Ex husband insisting he needs money from me

[ginfairy79]

I'll try and keep this short and factual as am far too tied up in the emotions and anxiety of the situation.

Divorced from ex H over 2 years ago. Kind of amicably. Two DC. He has them on average 2 nights a week, sometimes more, but all the school runs are done by me. I do most of holiday care. He's having 1 week off with them first week of August.

Ex H in a lot of debt although has good job. Earns around 26k. We live in Scotland do that's a good wage m

I earn about 40k but get the child benefit.

I pay for everything - the childminder fees (£750 a month), all dinner money, trips, stuff they need etc.

I don't ask him for maintenance ... and here's the problem - for the 3.5 years we've been separated he has insisted I need to give him money or he can't afford to live and will stop being able to have the DC overnight. This has been up to £500 a month but is now less.

Thing is he now has a very public relationship with girlfriend (18 months) - lots of stuff done as a 'family' etc with her 2 small children. Lots of nice days out to places that cost lots of money to get in and he gets the train very regularly to meet her as she lives an hour or so away. I know he paints me as the mad ex so not very grateful of my support. They're not living together though but I feel that they have plenty of money to pay for their lives themselves.

I can't think straight any more. I have debts and could do with that money but is it best for the DC not to rock the boat and carry on giving it to him? They seem to like their time with him.

I'm in a relationship too and this definitely isn't a case of wanting him back. I'm actually happy he seems to be settled by then he should consider his other responsibilities first. I just am worried for the DC what will happen if I stop bankrolling him.

So wise mumsnetters what do I do?

Madness. You could be paying off 6k of debt per year...how much debt do you have?
Or you could be going on holiday, paying into uni account etc etc.

You need to stop it now. If he stops contact with the children that's his choice and your children deserve to know what he is.

Also his costs are fixed so in reality having the children costs him extra food, it's not like he can't live off his wage, or feed them.

This is madness. Stop paying him.

Well he struck gold when he met you, didn't he?

You paid for everything while married. You still give him pocket money. You shoulder the bulk of the responsibility regarding the dc.

Time to turn off the gold mine me thinks.

A man is a human being too, you know, not an exotic pet that needs feeding and housing. Some - I'd stick my neck out and say the majority - can even be productive members of society.

Just to clarify.

I am resident parent. I get the CB. I pay all childcare etc. I don't have to pay him anything. I have this from my solicitor (who also thinks I'm mad).

We are fully divorced with financial settlement. I have the house but there was no equity (and after all I paid the mortgage including the deposit).

I am too nice yes and realise that. I was happy to support him whilst things were amicable but cannot bring myself to support his new family.

Anyway thank you for the big wake up call. For now I am taking the interim step of no more money (with the threat of CSA if he stops seeing them) and have also phoned our work counselling service to sort my head out.

I most definitely do not want my daughters learning this. After all I learned it from my mother (who incidentally agrees I should give him the money but also that I shouldn't have got divorced in the first place).

And on a positive I now do have a lovely partner who is the antithesis of him and when needing to support his DC in a divorce simply took on an extra job so he could do it well.

That's good.
No more payments then!

Oh dear - your mother still wants to enable 'feeble' men.
She needs some counselling as well.

Well done for realising this now.
Stop all payments immediately and start paying off your debts and saving for your kids futures.
That's where your money should be going. Not to some snivelling, pathetic, arsehole of a 'man'

I am glad you found a good 'un.

Dear me-what justification does your mum give for saying you should keep paying him?

Well done by the way x

OP please stop being such an easy pushover and start putting your children first. By paying your ex money you can't afford you are not helping your family.

You are the resident parent, stop paying now and put a csm claim in immediatley.

Can I just get you to rethink one thing... You Ex should see the children because he wants to or because they have a right to see him.. not because you are paying him or because it will cost him more if he doesn't. I think you need to be clear you are not paying him anymore because it is no longer your responsibility..

I truly hope at some point you do get maintenance from this man for your CHILDREN... I think at some point you may feel the same and are in a difficult position if you don't

You need to keep contact and money separate.

I am so glad you are getting counselling . I can foresee a much happier future for you

Glad to see I was off base - my apologies (I come from a place where having the kids 3 nights a week would mean neither parent is classed as "resident" parent.)

GinFairy - definitely plant a few sticks of dynamite under the tracks of that gravy train!

Whoop! Well done!

Now split the money between savings for the kids and treating yourself

Joyous news

Glad to see you have decided to stop paying him.

Next step is CSA- he should be paying maintenance for his children. That's their money, they are entitled to it.

Well done, I'm glad you are taken no everyone's advice but ione thing jumps out at me - you say you didn't mind giving him the money when he was being nice and everything was amicable!!!
That's bloody crazy, you shouldn't not mind handing over money to him for no reason whatsoever just because he was being nice to you.
Once you get this sorted out in practical terms please consider a way to work on your self esteem, you are worth so much more than paying a man to be nice to you.
Good luck And stay strong

Hopping - I never saw it like that!! Now I can't unseen it. Thank you

Basically he's an idiot I know who is using my good nature to pay for his dating. I might print that out and put it on the fridge.

Gin Well done!!!! Good!! and if you ever wane and think maybe you should pay him...DONT...come on here and we'll all give you our two pennies worth of advice and remind you that...he is a grown man who is responsible and in charge of himself and has a responsibility to his children himself...whatever he does is not down to you.

Have you told him your cashpoint is now closed? I would predict he may get pretty nasty once he finds out.

Good for your partner; that is what parents should do. Your mother is so, so wrong. Was she a bee in a previous life, I wonder?

Glad the penny has dropped for you op. Don't pay another penny and don't accept any guilt either.

He's his own person and if he isn't going to see his children unless you pay him too, well that is his stuff to deal with himself.

Good for you OP.
They cope just, these users, once the easy money stops.
Dds dad told me he couldn't afford to give her dinner.....I sent an Iceland delivery up.
He never asked again

So so glad you've seen the light and realised what a blackmailing arsehole he is. No more money for him. If he then chooses, yes chooses not to see his DDs, then that's down to him, isn't it - and shows that effectively you've been paying him (i.e. bribing him) to see them all this time. Which is even worse.

And how can he possibly be being "amicable" if he portrays you as the mad ex?? That's a complete contradiction right there! Amicable means that you are still on friendly terms, it doesn't mean that you go slagging off your ex to your new partner!

So pleased you're going to pull the plug on this situation.