Forgive him for showing private photos? Confused and frustrated...

[EmmaThorn]

I'm 36, happily married for 12 years, we have 3 gorgeous kids, hubby and I both have good jobs, good family, great local friends, I thought everything was going just fine - how silly of me.
I found out in April that my husband had been sending intimate photos of me (and us) to one of our mutual friends - and has also (I belive) sent to one or more guys he's been chatting to on the net.
I found this out because I saw a text message on his phone from one of his mates, who he used to work with - asking a question about OUR sex life.
When I confronted DH he admitted he had started chatting to his mate about us middle of last year, and it had grown into sending photos etc - very personal private photos.

I felt used and totally exposed. He denies that he's sent photos to anyone else either that he knows or doesn't know - he swears its just this one guy, but I find that hard to believe.

I feel betrayed that he would send photos of me behind my back to a friend who knows us both. I'm equally upset with our mutual friend, he should know better, but he's a single guy who doesn't answer to me and has only his own morals to deal with.

Hubby has promised that he's deleted all photos - and he said he only started by chance, it wasn't planned and it just grew. He said he got a kick from it and didn't feel it was a risk as he knew the guy he was sending photos to.

I am so lost and adrift at the moment, I don't feel this is worthy of a separation or worse - and he's the most perfect husband otherwise and amazing dad to our kids - but I never ever thought he could do something like this - its another side to him that I never knew existed.

Has anyone ever had experience of this before? Is this something you can get over if you work through it?

It is an appalling breach of trust.

I would say though to everyone - it's really really unwise to let anyone take intimate photos of you for two reasons.

firstly, as here, doesn't matter how well you know or trust someone. Men (even decent men) are very capable of behaving like utter c*cks where sex is concerned at the best of times. Add in alcohol and it's even worse. It's like their rationality stops functioning.

I used to work with a man who on the face of it sounds like OPs partner. Nice guy, kind, educated, decent, two kids. I've been present when a bit pissed he was showing people naked photos of his wife on his phone to his mates in the pub. I've (and lots of other people) have seen his wife naked in their bedroom. She has no idea.

secondly, it's usually kept on an insecure medium. Phones get stolen, lost and hacked. A lot of people copy photos to an icloud.

It's not worth it.

Oh Lordie OP, you must be so confused and devastated right now.

I don't think you need to rush into a decision either way but agree that you should ask him to leave for a bit to give you some time and space to process what's he's done, and think about what you want to do.

That's a horrendous betrayal by someone you thought respected you. He doesn't respect you (he may love you, may feel many things for you, but he can't possibly have any respect for you no matter how much he protests he does). I wouldn't be impressed by his minimising it with 'it just happened' and it sort of developing from nowhere and got out of hand and he isn't a disgusting abusive pervert after all....

I think that the biggest part of the thrill for him (and he wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a thrill, sexual, or adrenaline, or risk taking, or ego trip, or being transgressive and naughty, or all of those ) is that it was happening without your consent or knowledge. A dirty secret for him, a way of 'using' you that you didn't know about, a little mental snigger at you. Sorry. I know that hurts, but it was what made it exciting for him. A 'We know something you don't know' at it's most innocent (and still not actually innocent), and something really sinister at its worst.

I'm totally NOT impressed with his attempt to justify it because he 'trusts' his mate. Uk. So fucking what? So fucking what? Even if mate hasn't shared them (and he most probably has. He'll deny it, but he most probably has). that mate has been looking at you and seeing those pics in his head every time you've met. With your husband there knowing he's seen them. And mate knowing your husband knows and so on. A delicious little thrilling circle of naughtiness at your expense. Using you for kicks. God, did humiliating you like that give them a lovely naughty little hard-on each time? I'd bloody kill the both of them. How dare they!

