Is this me or him being unreasonable?

[wherehaveigonewrong]

I have nc for this as I feel very fragile and also terrified of someone outing me in RL. Please be gentle with me, I don't know where to turn, and I have had good advice on here before. (not that I've always taken it :().

I've been with DP a few years, it hasn't been easy but we are still together. Not living together but I moved to be nearer him as he said he wanted this and at the time we were planning to live together eventually. It never happened though, and now I don't know if I even want it to, but thats a whole other story.

We both have adult DCs, he lives with his, I live alone.

We haven't seen much of each other in the last week, only in fact at social things with other people and at his home with his DC there. Last night when I left his, he said he'd be over today at lunchtime and made it clear he would want sex. I didn't say I would, tbh I havent felt very sexy recently due to medication and just being tired I think. (oh dear this is really difficult). Then he text me later to say he was looking forward to tomorrow (ie today). When I found the text this morning I felt a bit wrong about him coming over at lunchtime for a sh*g with no weekend plans in place, I don't know why but I think I was afraid he would then find he was busy all weekend and I would feel a bit used? So I text light heartedly to say I hoped he was looking forward to a cup of tea and a chat and not lunchtime sex as I was working and busy and not up for that. Later I rang him just to make sure, he said yes he had seen my text and would be with me at 1pm.

He came over, and within a few minutes asked me to go to bed, I said no, and he started saying why not, what was wrong with me, we'd had a nice evening last night, what was I doing, what did I think he was expecting after I'd kissed him and been cuddly last night etc etc. It blew up into a horrible row and in the end I stupidly said i wouldnt go to a social thing with him and friends this evening. he went home, and after I had cooled down a bit I went round and said I was sorry and I did'nt want to be without him, I did want to go with him and could we just kiss and make up please and be nice. We cuddled a bit then he then asked me to go to bed again, and because it was only half an hour before the event time I said no, I didn't want to just sh*g and go. (I thought the social thing would cheer us up a bit then we could come back, have a drink and go to bed properly). He went ballistic (not violent) saying he had feelings, he was a man, I was crazy and weird to come and say I wanted to be with him but then not want sex immediately. I can't even type the things he said, it just sounds so wrong somehow.

Anyway the end of it was he said I couldnt go and he'd go alone, which he did. he said he would come back to mine later and now I'm in a right state because I can't decide whether to go out, stay in, be smiley, dump him, or what. I do suffer with anxiety and depression which he knows so stuff like this is hard for me. I know I'm not blameless in all this so I expect someone will tell me I'm an idiot and what did I expect, I just seem to have lost all my judgment and I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not even when he tells me I am.

Should I go out somewhere so I'm not in in case he comes? Or just not answer the door? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill and should I just be cheery and have a drink with him and let things go? I really don't want to be a crazy weird woman, that's not me. He says I'm making him ill with my unreasonableness which I don't want at all. I just want it to be like it used to be really.

Are you ok OP?

How are you this morning, OP?

I agree with what all the PPs have said about his attitude towards expecting you to have sex with him on his say so.

However the part of your post that really stood out for me was where you said Anyway the end of it was he said I couldnt go and he'd go alone My ex used to do exactly this - ban me from going on social events because of something I had done. At the time I thought it was my fault and I'd hurt/upset him and he was being reasonable. Now (now that he's my ex!) I can see that this is all part of a controlling and abusive relationship - he was grounding me like the punishment for a naughty child, to make me feel ashamed, embarrassed and in the wrong, and to make sure he did what I wanted next time. And it worked.

Please run. Run like the wind

I would st him down and ask why he is trying to pre-book sex. Texting etc. Do you think deep down he is insecure and sees sex as a form of reassurance ? Just a different view point.

Stupid advice... Would you sit down with a rapist and ask them if they were insecure?

A man this entitled is dangerous IMO. A man like this either has raped or will rape someone. He has spent a while grinding down the op to prepare her to accept sexual assault. Talking to him would be stupid and really being insecure is not an excuse for not understanding consent.

