

People need to compromise , take into account lots of other factors such as sex drives , time, tiredness etc etc and then not speak to there other half like dirt and expect to still get some action!!
Sorry op but he sounds like he can be horrible I think you know you deserve better than that

Well there you have it - a good looking person who is seeking someone they can mould and abuse, and this is easier when they've got that person in a situation where she's thinking 'he could do so much better than me, why is he even with me anyway?'. Because then her self esteem is low and bound to his opinion, and she feels indebted to him in some way.

And that works to his advantage.

Is he undergoing therapy? By being so understanding of his issues you are potentially also enabling him to be this way with you. It's his therapist's job to do that, not yours. I've made this mistake myself. I was so understanding and so full of explanations/excuses for his behaviour that I lost sight of my own needs. I just let his shit take over. Don't lose sight of your right to a loving supportive partner. If he can't offer you that, then it's not going to work.

Airyhutt " I don't have the tools to fight back. It always takes me by surprise when someone is unpleasant and I end up mumbling or crying or both."

this struck me because I am not someone who has "tools" to fight back against this type of unpleasantness. However, I think that's a good thing - because my response is "if you treat me badly, you can't be in my life".

You could a whole arsenal of emotional manipulation to fight back with - but do you want it? I don't. I think it's far better to insist on being treated well, otherwise it's literally no deal.

And bereavement is not a good enough excuse. You say he's lashing out at you because he's got no one else. A decent person wouldn't feel the need to lash out by saying such awful things! In fact, it's something I notice in life generally - some of us are hard on ourselves and some people lash out at others. I certainly wouldn't be married to the latter.

He's being a right idiot.

However, do you work on keeping fit, healthy and attractive? Not for other men, but for yourself and for him? Because many men whose partners don't do this see it as their partner doesn't care about them. This can lead them to disconnecting emotionally from the marriage.

Sex makes men feel emotionally secure and makes them feel loved. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I think a wife keeping herself fit, healthy and presentable, and doing everything she can to reassure her husband that she desires him, is extremely important for men's wellbeing. Men are more visual than women and have higher sex drives than women, particularly in the second half of life.

They have to make an effort to interact with our heightened level of emotional literacy. We have to make an effort to interact with their heightened level of sexuality. It is respectful and loving to do so, in my view.

Offred

The majority of your post is wildly inaccurate psychologically.

You may have a weight issue, but you can do something about that when YOUR ready. He will always suffer from a sad affliction called "Imacuntyfuck" Tis a very pitful disease and effects only the truly sad and fucking ridiculous.

Mama, you may be right, but husbands and wives are responsible (within reason) for each other's wellbeing. I can't begin to understand the mind of someone who thinks the way to encourage their partner into bed is to tell them they're unattractive.

If he wants her to look pretty as he thinks he deserves, he needs to do his half by making her FEEL pretty and wanted. It's not a one way street.

As a general rule, people who gain weight outside of a medical reason do so because they are unhappy and feel bad about themselves, and the longer this feeling persists, the harder it is for them to make a lifestyle change.

He's called her disgusting names and said things that he knows will cut her to the quick. No way should he get the message that this is an acceptable way to entice a woman into bed, or indeed to encourage anyone to do what he wants.

(Also, I call bollocks on the men having higher sex drives. They're shattered after one orgasm!)

MamaMother "I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I think a wife keeping herself fit, healthy and presentable, and doing everything she can to reassure her husband that she desires him, is extremely important for men's wellbeing."

my first

No, it isn't and I've been clear in stating the it is my view.

If you want to promote abuse of women by men as 'just how men are' then I can't stop you but I'm afraid I'm not going to think you are in any way credible or scientifically literate if you post things like you have above as though they are facts...

Or even that an appropriate response to having a husband who calls you a fat fuck is to get pretty and pleasant for him...

ShebaShimmyShake "As a general rule, people who gain weight outside of a medical reason do so because they are unhappy and feel bad about themselves, and the longer this feeling persists, the harder it is for them to make a lifestyle change."

I'm going to address this one in case it helps the OP. I'm currently trying to lose weight, having been very slim in the past and now not! I didn't gain because I was unhappy, I was just older, busier and not much of a one to worry about what I look like.

I am not beating myself up about it - I exercise, my health tests are all great, I just need to get some weight off and I'm sorting that. The OP may be in the same position. It doesn't have to be a huge emotional painful deal.

Yeah, I gained weight just because I have had DC - got a very loose flap of tummy skin that collects fat and having four DC means I have less time to focus on myself and my health.

I do agree that many people who are unhappy gain weight as a consequence though which is what I think Sheba meant?

Yes, I didn't mean to imply that that is always the case every time, and of course we all change as we get older (I kind of meant to imply that that was included in 'medical conditions'). But it is very common, certainly, and being told how unattractive you are is unlikely to put you in the positive, can-do, self respecting headspace that is necessary for losing weight in a healthy way.

Yuk.
I'm glad I'm not you OP. Men like your husband convince me further that my decision to stay single and not have sex for the past 5 years was the best decision I ever made.

MamaMother You are talking BOLLOCKS There are plenty of women who have done all that and it makes no difference whatsoever.

And there are plenty of women with a heightened level of sexuality as well as men with higher emotional literacy They arent all knuckle draggers.

Did you swallow a whole years subscription of Psychologies magazine or just the one issue?

Btw i know what im talking about I used to be ten stone heavier.

SheBa you're right. After he said that about losing weight and working on my attractiveness, I did practically inhale several packets of crisps. Partly as a fuck-you reaction, but also partly because I felt so awful that he'd said and I do comfort-eat.