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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé revealed something the other day...

354 replies

Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:27

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

OP posts:
clam · 23/07/2015 22:45

Look, on the offchance that this is true (and I hope to God it's not), your backstory shows that your judgement is way off.

So, bin this clown, and concentrate on your kids and getting in control of your own anger issues and pray that you haven't done too much damage to them already.

MakeItACider · 23/07/2015 22:48

Look, op, I know you want to trust him. I know it was all a long time ago. You yourself have a criminal record due to past issues. But.... he doesn't sound as though he regrets what he did at all. In fact it sounds as though he's compartmentalised it away, and it isn't an issue for him. And even though its an issue for you, he refuses to talk about it with you.

Both these elements are a really strong indicator that the relationship will have significant problems in the future.

You will find it difficult to trust him, and, quite frankly, that's rightly so. Because he's not being open and honest with you.

MissBattleaxe · 23/07/2015 22:52

OP you have a criminal record for harassment assault and criminal damage. Despite your doubts about the new fiance you proposed to, you threw a phone at the wall which hit him on the head. You also texted your ex with a message that you're not over him. You're not listening to anyone on here. I give up.

ouryve · 23/07/2015 22:53

If you're telling an ex that you're only with your current partner to get over him, then I think you're the one who needs to stay out of relationships for a fair while and get some therapy and counselling for yourself. In the nicest possible way, you're too fucked up for a healthy relationship and you're going to get very badly hurt, as a result.

Throwing a phone at a wall is hardly a rational response to anything, whether it hits someone on the rebound, or not.

Sallystyle · 23/07/2015 22:56

If this is true then do the right thing by your children.

You owe them security and a decent upbringing.

You have been with him 4 months, you have very little invested in the relationship.

No 'but I love him' crap. Love your kids more.

Then go sort yourself and your issues out as well. I hope this isn't real, for the children's sake.

sonnyson12 · 23/07/2015 22:59

The children will be hurt.

No wonder that the highest risk to children is mum's new boyfriend as this scenario is not uncommon.

cocobean2805 · 23/07/2015 23:15

You need to split up. For your mental health and his. Not a healthy relationship. No good for children involved.

Mom2K · 23/07/2015 23:17

I couldn't read through the entire original post...I'm 1/4 of the way in and can't help but stop to comment. I'm sorry...but being engaged after only 4 months is completely crazy, especially when you have children to consider. With the added history of violence as well as current anger issues (and you suspect mental illness?) GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Run like the wind. I'd tell you this even if you didn't have kids, but having children escalates the seriousness of the situation. You need to put them first. This does not sound like a safe or stable man. I have kids too and don't think I'd have introduced a man so quickly to my children, never mind getting engaged! Shock

NameChange30 · 23/07/2015 23:22

THIS
"They deserve a mother that protects them not one that gets swept away by the first phycopath she meets."

Lweji · 23/07/2015 23:24

Recipe for disaster is what comes to mind.

He has anger issues and you have anger issues.
Poor child.

cocobean2805 · 23/07/2015 23:27

And just as an afterthought. Being a bouncer/security/doorman/cp officer/trained fighter (all of these or any combination) are there to stop others fighting and to keep people safe, its not an excuse to fight/beat people up. Training as a CP on its own costs thousands, its about discipline, not being the big man. Not to go vigilante and batter people. Any kind of arrest (even if the charge is dropped) will result in loss of SIA/CP license, which means no work. Are you sure he even has these qualifications? Or was it just part of a threat? The fact that he thinks its OK, is a worry. Even if he doesn't batter you or your children, do you want the police on your doorstep/to be visiting him in prison?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2015 23:30

Never mind whether the man is dangerous or not, OP, it doesn't sound as though you're in the best emotional state yourself right now to be in a relationship. For the avoidance of doubt: chucking things, especially fragile, expensive, useful things, at the wall is not healthy behaviour and definitely not if there's any chance it could hit someone. (I did it myself, I even threw some - not heavy or expensive - things at XH, under extreme provocation I may say, and promptly moved out for a few days and got some counselling. I didn't do it again, but did get cracking with the divorce. I did not want to be the kind of person who throws things at people, and mostly, I'm not. Just telling you this to let you know I'm not preaching from a position of moral superiority.)

choli · 23/07/2015 23:31

OP are you SO desperate for a man that you will deliberately ignore so many red flags?

I would look for a new job, so that you no longer have any contact with him.

moopymoodle · 23/07/2015 23:32

4 months and this.. I'd run as he sounds dangerous

HoldYerWhist · 23/07/2015 23:33

You 'accidentally' threw your phone at him so hard you left a bruise and a sizeable lump.

You told your violent ex you were only with the man you proposed marriage to to get over him.

You have a criminal record.

