Forgive him for showing private photos? Confused and frustrated...

[EmmaThorn]

I'm 36, happily married for 12 years, we have 3 gorgeous kids, hubby and I both have good jobs, good family, great local friends, I thought everything was going just fine - how silly of me.
I found out in April that my husband had been sending intimate photos of me (and us) to one of our mutual friends - and has also (I belive) sent to one or more guys he's been chatting to on the net.
I found this out because I saw a text message on his phone from one of his mates, who he used to work with - asking a question about OUR sex life.
When I confronted DH he admitted he had started chatting to his mate about us middle of last year, and it had grown into sending photos etc - very personal private photos.

I felt used and totally exposed. He denies that he's sent photos to anyone else either that he knows or doesn't know - he swears its just this one guy, but I find that hard to believe.

I feel betrayed that he would send photos of me behind my back to a friend who knows us both. I'm equally upset with our mutual friend, he should know better, but he's a single guy who doesn't answer to me and has only his own morals to deal with.

Hubby has promised that he's deleted all photos - and he said he only started by chance, it wasn't planned and it just grew. He said he got a kick from it and didn't feel it was a risk as he knew the guy he was sending photos to.

I am so lost and adrift at the moment, I don't feel this is worthy of a separation or worse - and he's the most perfect husband otherwise and amazing dad to our kids - but I never ever thought he could do something like this - its another side to him that I never knew existed.

Has anyone ever had experience of this before? Is this something you can get over if you work through it?

No experience here, but it's not something I would ever be able to get over, it would be a deal breaker for me

You don't think this is a deal breaker??

Am I right in assuming he's been sending naked, intimate pictures of you to a mutual friend and you also suspect him posting them on the Internet?!

You must be in tremendous shock, but I really think you need to think clearly about this, it's a horrendous betrayal of trust, and not the actions of a wonderful man.

I hope you have someone in RL you can confide in.

Dealbreaker for me, too. How on earth is it not worthy of a separation? He has absolutely betrayed you in the most hurtful way. What a horrible man.

And that friend? Some bloody friend he is!

No experience but this is horrible so sending you hugs.

I have such a fear of this that i refuse to take photos, which my dh understands but would really like. Says I should trust him (which I do) but you never know.

I would be worried about what this friend will do with the photos. Your dh may have deleted them, but the friend still has them and can do anything with them.

Nope, that would be it for me like, hed be out and id be divorcing him. Id also be talking to the police about wether he could be charged with an offence.

Put it this way: if you had split up and he'd done this, it would be classed as revenge porn, a criminal offence that could result in two years in jail.

So, do you think it's OK because you still happen to be together? It's very much still a crime. It would be a dealbreaker for me too, it's a complete violation. I would be more willing to forgive an affair than something like this.

This is absolutely shocking, a complete violation of your privacy and trust. And it's rightly a crime, as PPs have said.
How can you trust him after this? Have sex with him knowing what he's done?

If it were me he'd be gone already.

Revenge porn is a misleading term as some cases it's posted for kicks rather than revenge as in this case.

Is your face in any of them? Because whether through his friend or guys he's talked to online, they will be on multiple amateur sites by now.

Oh crikey.

If this was me, I'd be reverse-image-searching those pictures to make sure that they aren't on the internet.

I'd also be asking DH to leave for a while because you'll be in a shock and having him around will slow progress. He needs to think about what he's done, too.

You have lost control of those photos now. Anything that he sent to a third party, be that a friend or a stranger from online, could now be put on websites or shown to anyone. He cannot reverse what he's done, which is why he should have absolutely made sure he had your permission to pass them on (or not done it in the first place).

Does he have a voyeurism fetish? In my experience, most men will keep photos for their eyes only, unless they are quite into being watched and watching. There are a lot of forums which allow people to share photos with strangers in that manner, and I wonder if that's where your DH has been uploading them.

I couldn't forgive this. He's done something which hugely undermines your trust, and he's involved you in it without your permission. He gave no thought to whether you would want your picture shared, or who could potentially see them, or whether it could affect your career or your children or anyone, really. I'd find that very hard to get over, especially as he did it all to get a sexual thrill.

There are a lot of forums which allow people to share photos with strangers in that manner, and I wonder if that's where your DH has been uploading them.

That's my hunch too.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me so tbh it's hard to give you advice on how to move forward if you want to stay. From you OP he doesn't even sound that sorry about it all. Plus you don't send intimate pictures of your wife to your mates by chance.

Wow. You have absolutely no idea where those photos have gone.

If you think they're residing quietly in the other guy's phone, you're mistaken. If your own 'lovely' DH can send them on, then this man most certainly will. They are scattered far and wide.

Sorry you're going through this.

Dear God! You don't think it's worthy of a separation.... He's been sending intimate photos to a mutual friend, (one that you know about) and answering questions about your sex life by text???

What some people will put up with is truly eye opening. He has no respect for you, why is that good enough?