Hi all, I am ok thank you for asking. He text me last night and asked me to go to his which I did, and we talked a lot and although I am still very wary, I am a bit happier. I don't think he is a rapist or even a potential one, and like a pp says, he is insecure, yes, but I know that is no excuse. He has sufferd with ED in the past (tmi sorry) and from what he says I think he sort of feels like he has to grab the moment in case it happens again. he is quite a bit older than me and he does say things like "i don't know how long I've got" so yes I think it does worry him that his days of being able to have sex may be limited in future, one of his friends is in that position due to illness, and sex is very important to him like it is to some people. I do love him, really, and I want to believe that it will work. he did say he was sorry, and that he understood how it had affected me, and promised me he wouldnt be so inconsiderate agian (I know words and actions). I don't know, I am not kidding myself this is any sort of new start but some of the things he says about us being older, and baggage, and just being different the way we view life, do feel true.
Its shocked me a bit how clear some pps are that it is abusive, and maybe thats good because I can watch out more now, but I don't feel abused I feel that its just difficult because we are different. (He is older and from a different background from me and has had a very different life) but we do get on and I am a grown up and I know things can't be perfect. It is very nice to feel I can come here though as I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to, except one friend and she lives far away. And don't worry I won't be moving in with him, he owns his house and I rent mine, if I give mine up I will never get anywhere so nice or secure for the money so I'm not giving that up!

Oh dear !!!

I think it does worry him that his days of being able to have sex may be limited in future...... sex is very important to him like it is to some people.

Classic! That's right up there next to "my balls will burst/get infected if i don't have sex"

he is so full of bullshit and you are too isolated from a good support network so you accept this because you don't want to be on your own. He was pressuring you into sex and punishing you when you didn't give in to him - what is "loving" and "respectful" about that? he's done a good number on you cos he's got you believing that an abusive and emotionally manipulative relationship is all you are good for.

"he said he'd be over today at lunchtime and made it clear he would want sex"

I got to that ^^ bit, and was It sounds like an order from, say, your boss.

This man has been manipulating you for a long time now, so he'll know exactly which buttons to push. Him accusing you of making him ill through lack of sex, and needing to do sex whenever he wants it because his days of sex may be numbered is almost laughable. But it's not though, is it, because he's manipulating you. And I'm sorry to disagree with you, but a man who expects and pesters you for sex with you when you don't want it is rapey in my book. Do you mind me asking, did you have sex when you went to see him last night? Did you want it, or was it to appease him, and because you felt guilty/pressured?

From what you describe, over the last few days, he keeps you in a constant state of flux of guilt and punishing you. No wonder you're anxious. He's the one making you ill in all likelihood. Good people don't manipulate in this way, they really don't.

Please keep posting, it'll help you see the relationship with new eyes.

Sorry, me again

"He came over, and within a few minutes asked me to go to bed, I said no, and he started saying why not, what was wrong with me, we'd had a nice evening last night, what was I doing, what did I think he was expecting after I'd kissed him and been cuddly last night etc".

It just sounds like a classic dirty old man and younger, insecure girl.

I hope I'm wrong, but what he will do is to be more subtle and manipulative for the same result.
He is being already, as he is planting the idea in your mind that he should have as much sex as possible now before he stops being capable of. And you may well agree to it, for his sake, instead of simply because of you wanting it, or saying no if you don't want it.
Good luck if you stay with him.

He sounds vile. I have had boyfriends like him in the past and I thought that that was normal. It was just so crap, sex was always a chore, didn't enjoy it, made me feel awful (and also like I was an awful gf who didn't understand men). Then I had a couple of healthy relationships (including the current one with my future DH) and I realized that that wasn't normal. DP wouldn't even be able to have sex if he could see I wasn't 100% into it. I have never once been pressured into sex by DP (or my previous partner). And we have plenty of cuddles and kisses snuggled up on the couch that don't lead to sex. And I wouldn't wanna have a shag with someone who came to my place just for sex, it would make me feel used and disrespected too.

His behaviour is awful, he clearly doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your feelings. He treats you very badly. And his excuses are bullsh*t. Take it from someone's who's been there and gone out and found out that quite a few men are there are decent human beings.

A man who can have sex with a woman who he very clearly knows doesn't want it is rapey enough without him getting angry and telling you you have a problem.

