DH thinks we don't have sex enough. Is he right?

[Airyhutt]

NC for this because DH knows my login.

DH works away during the week. On weekends when he's home we have sex once or twice. He has decided this isn't enough and calls me frigid for not wanting to have more sex. In a joking way, but also meaning it. We have been together for twelve years and have three children. From conversations with friends, it seems that once or twice a week is actually an above average amount of sex to have, particularly when you have young children. DH thinks either that I am lying or that my friends are lying and that he is having a lot less sex than is normal so he feels hard done by.

My problem is that I have body issues and am unhappy about my weight, which means I often don't feel attractive and this means I don't want to have sex. He knows this, but doesn't accept it as a valid reason because he thinks it reflects on him, that I don't find him attractive enough.

It doesn't help that, when he was sick and taking it out on me, he called me a fat fuck and even now he goes on about how fat I am, even though he says he still finds me attractive. When he left on Monday morning, he reminded me to lose weight and work on my attractiveness.

I know he probably seems like a shit husband, but there is a lot of background with his own parents, particularly his father (who was obese), underlying how he behaves when it comes to marriage and I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having. I think if he actually talked to people about it, he would find out that actually we do have a reasonable amount of sex, but of course he won't ask anyone. So I am asking: is he justified in his complaint?

Of course you did. I did too when I was depressed and overweight and my self respect was in the shitter. You eat until your body feels as crap as the rest of you. You eat because it's an easy pleasure and you feel unable to seek out others. You eat because it gives you an overfull feeling in your stomach and that is the closest you come to an intense physical sensation. You eat as a form of self abuse because you think it is all you deserve. And in the case of a partner treating you like shit, you eat as a fuck-you, as you say.

I hear you. I sympathise. And you ARE worthy. And you DO deserve better. And no matter what personal tragedy he has, he has NO RIGHT to say such cruel things to you that will harm you so badly. Who the hell does he think he is?

If you want to lose weight, then do it for yourself, because you deserve to feel healthy and well. And you deserve it NOW. Not when you're two stone down or whatever - NOW. There is nothing you deserve slim that you don't deserve now.

And you absolutely do NOT deserve to be called names by a failure of a husband.

"I think a wife keeping herself fit, healthy and presentable, and doing everything she can to reassure her husband that she desires him, is extremely important for men's wellbeing. Men are more visual than women and have higher sex drives than women, particularly in the second half of life.

They have to make an effort to interact with our heightened level of emotional literacy. We have to make an effort to interact with their heightened level of sexuality. It is respectful and loving to do so, in my view."

I don't know about flaming, it's just difficult to know where to start with so many assumptions, so much pseudo-science and so much quasi-science that doesn't examine its own bias.

For now, suffice it to say that a woman isn't just there to service a man's sexuality (try reading some of the literature on heteronormativity). You're dressing up generalisations as certainties. I also think few people appreciate just how variable men's sex drives can be both amongst men in general and within an individual's life time.

Personally, as a woman, I've found I often have a higher sex drive than my male partners. I would never in a million years think I was obliged to interact with someone's "heightened level of sexuality", particularly not if they'd just called me a fat fuck.

Excellent post Sheba

And for you too airy.

SheBa thank you.

And thank you too Offred.

Does he know you have been on the verge of leaving a few times airy?

I don't think so.

If you were able to very seriously sit him down and explain how unacceptable his behaviour has been and how you won't tolerate it anymore (bereavement or not) what do you think would happen?

Does he think you have nothing better to do than work on your attractiveness? Is he some kind of Adonis himself? And stop with the rubbish he is somehow better/ more attractive than you. Obviously he is not. He has a black heart.

Book a weekend away at a spa hotel, alone or with a friend, have loads of treatments, let him look after the kids all weekend..

Has he apologised for calling you names and being nasty? Has he sent you flowers and said " I love you, I've been such a jerk"

He has, in a few callous and feckless remarks, ruined your sex life. It will take some work to repair that and it won't be overnight. He's hardly Mr Strategy is he? I have to say my ex dh was a complete nightmare but he never ever passed comment on my body shape.

I think he would be very upset and probably think I was being utterly unreasonable. I would end up not explaining very well through my tears and he would go away feeling that I had been unfair and wrong.

