New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

Read your OP back.

He isn't very nice, is he? Why would you want to be with someone who Isn't Very Nice?

Please please please please please stop seeing this man. What you are feeling after 3 months is not true love I'm afraid. You are an attractive woman, he loved the chase, you were incredibly flattered and who wouldn't be, it's nice to be chased, desired and wanted by a man. Now he's got you his true colours are showing. He sounds like an absolute nightmare of a person to have kids with. Please trust me. When you have a baby there is no where to hide. Any other issues or problems are magnified x 10 with you being vulnerable after the birth and in recovery, sleep deprivation, hormones, the shock of being first time parents...You need someone who respects you, cares for you and shows you patience and who you get along really well with and are a team to cope with having a baby together. If you were compatible/if he was marriage or father material then you would not be having these issues 3 months in. You're around the time you are ready to have a baby and you've meet someone you think you love because you really want to love someone and have a baby without someone and be 'in that place' but not with this guy. Honestly he sounds like a chauvinistic, bolshy, hot headed, egotistical twat. Not good qualities in a husband or father. Please get away from him now whilst you're not too deep in. Put it down to being flattered and really wanting a relationship but you have chosen the wrong sort of person for what you want in your life. If you want to be put down, resented, disrespected and taken for granted your whole life then stay with him.
You are attractive, successful and ready to be a mother - please find someone worthy of you and if that means trying for a baby a bit later than you thought then so be it. It'll happen when the time is right with the right person. Get this idiot out of your life so you can have the space to meet someone lovely.

Sorry for few mistakes I meant *you've MET someone you think you love because you really want to love someone and have a baby WITH someone

Just to reiterate...there is much more wrong here than just the fact he has stopped complimenting you and being affectionate. There are SO many red flags in what you've said. You sound like a catch, HE is on the turn. Get out now and focus on relaxing and letting the right person come to you and don't be anxious to meet someone or anxious to have a baby. It will happen for you but I can see you future with this guy and like I said it is being miserable and unappreciated. That's no way to be a happy Mum for your future baby.

So what if it isn't nice to end via text? The way he's been treating you isn't nice is it? Far from it. He's used you in so many ways, the forcing you into sexual acts though

This has to be a hoax, regardless of whether English isn't you first language, you are pretty erudite and say you have a successful career..pad in London.??

Yet... you can't see what is obviously a sleazy player??

Sorry..at the mere mention of BJ's and cunniwhatsherface ..you are a fella right??

Not everyone on here is that gullible to believe such shite. Surely an educated person who has achieved so much given as " she?" is more naïve than the average 6 year old and isn't aware of regional colloquialisms ..pull the other one...it's got bells on!

Game over....

This forum is littered with examples of intelligent women who didn't notice their partner was abusive/player/cheat...

A good career is no bar to being taken in by really obnoxious men.

You seem to think education signifies much more than it does.

I'm pretty sure she said she's been living in this country since she was 14, so 21 years makes her not a 'foreigner' (her words).

Op I do find it strange that you have posted all day and have disappeared since he messaged.Hope you haven't given in and gone and met him.

Hello all. I had worked till late and went home. Not disappeared!! Cooked dinner and am at home. I cannot be 24 hrs online;-))

He called again, asking why am not picking up, left a VM saying it is not fair, he doesn't know what is going on and has done nothing wrong. I cannot reply as we will get into arguments. Plus, am likely to give in. He did have a puppy dog voice and if he stood in front of me, puppy dog eyes too....big brown eyes I love.

Anyway. PS. I have lived here for 14 years, not 21. So, a bit foreign:-))

Chilliandmint you are on a roll today. Why do you think I am bloke?!!!

My husband's lived in England for 16 years, he's still a foreigner.

I can see sleaziness and feel used one time, then he shows bits of care/affection/cooks and cuddles and I don't see it. That's why so confused.

Feel bad. Not sure why.

What if we could work it out and I am making a mistake?

He almost begged to call back....feel terrible;(((

Stay strong, Katie, that was predicted. He's not good for you, you deserve better.

Block him on everything. Don't get pulled into the drama of waiting to see what he does next.

He's begging because he desperately doesn't want to lose his pension, and his Saturday night sex.

Block his number. Do you really have such low self esteem you think this is the best you can do? Why are you giving him so much headspace after only 3 months?

Dear lord! OP, wake the fuck up!
He's a unpleasant man who thinks threatening to murder and ex to gain custody of his (hypothetical) children is acceptable! This is not 'banter', it is misogyny plain and clear. He's told you all about himself with his insults and nastiness in the first 3 months. Consider yourself lucky you're not more attached to him and more vulnerable, with a baby and on maternity leave.
Do yourself a bloody favour and block his numbers on your phone, block his email address and spend sometime with a good friend this weekend.
He is not worth your time, no matter how fucking good his hugs are.

It is quite common for men who sense you are losing in interest to suddenly up their interest. If you read your original post, you will see he actually wasn't that interested in you last time you went out on Wed and wanted to go home early/only came as you would 'give him grief'. 'He's just not that into you' to coin a phrase.