And he has only admitted he was inconsiderate. He hasn't said to you that he was utterly wrong. I agree he will likely just become subtler in his bullying for a short while, continue with the coercion through manipulation before he goes back to the bullying.

He doesn't sound as though he makes you feel any better about yourself - if anything, it sounds as though he makes your anxiety and depression worse. Telling you he wants to 'use it before he loses it' sounds like a particularly weak excuse for treating you with such disrespect and manipulation. He's supposed to love and value you as a person, not just as a way of getting his leg over until he's too old to do so any more! Thank goodness you don't live with him, but you sound as though you deserve far better, and you won't find it while he's in your life.

"...He went ballistic (not violent) saying he had feelings, he was a man, I was crazy and weird to come and say I wanted to be with him but then not want sex immediately..."

WTF! This make me so angry! Even fuck buddies have treated me better than he's treating you

He's an entitled selfish wanker who has warped views of women, sex and seduction. You did nothing wrong at all. He wanted sex so thought his wants trumped yours despite you being very clear about not wanting it, and I find that attitude hugely undesireable. It is not normal or healthy to be with someone who expects sex just because you were affectionate, and who gets stroppy when you say no. Ugh he sounds vile and I bet he isn't really that great a partner in other areas when you look closer eh wherehaveigonewrong?

His sense of entitlement is breathtaking and is making my blood boil. A kiss and a cuddle the previous evening is not a prelude to sex the next day, or ever come to that. And now he's turning on the blackmail to have sex on tap "in case he becomes unable" at some undefined point in the future.

God, he's fucking vile! Bin him.

He has been really nice yesterday and today though. It does my head in, everytime I think no I've had enough, he is lovely again and I start thinking it'll be OK and it's me. And I've no friends here, just work, so without him this would have been a lonely dull weekend. Do people just bin relationships becasue theyre not perfect? Doesnt anyone ever regret that, I'm not perfect either and it's grim being alone all the time. When he's lovely he is really lovely and we have a great time.

Sounds like the cycle of abuse.
The nastiness is followed by niceness, often over the top, so that you doubt yourself and think he is a nice guy after all. He knows he can't be an arse all the time or you'd dump him.

"I've no friends here, just work, so without him this would have been a lonely dull weekend."

I mean this kindly, but you need to make the effort to make some friends. Join a club or group, get out and do things. Don't go out with an arsehole just because you're lonely and have nothing better to do. That's so sad.

Good point, it's interesting that you moved to be near him, but not even to be with him.
Isolation is a common weapon in the abuser's arsenal. He knows you are reluctant to leave because you are stuck with him.

At the very least make a serious effort to find your own activities and friends, so that you are ok if you leave.

Do people just bin relationships becasue theyre not perfect?

Well, yes, they do but this is very far from your situation. Becoming aggressive (even if not physically) and abusive because you don't want to have sex is not 'not perfect'... Is it? Leaving the toilet seat up is 'not perfect', forgetting to do the washing up is 'not perfect'.

What you seem to be saying is you'd rather be with anyone, no matter how badly they treat you, you must realise that having a relationship in those circumstances is going to end in (your) tears.

Your standards are not very high for a relationship, OP. :(

It's not about perfect or imperfect. It's about a man who uses you for sex, and is angry and manipulative when you don't offer it. In return, he's sometimes lovely.

If you'd rather spend time with someone like that than be alone, you can, of course. But his aggression towards you is likely to get worse over time. And it seems a sad waste when you could look for someone who actually cares about you.

Agree this is a cycle of abuse (being reallly nasty and then turing suddenly really nice - the purpose is to do your head in) and that your standards of relationships is very low.

DP isn't perfect. These are his 'faults' - he talks waaay too much about his job, he's very concerned about money even though we have plenty, he's obsessed with tidiness, he's not a fan of pasta and we don't like the same TV shows. He also always tries to fix my problems as oposed to shutting up and just listening to me when I need to moan. Do you see pressure to have sex, being nasty and aggressive, being emotionally abusive, making me upset, putting sex above my needs, demanding I do things I don't want to do anyhwere on that list?
And not wanting a dull weekend is NOT a reason to stay with a man.