Thanks Offred and Airy, I aim to please :)

Airy, I'd suggest you start doing things to make you enjoy your body and appreciate it as your vessel for experiencing the world, and not just an object to satisfy your prick of a husband. Find an exercise you like that will give you those lovely endorphins. I started with Zumba, as I love dancing, and you can get Wii Fits very cheaply on eBay these days. A rush of exercise endorphins will really help kick start a positive feeling. Do things that YOU enjoy, find pleasures that will make you less dependent on food for physical sensation. Buy a vibrator, if you don't already have one (because remember, your body exists to give YOU pleasure, not just men). Eat well and move well because it FEELS good and will make you healthy, and you deserve to be well.

lavenderhoney no, he hasn't apologised. I think he has blanked it out.

He may well come in an attractive wrapper, but he is rotten to the core. How dare he stamp on your feelings/self-confidence and say things to you, his life partner, that he wouldn't dream of saying to anyone outside your home?
Please don't excuse him because of a difficult upbringing - would you be happy for your own DC to witness this behaviour or atmosphere and repeat it in their futures? Get angry,OP. You are worth so much more than this.

If anyone called me a fat fuck I would never speak to them again. Let alone fuck them.

I don;t care what you look like. I don't care what he looks like (Brad Fucking Pitt I assume). There is no reason ever EVER to be so rude and disrespectful to anyone. Full stop

There is no right or wrong amount of sex - and does anyone tell the truth anyway.

But for him to call you all those horrible names is completely unacceptable. Take control, and tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable. It is abusive and cruel to treat you like this. Utterly cruel.

And saying worse things about himself does not make this alright by any stretch of the imagination.

I think he would be very upset and probably think I was being utterly unreasonable. I would end up not explaining very well through my tears and he would go away feeling that I had been unfair and wrong.

If that happened then I think you really would have no real choice but to leave him. I think you could perfectly justifiably walk away now without trying anymore but I know in your situation I would want to at least try explaining and give him a chance to listen before I walked (whether that's necessary or a good idea or not) because for my peace of mind it would be important to know that I did try to directly confront this and give him a chance IYSWIM.

If that's what you think he would do though your relationship is in pretty bad shape IMO - he should be able to listen to you whether he agrees or not and especially when he is so badly out of order

Trouble is, I think, often people who resort to abuse because they feel they are unworthy or unlovable or flawed react angrily and defensively to any perceived criticism. That one thing, if none of the others do, makes it absolutely impossible to relate to them.

Um- you haven't blanked it out. So it's important. He can't say shit like that and pretend it's ok. because it's not ok.

You do need to make a stand, because otherwise it's all downhill from here. If you want to lose weight, that's great. Go to classes, get a PT, whatever is manageable for your situation. But don't minimise, and don't sleep with him until he apologies properly and helps you with a plan, and organises babysitters, and makes you feel better.

Have you told him how he has made you feel? Did he concure he's been an ass, or did he try to make it your fault somehow?

What a fuckwit. No wonder he's pretending it never happened. It did though, and clearly it's the thin end of the wedge.

I doubt he has really blanked it out. He's probably feeding his self pity and entitlement with it and pretending to you he doesn't realise what he has done.

OP, has he blanked it out? I think it's more likely he just thinks it's okay to say it. You "remind" someone to pay the gas bill, not to " work on their attractiveness"

It works in that kind of cycle - feel bad about yourself, feel entitled to attack someone to make them feel like shit, tell yourself this is evidence you are an awful person, feel bad about yourself, feel entitled to attack person again etc

Sorry, I thought you meant has he apologised for calling me a fat fuck. I think he has blanked that out.

I expect he would probably explain away Monday morning's reminder by saying he wasn't being serious. It still hurts.

and he would go away feeling that I had been unfair and wrong.

This and blanking it out are two classic abuse tactics to stop you saying anything. They do wrong and if you say anything they try to make you feel bad.

I suggest you try reading Lundy Bancroft why does he do that?

I also would refuse to have sex with him at all unless it is because you really, really want to. He isn't owed it and he doesn't deserve it.

It still hurts.

Yes. He knows this.

He is doing it on purpose.

Yeah calling someone out on stuff like this, if they are abusive, you'll get either a minimising ("I was just joking lighten up") response or an angry one ("you are to blame for all this, I don't have a problem you do, stop making me angry").

The right amount of sex to have with this man is none.

There is no excuse for being abusive. Many people have abusive or dysfunctional parents and don't become abusive themselves. Many people have depression or low self esteem and would never dream of treating their partners the way he treats you.

Read up on abusive relationships, particularly emotional abuse. If you recognise the signs, please call Women's Aid.

Good luck OP.