Ex husband insisting he needs money from me

[ginfairy79]

I'll try and keep this short and factual as am far too tied up in the emotions and anxiety of the situation.

Divorced from ex H over 2 years ago. Kind of amicably. Two DC. He has them on average 2 nights a week, sometimes more, but all the school runs are done by me. I do most of holiday care. He's having 1 week off with them first week of August.

Ex H in a lot of debt although has good job. Earns around 26k. We live in Scotland do that's a good wage m

I earn about 40k but get the child benefit.

I pay for everything - the childminder fees (£750 a month), all dinner money, trips, stuff they need etc.

I don't ask him for maintenance ... and here's the problem - for the 3.5 years we've been separated he has insisted I need to give him money or he can't afford to live and will stop being able to have the DC overnight. This has been up to £500 a month but is now less.

Thing is he now has a very public relationship with girlfriend (18 months) - lots of stuff done as a 'family' etc with her 2 small children. Lots of nice days out to places that cost lots of money to get in and he gets the train very regularly to meet her as she lives an hour or so away. I know he paints me as the mad ex so not very grateful of my support. They're not living together though but I feel that they have plenty of money to pay for their lives themselves.

I can't think straight any more. I have debts and could do with that money but is it best for the DC not to rock the boat and carry on giving it to him? They seem to like their time with him.

I'm in a relationship too and this definitely isn't a case of wanting him back. I'm actually happy he seems to be settled by then he should consider his other responsibilities first. I just am worried for the DC what will happen if I stop bankrolling him.

So wise mumsnetters what do I do?

He's not just mugging you off, OP.
He's mugging his own children off.

There are no words to adequately convey my disgust with him.

Not sure how old your children are, but telling them "Daddy says he won't see you unless I give him money" should cover the bases quite well.

Oh stop being so pathetic and stand up for yourself OP! Why so timid?

Men like this behave like this because people like you let them.

Your children are losing out financially because you are in effect paying their father a wage in order to see them.

What everyone has said is right - except - what was your divorce settlement? Did you keep the house? Was the settlement done properly? Do you have a court order recording it? All the PP are correct to say that you owe him nothing, unless you do - because the finances weren't properly settled. It may be that all you have paid him more than represents his share of the assets and you should stop now. It all depends on the original division.

Thing is, someone has to break the cycle. Do you want your daughters to work their hands to the bone supporting their husbands/exhusbands and putting up with the crap? Because if they think that is the norm...

Exactly. Your children will not respect you for this and how will you feel in 20 years if they are in the same situation as you?

This is terribly sad but you can stop it now. Do you pay him by direct debit? Cancel it. Phone the CSA. Enough is enough-get some respect.

Bloody teenagers calculation on how he is actually making more money than you is an eye-opener. However, before you consider going for maintenance, do a reverse calculation on the UK Gov calculator - with Fairy earning 40,000 a year, the father earning 26,000 and him having them (a minimum) of 2 nights per week and . . . Fairy could be ordered to pay him £48 per week.

Based on your answers the child maintenance payment to Fairy* is the basic rate of £57.00 per week.

This is the total weekly amount, not the amount per child.*

Based on your answers the child maintenance payment to EXH* is the basic rate of £48.00 per week.

This is the total weekly amount, not the amount per child.*

OP I wouldn't try to claim maintenance from him for two reasons - you are the higher earner and could be ordered to pay him, and secondly, and this is the reason it's a dodgy thing to try, you have already set the precedent for paying and that could definitely go against you. (He could also move his girlfriends two kids in and then you would really be forking over!)

If it were me I would sit him down and say "according to the calculations, YOU should be paying me £57 per week. (Don't reveal you could be ordered to pay him a minimum of £48 per week if the decision went the other way!). I am no longer going to bankroll you - you either want to see your children or you don't. If you want to go to court I am fine with that - and you'll be ordered to pay me £57 per week."

OP the calculator is here, - if you play with the numbers you can see the danger (what if he says he has them 3 nights per week? You could be ordered to pay £70/week)

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

You owe him nothing. Money would be far better spent paying off your debts. Stressful enough bringing up children without having debt hanging over you.