I'm pretty sure that what your husband has done is illegal. You need to spell this out to him - it is ILLEGAL and he is damn lucky you're not pursuing criminal charges against him. You should say if you find out he's been lying about sending it to just one person or does it again, you'll be going to the police and he could potentially end up on the sex offender's register. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and he'll probably say you're over reacting blah blah but he needs to get it into his head that this isn't a joke. It's disgusting behaviour and if the police somehow found out he sent those pictures without your consent he could be in trouble. I think a lot of men don't realise how serious this is and think it's just a bit of a laugh. They don't understand the damage this causes to women and that it's criminal behaviour. You seriously need to emphasise this to him. Not to mention he's been a complete idiot. So what if he knows the guy? Who knows what he could do with those photos? Sorry, I don't mean to scare you but that is unbelievably gullible, stupid behaviour.

I do think it's something you can work through if you want to but it will take a LOT of work. And your husband will have to show genuine remorse as well and be willing to show that he means it. I'm not sure I could stay friends with that guy. I can understand talking about your sex life, I do with my friends but to have photos sent and he thinks that's okay? What?! I couldn't hang around with that friend again and I wouldn't be very keen on your husband seeing him either. I hope you've told him how violated and exposed this made you feel, as well as being a major breach of trust. If you haven't, then you should. He should understand why it's not a good idea to stay in touch with this friend.

I had a similarish experience in that I was filmed sexually without my consent or knowledge. To cut a very long story short the police ended up getting hold of it. I chose not to press charges but the guy who did it could have been charged with voyeurism. Do share this story with your husband, hopefully it'll knock some sense into him. So I do understand how violated you feel and to share it with a friend?! Eurgh. It's been quite a while since it happened and he's apologised to me but I still get fits of anger about it. Personally, I would never allow your husband to take any photos of you again. If he can't be trusted in that area then the privilege of being able to do things like that gets taken away. I would be very wary of him taking photos in secret though, which is why I think you should share my story with him. Just so he's aware that that is also very much illegal.

I'd also be checking the photos aren't on his computer and also looking to see if he looks at any amateur porn sites. Sorry if that's cynical but I would want to know. I'd recommend couples counselling as well. I know people say counselling gets over recommended on here but it'll give you the space to let him know how you feel without the distraction of kids, TV etc. and he'll be forced to listen to you. I think that's a good idea if you're serious about making this marriage work. I think it can be saved IF he shows remorse, proves that he's serious about it and is willing to put a hell of a lot of work in to prove that he's trustworthy. What did he say to you on your feelings about it? Has he said sorry?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. To be betrayed by someone like that when you're in a vulnerable position and doing something you think is intimate and between only you by someone who is supposed to love and protect you is a horrible feeling. Especially with a friend who should have been horrified by his behaviour. I hope you've got someone to talk about this with in real life and I wish you luck in moving forward after this, whatever you decide to do.

this is going to be such a massive shock that it is perhaps going to take a while to sink in and truly understand the consequences. for that reason i think you need to ask him/tell him to move out temporarily to give you room and space to think. honestly? i think it is the death knell for a relationship but as it is such a shock it might take a while for you to feel ready. i'm really sorry
does he understand it is a crime and those images are now probably online?

OP so sorry you are going through this. The implications are huge, he has no idea where these photos may have been passed on, to whom or where and if there is a likelihood they are on the internet. He has been incredibly stupid and naive. I have no advice, I don't know where I would go from here. The arse has abused your trust to the most extreme degree

Actually makes my skin crawl on your behalf.

And this is all you know about. He could be sharing with strangers on the 'net' as well as mutual friend. I'm not sure what is worse.

Vile individual

Deal breaker for me too. My ex, who was sexually abusive and eventually overtly raped me, did this too. I now have a rule that I will not send anyone any picture of me that I wouldn't be comfortable going on the Internet.

Do you really not consider this separation worthy or are you afraid about DCs etc?

It's not who the DH is sharing the photos with.... It's who the non-invested man/men are sharing them with.

They are scattered to the wind.

No way could I forgive this. I'd feel so violated.
How could he think that sharing them with anyone without your consent would ever be ok?
Does he not realise that your mutual 'friend' could have been merrily sharing them all over the net, at work, amongst other friends etc?
It's a massive betrayal of trust - it would be a complete deal-breaker for me.

By the way, you need to make sure that that 'friend' has deleted the photos. It's all well and good your husband doing it but I'd be going round there and demanding to know what he's done with them.

The reason I said you may be able to work it out is because of your long history and the children you have together. Unfortunately, in my experience this sort of thing isn't an isolated incident which is why I said check his internet history. I speak from bitter experience here. I'm afraid to say the guy who filmed me has a history that I didn't know about. I can't go into more detail than that on a public forum but it's why I recommend digging deeper. It may be a one off but as you've already said you don't believe him then I suspect that your instincts are right and I'd be wanting to know what else he does for kicks. It's clear that you don't trust him as far as you can throw him which is why I think he will have a hell of a lot of work to do if he wants to keep you. I wouldn't blame you at all for walking away but ultimately it's your decision. I do think it will take a long time to get over and for your marriage to go back to any sense of normality and that's something you'll have to decide you can deal with, which is why I recommended counselling.

Oh my God yes total deal breaker you're biggest worry is the friend now,I would be discreetly going to the police and get the wheels in motion you owe nothing to either of them.

Deleting the photos is obviously imperative, but it's shutting the gate once the horse has bolted.

I'm sorry. I realize how completely unhelpful these posts are. But you need to understand the extent of what this means - it's unforgivable, deal-breaker stuff.