New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

Christian Grey was rich...

I've met thoroughly unpleasant men who ride push bikes & a few equally umpleasant ones who drive top of the range cars. One guy who was a complete knob just walked everywhere!!
Tis a crazy world.
Just don't get me started on their good looks & charm (or lack of) .......

He sounds like a working class boy made good, rough around the edges, lacking manners, puffed up on his own little successes, trying to fit in with his choice of music, and probably feeling like the fraud he is.

You sound like you have had a sheltered life, been largely protected up until now from the tougher aspects of life, naive, idealistic, romantic and very desperate to see the best in people.

Whilst most of us can spot these jumped up, puffed up twits who think they are gods gift to women, I think you may have more difficulty because; you are from a different culture but also because you seem to be a little naive.

Its really not your fault, you were taken in, but...if you had good female friends around you, and you trusted them rather than feeling suspicious of other women and their motifs, you may have got shot of this boy wonder quicker. You see, women don't hate beautiful women, but some beautiful women have a real issue believing this.

Please get an STD check, the fixed dates, holidays or early date finishes combined with his continued online presence almost definitely indicates he has been dating other women. His dislike of condoms won't suddenly have surfaced when he wanted to stick it in you. And for heavens sake test for pregnancy as soon as.

As regards dating services, no service how ever good is going to completely weed out a man like him. He is a rough around the edges man, with no sense of how to treat women, no real class, manufactures a charming exterior, has a very out of date sense of humour, who thinks that driving a Porsche and wearing a flashy watch make him head honcho back at the cave!

He may in fact not be quite as horrendous as we have been led to believe by you...but one thing is certain; some Englishmen have a strange ironic sense of humour, and unless you are English you won't necessarily understand what is said in jest and what isn't.

You are 35, a bit naive, a bit of a romantic idealist with a desperate aura...what you need is good friends who can help set your straight, what you don't need is to spend more money meeting unsuitable men.

Mini is so right. Get some strong, more streetwise women around you.

You are crazy if you don't end things with this slimeball. You say you are attractive, speak several languages, are professionally successful, and yet you allow this person to treat you abominably! I can only assume you have zero self-esteem (as well as being lonely, as you admit).
Ditch him today, especially if you want children and a family. He is not husband/ father material and yo are wasting precious time!
He doesn't respect you, so respect yourself, end it and move on. Loneliness is no excuse for tolerating this.

Good post Mini.

It's much harder to gauge people in a different culture that's not your first language..

But he'd be a monstrosity in any language.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2432522-Fianc-revealed-something-the-other-day?

Similar story, lot's of parallels .

I reported both threads yesterday. I even followed up this morning about this one. HQ think there isn't a problem.
If anyone else has suspicions about either thread, please report them and HQ may take another look.
HQ probably just write back to humour me and then put me on ignore because I've been reporting a lot lately

Chilli, I gave the OP advice but have to admit that my BS-o-meter was quivering a little before I posted.

Twinklestein he is a PM in a construction business.

To those who doubt my intentions, it is finished. Am not a troll and whoever reported this thread made it impossible for me to answer comments and get in touch yesterday...was very sad and alone.

ChilliAndMint - this thread is not mine. I am new and posted here for the first time.

Mini, thank you for posting.

He sounds like a working class boy made good, rough around the edges, lacking manners, puffed up on his own little successes, trying to fit in with his choice of music, and probably feeling like the fraud he is.

[I agree completely!!]

He may in fact not be quite as horrendous as we have been led to believe by you...but one thing is certain; some Englishmen have a strange ironic sense of humour, and unless you are English you won't necessarily understand what is said in jest and what isn't.

[I did not say he is horrendous, nor do I try and paint him black, that's why I asked for thoughts and advice. He cooks for me, is generally caring - when he does not say these things, and believe me!! I have lived here since young for 14 years. I understand what English sarcasm is and humour from an English person with irony is something I sue myself quite a lot. Self-deprecating nature of it is something I enjoy now. There is a difference between things in jest and plain weird. Like the ones which involve bad words....

I do want opinions on this because I may have misunderstood what he said, his style or humour...you are pretty accurate about him though mini. No gent's charm as he has a farmer mentality, grew up without a dad. working class, not a private school boy by any means....
And that's ok for me, I am not looking for an upper class twit. Just the words and certain things he says bother me continuously.

NMHQ had not flagged/commented on this post. It would have been visible ..don't see how you couldn't have posted yesterday...in fact I think you did..oh well.

I do wonder if we mistook him completely!! What, if he is just a rough boy who DOES NOT cheat. He did tell me - one woman at a time. No cheating.

It did sound true to me, but who knows. How do I find out??

Also, it is normal to meet twice a week and have a routine like weds/Sat, we spend a large part of Sunday together, too. what's wrong with that?

I hear all of your concerns, comments and thoughts. And take it in. I am naïve yes, and my life at home and here has been quite sheltered, I earn and work, travel and live in a decent neighbourhood, without many excesses in life or huge exposure in bars/etc.. so I rarely see life for what it is.

Who knows.

Honestly, you sound really high maintenance and I'm not surprised your relationship is breaking down.

I think you should chalk this one up as experience, and move onto someone more suitable when you feel ready.

ChilliAndMint I couldn't last night and re-set my p/word about 10 times, no reset p/word email....

They told me they suspended the account and were verifying it against some user. no idea what was going on.

It's working now, so that's good.

There are no parallels with the other thread, very different scenario, and the OPs have very different personalities.

Are you still in the relationship?

whoever reported this thread made it impossible for me to answer comments and get in touch yesterday...was very sad and alone.

I reported it.
HQ gave you the all clear, so that's all good, but please don't play the 'very sad and alone' card just because you weren't able to post for a few hours on a forum that you're brand new to.

thornyhousewife thanks, so charming.

That's odd...I have had threads deleted for breaking the site rules.

Was only highlighting the fact there were similarities between the two threads...not implying you wrote them both!

Well, I was because it was a source of reassurance. And I felt low. Logging off now...feeling very tired of heavy thoughts on this..

OP, you said (I think) that you've finished it. So let it go now and look forward. It was clearly a mismatch on almost every level. Stop lamenting what never was and what will never be. I have the feeling you will continue to see him.Some people who ask for advice don't really want it and don't really intend to act on sensible advice...I think you are one of them.

Posters on here got stung by a very obvious troll thread recently, and since then people have been antsy and reporting everything.

Of course this could be a wind up, but sometimes the most banal stories are fake, and the extraordinary ones turn out to be true.

There's nothing in the story that strikes me as unlikely, in fact it's a common scenario - slightly naive, sheltered woman meets charming arsehole.

He will not call and nor will I. I use the advice, don't worry.

Lovely, successful men, who are at ease chatting to people generally, will have no trouble finding a date.

They are unlikely to need a dating agency, but might use one if they are not serious about relationships (being polite). They don't talk about other people's pensions though: they don't talk or joke about violent acts they might commit.

I believe this man has lied to you about who he is and what he's done in his life. He tells you he doesn't cheat, and that's one more lie. You know he is still on a dating site and has sent a profile to his friend. Mr Monogamy he is not.

Please, start looking for a decent man now. You owe it to yourself.