I can't see any danger.
HE should be paying towards his children.
That's it.
I can't calculate it any other way than he should be paying £62 per week towards his childrens upbringing.
I must be missing something.
It doesn't matter how much the main carer earns.
Maintenance is separate from everything else.
In England anyway.

I did the calculations based on where they live - which is Scotland.

Vernazza the resident parents income is not taken into account anymore when child maintenance is calculated so there would be no requirement for fairy to pay anything towards her ex by applying for maintenance through the CMS

Punch in the numbers with her £40,000 and him having them 2-3 (or 3) nights per week. Forewarned is forearmed!!

You must have looked at a different calculator because the one you have linked to doesn't even request the receiving parents salary.

You really need to look long and hard at the dynamic that you're perpetuating by paying the father of your children to see his kids. If you continue to be financially blackmailed where will it end?

Stop paying him and go to the CSA.

You will not be the first woman to be demonised by a lazy arse father to excuse their fecklessness (I've got that t-shirt and commemorative mug). You paying him has not only not protected you from the threat of him abandoning his children, it is now being used to extort greater sums from you. I have kept every correspondence between me and my Ex so when, inevitably he tries to fill her head with his bull, I will be able to counter it. In the short term DD may well believe her father (not probable because unfortunately she is all to aware of her Father's shortcomings) but not in the long term.

This is much, much bigger that appeasing the man whose prepare to sink to this level. What things do you want to teach your children about life and relationships and how best can you model that behaviour.

Also, George posted some very pertinent questions.

Isetan put the OP in as the parent that is ordered to PAY not receive.

Are Scottish CM laws different form the ones in England?

In England it is based on who the resident parent is and then deductions are made based on how many nights the child(ren) spend at the NRI's house.

If you really feel that it is important that he continues seeing the children you could say that you won't give him any more money - but as long as he continues seeing the children you won't contact the CSA.

Terrible, I know but you end up in a win/win for you and the kids.

Yes fuzzy looks like the calculations are country specific. I agree mellicauli.

But she wouldn't be ordered to pay because she is the resident parent.
So that doesn't come into it.
That calculator is to work out what the non-resident parent should pay.
According to that - HE should pay £66 per week.
I really hope it works the same in Scotland.

I have double checked and it does work exactly the same in Scotland as England only the paying parent's income is taken into account.

Giving him £500 per month meant that he had more money than you and you had the children 5 days a week paid all childcare etc.
Giving him £200 per month leaves you slightly better off but not when you are paying all childcare etc.
He has them 2 nights a week how much exactly do they cost him?? I would expect any parent to do anything they could to be able to see their children not blackmailing the mother into bankrolling his lifestyle and pretending it's for the kids

Very good points. But - I think the crux of the issue currently is what are these payments for?

In the OP, it was said that the ex-partner needed them or he couldn't afford to live (ie not maintenance for when DC residing with him) As far as I am aware (lawyer but not a family lawyer), there is no legal obligation to provide ongoing support for the ex husband in this kind of relationship (ie relatively short marriage etc). Plus, Scots law much prefers a clean break rather than ongoing financial provision except in very exceptional circumstances.

When I first posted, I had thought that you hadn't been married but I see you were. What were the financial provisions on your divorce? I'm assuming this is a private arrangement outwith the terms of that. Again, in Scotland, you can't actually get divorced until all the financial issues have been sorted (whether by private arrangement or decision of the court) so I would have expected assets etc to have been divided at that time.

However, I absolutely agree that you should check the relevant calculators to see if you do owe him maintenance. That said, I do stand by my earlier post that there is no duty (as far as I can see) for you to provide for him. There is no reason for him not to work and you earning a higher salary than him does not mean that you need to top him up personally

Yes - just double checked and it seems that the obligation is for the non-resident parent to pay child support. There doesn't seem to be an obligation on the resident parent to pay the non-resident parent.

Happy to be corrected though.

Plus, and in any event, as I said in my earlier post, the ex-H seems to be claiming the money as support for him

i cant even imagine why you are paying him?? this makes no sense at all

Jesus wept

You're too nice for your own good!

He has no self respect, what an absolute scrounger! He's taking money from his own children effectively. Tell him to feck off.