New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

this pissbag man who calls you a dick and rich pussy (yet you object to bad language elsewhere?)

Quite.
He's called her an "arsehole" and a "bitch" too.

Meanwhile, OP berates posters for using "expletives", I wonder if it's because she thinks we're all women here and "laydees" shouldn't swear?

Further to your earlier question, which in the heat of discussion appears to be overlooked, NC can mean "no contact" but in this context would be "name changed" - the poster who used it may have wanted to know whether you have posted on this or similar issues before.

Yes, on this site swearing is permitted, but never at each other. Seems you have a higher tolerance for bad language from a man who is supposed to love and respect you than from strangers on the internet.

You're absolutely right about the charming, self-centred type who no doubt also believes he loves women when he so clearly does not. Sadly you fell for one. It happens.

I've never done online dating, but from the friends of mine who have - I'd recommend Guardian Soul Mates and www.mysinglefriend.com.

I also have a friend who joined proper matchmaking services - one was called www.itsjustlunchlondon.com and the other was www.drawingdownthemoon.co.uk She actually met her husband in real life, but I know she had a good time with these agencies and met some interesting men.

The latter two agencies aren't just listing sites - they meet and assess the clients. I think that might be a good idea for you, as you seem perhaps a little naïve about men.

HPsauciness I agree 100% with what you are saying here. I have read a couple of books as you mention, it helps to re-read them too as you forget!! My mum is a filter for me as I told her about this stuff and she agrees I have to leave (I did not tell her everything as it is highly embarrassing). Unfortunately, I am not very streetwise and cannot see BS for what it is until later into relationship. Sadly, it is very true.

Anniegetyourgun thank you I understand now.

I prefer not to swear, but of course do occasionally. I quoted his words here as it upsets me greatly and I broke it off with him a couple of times. He came back at the time and promised not to use them, to be careful and think about what he says about women and people in general. He was EXTREMELY charming on date one, two etc...he is very hot, his hugs are fantastic and I have not met anyone as charming as this for a few years....so this is the reason for all the drama....He went out of his way to make sure I'd fallen for him. Then changed his tune and every time I mentioned his inappropriateness he told me I am argumentative/on my period/moody/intolerant and OVERLY SESNSITVE. That it is 'all a bit of banter' and 'in jest'. That's why I came here to hear real life comments as my head was so messed I could no longer see the tree for the woods.

Twinkestein, DDM I know and have used. They send highly intelligent, nice men but!! - they send them thousands of women so a lot of them cannot settle and search ,search and search....they even tell you they are sent women profiles for free whilst females on this matchmaking service site have to pay, also the older you are, the higher the fee;-)

I bet this would raise a few eyebrows....On DDM I have been sent people who are a) married/unseparated b) separated c) plain commitment phobes who tell you they don't want a relationship. We had to cancel matches as each match which is supposed to be 'handpicked' costs a lot of money. The quality of people is much better, though. In this instance, I found him on elite site which is German and costs quite a bit compared to match/etc....

Katie given you are very busy and given you earn quite well, have you thought of using a dating agency to filter out some of the complete bullshitters? My friend (not same friend as before, that one found her now lovely husband on a night out) used one and it did seem to offer a layer of extra reassurance, as they interview the men, check bank statements, check id. Obviously they can't check if they are misogynistic twats, but if they behave badly on a date or aren't very nice, that's bad for their business. In fact I know two people who have done that, one married someone they met from the dating agency, one had fun dating but didn't meet anyone long-term, just had a positive experience.

I just wonder if a more old-fashioned matchmaking service might serve you better than leaving you on your own with your bull-shit radar broken.

Are you from a culture where being unmarried at 35 is an issue or at least likely to be remarked on by your aunts/relatives/random people? My friend was from an eastern european country and every time she went home, all her relative would say 'aren't you married yet?' Don't let that drive you into desperate measures, if you pick badly now, the repercussions will go through your whole life, as will being pregnant by a loser.

Do protect yourself, you have done amazingly well to be so successful in your work (and speak many languages and so on), use that intelligence in the area of your love-life.

That sounds awful OP! It was quite a long time ago that she used it.

Twinkelstein, it is a good site, but they have a few 'matchmakers' who can be dizzy and forget to reply/call your date accidentally when they don't have to etc. they charged £3-20k depending on service level per year which is a lot of money....I am just using up my allowance and then will not re-subscribe.

What is OP?

HPsauciness I am using one of them...they are a little slow and it takes them 6 weeks to find one guy. It's ok but I have not met anyone I fancy yet. You get 12 matches per year. I have had 7 maybe...? we will see...

Open dating site is scary...this guy works in property/real estate and travels around all the time, plus gets invited a lot to events/drinking parties. Which means he gets around and probably meets tons of women. He found his previous partners in bars where he chatted them up. My ex who was witty, intelligent English gent would for example have never mastered the strength to do it, this one can, no problem!!! He also told me he lost his virginity to an air hostess whom he chatted up on Virgin flight to Australia... The plot thickens, right?

