New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

Katie, no one does that straight away. No one. If you do, you need to watch that, as it makes you vulnerable to predators. You don't need to be rescued.

You need a hobby and an interest outside work:) Art? History? Rock climbing? Learn a language and go to the country? Make it your mission to learn a few new things, visit places - use meet up to meet people. Go on walks, join the ramblers and enjoy the company of people- who knows, that dear old man might have once ran the bank and have a lovely son:)

And dating. Date more than one chap and you won't fall for any crap. Or be less likely to, all your eggs won't be in one basket. If they are too, and they will be, they don't have to tell you and you don't have to tell them - it won't matter because it's normal. The crap ones will fall by the wayside as you don't have expectations and won't put yourself in a position of trying to force a crap relationship.

If you miss hugs, then hug your friends and walk someone's huge cuddly dog:)

You might want to have a few sessions with a very experienced life coach. Or save your money and keep posting:)

God, he sounds utterly pretentious. What with the ludicrous car and poncey way of saying "blue". Look, I used to work in the City and I saw a lot of this. This guy totally fancies himself. He is a fake and a player. How do you not cringe at the sight of him? He is spectacularly awful.

And, no, it is not "normal" banter to say that women are inferior and that he would shoot his wife if she wouldn't give him full "custody" (it's "residence" these days given that children are not actually possessions, btw). Or to refer to a woman as a "pension fund". Ugh, just ugh. Other people are just commodities to him, can you not see that?

The fact that you were impressed by his "machoness" at the start of the relationship and that you say things like "beautiful women are hated by women" leads me to the conclusion that you have a very warped view of relationships.

But seriously, first you need to ditch this loser because that is what he is.

Saltedcaramel2014 agreed, people ask so have answered.

HPsauciness you are right.

I have tons of hobbies like oil painting, art in general, I have travelled all over the world in my 20s... and plan to go on holiday with mum this month.

Do you have femail friends ?

dollius you made me chuckle;-))) very funny!! He indeed fancies himself, he went on a leadership course and told me his 360 says "he is amazing"!!!!! and also he said "how can you possibly improve perfection";-))) I thought he was joking! But prob not.

I have no view of relationships, I am not very good at this. Clearly.

And you do realise whilst obsessing over this loser you are missing out on finding someone nice? Let it go. And if you meet someone who even vaguely reminds you of him and wants to date you say NO.

Too much talk of money, really, and promise of holidays and nice things so you put up with his shit. He's not rich enough:) ignore the twat, it's the weekend, have a cocktail at a nice bar with friends and don't mention him. Say " it's over, he treated me badly" and talk about something else.

If your friends are busy, then turn off your phone and make like a tourist in your home town, write a career plan strategy, risk access your life, make a list of stuff you want to do, and if you must think about dating, get yourself onto the OLD thread on relationships thread and use the knowledge pool there to help you evade the fuckwits.

How are you not absolutely furious with him? He hates women. Why would you want hugs from someone who hates what you are? No matter how outwardly attractive they are.

You talk in your posts here as if you are still in a relationship with him. I think if he is charming to you for a while you'll go straight back to him. He's probably leaving it for a while to make you as lonely and anxious as possible before jumping back in with the charm.

lavenderhoney Very sweet post, thank you xxx

I actually want a dog, only have a British shorthaired lilac cat, who is amazing. He came in to say the cat must 'be not very intelligent as he has fallen out of the window twice on a terrace". He also calls him Felix (it's not his name).

I know they are small things but still. Does your partner ever berate you or your pets? Do they call you names, even jokingly?? Is is OKAY?

My ex hubby - gentleman to the core - NEVER swore and was very measured, composed and never used words like this. so, I am wondering if this is right to swear even jokingly. I took his watch off as it was digging into his arm and he said ' stop it, c'mon don't be an arsehole".

Honestly you come across as a well travelled intelligent air head

CultureSucksDownWords We saw each other on Weds. no talking to him since. This is very new to me as in ending it now...

From the detail you give I infer he's an estate agent...?

This man sounds awful. Most people are on their best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship so if he's like this to you now you don't want to be around him when he isn't on his best behaviour.

GrannyWW yes, have several good female friends. I do yoga, meditation, gymming and power walking 10-15k each Saturday or Sunday. I am not an air head, I am quite studious and serious....he did mess with my brain though...not sure how. Charming peter pan!

Twinklestein no, he manages large projects like the Olympics organisation, city and UK project management etc. Not sure exactly what he does. His dating site said property/real estate.

My DH certainly swears, but not at me and he does not call me names, he doesn't make crap jokes about women being inferior to men and he doesn't talk about our children as if they are his possessions (full custody! What a twat). He would never refer to a woman as a "pension fund". He just doesn't think like that because he isn't an idiot.

All that is because he is a decent human being and not a total knob like this man clearly is.

I think you have spent too much time in the City and not enough with real people in real life. Someone already asked this but do you have girlfriends?

Ooops, just caught up with my thread and my ticking off for using the F word.

Seriously, you are with a man who is on the cusp of emotionally abusing you, who talks about shooting women as a joke. You're with him because you get validation and 'hugs' - I mean seriously, are his hugs lined with 24 carat gold? Because, you know, hugs...

im pretty open minded but wow, he sounds like a dodgy cunt. I pretty sure youll fall for him again. You seem to want to believe him when he apologises, no matter how many times he shows you his true colours

It sounds like he's a project manager for a construction company...

Having just seen the post in which Katie says he's not that bad because he's stylish, I'm now thinking we have all been trolled.

Sorry this isn't working out as you'd hoped. I suppose it takes time to work out if someone is right for you or not. He obviously is not.

Have you actually ended the relationship? Just seen you've said about not going on holiday with him yet, which sounds as though you may still be considering staying with this charmer. Hope not. Why have you been having unprotected sex with him?

Property/real estate covers anything from builders to estate agents etc.

It sounds like he's trying to imply he's a property developer...

I wonder what he really does that he's scraping around on the net for rich women...

Yoga and power walking and being 'studious' do not stop anyone being an air head. You are over invested with superficiality and the appperance of sucess with little understanding of what is really needed for sucessful relationships. Yoga 7 days week will not stop you getting pregnant or catching an STD. And listing to classical music - even 100% of the time does not make a man nice, kind, respectful or anything other thsn somome who likes classical music - who knew?????

Do your good female friends think he is someone you should be spending any time with? I hope not!

Just ignore him now. Stop projecting how you feel onto him. If he texts, text back - sorry, v busy, have a good weekend" And ignore. He will keep on I expect but that's just temper. If he doesnt respond thank your lucky stars. And if you found him through a bespoke agency they will want to know. Through match, not so much. Anyway, get yourself onto the dating thread under relationships:)

And FFS go and make some plans. Fill every weekend til Christmas. You can always change them:) want to learn Spanish? Book a two week holiday in Ecuador over Christmas or in Valencia. Book onto a weekend tennis course. Change your routine.

I expect if you were writing an advert for a perfect date, it wouldn't include " swears and is v rude about women" write it down:) it wouldn't say " must treat me like dirt and be rude about successful women, be against marriage etc" would it? No. It wouldn't. And yours wouldn't say " will put up with all kinds of shit in exchange for a cuddle"

Is this for real? He sounds like Christian grey ffs.

Does he have a private plane he can control with his willy?