So, if you really can't resist the lure of his hugs, why not go out with him this Sat (as you are probably going to anyway) and then by next Wed, being sure you are pining after him, he'll be back to being quite disinterested, making remarks about 'rich pussy' and hilarious jokes about how no woman will ever get the better of him and he would shoot them if they took his children away.

If you don't want to repeat this, don't. It's really now up to you and what you want (and think is good enough for you).

Katie, the simplist way of dealing with this is to text him back saying "The relationship is not working for me so it's over. I no longer want to see you or hear from you. Do not contact me again". Don't go for the silent treatment because it's like removing a plaster really slowly. Just rip it off. It'll take longer if you're not proactive because he will continue, at least for a while, to try and find out what's going on. If you send the text and he contacts you can then tell him you will have him prosecuted for harrassment if he doesn't leave you alone, but you have to be proactive first.

My heart breaks reading about his treatment of you. If he will do this in the first three months what would he be like in the long run.

Agree with previous posters. You need to break it off and then delete all contacts. Good luck

HPSauciness, you are right. Good morning, BTW:-))
He wrote again at 8am this morning saying he hates the silence and that I am better than that.

That we have a good thing here and when he said I love you he meant it.

I am thinking how come he never says it to me in person, when together? Only at the end of a text sometimes or when leaving before he closes the door after himself (quick love you). I want I LOVE YOU from rooftops, loud and clear, when he looks at me!!! Like he means it.

My dad used to come up to my mum - when he was alive - and say out of the blue, I love you so much darling!

Am I crazy and idealistic for wanting that? If he loves me why cant he say it in person?? Ever? Or be affectionate?

I think if sees I am hooked, stroke his hair (Weds night in the pub on the river), shoulder, kiss him on the cheek, he does nothing in return....this week he look disinterested, looked away, bored even!!! I am a fool who - listen to this - turned up in a gorgeous orchid dress, great hair, makeup and fresh manicure/tan. I was soooooo happy to see him. He worked from home that day and wore old shirt, looked a bit scruffy and did not compliment me on anything the whole evening....

We 'argued' about it as I told him about affection I would love and he said....but I did complimrnt your looks. Me: When? Him: Well, I liked your dress. Me: You said it was Liberty purple....that's not exactly s comlliment?!

Weird. I looked good, I was happy to see him, hugged him and he just sat there like a seal in the arctic pole....

I think that actions speak louder than words
He's not acted like he loves you
He's saying it now as he thinks this will reel you back in.
I do tend to think when you get to a point of arguing whether someone is complimentary or not, then it's not the right thing for you. He's not kind to you. That's enough isn't it?

OP I think you have had sugar coating here for too long and I can see why chili doubts you as it does seem a bit surreal.

I think you are a 100% fool if you have anything more to do with this man apart from to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and don't return.

Honestly if you were to show this thread and the other one to your friends, work colleagues, family they would all tell you to dump him yet here you are saying you'd get sucked into his puppy dog eyes again and he's contrite and he's sorry.

You actually need a huge wake up call yourself because all of his red flags you should know by now, or at least know that once having discussed them this is not normal. I don't know if this charmer is a player but it does seem as if you are very impressed by his 'lifestyle' and car. I got over being impressed by that stuff in my early-mid 20s. You say you're intelligent, good looking etc but you don't seem streetwise or to have commonsense. The background you're from (at a guess Indian, Pakistani, Iran/Iraq/Middle East or China/Far East) trust me I've met a few women not born in UK but lived here a few years and some are a bit "naive" when it comes to western culture and western men/women. Some are very clued up and I know of a few mixed marriages which are fine and on an equal footing.

You need today to get a pregnancy test and hope it isn't positive. Same with STD tests get the done and as you can afford it get them done privately.

Also a final point (can apply to women though) a man who is single with no kids at 44 or similar age is usually that way for a reason. Women who are single at a similar age is usually not due to being a player. I knew 2 men approaching/in early 40s who'd played the field and wanted to settle down (1 did because he was finding it hard to meet much younger, attractive girlfriends). They both married, 1 was 42/43 the other in mid-late 40s but there was a player aspect about them.

I almost feel he is getting his 'release' elsewhere.... He tells me he wants sex three times a day, he wanks off (his words not mine) once/twice every day and I did see how capable he is of doing it a few times as if he is a 20 year old. It's kind of fascinating as I did not think it was possible, men in their mid forties???
Anyway, now he hardly wanted it once last weekend (I had to 'initiate it' as he drove me crazy with just lying there and I was so excited to see him that I could not sleep). Sex was average that time. Mostly I had to do everything.

On Weds this week the story repeated itself. He came after asking me to do it on top(!!), rolled, then immediately asked me about the rug I have hanging on the bathroom door (?!!!?).

He didn't offer me any help in that department, and then said he hD to go as his course was starting early next day. I felt pretty hurt.

He says I am too sensitive. Is it true?? Does your man hold you after sex? Cuddles?

How do you know he's not seeing another woman OP? I think he may be.