You moved a man into the home of your three children after four months.

This same man used to be violent in exchange for money...

I hope to God this isn't real.

mindfulandgrateful · 23/07/2015 23:37

I'm a mental health nurse of 16 years and nothing you have said causes me to think this man has mental ill health.

He just sounds antisocial and violent with a short fuse.

Get your children away from this person.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 23/07/2015 23:39

Which page is the phone-throwing on? I'm skim-reading this in horror.

mindfulandgrateful · 23/07/2015 23:39

Also OP , a DBS check - take them with a pinch of salt.

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 23:53

I would be concerned when he says that he can "control it" - what does that mean exactly?

I wouldn't say run away but I definitely would put off the engagement (or just make it a long one) and try to get him to seek help, and get to bottom of it. It could be his past issues are still haunting him or it could be he has a mental illness or something of some kind, which may be treatable.

In the meantime please just keep your children and yourself safe. Any signs of any violence, then go away from him as fast as you can. x

Lweji · 23/07/2015 23:56

For me him saying he won't seek help at this stage would seal it.

I wouldn't allow my child to be at risk. End of.

proudmummy2004 · 24/07/2015 00:06

I recently ended a 4 year relationship (very much on/off due to HIS issues) and it is only now I can see that he could possibly have caused me harm.

He was very kind caring soft affectionate, all those things but he had a dark side. He never hurt me and I never felt scared. Many a time he would lose it and say things like he would be happy to kill someone who had done him wrong (he held many grudges against many people, most of which I could not really understand). He had underlying issues from past and also smoked weed. I didn't like it when he got angry so tended to keep quiet in order to not make him angry. There were many disturbing conversations we had but I just kept brushing it under carpet for some unknown reason.

Thankfully he never saw my daughter as he was very selfish and it was all about him, so she was never at risk. But again I was at risk I guess which in turn would have affected her anyway.

We got back together for last time earlier this year, even though I was unsure, I still felt I should give it another go although my heart wasn't in it. We had a couple of drinks one night and discussing various topics when he just lost it and started raging and shouting, slamming the wine bottle down on the table shattering it and the pieces went everywhere. I felt very scared but unable to move. I did not leave although I should have done and although he apologised, he said he could not be sure it would not happen again. I stayed with him for a further month before leaving. Incidentally it was his paranoia, constant accusations and weed smoking that drove me to leave in end.

I don't know if anything bad would happen to me if I had stayed (I survived 4 years) but I wasn't going to take that risk anymore and he did me a favour really as god knows what could have happened. I have had many abusive texts, some frightening and threatening, then apologies saying he doesn't mean it.

I wasn't prepared to risk my life and neither should you, especially as you have DC. x

ToastedOrFresh · 24/07/2015 00:38

gobbynorthernbird - I agree with you. It's been a while since the OP posted. Since they were outed as a troll possibly ?

If it's true then they are as violent as each other, in their own ways.

I suspect this thread will be deleted shortly anyway.

newstart15 · 24/07/2015 00:41

I hope this is a made up story but my DSD (and her half siblings) went through something similar when her mum moved a man into the house straightaway.Mum was loved up and bf was on best behaviour for sometime whilst he got himself established.It took 2 years for the mum to see the truth but that 2 years represented an enormous part of the children's lives.

DSD's mum isn't stupid but just desperate to be loved and can't be without a partner.She made the children feel it was in their best interests for the bf to stay there as he would help financially and through their fear they tolerated him.The mum was engaged quickly and when we asked DSD how she felt about it she said "it means he will stay around", such was the mums fear that had been instilled into the 3 children.

It takes 2 years to know someone, of course he is behaving well, there is no way you know him or seen how he responds when stressed.He has warned you what he is like and you will be foolish to ignore it.

If this post is true, I hope you listen but the fear/need to be loved is driving you to take the wrong path.Your children get 1 childhood, its a very short period so put them first and get counselling for yourself.Stay single until you are stronger.

LaurieJuspeczyk · 24/07/2015 01:07

OP have you posted on MN before about your relationship while it was still an affair, under a username that was different but related to your current one? If so we've spoken in the past, but I had a different name too.

I agree with whoever it was upthread who said it sounds like the fact that you've been with abusive partners in the past is leading you to see this man for more than he is. Also the person who says they never ever say LTB on MN, but they're saying it now.

I once made the mistake of ignoring unanimous advice given on here (not to me directly) - the important word being 'once'. You might think your relationship is special enough to be different from all the combined experiences of all the other posters, but I'd bet everything I own that you're wrong. Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like you need to hear it.

NotYouNaanBread · 24/07/2015 01:14

I read the first post out to my husband and half way through he said it was made up.

Nobody could be be this stupid in real life. Also remarkably articulately put etc.