Forgive him for showing private photos? Confused and frustrated...

[EmmaThorn]

I'm 36, happily married for 12 years, we have 3 gorgeous kids, hubby and I both have good jobs, good family, great local friends, I thought everything was going just fine - how silly of me.
I found out in April that my husband had been sending intimate photos of me (and us) to one of our mutual friends - and has also (I belive) sent to one or more guys he's been chatting to on the net.
I found this out because I saw a text message on his phone from one of his mates, who he used to work with - asking a question about OUR sex life.
When I confronted DH he admitted he had started chatting to his mate about us middle of last year, and it had grown into sending photos etc - very personal private photos.

I felt used and totally exposed. He denies that he's sent photos to anyone else either that he knows or doesn't know - he swears its just this one guy, but I find that hard to believe.

I feel betrayed that he would send photos of me behind my back to a friend who knows us both. I'm equally upset with our mutual friend, he should know better, but he's a single guy who doesn't answer to me and has only his own morals to deal with.

Hubby has promised that he's deleted all photos - and he said he only started by chance, it wasn't planned and it just grew. He said he got a kick from it and didn't feel it was a risk as he knew the guy he was sending photos to.

I am so lost and adrift at the moment, I don't feel this is worthy of a separation or worse - and he's the most perfect husband otherwise and amazing dad to our kids - but I never ever thought he could do something like this - its another side to him that I never knew existed.

Has anyone ever had experience of this before? Is this something you can get over if you work through it?

Didn't you all know? When you're married it's a licence for him to do anything. It's on the marriage certificate. On the back in crayon.

What a weird thing to say black rabbit...

Glad you are fine with your dh sharing pics of you, that he has asked and that you are aware he does it so you can share with him only what you don't mind being shared with the world but your situation is not remotely like the OP's and I can't actually understand why you'd think it was?!

Wtf blackrabbit

Ye gods it's going to be a long summer.

"Each to their own"

Well... Yes... If you don't mind your pictures being shared with or without your consent that's your lookout it says nothing about whether someone else feels it is a serious invasion of privacy and tbh you are on the opposite side of the law there in your opinion.

Maybe it's worth a little reflection on your part about why it's considered necessary in the public interest to protect people from this kind of behaviour and whether you have really considered the consequences of your choice?

I'm confused about the relationship your husband has with this mate. How does this happen? What kinds of conversations are they having which lead to him doing that? Weird and totally out of order.

I would not forgive.

Have you been sleeping with him since April?

I would feel so utterly violated. Think long and hard why he got a kick out of it. He wanted to humiliate you, to show off his property. He wanted to show you all naked and exposed to strange men. He sees you as a sexual object, he didn't consider your feelings on the matter, the secrecy of it is what probably made it better. He wanted men to wank off to your intimate photos, men you know while you were oblivious to it. And he's been doing it for a year.

Your 'D'H is scum. And twisted. He's not a good father. Good fathers don't get a kick out of humiliating and demeaning their children's mothers. Seriously,your post makes my skin crawl.

It's fine if you consent to it. Do whatever you want. But you didn't consent and that is actually at least partly why he got a kick out of it.

If you won't leave him,at the very least get counselling and get it now.

Are the husbands/men involved here really respecting the idea of "each to their own" ie everyone has the right to determine their own boundaries...?

I actually think it's quite worrying and may be a sign of problematically low boundaries in you if you are geniunely unconcerned about someone doing this to you and all that could potentially happen as a result - losing your job, public humiliation etc.

Blackrabbit - firstly you consented to the pictures being shared, in the first instance. Secondly - just because you are happy for more pictures to have been shared without specific permission, doesn't mean that anyone has to be happy with pictures being shared WITHOUT ANY PERMISSION.

And thirdly - you say you are OK with pictures going to people you know, but wouldn't be happy with them being on the net - do you not realise that, once the pictures have left your or your dh's possession (physical or electronic), you have NO control over what is done with them?

Your friends could share them with someone else - and that person could bung them straight up online - and you would have NO idea. And once the pictures were up on the Net, they could be shared and reshared, and you'd struggle to get them all taken down.

I am afraid I think your attitude is, at best, naive.

Deleting the photos is all well and good, but they're out there now aren't they. Nothing he can do about that.

He could be a saint in every other respect, but this would still be a deal breaker for me. Sorry.

This is just a massive breach of trust.

How can you ever trust him ever again. He is letting a friend see you naked. He is doing this knowing this friend is probably using it as wank fodder.

I am sorry but I think irrepairable damage has probably been done to your relationship. The bottom line is, you cannot trust your husband. The rot will set in. This has probably doomed your marriage.

I am raging for you. I really cant see how you can come back from this.

and has also (I believe) sent to one or more guys he's been chatting to on the net
Of course they're out there. Op knows full well they're out there. And it's still not a deal breaker, apparently.
I can't fathom what she hoped to get from this thread, tbh. Posting three months after the event that it's not serious enough to separate over... What answers did she hope to hear?

Holy crap. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I would LTB without hesitation.

I can't imagine a friendship which involves discussing my sex life and sending pics of it. How on earth do you even get to that?

Your dh is a nightmare. What was he thinking? He must have known it was weird and wrong.

What does he plan to do about his fuck up?

I would be raging and completely mortified.

What sort of fucking weird creepy man wants to see photos of his friend shagging his wife anyway? That's really not much better than watching your parents really. It's fucking weird.

Does your husband not think it's weird that his single male friend is wanking over him?

I would be raging and completely mortified.

What sort of fucking weird creepy man wants to see photos of his friend shagging his wife anyway? That's really not much better than watching your parents really. It's fucking weird.

Does your husband not think it's weird that his single male friend is wanking over him?

I agree with PP, this sort of thread does make you wonder if this is genuine...
The majority of us agree this is a disgusting violation of privacy, yet you don't think it's worthy of a separation? My dh would be out the door with his stuff booted up his backside and I wouldn't be able to trust him after that.
It's DISGUSTING, who the hell does he think he is, your not a piece of meat he can share with his friends!!

Sure, blackrabbit.

I've utterly mislaid my raised eyebrow.

OMG, shocked for the first time on MN, one for him actually doing that and two for you saying it doesn't deem a separation, it deems kicking his disgusting arse out, contacting the Police and possibly trying to trace where the pics have gone, all over the internet by now I'd suspect.

I'd actually get the vile creep prosecuted.

I've utterly mislaid my raised eyebrow.

It's here, I've got it.

I found it when I was out ballooning.

OP do you realise that it does not matter how perfect/amazing/ great your DH is he stopped respecting you and IMO ended your marriage when he started this?

Do you realise that your images are out there and in theory your own DC/ current-potential employer/ family could view them?

Why are you not angry/fuming? Why are you not at the Police reporting this?

This is far from the only instance I've heard of this scenario, I infer it's not uncommon.

Which is why I think that revenge porn laws don't go far enough and need to include posting stuff for kicks within relationships.

Ye gods it's going to be a long summer.

Indeed.

I believe this can happen, but am I the only one who wonders whether this particular post has been posted in order for people to share their own experiences of how they are happy for their pictures to be shared to all and sundry? Given the op has disappeared and still thinks her (d)h is a lovely man?