I have nc for this as I feel very fragile and also terrified of someone outing me in RL. Please be gentle with me, I don't know where to turn, and I have had good advice on here before. (not that I've always taken it :().
I've been with DP a few years, it hasn't been easy but we are still together. Not living together but I moved to be nearer him as he said he wanted this and at the time we were planning to live together eventually. It never happened though, and now I don't know if I even want it to, but thats a whole other story.
We both have adult DCs, he lives with his, I live alone.
We haven't seen much of each other in the last week, only in fact at social things with other people and at his home with his DC there. Last night when I left his, he said he'd be over today at lunchtime and made it clear he would want sex. I didn't say I would, tbh I havent felt very sexy recently due to medication and just being tired I think. (oh dear this is really difficult). Then he text me later to say he was looking forward to tomorrow (ie today). When I found the text this morning I felt a bit wrong about him coming over at lunchtime for a sh*g with no weekend plans in place, I don't know why but I think I was afraid he would then find he was busy all weekend and I would feel a bit used? So I text light heartedly to say I hoped he was looking forward to a cup of tea and a chat and not lunchtime sex as I was working and busy and not up for that. Later I rang him just to make sure, he said yes he had seen my text and would be with me at 1pm.
He came over, and within a few minutes asked me to go to bed, I said no, and he started saying why not, what was wrong with me, we'd had a nice evening last night, what was I doing, what did I think he was expecting after I'd kissed him and been cuddly last night etc etc. It blew up into a horrible row and in the end I stupidly said i wouldnt go to a social thing with him and friends this evening. he went home, and after I had cooled down a bit I went round and said I was sorry and I did'nt want to be without him, I did want to go with him and could we just kiss and make up please and be nice. We cuddled a bit then he then asked me to go to bed again, and because it was only half an hour before the event time I said no, I didn't want to just sh*g and go. (I thought the social thing would cheer us up a bit then we could come back, have a drink and go to bed properly). He went ballistic (not violent) saying he had feelings, he was a man, I was crazy and weird to come and say I wanted to be with him but then not want sex immediately. I can't even type the things he said, it just sounds so wrong somehow.
Anyway the end of it was he said I couldnt go and he'd go alone, which he did. he said he would come back to mine later and now I'm in a right state because I can't decide whether to go out, stay in, be smiley, dump him, or what. I do suffer with anxiety and depression which he knows so stuff like this is hard for me. I know I'm not blameless in all this so I expect someone will tell me I'm an idiot and what did I expect, I just seem to have lost all my judgment and I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not even when he tells me I am.
Should I go out somewhere so I'm not in in case he comes? Or just not answer the door? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill and should I just be cheery and have a drink with him and let things go? I really don't want to be a crazy weird woman, that's not me. He says I'm making him ill with my unreasonableness which I don't want at all. I just want it to be like it used to be really.