If he just wanted to swap porny pics with his mate he so easily could have. He chose to swap porny pics of you, you, his wife, behind your back. Sending those pics was a deliberate action. There isn't any excuse in the world or pathetic grovelling that would be enough for me to forgive that level of betrayal. Even with a good marriage and 3 kids in the mix. It's not the marriage you thought it was. I'm so sorry.

But you have to make your own decision on this and I think you need a bit of time to do that.

I would be incandescent. This must be awful for you.

So what have you been doing since April?

Massive, massive breach of trust. How awful for you to find out your relationship is a lie.

Is he having a relationship with this mutual friend? Sending pictures of both of you?

Creepy, creepy, creepy.

Good point Moving, April was three months ago.
Why are you posting now OP? Are you looking for advice and support for staying, leaving, or deciding what to do?

Completely agree with loveareading's last post. I'd be incan-fucking-descent, OP. Feel awful for you.

I would go to the police to try and prevent those pictures from going further!
No second chances.
You have absolutely no control over those pictures now!

Your marriage was over the moment he did this!

I'm so sorry you were violated like this OP xx

I'm sorry man OP I hope you wielded the pliers around dangly bits.

Your mutual friend has been tossing off to those photos and you can be sure he's shared them online. There are forums for everything out there.

If it's been 3 months and it's now sunk in the enormity of what he's done maybe it's time to tell him to sling his hook to give you time to process it properly.

Maybe ring your local police station for advice as this is quite a serious thing.

I would have kicked him out and reported the pair of them to the police. And I would wonder who else your H has shared them with, and how many of your pics are now on the internet for all and sundry to view. Absolutely, totally unforgivable.

Am astounded you are saying that you need to work through this?

Total dealbreaker. He broke it. He's sick.

I don't believe most of what I'm reading on here during the holidays but just in case:
I would never ever forgive somebody who had done this if I was in this situation. All trust would be completely destroyed by him sharing photos that are obviously only ever supposed to be seen by him.

I going to go against the grain here - I don't think it's a deal breaker at all. My own experience is that my dh asked if he could send a semi naked pic of me to two of our friends - I was fine with it. Since then I think he's sent loads more, but it just doesn't bother me. It really doesn't! Obviously posting on to the web is another thing altogether but I wouldn't blow a fuse over it.

I think some of the posters on here are being a little ott!

*I'm

That's fine, you were ASKED. You gave permission. It's hardly surprising that people are saying it's a deal breaker for pictures to be sent or shared without permission.

I don't believe most of what I'm reading on here during the holidays but just in case:
I would never ever forgive somebody who had done this if I was in this situation. All trust would be completely destroyed by him sharing photos that are obviously only ever supposed to be seen by him.

I know Tiny. No reflection on the op, but it's going to be a long six weeks.

There have been a good few posts recently describing horrendous breaches of trust and not seeing them as deal breakers. Of course this situation is a deal breaker too.

Oh let's all listen to blackrabbit, there's the voice of reason when another poster's 'D'H has sent intimate pics without permission.

Those pics will have been used widely online OP by 'one of the guys' he chats with online. No doubt.

I guess I just don't see it as a massive betrayal - he's not sleeping with anyone else.

Each to their own.

I going to go against the grain here - I don't think it's a deal breaker at all. My own experience is that my dh asked if he could send a semi naked pic of me to two of our friends - I was fine with it. Since then I think he's sent loads more, but it just doesn't bother me. It really doesn't! Obviously posting on to the web is another thing altogether but I wouldn't blow a fuse over it.

I think some of the posters on here are being a little ott!

What? My flabber is well and truly gasted. Is that what you wanted.

Not many people are exhibitionists, so no this isn't ok to do without permission. Honestly!

That's not love OP.

BlackRabbit, No they are not OTT. You may feel it's appropriate to send semi naked photos to friends, it really isn't! Your attitude is not that of a woman who respects herself, more of one who has low self esteem and needs the attention from men to feel valued as a woman.

I guess I just don't see it as a massive betrayal

I think it's safe to say that you are in a tiny minority there blackrabbit.