You only find out all of this when you are close to them, spend time with them and see their house/surroundings etc.....it comes out also when they forget you are there and either say smth awful, shout out or do something that throws you. All takes time and it is no less than 2 mths to figure out he is a douchebag.

Extreme charm is a red flag. Most charmers are charming to hide who they really are, ie it's a facade.

God he sounds awful. And beautiful women are not hated by other women! You need new friends if you think that. I can't imagine for a second why you were putting up with his shit or any of your mates thought it was worth pursuing.

A bespoke dating agency would suit you better tbh, if you're pushed for time. ( time as in hours, not just panick about babies) and call the agency you met him through and give them an earful- haven't they asked you for feedback and chopped him off their books?

You can always go it alone with the baby route if you want- assuming you can afford a nanny. Why add a useless, rude bloke into the mix who would leverage child access and want half your pension?

I miss camaraderie, hugs (I am a hugger and a snuggler!!) and warmth of a person. I live alone like a hermit...;-) I suppose it's better than renting or sharing but I have awful thoughts about life on weekends....it kills me to sit around. friends are often with their families/BFs/hubbies/kids. What about me and then I meet someone who says I love you, I love hugs! I want to be a dad!! I want twins. What about you?

lavenderhoney They probably have decent disclaimers so....in their eyes, he is not obscene, he did 'no harm on site, etc etc...

My pension is actually quite small;-)) I find it hilarious though... Well, and sad he talks like that. He apparently bought a Porsche using redundancy money which I suppose is better than sticking it on the mortgage loan...
I am sensible with money and a saver, although I like handbags shoes etc...He probably thought I am wealthy because of me dressing well. I am not rich by any means.

Katie, he is an absolute twat. It's been three months, move on without even looking back.

Have you ever travelled?

He is also tall, had black hair, virtually no greys, has very brown puppy dog eyes and gives big hugs....you feel very cosy, safe and lovely (talking physical side). He is warm to hug with, very much something I will miss......feel sad......very sad, especially as its' Friday afternoon and all weekend ahead. Alone.

Actually he would of been far more sensible to stick his redundancy on his mortgage. Cars depreciate in value so he will never get back what he spent on it.

Do you not have any friends you can spend time with at the weekends?

Jen1610 But maybe I am exaggerating how bad he is? He talks rubbish, so who doesn't? Maybe he is just not good with talking...

We have not gone on hols yet, it's too soon. He asked to have a holiday, a w/end in Champagne 9he likes premier cru and cheese n wine tours) and a week abroad in the sun. I have procrastinated using work as an excuse - I think it's too early for that...

What confuses me also is!!! - he listens to very refined classical music, I thought it was an act, but no !!! He listens to it in the car 100% all the time, when lying in the bath etc. And he understands style - as in, he uses intelligent ways to describe women's wardrobe, style, clothing cut etc.... He doesn't just say "it's blue" he says it's 'purple with a blue undertone' etc. How can he also then combine the ability to say other horrible things which are not refined at all??!!!!!

Jen1610 I know!!! I told him that in a non-nagging way... He says Porsche depreciates in value and its real cost is £5k a year. Which is apparently good for an expensive car (I don't drive/own a car).

But since buying it he had to replace suspension system this year apparently, then change tyres (£600) and to me this does not look like a good investment.....especially for a German car.

Anyway, I am a handbag lover so can't really speak here...

£50,000 for a car sounds horrific to me. It means gross income of £100,000 before tax, which is a monumental amount which I would have spent on mortgage.

I think your time would be best spent making friends/starting up a hobby/travelling. Good men come along when you're busy being happy. I don't mean to be harsh but you talk a lot about needing to be complimented on what you look like in a dress etc. Find a way to feel good about yourself that comes from your own centre. Neediness is like a magnet for idiots like this guy.

And all this chat about money... It's totally irrelevant.

Katie people are not all one thing, they are not all bad.

But you seriously have problems if you think physical attraction, liking hugs and classical music can outweigh someone who basically is contemptuous of women and calls you names that no man should ever call a woman, let alone in the first three months when he is supposed to be impressing you. You said yourself he hasn't texted anything nice to you lately at all, let alone his remarks about custody/shooting his wife. He isn't that interested in spending more time with you, you already feel lonely.

I'm sorry to conclude it but you are desperate to settle down/put too much emphasis on chemistry, and this is like a magnet to good looking but utterly unsuitable men.

Jen1610 Jen, I will miss him for sure. Not sure if we will ever talk, he will try texting and stop probably after two attempts.

I do not want to get into arguments so silence is how I deal with it. It is killing me not to speak to him, I miss the hug part. He has big arms and sleeping next to him feels great. I am a sap, I know